It's Official, I've gone TOTALLY MAD!

Today I got a call from the agency saying they have a 19 month old boy they need a place for.

I almost immediately said no but instead I said "tell me about him".

She gave me his history and then I asked her if this would be a long term or short term placement.

She said possibly long.

She went on to tell me that they have placed all of his siblings but have no where for him.

I told her I would have to talk to my husband but that we could only keep him through the weekend as we don't really have the room in the car or the house. She said that would help a lot as this is a holiday weekend and she was having a hard time finding anyone else to take him. I said I would call her back.

I called Allen, he was on his way home. I told him and he IMMEDIATELY said yes.

So we have another little boy right now.

He was scared when he first got here and cried which TOTALLY broke my heart for him. He must be so scared and confused. I sat on the floor and played with him and within minutes he was giggling and laughing.

He is already following me all over the house. :-)

My only fear is that they will NOT place him elsewhere on Tuesday and then we will be in trouble. The van is not big enough for three carseats and Makily's wheelchair. I can make it work short term but there is no way I can do this for a long time.

He ate a good dinner and I gave him a bath. He has been VERY sweet and he looks like a really healthy little guy. I rocked him for a little bit and he went to sleep.

We'll call him Snuggles.

So I think I have a new addiction.

When Makily was born I stopped doing her baby book altogether. To be brutally honest it was TOO painful to do. I attempting scrap booking for her a few times. Just sifting through pictures would bring me to tears. I put a lot of the NICU memorabilia in "the drawer" in her room. I don't go in "the drawer" because it depresses me so much.

It's sad her baby book is empty except for details of my pregnancy and descriptions of how happy and excited I was to be having her.

During our foster care classes they explained that it's encouraged to start or continue a "life book" for your foster children. They said that when a child has no pictures or nurturing memories from their bio parents when they are very small, that when they get older sometimes they don't believe they were actually "born" to anyone. Sometimes they feel that they were just kind of "dropped" onto the earth. If they have a life book to look at pictures and describe what their early years were like, they develop more of a sense of belonging. At least that's what "they" say.

So I started J's life book several weeks ago. It's really a scrap book. I have done six or seven pages in it so far. I would think about the fact that I had not started one for Makily and the guilt would wash over me. Then I would remind myself how painful it has been in the past for me to do it for her and I would push those feelings aside.

Well Sunday I went to the scrap book section of Walmart and found the cutest scrap book. It was THE ONLY one like it there. What's more significant is that it has a "ladybug" theme. It stood out to me like a sore thumb. I LOVE ladybugs and Makily has a ton of lady bug clothes and hair clippies. She even had a lady bug bathing suit and swim cover up last year.

I bought it and picked out several other things to start her book with.

I found myself getting choked up picking out stickers and embellishments for her.

I bought a few "It's a Girl" sticker packs. Of course there are bottles, pacifiers, and one even had a bib in it that says "Feed Me".

For Makily those are wasted stickers.

All the crap that has "your first steps", "i can crawl", "I like to eat", "My first word" was killing me.

I kept forcing myself to look over it.

Then I went over to MICHAELS to get a few more things. I had an awesome pack I had gotten for J and wanted to get another one but in "girl" theme for Makily. I was looking at some other things and found the "quote" packs. For those not in the scraping "world" they are books of vellum type paper with sweet sayings on them.

This one got me:

".......all the things I prayed and hoped for you in my dreams have come true my daughter......."

*Gouge my eyes out with a spoon.....PLEASE?!*

I felt the tears filling my eyes, I threw it down and went to the register with what I had already found.

While I was waiting to check out I kept thinking:

"God why didn't I get that cookie cutter life, why didn't all MY hopes and dreams come true for Makily, why can't I relish in Makily doing simple things like EATING and talking"?

I checked out, got in the car looked at Allen and said:

"Nothing like scrapbook shopping to make me want to throw myself in traffic"!

He looked at me like I had lost it (a typical look I get these days :-).

Once I got home, I sat down and went through what I had purchased. I started thinking and I realize NO ONE has a cookie cutter life. No matter how perfect things may look on the outside......typically inside there are things that are painful and dark. I need to be thankful for what MAKILY CAN DO and what SHE IS rather than what she is not. It's hard sometimes though when just looking at scrap booking supplies at Walmart seems to be rubbing what she can't do in my face.

I did the first page in Makily's book yesterday. I did NOT use any of her NICU pictures for it, her birth pictures are too sad so I don't know when or if I will scrap them.

I think I am going to start looking for "special needs" scrap booking stuff. I don't even know if anyone makes it but if they do I am going to find it.

"OMG her button is gone!"

So Sunday after church Makily decided she would take a three hour nap. Allen got her up and put her on the couch in the living room. He went to hook her up and yelled:

"OMG, HER BUTTON IS GONE!"

Inside I panic because I am thinking....."How long has it been out?"

I could hear her surgeon's words echoing in my head.

"Wow Makily's stoma really closes up quickly when the button is out."

Since she had napped for three hours it could have been out three hours or five minutes. If it had closed up, well you can imagine what we would have to do then.

My stomach was churning.

Allen and I both run to her room. He finds the button in the bed....balloon deflated. I check it and there is a BAD leak in the balloon. So bad that I can see the water squirting out the side of it.

*sigh*

So I run into the den and start digging through all my g tube supplies. I am a freak when it comes to Makily's g tube stuff and I keep everything. When we replace her button with a new one (every three months or sooner if it's leaky or the balloon pops) I sterilize them and then I put them in a zip lock baggy. This way I always have something I can put in there if I am EVER stuck in a position where I can't get my hands on a new button. They aren't the easiest things to get ahold of by the way....especially if it's in a hurry. Been there done that.

I find a button that isn't leaky (the balloon just inflates uneven for some reason?). I decide I will put that one in since I don't have a new one.

Why don't I have a new one you might ask?

Well you see our home health company will ONLY send me ONE every THREE months. Every now and then there is a short period of time that I don't' have an extra, new button because I had to replace Makily's early for one reason or another. This just happened to be a two week period where we don't have a new one to put in.

Does Makily have impeccable timing or what?

So I go to put in the button, I slather it with lubricant and I try to get it to go in.

Makily is crying, my hands are shaking and I am pushing and pushing....it's not going in.

I try again after squirting half the tube of lubricant on the button and Makily's tummy.

It would not go.

I want to sit down and cry but know I don't have time to do that.

Then I realize I have a new button one size down (meaning the width of the button) in her closet. The home health company had sent it by mistake months and months ago.

I get it ready to put it in.

I say to Allen if this doesn't go in we will end up in the ER and by the time we wait and they get us back I doubt we will be able to get ANYTHING IN THERE, not even a foley catheter (they sometimes use those to hold a stoma open until something more permanent available...of course I don't have a foley at the house but believe me I am getting one now). Most likely Children's ER in Orlando would take us right back but they are two hours away.

Time is not on our side here.

I squirt more lubricant all over the new button and Makily again (she was a slippery little girl by the time I was done). Honest to God I prayed over the button and Makily's tummy (a quick prayer though).

I pushed the button into the stoma and it slid right in....EASILY on the first try.

I inflated the balloon, put gauze around the button and then BAWLED my head off.

It's strange to me how I totally hold it together until it's over and then I completely loose it afterwards. Allen sat Makily up and would you believe she squealed happily and clapped her hands together like we had just read her favorite book? She is such a trooper.

I had a "she'll never" moment the other day. Totally unexpected and out of nowhere. I was watching John and Kate plus eight. They had taken one of the older twin girls (I think it was Maddy?) for her "one on one" day with Mommy and Daddy. They went to the mall to get her ears pierced. As I was watching I imagined what it would have been like to take Makily to get her ears pierced once she had decided she wanted it done. I thought about what a great Mother/Daughter bonding day that would have been for us. I had my ears pierced when I was six and I still remember it to this day. Makily will never have that day with me. I cry just typing that. She will never be able to make the choice to have it done, and honestly I wouldn't put her through it either. She has been poked more than any four year old ever should so don't think it's fair for me to decide that for her.

She started some private therapies this week. We'll see how that goes. I'll go into more details about that in another post.

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Things are still looking very good in our favor for J. There are so many details and ins and outs to his case. If I were to update on everything going on with that most of you would be scratching your heads. It's all very confusing and at times contradictory. Just know for now things are in our favor. I did seek some professional advice which I knew would be brutally honest with us. I just wanted to know the actual legal aspects of everything from an unbiased person. It was all good news for us on that front too.

Sorry it's been so long on an update. I have actually been writing this entry for a day or two but kept being interrupted by one or both of the babies....I love it.

Holding On.

Every time I feed J he plays with the necklace I wear. More so when he is sleepy. Yesterday after court we went to the mall to take our minds off things. Allen and J went to go to the "video store". When they met back up with Makily, Tara (my niece) and I, J was holding a small box in his hand. With Allen's help J bought me this simple gold cross. Now when I am feeding him he plays with the cross as he slowly drifts to sleep.



I will never take it off and it will always have a special meaning to me.

Here are a few pictures from the last couple of days.

Little J trying to steal Uncle John's hat.


Makily playing patty cake with Tara


Makily snuggling with Uncle John


Giggling with Uncle John


J in the stroller at the mall


This is a video I took in the van yesterday.
J LOVES Peek-A-Boo now and Tara had him laughing so hard.

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

As for me I am "holding on". I go back and forth on how I feel about everything and I just want to have peace about it. I can't have peace if I don't give it to God and LEAVE IT THERE.

I am trying.

My friend Heather posted this "poem" for me and it rings very true in my situation and MANY situations in my life.

I may add it to my sidebar of my blog.

As children bring their broken toys,
with tears for us to mend,
I brought my broken dreams to God,
because He is my friend.
But then instead of leaving Him
in peace to work alone,
I hung around and tried to help,
with ways that were my own.
At last, I snatched them back again
and cried, "How can you be so slow?"
"My child" He said, "What could I do?
You never did let go."

--Author Unknown

I keep reminding myself that we have been through so much with Makily. We can get through this. I am stronger than I give myself credit for. I just really have to surrender this and let whatever is going to happen....happen. I had a horrible time in the beginning with Makily doing that and I struggle with it now with J.

Please pray for peace in all of this for Allen and I.

Court Today.

First off I apologize that it is so late and I am just now posting this. I have had a lot to take in today.

The hearing was heard by the magistrate and not the judge. I don't really know what difference that makes except we are now having another hearing in a month.

J's parents did not call or show up for his hearing. This is the first time they have no showed to court.

Everything was reviewed and they did discuss the fact that there is a family member in another state that wants J. The ICPC process (home study on that family member) was started last week. Typing that sentence just turned my stomach. Due to the fact that Allen and I have only had J for two months, they (social worker (SW) and GAL) initially were not even going to mention the fact that we want him. The courts look at us as no more than a "babysitter" until we have had him for six months (which will be Oct 2...I am going to start counting the days).

The motion was made to change the goal to TPR (termination of parental rights) with a CONCURRENT plan of reunification. One of the bio's attorney's said he felt it was "premature" to move for TPR and would rather they just make the family member J's guardian once the ICPC goes through. That way eventually his parents would still have the opportunity to get him back. The GAL spoke up then and stated that the family member adamantly stated she DID NOT want to foster J or be just his guardian, that if she was going to take him she would only do it if it was a straight out adoption. Then she went on to say that if the ICPC on the family member does not go through that the foster family wants to adopt J. My eyes welled up when she said that and I was SO thankful she mentioned us.

In the end the goal was not changed. There will be ANOTHER hearing in August (by the judge and NOT the magistrate) and at that time the goal will be changed. The magistrate out right said that while there was some progress on the case plan it was minimal and she doubts that reunification will be possible. I believe the next hearing will be in another county, this is to make it easier for J's bio's to be there (I am rolling my eyes after typing that by the way). I may be mistaken on that as some of what was said was a bit confusing for me.

The GAL is going to speak with J's bio's. She is going to explain that we want him. She is going to discuss things we would and would not be willing to do to keep J in our family. Allen and I have discussed some pretty heavy things today but we have not made any solid decisions. Let's just say at this point we are very desperate to keep J and we are thinking about doing things we swore we would not do before we started this whole process. We have already broke all the other rules we made for ourselves.......why not another one?

*sigh*

This is SO hard.

I am not sure when the GAL will be able to speak with them because no one seems to have any contact information for J's bio's that is current. I am hoping she will be able to talk to them next week at visitation...if they show up.

They also feel the family member needs to (and has a right to) know the complete and total background on J. There are problems that could pop up later on down the road and this is something they should know before jumping into this. She also said that since J has moved so much it may not be daisies and roses from the get go and so the family member needs to realize that now. How awful would it be for him to get moved to a family member that can't deal with him just to be moved again?

So that's about it. I have been able to think of nothing else but this today and I need to stop. I have stared at him and looked at him all day today wondering what it is going to feel like if they take him away. I keep catching myself trying to memorize his scent and the way his head feels on my shoulder. I don't know how long I will have that and I never want to forget.

Pray for us, pray for J and most of all pray for God's will. I admit I say that half heartedly because the "devil" on my shoulder keeps whispering "what if it's God's will for him to be moved thousands of miles away with someone he does not know". I have given this to God all day long, and I keep taking it back. I have to surrender this and know that no matter what happens, it was meant to be.

Have I said how hard this is yet?

Pictures and video tomorrow. Too tired to do it tonight.

Shopping Spree, Sleepless Nights and Attachments.

Saturday we received an unexpected $200 check in the mail for J from our agency. The letter attached said it was J's clothing allowance. I had just told Allen I was going to have to buy J a new wardrobe again because he was outgrowing some of his stuff, great timing huh? I was also pleasantly surprised because I had been under the impression that the clothing allowance was really just $50 and honestly I was not going to even bother trying to collect it.

My friend Sarah is a foster mommy too so we went shopping for the babies together. We had so much fun and got A TON of clothes. We stopped at GAP in the mall and they were having a great sale. I got at least five outfits from there.



JC Penney's had a great sale going on too so we really made out. I still have money left over for more clothes for J and I plan on going shopping later this afternoon for him again.



He needs more socks. I just don't understand where the heck his socks go. It's like they sock gnome comes and steals them. Of course I had to buy some things for Makily (out of our own money I would never use J's money for anything but J of course). I tried to get them a couple of outfits that would match for pictures. I also got a HUGE bag FULL of clothes from my friend Chontee. I haven't been able to go through them yet but I am sure J will be well dressed for quite a while!
(*thanks again Chontee*)

******************************************************

J is NOT sleeping well. This started Sunday and I am not sure what is going on. My guess is it's a growth spurt. I know Allen's schedule has something to do with it too. He has really grown fond of Allen and it's so cute. Saturday Allen was putting his shoes on to go to the grocery store and J started SCREAMING and crying. He stopped as soon as Allen picked him up to take him with him. It warmed my heart :-) Last night he was up every hour and would eat at least 3-4 ounces each time and then fall back asleep. It MUST be a growth spurt right?

I also have not been sleeping well the last week or so. I have a hard time falling asleep. Court is tomorrow and I just can't stop thinking about it. My stomach is in knots. My friend Sarah has court on her foster baby girl too so we are going together. Allen will be home and is staying with the babies. He said he just doesn't think he can handle going. I know it's going to be hard for me too BUT I am too nosy NOT to go. I want to hear every word, see every expression and know every detail.

***********************************************************

It's safe to say that J has attached to us. He does not like being alone in a room for any period of time. It's gotten worse over the last couple of weeks. I have been reading up on attachment issues with foster babies and children. I was reading what the risk factors were and was sad to see that J has MANY of the risk factors of developing RAD (reactive attachment disorder). Read up on it. It's pretty sad. At this point he is not showing any signs of RAD but I am afraid if he is moved again, especially if it's more than a few months from now, he will have major issues with it.

When I give Makily a bath he really gets upset because he's in the play pen and we are in the bathroom. I have resorted to doing this to avoid the tantrum.

Enjoy!

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

I feel like a rung out washrag.

Friday I felt weird all day. Just out of sorts. Sleepy, groggy, nauseated etc.

I spent most of Friday night into early Saturday morning hugging the toilet.

Oh joy.

Since then I have felt so lethargic, walking across the house leaves me out of breath. ICK. I keep breaking out in sweats, if I didn't know better I would think I was going through menopause at 30.

Hoping tomorrow is a better day.

***********************************************************
Thursday J had visitation again. I sent a note with him. I really got a wild hair and sent four pictures of him. I had only intended on sending one but Allen and I couldnt choose which was the best. His bio sent back a very gracious reply. Truth be told I was excited to read it and then AFTER I read it I wished I hadn't.

*sigh*

I go from desperately wanting to loathe J's bio's to actually feeling sorry for them. Don't get me wrong, in my mind there is NO EXCUSE for what happened that put them in the position they are in. This is not their first "day at the rodeo" so to speak.


It is no one's fault but their own and they both should have known better.


On the other hand reading a letter saying things like "thank you so much for taking such good care of J, he is cleaner and happier since being moved to your home and we are so grateful" tends to make them more human and not just a "situation".

Does that make any sense?

I don't know it's just all very confusing and conflicting.

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Delaney is going in for a bone marrow biopsy on Tuesday. We are all on edge about that and I am sure no one wants it to be over with more than my sister and my brother in law. Please pray that the test results come back fine and that little Delaney does not need any further blood draws or needle pokes.

******************************************************

I spoke with both the home health company and the insurance company about Makily's bed. They will NOT cover the sleep safe but they will cover a "fully electric home health bed". I looked up online this is the bed they approved.

Here it is:



When I saw it the first thing I said was "there is nothing on that bed to keep Makily in it!!" She said "oh well the rails would come with it and then directed me to the "safest" rails for Makily.
Here is a picture.

They picked those for Makily because they go the length of the bed, all the others are either half rails or less than that. These rails ARE NOT going to cut it and if they would have carefully read my letter they would have realized that. Makily will get wedged in between the bed and railing in NO TIME I can see it already. She is so wiggly at night I KNOW her tubes/wires/cords are going to get tangled and caught in that railing. For Heaven's sake she just fell out of the bed because SHE GOT WEDGED IN BETWEEN THE TODDLER RAIL AND MATTRESS AND BROKE THE TODDLER RAIL! Everytime she has been in the hospital in one of their beds I wake up to find her sideways in the bed with her arm/leg stuck between the bars/rails.

SO NOT SAFE!


Which is why we picked this bed.



See no rails, nothing for her cords and wires to get tangled into, no way for her to wedge herself in between anything.

At this point I have to write a letter of appeal and I will include pictures of Makily all tangled up in her wiring/tubing. Hopefully I will be able to catch her wedged in her bed....isn't that horrible that I hope to catch that? I should have taken a picture the last time but I was so mortified I didn't.

Right now she is sleeping in a toddler bed and I am sleeping in her big bed when Daddy is out of town for work. J sleeps in his room in his crib. We figured if Makily falls out of the toddler bed at least she is only falling a foot rather than falling from the height of a twin bed. She has already found ways to wiggle down past the rail on that and I went in last night finding her halfway in and halfway out of the bed...


...................................WHY DID NT I TAKE A PICTURE? ACK DANG IT!

Do you ever notice that when you go on vacation....

....sometimes you come back more tired than you did before you went!?

We took the kids to MGM Studios over the weekend and stayed in a hotel in Orlando with the Teals. As soon as we got to MGM it started POURING rain. I was not surprised since this is our luck. We waited it out a bit and luckily it cleared up enough for us to get over to "The Little Mermaid" show that Makily LOVES. Trishtwo held her for the show and I watched Makily more than I watched the show. I can't tell you how happy it makes me to see her going crazy happy like that. It makes me cry every time. I am a huge sap (and it does not help that CD one was Monday by the way that's code stolen from Michelle for all the ladies). Then we went to "Playhouse Disney". Makily really liked that. Daddy stood her up and helped her some and she watched the majority of the show like that. I was so proud of her. Baby J could have cared less though and was more interested in eating than anything else!

Makily watching Playhouse Disney and TOTALLY ignoring me in the background feeding J.


Makily again watching playhouse Disney (check her hair...Daddy did it :-)


Sunday we spent most of the day at the pool and I have the MASSIVE sunburn on my back to show for it. It is sore and itchy and I am way old enough to know better. I am pretty sure it was the first time Baby J had gone swimming and he really had a good time. He did not like to get out of the floaty though, the water was too cold.

Baby J in the stroller by the pool waiting to go for a dip


Makily loved the water as always. I spent a lot of time floating around with her singing our song (You are my sunshine). She laughed and giggled and made sweet Makily noises. There are moments I have with her that the whole world disappears and it's just me and Makily, I had many of those in the pool on Sunday. :-)

She wore her floppy sun hat and so the sun didn't seem to bother her much. I got a little choked up wondering how much longer I will be able to float around with her like that. She is getting so big. She's 32+ lbs, and while that does not sound too terribly heavy it is when you are carrying a hypotonic child that gives you minimal help. It makes me sad that I can't just pick her up and go anymore. I find myself sweating after a few minutes of carrying her. I know this will only get worse and that really breaks my heart.

GOD PLEASE LET HER LEARN TO WALK.

Both kids got sleepy after swimming for a while and took a little nap




Sunday night we went to Old Town. It was fun. We took Baby J on the carousel and he LOVED IT. I let him ride a horse and I held onto him. He giggled most of the time. I think Makily was tired though because she acted like she would have rather been sleeping.

I have to say that Allen and Baby J have really bonded. I was worried at first that Allen was having second thoughts that first week he was here. He was stand offish and I know it was because he is/was afraid. Now they are like two peas in a pod and they really love each other. It gives me a lump in my throat. Allen carries him around in the sling without a second thought.

I love this picture.


I also go back and forth and back and forth on my opinion on whether or not we will end up with Baby J. One day I will be totally confident and then the next day I find myself saying "what if this or what if that". I am really pushing myself to be realistic and accept that he can be taken away from us. He has been with us almost a month now and he has totally blended into our family. A stranger came up to me in the store the other day and told me how adorable J is and that he has my eyes. I just smiled and said thank you.

I found this poem the other day and the words rang so true for me. Although I do not know how dedicated J's bio mom is to getting him back I do know that deep down she loves him and this touched me deeply.

This is exactly how I feel.

He's Not Mine


I have to remember~~
When he's laying there peacefully asleep next to me,
He's not mine-

She loves him too
When he smiles that smile that makes me fall in love with him more,
He's not mine-

She loves him too

When he gazes at me with those beautiful blue eyes,
He's not mine-
She loves him too

When I hold him tightly in my arms,
He's not mine-
She loves him too

When he lays his weary head on my breast,
He's not mine-
She loves him too

When I whisper "I love you"
He's not mine-
She loves him too

For the moment I'm the lucky one he's with… but, he's not mine.

I know one day soon he'll leave me and go back to her,
and I can only hope that he'll think of me ~~

I know I'll be thinking of him~

No matter how much I love him; no matter
how much I care it won't change the fact ~

He's not mine…

He has a mother who loves him, she loves him enough to try to work her problems out~
She loves him enough to try to get her life straight so it's a safe place for him to be~
And me, I love him enough to take care of him while she's doing that~~ but then I have to love him enough to remember

He's not mine…

I have to love him enough to teach him the things he needs to know at this stage in his life, then let him go…

I have to love him enough to pray each night that he's safe and that I will have made some positive impact on his little life…

I have to love him enough to remember that no matter how much I love and adore him…

He's not mine…

Author Unknown



**Please continue to pray for my neice Delaney. Her blood work today was low again and we are now just awaiting an appointment for her to have a bone marrow biopsy. You can follow what is going on with her at my sister's blog. The link is in my link list to the right.**

Happy Mother's Day.

This Mother's Day is an amazing and emotional one for me.

To my babies.

My precious miracle Makily.

You are the child that changed me forever. The child I have watched fight from the brink of death more times than I like to admit. You are the child that has given me strength when I didn't think I had any left to give. You have shown me what Love really is. You have connected me to a circle of so many people that have enriched our lives. You have made me a better person. You have taught me what is important in life, your determination has given me hope when there was none to be found. You are the reason I was born. You ARE my purpose in life and ALL things in my world lead back to you somehow. Because of you I have done things I never would have thought I had the strength to even attempt.

YOU have led us to your baby brother.

You are my center, my love and my life.



Sweet Little J


My first foster baby, my first boy....my first son.

You have only been here a week and I love you like my own. While my heart aches with fear of the future, it soars when you smile at me. Already you know that I am "Mommy" and I am overwhelmed with joy because of that. I pray that God's plan is for you to stay with us forever. If you leave us, you will NEVER be forgotten and you will take a piece of my heart with you. You stole it when you happily smiled at me and immediately cuddled into my arms when we first met. You made it impossible not to attach myself to you, I never had a chance sweet one.


Being a mother is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

I am so thankful to God for giving us these two blessings.

I love this song. I am stealing it from Jen's blog today.

What day is it!?!?!?

WOW!

It's been CRAZY here at the Caldwells.

My babies are currently doing this:


and this.............


So I had a minute and though I would blog an update.

I have had a couple questions that I thought I would answer here.

First of all I do not plan on posting photos of JJ's face on my blog. Today you will get pictures of him and Makily, but your not gonna see his face. I hate it but we really need to protect ourselves. We do not want his bio's (biological family) to know where he is. Keeping our family safe is a priority and we do not wish to risk that in any way, shape or form. The fear is that a "friend of a friend of a friend" would see my blog and inform them of it. So as much as I hate it I can't post pictures of his GORGEOUS face. I can't really go into his background too much for the same reasons. We also want to protect his privacy as he may not stay with us forever.


ANYWAY!

Have I said it's been crazy here?

We are adjusting though.

Monday went incredibly smooth!

Tuesday was PACKED full, I didn't stop all day long it seemed like.

First off I got up at 5:30 , fed JJ a bottle, rocked him back to sleep, got Makily up and ready for school, packed her into the car with all her bags, got JJ out of the crib, into the car and we dashed off to school. Then I raced home, took a shower and made myself presentable. JJ and I went to the Health Dept for his well check and he got his four month shots (no fun poor baby). He has cradle cap (which I knew and was working on) and they said I could use Head and Shoulders on it....neat huh? The back of his head is also a little flat so we are doing lots of tummy time with him so he will have a nice round "charlie brown" head. :-)



Then I went to the WIC department and I was clueless. I had never been there before and to say I looked like an idiot is an understatement. JJ gets WIC since he is a foster baby and we have never had it before so I was lost. Got that done though.

After that I took JJ to visitation. I can't go into details for privacy reasons BUT I did come in contact with his bio's while there and I was NOT HAPPY. It was awkward and uncomfortable just as I had imagined it would be. I was assured this would not happen, it did, so now I am not taking him to visitation anymore. I tried, they screwed up, so now they have to find a transporter to take him. *sigh* I hate it but again we can't risk our family's privacy and safety.
Allen being the nice guy he is, is thinking about telling them HE will take him to visitation but only if they will change the day to WED's. We'll see.

While JJ was at visitation I rushed to get Makily from school, dropped her off at her Granny's (didn't want the bio's to see Makily) and picked JJ up. Then I picked Makily back up and came home. The respiratory company rep was here when I drove up to deliver Makily's c-pap mask. I made her help me get the kids out of the car and carry about 25 bags! LOLOLOL

I had been giving JJ Tylenol since he had his shots earlier in the day, they told me to give him 0.4 of a dropper. Well he spiked to 103.3 YIKES! Come to find out he should have been getting 0.8 (a whole dropper!). So I gave him the right dose, bathed him, (all the while he is crying from the temp) wrapped him in a towel when he decided it was time to pee on my lap. I moved him to my chest to dry my leg off when he peed on my chest.

LOVELY.

Allen walked in after all that and the house looked like a bomb had gone off in it. I was wet and peed on and poor JJ was naked, screaming in a towel. Makily though was the trooper sitting on the floor playing with her toys and giggling. I think JJ and Makily have plotted against me already!

Today was better. I got the house back in order. My Nanny came over and watched the kids while I cleaned and she also folded laundry for me. She is so sweet.

So while it's been crazy, we are adjusting and getting into a routine. Allen is taking Wed-Sun of next week off so that will be a big help.

The promised pictures:

Makily and JJ chatting it up.


She likes to play with his toes and feet

IT'S A BOY!

We picked him up today. He is four and a half months old.

For blog purposes we are going to call him J.J.

He is ADORABLE and sweet as pie.

I walked in the door and said "Hi Baby" and he grinned and then came right to me.

I almost cried right there.

I'm in so much trouble!

He's on a great schedule. I am told that he sleeps through the night and he is sleeping as I blog right now.

Makily seems to like him already. We all sat on the floor when we got home. J.J. and Makily cooed, giggled and smiled at each other. I cried again. It was really cool to see how quickly she took to him. She kept holding on to his little foot and smiling at me.

So far his temperment is AMAZING considering his background (which for legal reasons I can't go into here....sorry). He just lights up when you talk to him and makes the cutest little squeals.

I know that there are many unknowns and that things may not work out how I would like but for now.....for tonight I am just going to relish in the Joy of this sweet baby boy.

Life is good.

Thank you God.

Did the phone just ring and where are the ear plugs?!

Okay seriously I have done NOTHING but jump every time the phone has rang.

Are we ever going to get a placement!?

ACK!

Okay granted we haven't even been licensed for a week but I am impatient.




Had Makily's IEP (meeting to evaluate her progress and make goals for next year) today, I did it over the phone because I am a dingbat and could have sworn it was for tomorrow. It was like I was there, I was on speaker phone during the whole thing so it worked out.

It went well but I would be lying if I said that there weren't several instances that made my eyes well up with HUGE tears. :-( Part of me wanted to find ear plugs or mute the phone during certain parts.

One of the questions asked was what I was most concerned about when it came to Makily.

Gee that's a loaded question (and I did say that).

There are so many things I worry about for her and that I am concerned about, the thought of it brought a lump to my throat.

I told them I WANT her to walk. I stopped there but there was a huge part of me that wanted to SCREAM to them how much I want that for Makily.....and okay...for me too. I wanted to say that I want to see her dancing and jumping on her feet playing, hell I would settle for just seeing her walk slowly and unsteadily to me. That is my dream. God I hope it comes true one day. They talked about how Makily likes to watch the other kids play and to be with the other children. This really made me smile because she has come so far in that respect. Then the next sentence they read totally made me bawl (I put my hand over the phone).

"Due to Makily's disability she is unable to initiate meaningful play with another child".

It makes me cry just typing that.

I know it's true, Makily's body and mind don't work that way.

Even still it PAINS me that she can't sit down with a friend and color, or share toys or play a game.

This breaks my heart in ways I can't begin to describe.

The rest of the meeting I bit my lip and wished to God I had Makily with me at that moment. I wanted so bad to hold her and know that even though she can't do those things she is STILL MY BABY and the most amazing child on the planet to me and lots of other people too.

My heart just aches for her to experience all the fun things about being a child.

Simple things.
Like the way grass feels on your feet, coloring a picture, jumping on a trampoline, climbing a tree, dancing with a friend, sliding down a slide, feeling weightless in the ocean and the sand under her feet.

So while her IEP went well and Makily is getting all the services I wanted for her (plus HOPEFULLY some much needed equipment for in home) I am sad.

**To anyone from Makily's school that reads this, please do not feel bad in any way. I know you are all working hard with her and love her just like we do. This is just the all too painful reality of what it's like to be on the parenting end, it's hard (Tangie, I know you know that).**

I will be promptly picking myself up and dusting myself off tomorrow.

Random Frustrations.

This will be an entry filled with lots of ranting and raving. It will be all over the place so just bear with me.

1. I am so INCREDIBLY frustrated with the foster licensing process right now I could just cry. I don't know what is going on but I seriously feel so defeated. I call our licensing lady once a week. Last week I call and ask what is going on. She tells me that they (God himself, the mayor, the president who the heck knows who "they" are) haven't even reviewed the FIRST draft of the home study that was sent. *sigh* I call today and asked again what was happening. SAME ANSWER it's STILL not even been reviewed! I just don't understand. We have been going through this process for ALMOST A YEAR NOW! A YEAR!!! I am constantly hearing how there is such a shortage of foster parents, WELL NOW I KNOW WHY! They DRAG their feet so much! I have jumped through every hoop, gotten every piece of paper work, and it's so frustrating that I just have to sit here and wait for someone else to review this stuff. I asked why it hadn't been reviewed and was told "I don't know". What's worse is even when "they"approve it, IT STILL HAS TO GO TO THE STATE OF FLORIDA FOR REVIEW and approval, that can take ANOTHER two weeks (so in their time two months). I don't understand how people like THIS
are licensed to foster while we sit and WAIT! What's worse is I have no one to complain to. I don't want to cause a huge stink because I don't want them to think I am some crazy maniac lady. I WISH WE HAD $30,000 WE WOULD JUST ADOPT! Fertility issues SUCK!

2. My poor baby is a retching maniac lately. The last three nights I have woken up hearing her trying to vomit on the baby monitor. I run in there and sit her up. Last night was really bad and she had only had a little over half of her feed. Our gastro appt is coming up and I am going to speak with him and the nutritionist about putting Makily on a puree diet through her g tube. Zachary's mommy Nikki, contacted me recently about it and told me how much it has helped Zachary so I am hoping it will do the same for Makily. Some thing's gotta give. I feel so bad for her and I don't know what else to do. I spoke with the GI office a week or so ago and they did tell me her upper GI showed "minimal reflux going up past the esophagus". She said that her Nissen is still working except one TINY part that is allowing the "minimal reflux. That could be causing her to retch more but that there isn't much we can do about it other than what we are doing. **I have had people ask me what retching is, well here is a video I found (just a warning, it's not fun to watch). This is exactly what Makily does, it can last anywhere from a few seconds to five minutes of this. When she is able to stop and catch her breath, she cries which triggers the retching again. :-(

3. I hate apostrophe's and every blog I do, I have to go back through spell check and have them inserted (told you this would be random).

4. I had a postal worker harass me yesterday about tape. YES TAPE. I had ebay'd some stuff and took it to the TINY post office down by my house. He came OUT of his cubby to inspect my packages. He said I used the wrong tape. Now understand that I tape everything LIKE CRAZY because I don't want my label to come off or the package to come undone, most of my packages look ridiculous because of the tape. He actually said he wouldn't take my package because I didn't use "clear tape, not scotch or masking". He said my label wasn't going to stay on...I laughed and said there is no way that is coming off, you and I both know that. He told me that I would have to repackage it or take it elsewhere, he wasn't accepting it. Then I thought in my head "am i really sitting here arguing about tape with this man?" SERIOUSLY? I went to the store, bought tape and scissors and came back. I asked him if my tape was "regulation". He said it was but maybe too thin and then asked me if I wanted to use his!?!? I wouldn't have used his tape if it was the last piece of tape on the entire planet. Freaking Tape Nazi.

On a good note the montage for Makily's birthday is coming along nicely. I have more than half of it done already! I figured it would take me longer than it has. I am trying to wait to post it until her birthday but I don't know if I will be able to.

At a snail's pace

That is how quickly our foster licensing process is going.

*sigh*

The licensing specialist (LC) came and approved the fireplace door. We ended up taking a regular four slated fire screen, removing one slat and then we attached it to the front of the fireplace. It's hinged and everything. My husband is Mr. Handy Man.

She looked at the medication cabinet, the locked up gun and separate locked up ammo case. She went into the foster baby's room and dropped the bomb.

She says "Oh I forgot, you have to have a toddler bed".

*sigh*

Before anyone starts asking NO this was NEVER told to us beforehand. We started this process nine months ago and have had at least five home visits and just now we are being told we needed a toddler bed.

Why do we need a toddler bed when we are fostering 0-2 year olds you ask?

Well that is because the state will not allow us to put a 2 year old in a crib. Understandable BUT it would have been nice had someone mentioned this say four months ago?

We bought the bed today and the room is all set up with a crib and a toddler bed. We only plan on fostering ONE at a time. I am a smidge nervous that they may want to push more than one child on us knowing we have TWO beds in that room.

Here is what we are waiting on now.

Our LC gives our packet to her supervisor. She reviews EVERYTHING to make sure no one has missed or forgotten anything (how that is possible at this point I don't know). Once she approves it, our LC comes out to our house again for Allen and I to review the packet and sign off on it. (she will be making sure we have the toddler bed) Then it is sent to the State of Florida for review and THEN we are licensed.

How long all that will take....I have no idea.

Here is a little montage I did of the Foster Baby's room.

Make an on-line slideshow at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Dear Foster Baby...

I think of you often now that we are so close to having you here (at least I think we are close!). I have gone clothes shopping for you twice. I feel a rush of excitement and fear when looking at things to buy for you.

I know you will be afraid when we meet.

Most likely you will have been torn from the only family and home you have ever known. Everything will be different for you strange people, strange house, strange smells. I can't imagine how scary that will be for you. I pray I will know the right way to hold you, rock you and comfort you so you will feel safe and comfortable in my arms.

Knowing the reasons why you will need to come and stay with me brings sadness to my heart. I would be lying if I said I didn't want you to stay forever. That is the fear I speak of when I buy things for you. The fear in wondering how long you will be with us. Wanting to fall in love with you and fearing the heartbreak of when you may leave me. My faith in God comforts me and I am reminded that no matter what happens you were meant to come into our lives and us into yours. It was all in God's plan long ago. Only he knows the outcome. While I do have fear and anxiety about all these things, I have a peace with that too, knowing that God has led our family to you.

When I purchased the outfits today it struck me that if you leave I will send you with EVERYTHING we got for you while you were with us. At least a small piece of us will go with you. My hope is that someway, somehow we have made your life better and that you know what it is to be loved. I pray that your forever family whoever that may end up being will do whatever it takes to make sure you feel safe and loved.

I pray you will know no matter what that someone loved you unconditionally and that you were VERY wanted.

If you do get to stay with us I pray that you realize it was your destiny to be in our family. Just like it was Makily's destiny to be our daughter. I pray that we are able to show you how wanted and loved you are. I pray I can show you that being different is okay and that we are all special.

Most of all I pray that you are happy, loved and given all the opportunities in this world that you deserve.

Love
Your soon to be Foster Mommy :-)

Do it anyway............

So we are more than halfway through our fostering care licensing classes. We have two more Saturdays to go and then they start the homestudy process. I am having every conflicting thought and emotion in the book. I am excited and nervous, happy and sad, part of me wants to JUMP into this headfirst and the "sensible" part of me is telling me to be careful.

I am excited to be opening my home to a baby, a child that I can open my arms to and be there safe place to fall. On the other hand I am fearful and nervous that I will totally fall in love with a child just to have it taken from me. Then again I feel like if everyone used that excuse as a reason NOT to foster, well then no one would foster except people that are in it for the money. I just think if you are into it for the money, then you are fostering for THE WRONG reasons.

I also have feelings of gulit every now and then.
Am I taking away from Makily? Am I going to be able to give her the attention she needs and deserves with another child in the house? Am I just being selfish to desparately want another child? Can I really do this?

Even with all those thoughts and feelings, I do have a sense of peace about fostering if that makes ANY sense at all. I just figure that whatever is meant to be will happen. I learned the hard way when I had Makily that NO MATTER how much you plan or how hard you try to be in control...you REALLY have NO control over your life. I guess I just have to "do it anyway" in spite of my fears.

Allen and I have decided we are going to foster babies from zero to two. We had our reasons when we started the process for that and the farther into this we get the more sure of our age group choice we are.
We feel like if we can get a child before they are two, hopefully the problems they have experienced in their lives that have landed then in foster care that they possibly will not remember those things. It will be easier to form a bond with a younger child. Makily is also a consideration. If we were to take an older child they may not be as understanding and as accepting of Makily and we would prefer that the child be able to "grow up" with Makily. It seems that the older children (meaning 4-5 and up) seem to have more extreme behaviors. It's terribly sad some of the stories we have been told about some of these children and what they have been through. While I feel for them from the depths of my heart, our first priority has to be Makily. I would never forgive myself if we brought an older child into our home that somehow abused Makily as a result of abuse THEY had been put through. This is something that happens often. We were told that some of the teens have falsely accused someone of sexual abuse to get moved to a new home, just to admit they were lying once they were moved. You can't "unring that bell" and it's just not a risk we are willing to take.

So after all those thoughts and fears have gone through my head, we are still willing to foster. I keep reminding myself that usually the things that are hardest for us reap the best rewards....Makily is my prime example of this. The first year of her life was a living hell for her and our family. I would go through it all again to see her take those first steps that I was told she would NEVER take or to see her smiling and hear that AMAZING laugh of hers.

My sister told me about this song the other day. It really rings true in my life and I think it fits this blog entry perfectly.

Anyway

Martina McBride/Brad Warren/Brett Warren (BMI)

You can spend your whole life buildin'
Somethin' from nothin'
One storm can come and blow it all away
Build it anyway

You can chase a dream
That seems so out of reach
And you know it might not ever come your way
Dream it anyway

(Chorus)
God is great, but sometimes life ain't good
When I pray it doesn't always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway
I do it anyway

This world's gone crazy and it's hard to believe
That tomorrow will be better than today
Believe it anyway
You can love someone with all your heart
For all the right reasons
And in a moment they can choose to walk away
Love 'em anyway

(Repeat Chorus)

You can pour your soul out singin'
A song you believe in
That tomorrow they'll forget you ever sang
Sing it anyway
Yeah sing it anyway

I sing
I dream
I love anyway

And so a new part of our journey begins....

Allen and I have struggled for the last 2 years on whether or not to have more children. When Makily was 6 weeks old we met with the genetics counselor. She went over statistics and options with us. Since I am a carrier I have a 50/50 chance of getting pregnant with another Emanuel Syndrome (ES) baby. Horrible I know. What's surprising is that they say I only have a 6-10% chance of carrying the baby to term. Basically that means that if I were to get pregnant with another ES....I have about a 90% chance of miscarriage or stillbirth. I know some would see the 6-10% chance of having another live born sick baby and say "those odds aren't that bad" but when you already have a child that has a Emanuel Syndrome it becomes more real, yes I realize it's not common BUT IT DOES HAPPEN. I no longer think "oh that will never happen to me". Those days are soooo loooong gone. I remember in the first few weeks after Makily was diagnosed I kept saying: "this is something that happens to other people....Not me". I have learned over the past 2 years that ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN TO ANYONE. No one is immune to problems, hardships and tragedy...no matter how low a statistic is, or how rare something is, bad things can happen whether you want them to or not. I know that sounds so negative and I'm really not a negative person. I guess I just have this new outlook that anything can happen, at anytime, to anyone.....good or bad really.

The thought of accidentally getting pregnant makes me nauseas. Since I carry this genetic flaw these are the risks that I would have if we were to try to get pregnant naturally.

*Miscarriage
*Stillbirth (which would send me totally over the edge having to deliver a dead baby)
*An Emanuel Syndrome child (I adore Makily but her life is incredibly unfair. She has suffered more in 2 years than most adults have their whole lives, I would always blame myself for everything that child would go through, I didn't know before Makily and there are bad days when I still blame myself anyway.)
*A child with the same genetic problem as me (meaning this child would be destined to deal with the same issues and be forced to make the same decisions I am struggling with. How fair would that be? I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy much less my own child)
*A healthy baby (even typing those words is foreign to me. It just seems like something so far out of reach for me sometimes.)

**I am incredibly bitter than I will never be able to naturally conceive a child and rejoice in the moment those two lines appear on that test. It angers me that instead of being excited if I were to get pregnant naturally I would be filled with FEAR and terror. **

I recently brought up a scenario to Allen. It's one that has haunted me since I had Makily. I asked him "Had we found out that Makily had ES while I was pregnant, what do you think we would have done?" This is a hard topic for me because as long as I can remember I have been VERY PRO-LIFE. We discussed it for a while and Allen said he would have wanted to continue the pregnancy. I think my first reaction would have been to terminate, you see when Makily was diagnosed we were given a pretty bleak outlook. I believed she was going to live a horrible life filled with sadness and suffering, so had I been told that when I was pregnant with her, it would have scared me to death. I was a much different person back then. After much thought, conviction and discussion I believe Allen and I would have decided to carry her to term and pray for the best. I would have had a TORTURED and very sad pregnancy. I know that we would not have let them make any interventions with Makily at birth though. We would have set up a birth plan and said to just give her comfort measures, to let us hold her and love her for the time she was here and I know Makily would have slowly slipped away that night. It makes me cry just typing that. I know that Makily would not be here right now had we known............She could not have survived without all the interventions that were made. I would not have had these two years with her.
This is EXACTLY why God did not let us find out.....Makily was meant to be here.

I will admit, there have been times that I have sat next to Makily's bed in ICU crying many tears, wondering "how far is too far". How much is too much to do to her before we say "that's enough, leave her little body alone". That is another part of parenting a medically fragile child that sucks. You make decisions that no parent should ever have to make....then you constantly question yourself and everything decision you have made. I have often said "I am so sick of picking from 2 choices that both suck.....picking which sucks least is awful". Every surgery Makily has had we have always been faced with "it will fix this but may mess this or that up". Who can deal with that?
Before Makily had I heard someone talking about terminating their handicapped baby I would have been LIVID. I would have thought those parents were incredibly selfish and it would have made me nauseated. Now that I have watched Makily struggle, go through surgeries, seizures, g tubes, feeding issues, therapies and illnesses that I understand. I understand a parent wanting to save their child from the pain and suffering that their life would be filled with. I understand a parent that is so afraid for not only the future of that child but the rest of their family. I understand that having a handicapped baby does not only affect the mother and father of that baby but the entire family. When Makily is sick and hurting so is our entire family. When Makily has surgery we all sit on pins and needles praying that she will come out okay. I would never go back and change it because obviously my Makily was meant to be here, but it has been terribly hard for EVERYONE. What holds it all together is looking into Makily's eyes and seeing the innocence and purity that IS Makily. Seeing her smile and laugh makes it easier for me to keep pushing her to eat by mouth and to force her to do therapy. Knowing that despite all her problems my child is happy. She knows she is loved and she is happy and I can't ask for anything more than that.

The fact of the matter is though that Allen and I want another child. I had tried convincing myself that I could go the rest of my life not trying for more kids and not regret it.. Well I know I will always wonder "what if?" God forgive me but there are things I will never get to experience with Makily. That brings an ache to my heart that I cannot even begin to describe. Knowing I will most likely never hear Makily say "Mamma" or "Daddy" brings tears to my eyes. That being said there are things I have learned and experienced with Makily that I never would have had she been a "typical" child. Those lessons are what have made me who I am. I am incredibly grateful that God allowed me to learn those things and be Makily's mommy.

Allen and I have decided that we want to try IVF using donor eggs. We *could* use my eggs but there is more testing involved if we go that route. It would also involve discarding of any embryos that carried the same "genetic flaw" Makily has. I don't judge anyone who does this but for Allen and I it's just something we would feel guilty about. To us that is like saying we want to "discard" of Makily. This process is also not totally perfected and reduces our chances of a successful pregnancy. I figure we should bypass my eggs altogether and then we will have our best shot.
Obviously money is an issue here. I have an appeal in to our insurance company and am awaiting a reply. My argument is that if we have another ES child not only will the insurance company be forced to cover Makily, they would have ANOTHER expensive kid to cover. It would just be cheaper for them to pay for IVF with donor eggs. If our insurance company comes through and decides to pay we do not plan on starting the process until late next year.

Please pray for our family and pray for God to show us the right way.