Dimming lights, Enlightenment and Broken Hearts.

When I was in the nut house I noticed a theme in the "groups" they had assigned me to.  Of course there was a variety of things they taught me like being confident in myself and to not blame myself for Makily having ES.  The one theme though unrelated to my issues surrounding ES that kept popping up is "how to choose your friends". 


Sounds like something you should learn in like kindergarten right?


I am known to be very forgiving when it comes to my friends and I don't think that is a bad thing.  The bad thing about it is that sometimes people aren't meant to be in your life.  It's okay to forgive someone but that does NOT mean they need to be in your every day life.  It's even okay to love someone from afar.  This is something that has taken me 34 years to learn.


My friend Amber Burris Baker posted  this on her facebook yesterday and it spoke to my soul. 


"Our purpose is to compliment the lives of others...not complicate each others lives. Are you making a positive impact or leaving a blazing trail of negativity in your path?" 

 Wow.


What's more impressive is Amber's daughter actually said that.


For me I have realized that if someone is complicating my life instead of complimenting it.......they need to go.  I need to remove MYSELF from the situation.  Oftentimes in the past I would give chance after chance.......make excuses for people and hope that they change.  My life is complicated enough then to add others problems to it.  I'm EASY to take advantage of.  Sometimes I will pretend not to notice when someone is taking advantage of my or Allen's kindness, but I see it.  The part of me that is convinced that there is GOOD in everyone and that no one would REALLY take advantage of us keeps me from saying anything and putting up with it.  It leaves that hope in me that all people are good.  Which again at age 34 I have realized that is not the case.  Not all people are good.  Just like not everyone is meant to be in your life.....love from afar if you have to but don't let anyone else complicate your life any more than it already is.  If you have friends or people in YOUR life that are causing more complications then compliments.......it's not worth it.  Walk away. 



Hard lesson to learn but DAMN I'm glad I learned it now then 10 years from now.

A lot of things have been put into perspective for me recently.

My grandmother's health has been on a rapid decline really for two years.

My Nanny.


The woman that has been around and taken care of me as long as my mother.  When we were kids she lived in a trailer within throwing distance from our front door.  On weekends me and my sisters would spend the night with Nanny.  The nights I forgot my underwear Nanny would put hers on me and safety pin them in place.  I would forget them on purpose because I thought this was cool.  We would all curl up in Nanny's bed and I remember how safe, warm and loved I felt back then.   She would go on field trips with us and she makes the best sweet tea that I have ever tasted.  She and I used to sit and talk about the good old days and the depression.  Granted I had no idea what I WAS talking about but I liked to pretend and I loved to hear her stories about how they grew up poor and how she would eat a corn pong for lunch at school. 


There was a short time in my life that I literally had no one........except my Nanny.  I will never forget that.


Nanny is now 85 and unfortunately she has all many of the problems that go along with being 85.   What's being robbed of her right now though that is tearing me....well us apart, is her mind.  She is slowly forgetting things.  She's confused a lot and seeing the vibrant, beautiful, amazing  woman that I have known ALL of my life slowly lose who she is is about to kill me.


Sunday my Nanny took four times the dose of all her meds.  She does not remember doing it or why. 


Several months ago it became apparent that Nanny could no longer live on her own....even if it was just a stone's throw from my mom's house.  She was calling my mom saying that someone was knocking on her door at night but no one would be there.  My dad even sat out one night waiting to see the elusive person but no one ever came, even though the next morning Nanny complained about them knocking again the night before.  Then she really scared us when she was found in her car at 10 o clock at night with the keys in her hand.  She takes meds at night that would make her driving AT ALL dangerous.  Had she driven she would have likely killed herself and/or other innocent people.  She also has broken BOTH hips in the last couple of years and her walking is pretty awful.  She won't stay in a wheelchair because she says if she stops walking she won't be able to anymore.  So she walks with a walker...unsteadily.  When the car incident happened and my mother realized that if left alone Nanny will likely fall again and hurt herself or worse get in the car and drive when she shouldn't be.  My parents both still work as does the rest of our family so there just is no one that can be with her 24/7.  The decision was made to put her in an Assisted Living Facility.  This was the least restrictive thing we could do to ensure her safety.  Nanny was not happy about it and still is not.  This is heart wrenching for us all.  I would LOVE to be able to whisk her up and take care of her but I can barely handle what's on my plate now.  This hurts me to the core.  


Sunday when my sister Deborah went up to see Nanny one of the techs told her that she had not been acting right all day.  She was more confused.  That she had not waited for help to go to dinner or lunch (she is not allowed to go walk by herself).  When my sister got up to Nanny's room, Nanny was passed out in the chair.  Deborah tried to wake her and she would open her eyes but fall right back to sleep.  Deborah is an RN and has been taking care of all of Nanny's meds.  She gets them at the beginning of the week and puts them in her MONDAY-SUNDAY pill box and then all Nanny has to do is dump that days meds out at the right time and take them.  This has worked well up until now.  When Deborah could not figure out why Nanny was so lethargic she went to the pill box to see if anything was missing that should not have been.  When she opened it she realized Nanny had taken FOUR doses of ALL her morning meds....plus then she ALSO took her evening meds at dinner. 


My Nanny is on heart meds, Alzheimer's meds, an antidepressant and pain meds for arthritis and of course the two broken hips.  An extra dose of one of those meds might have been okay but FOUR TIMES the normal amount ON ALL of them was dangerous and honestly could have killed her.  I don't know that she would not have just gone to sleep that night and not gotten up the next morning had my sister not gone up there that night.  Deborah called 911 and the admitted Nanny to the hospital.   Sunday Nanny was totally unconscious the rest of the night.  I went up to the hospital early Monday morning HOPING that the drugs would have worn off enough and she would be coherent and back to normal but that was not the case.  She lay in the bed her body twitching intermittently, unconscious while I sat holding her hand with tears streaming down my face.  She would talk to someone and start chewing as though she was eating in her sleep. I did try to wake her but she opened her eyes only for a moment, looked at me, SMILED and then closed her eyes again. 


Yesterday my mom, my sister and I went to the hospital together after my Nanny called my mother at work telling her she was being held hostage.  When we got there we were told she had been trying to pull off her EKG leads.  She also tried to pull out her catheter.  We all sat down and I asked her if she knew why she was in the hospital.  She was confused so I told her she had taken four times her meds and I asked her if she remembered why she did that.  She says she does not.  I told her that if she did that because she was really sad that she better not ever do it again because then it would make ME very sad.  She promised she does not remember.


She also was not sure where she was.  She kept saying she was at home. Her eyes were not her own and I pray to God or whoever/whatever is up there that once all the drugs are out of her system she will be Nanny again.  I am fearful though that there is a piece of her that's been lost.  The spark....the light in her eyes is dimming and it makes me sob just typing that. The doctor told us that this is "how the progression works....sometimes it's fast".  I wanted to throw a brick at him when he said that.  They are saying dementia and Alzheimer's but honestly I don't care what you call it.......it's robbing my Nanny of her light.  I hate it.

So this week my Nanny has put a lot of things in perspective for me.  Don't let anyone else steal your light.  you are responsible for your own happiness.  No one can take that away from you UNLESS YOU LET THEM and I admit there have been times in the past I have allowed others and their actions steal my light.  I WILL NEVER LET THAT HAPPEN AGAIN.   My Nanny's light is dimming and she has no control over that.....I WILL BE DAMNED if I allow ANYONE in my life to take away the joy and the goodness that is in me. 


I am determined to always be a compliment and not a complication in any one's life.  I won't let anyone else complicate mine again either.





What are you.....a complication...or a compliment?


I love you forever my Nanny.

Random Stuff About Me.

I like it when Jakob says "Thank you" and "Your Welcome" not just because it's polite but because he says it SOOOOO cute.

I like it when Allen gets home early. My favorite is when he tells me he will be home at 5 and he surprises me by getting home hours earlier.

I love the show Intervention. Of course my favorite ones are the ones when people get their lives together and dig themselves out of the hole they had gotten into.

I like...no LOVE Makily's laugh. I get giddy EVERY TIME she laughs just like it was the first time. Her smile is just contagious and it makes me happy.

I like this song and it won't get out of my head. They played it on the radio like a billion times yesterday I CAN'T GET IT OUT OF MY HEAD and so I posted it on my facebook. Here's the video to it. It's pretty odd.


I love kids and new babies. My favorite job was when I worked in pediatrics. I have so many positive experiences from doing that and I think it helped prepare me for Makily. I worked with a baby that had special needs and a g tube back then.

I love this man.


and this song an video:


Don't worry Allen knows and he has an equal love for this woman.


I like watching Man, Woman, Wild. My favorite is when the wife freaks out over a snake or bugs or something and she screams like a little girl. Why? Because THAT'S WHAT I WOULD BE DOING TOO!

I hate driving.

I hate being confined or closed in. I wouldn't say I'm clausterphobic because I don't freak it just irritates me.

I can't stand Nancy Grace. TOT MOM!!


I think Casey Anthony did "it" but on accident and then she's stupid so the way she handled it all was HORRIFIC. I think she drugged her daughter so she could go out and she accidentally gave her too much. I think "Zanny the Nanny" was actually Xanax the whole time. JMHO.

I'm crazy intrigued with the Darlie Routier case in TX. If you haven't heard of it you should google her name. In fact here is a link: DARLIE ROUTIER CASE My sister and I followed this case for a while and I don't think either of us could decide if Darlie really did it or not.....she's sure sitting in jail for it though.. Read up on it and tell me what you think.

If you can't tel I love true crime stories and I used to read them at night when I was falling asleep. I stopped doing that though because it gave me bad dreams.

When Makily was little I used to go to bed with "Dumb and Dumber" playing OR "Napoleon
Dynamite". How can you fall asleep to either of those movies without a smile on your face.


My stomach and intestines are on the opposite side of my body than everyone else's. They don't know where my appendix is.

When I was a kid my two older sisters could ride bikes. I didn't have one yet but we did have a set of old handlebars from a bike that was broken. I was like five and wanted to ride so I just ran behind my sisters with the handlebars in my hands. LMAO!

I've sprained BOTH my ankles multiple times.

I've never broken a bone. *knock on wood*

I've known my best friend since I was 15 and we share the same name.

I like to wog it clears my head.

I love Britney Spears, Katy Perry, Adele, Christina Aguilera, Kelly Clarkson and Eminem. What a mix right?

I think the Trayvon Martin case is so sad and I wonder WHY ON EARTH Zimmerman continued to follow the kid when the 911 operator clearly tells him they don't need him to do that. I also think it's terrible NBC edited the 911. Just a totally messed up situation.

I love to dance.

I hate long car rides.

My favorite color is pink. Blue comes after that.

I'd rather be barefoot.

I love the beach.

Questions and comments wanted and expected! Ask me anything.

What's Jakob doing?

He's being the Tasmanian Devil of course.



Seriously though he's doing really well.

His speech is coming along nicely. He still has a long way to go but he is forming sentences using the words he does know. I'm amazed each day when he uses a new word correctly...even if it doesn't sound just right. Allen and I have gotten good at deciphering what he is saying but there are still times we are both stumped. This either causes a tantrum OR he just walks away and gives up.....typically it's a tantrum though.

He gets really frustrated if he can't do something on the first try. He'll throw whatever it is he is playing with and start crying. I usually will just say "Jakob can Mommy help you with something....." Most of the time it will pull him out of the tantrum and I will show him how to do whatever it is.

This morning he had the end all be all tantrum. I told him to get in the car. He said NO and turned around and went back inside the house and laid on the chair pretending to be asleep. sigh. You all know I am always running ALMOST late so this just was not something I had time for lol. I picked him up and carried him to the car kicking and screaming. I'm sure the neighbors think we are all insane over here. I get him strapped in, I put Makily in the car and began to drive away when he started REALLY freaking out, kicking my seat and saying....."Mommy MOOOOOOTE". He has a remote control for a toy car he has been carrying around and he left it at the house. I said sorry we have to go and I thought he was gonna go INSANE! I just ignored him and he finally stopped but wow. All over a broken remote control.

We got a reward board for him. It has different tasks on it like "stop whining" "get dressed" "take a bath" and he gets a magnet happy face for each thing. The kid loves it and it's really working. The stop whining one is my favorite and he almost immediately stops when I say "Stop whining and I'll give you a happy face" lolol.

He is soo sweet and randomly will come up to Allen, Makily or I and give us a hug and kiss and say Luv u. Yesterday I watched him go get a toy for Makily. He repositioned her legs BY HIMSELF so he could put the toy in her lap, then turned it on, kissed her head and went to play. I just sat here watching him with tears in my eyes. Oh the things these two children have taught each other.



He loves anything electronic and his favorite things are things he isn't allowed to play with. lol If you leave your phone, IPOD, computer or video game unattended you can rest assured Jakob will have it hidden somewhere in no time flat.

The other day he got the empty dog bowl, put some ice in it and then placed a caterpillar on top of one of the pieces of ice. He's also brought me a caterpillar or two.

He loves to dig in the dirt.

He's such a boy.

I love you little man.

--Mommy

Makily is Eight.

So I should have something deep to say but I just don't.

Try as I may her birthday brings back some bad memories and I'll find myself just spacing out reliving it. I did that a lot in the beginning. It was pretty horrible. If I was not occupied back then I was reliving Makily's birth and the days after. Just suck big time.

We spent yesterday with ice cream cake and quietness. I was anxiety ridden and wanted to jump out of my skin. I'm much better today but yesterday was tough. We are doing a small party with close family and friends Sat. Very informal, but this way Makily will get to see everyone and they can bring her presents. :-)

Here are pictures from her birthday photo shoot by Chontee Ecker Joyner. She's a close friend of mine and has a daughter with a chromosomal abnormality like Makily. We had a heck of a photo shoot. We had Makily sitting all pretty in her tutu when all the sudden a pit bull began charging us. Chontee picked up Makily and ran and I ran with her (I had not seen the dog, so I had no idea why we were running). Chontee's pants started to fall down....she tried pulling them up but realized she couldn't run, hold Makily AND her pants up so she screamed "Sorry Trish!" and down went her pants. I'm laughing, running, crying, screaming and hysterical all at once. We got in the house and Chontee's first words were "Thank God I was wearing underwear!" SOOOO FUNNNY. What's better is that the dog owner watched ALL of this unfold as well as three car loads of jehovah witnesses.



Classic Makily.


Mommy's Ballerina (she wouldn't look up lol)


Her Tiara


Ballerina Slippers


Her necklace


Sweet Smile