Back to myself......pretty much!

Okay I have been dusting myself off since my last post.

I just re-read it and wow....pathetic.

I want to thank everyone who left supportive comments. It always helps to read that everyone has those days. I also want to thank everyone that reads my blog. Whether you comment or not I see your visit as a "hit" on my statcounter and my "hits" have really gone up since I started blogging regularly. It's really cool to see people from all over the USA reading about Makily. When I see hits from other countries like Finland, Australia, Switzerland, the UK, Brazil, and MANY from Canada (I see you guys too eh!?) it just blows my mind.

It's uplifting to see that so many people read about my family and love my baby girl! :-)

So I am feeling better today but .....

I really am frustrated with the whole foster parenting thing. I broke down yesterday and called to speak with the "Head of licensing". She of course was in a meeting and so I left a message. No word yet. I am a little concerned that this may ruffle feathers or "stir the pot" since I went above my licensing ladies head. The last two weeks the only answers she can give me though is "I don't know" so I figured I would call someone that could tell me something.

*sigh*

I am starting to get a little worried that we aren't getting any answers because they are concerned about our having a disabled child. I have asked if that would cause any issues from the get go though and they said "no". We'll see.

I will say this though, if I have jumped through all these hoops and waiting ALL this time, and they don't license us....I am going to be VERY ANGRY.

ANYHOO...onto better things.

Since I am on a mission to "perk" up, I will share a few things with you guys that makes me smile!

I have been "blog stalking" as Andrea calls it I happened to find a blog that IMMEDIATELY went to my "favorite" list. Seriously when I was down yesterday I must have watched her "toilet plunger VLOG" video two or three times and cracked up every time. Michelle's little girl has some special needs I can totally relate to her on that level too.

I love her humor!

DAILY GRIND GONE MAD

Check her out, she is HILARIOUS!

I will leave also leave you with two videos that no matter what....make me laugh every time!

Video number one. Nathaniel can really get down. I love his face!


Sticky!? Seriously.....what on earth made him think THAT word!?


By the way can you tell one of my FAVORITE shows is "The Soup"?

Tragic Story of a CRAZY LADY and a set of fireplace doors.

I will start this post off by reminding myself that in the grand scheme of things, THIS IS NOT really a big deal.

It's just INCREDIBLY frustrating.

Patience Lord...I know patience right!?

At our last home study we were told we had to have doors installed on our fireplace. I was a little miffed because we had three home studies before that one and no one had EVER mentioned this requirement. We would have had it done LONG ago had we known.

On January 9th, I went to Lowe's. I ordered and paid for a set of glass fireplace doors. The man asked me the measurements of our fireplace and then told me to pick out the ones I wanted. He didn't ask me any other questions about our fireplace and I didn't know anything else to tell as I have never done this before.


When I ordered the doors the man told me they would be in on Jan 23rd...maybe even sooner.

I got a call last weekend saying that they are on back order and OF COURSE no one can tell me how long. Mind you this was FOUR DAYS before they were supposed to arrive. I explained to them that this is the LAST thing standing in the way of our foster parent license and that I was VERY UPSET that I was not told they were on back order before then. They told me I would get a call on Monday to see what could be done (it was Saturday and the manufacturer is of COURSE closed).

Monday I received a call saying they were NOT on back order and would be here by Friday.

I was ecstatic.

Thursday I called to ensure everything was still in order for them to arrive Friday. I spoke with two people and after MUCH confusion was told that

THE DOORS WERE IN...A DAY EARLY TOO!

I decided that I did not want to wait for Allen to get home to pick them up. I had to go get them MYSELF. I couldn't be at ease until I had them in my house!

I picked them up and was incredibly pleased with myself. I called our licensing specialist and told her they would be installed this weekend. She was very pleased!

THANK THE LORD WE ARE DONE......

or so I thought.

*sigh*

This morning Allen opens the box. Starts reading the directions....sighs and then says"

HIM: We can't use these

ME: WHAT? WHY NOT!?

HIM: The instructions say "Do not use or install of prefabricated fireplaces. For use ONLY with masonry fireplaces".

ME: What is the difference and what the heck does that mean?

HIM: Masonry you have concrete that surrounds the fireplace, these attach to that concrete. We have a prefabricated fireplace and there is no concrete to attach this too.

**the top of my head flew off my body**

Allen and I then got into an ugly argument that I won't fully describe here. It was riddled with lots of colorful words. We weren't mad at each other......but hey who else were we going to scream at?

I called Lowe's, spoke with the manager and VERY FIRMLY explained our problem/s with them. He said he "thinks" they just "might" sell the pre-fab doors but for me not to quote him on it.

Gee that made me feel better.

Then he said that since it's Saturday the manufacturer is closed and so they can't find anything out for certain until Monday.

**Of course**

We have called around Ocala today to see if anyone has them, none of the places we have called has answered their phone. I googled "prefab fireplace doors" and have found a few of them but to the tune of over $500.

Lovely.

I also found THIS SITE
that says and I quote:

The Zero-Clearance Fireplace Glass Door Problem A very common problem with these fireplaces are dilapidated or missing Fireplace Glass Doors. Zero-clearance fireplaces manufacturers generally provide a glass door system with the fireplace. However, in an effort to keep the cost down the glass doors are generally not built to last... a long time. Soon the homeowner finds themselves searching for replacement fireplace glass doors, and this isn't always easy. The manufacturer of the fireplace may have gone out of business, or you aren't sure who installed the original fireplace, or you just simply don't know where to start.


I laughed uncontrollably I do think Allen believes I have lost my mind.

So we are going to be taking back the $230 doors that took two weeks to get to Lowe's and are trying to think of SOMETHING we can do to get a "door" on the fireplace. The cheapest I have found at the point are $500 and I am not even sure they are the correct size. Who knows how long it will take to get them to us.

We are kicking around other ideas, such as just buying a fireplace screen (the kind that would normally sit in front of the fireplace with the doors that open) and somehow mount that to the face of the fireplace. Don't know if this will work but we are willing to try.

I also have an email in to a guy that sells them on ebay to see if he has the size we need. Those are MUCH more reasonably priced but again, I don't know if he has what size we need.

My mom and best friend Trish keep saying "There is a reason behind this, maybe the baby you are supposed to have is not born yet or is not in the system so that is why there is the hold up, God knows what he is doing".

I agree and I pray they are right.

I have this horrible negative "evil troll" in my brain that keeps saying

"Maybe this is a sign that you aren't supposed to do this".

I keep telling the troll to shut the heck up.

Will keep you updated.

Dear Foster Baby...

I think of you often now that we are so close to having you here (at least I think we are close!). I have gone clothes shopping for you twice. I feel a rush of excitement and fear when looking at things to buy for you.

I know you will be afraid when we meet.

Most likely you will have been torn from the only family and home you have ever known. Everything will be different for you strange people, strange house, strange smells. I can't imagine how scary that will be for you. I pray I will know the right way to hold you, rock you and comfort you so you will feel safe and comfortable in my arms.

Knowing the reasons why you will need to come and stay with me brings sadness to my heart. I would be lying if I said I didn't want you to stay forever. That is the fear I speak of when I buy things for you. The fear in wondering how long you will be with us. Wanting to fall in love with you and fearing the heartbreak of when you may leave me. My faith in God comforts me and I am reminded that no matter what happens you were meant to come into our lives and us into yours. It was all in God's plan long ago. Only he knows the outcome. While I do have fear and anxiety about all these things, I have a peace with that too, knowing that God has led our family to you.

When I purchased the outfits today it struck me that if you leave I will send you with EVERYTHING we got for you while you were with us. At least a small piece of us will go with you. My hope is that someway, somehow we have made your life better and that you know what it is to be loved. I pray that your forever family whoever that may end up being will do whatever it takes to make sure you feel safe and loved.

I pray you will know no matter what that someone loved you unconditionally and that you were VERY wanted.

If you do get to stay with us I pray that you realize it was your destiny to be in our family. Just like it was Makily's destiny to be our daughter. I pray that we are able to show you how wanted and loved you are. I pray I can show you that being different is okay and that we are all special.

Most of all I pray that you are happy, loved and given all the opportunities in this world that you deserve.

Love
Your soon to be Foster Mommy :-)

Do it anyway............

So we are more than halfway through our fostering care licensing classes. We have two more Saturdays to go and then they start the homestudy process. I am having every conflicting thought and emotion in the book. I am excited and nervous, happy and sad, part of me wants to JUMP into this headfirst and the "sensible" part of me is telling me to be careful.

I am excited to be opening my home to a baby, a child that I can open my arms to and be there safe place to fall. On the other hand I am fearful and nervous that I will totally fall in love with a child just to have it taken from me. Then again I feel like if everyone used that excuse as a reason NOT to foster, well then no one would foster except people that are in it for the money. I just think if you are into it for the money, then you are fostering for THE WRONG reasons.

I also have feelings of gulit every now and then.
Am I taking away from Makily? Am I going to be able to give her the attention she needs and deserves with another child in the house? Am I just being selfish to desparately want another child? Can I really do this?

Even with all those thoughts and feelings, I do have a sense of peace about fostering if that makes ANY sense at all. I just figure that whatever is meant to be will happen. I learned the hard way when I had Makily that NO MATTER how much you plan or how hard you try to be in control...you REALLY have NO control over your life. I guess I just have to "do it anyway" in spite of my fears.

Allen and I have decided we are going to foster babies from zero to two. We had our reasons when we started the process for that and the farther into this we get the more sure of our age group choice we are.
We feel like if we can get a child before they are two, hopefully the problems they have experienced in their lives that have landed then in foster care that they possibly will not remember those things. It will be easier to form a bond with a younger child. Makily is also a consideration. If we were to take an older child they may not be as understanding and as accepting of Makily and we would prefer that the child be able to "grow up" with Makily. It seems that the older children (meaning 4-5 and up) seem to have more extreme behaviors. It's terribly sad some of the stories we have been told about some of these children and what they have been through. While I feel for them from the depths of my heart, our first priority has to be Makily. I would never forgive myself if we brought an older child into our home that somehow abused Makily as a result of abuse THEY had been put through. This is something that happens often. We were told that some of the teens have falsely accused someone of sexual abuse to get moved to a new home, just to admit they were lying once they were moved. You can't "unring that bell" and it's just not a risk we are willing to take.

So after all those thoughts and fears have gone through my head, we are still willing to foster. I keep reminding myself that usually the things that are hardest for us reap the best rewards....Makily is my prime example of this. The first year of her life was a living hell for her and our family. I would go through it all again to see her take those first steps that I was told she would NEVER take or to see her smiling and hear that AMAZING laugh of hers.

My sister told me about this song the other day. It really rings true in my life and I think it fits this blog entry perfectly.

Anyway

Martina McBride/Brad Warren/Brett Warren (BMI)

You can spend your whole life buildin'
Somethin' from nothin'
One storm can come and blow it all away
Build it anyway

You can chase a dream
That seems so out of reach
And you know it might not ever come your way
Dream it anyway

(Chorus)
God is great, but sometimes life ain't good
When I pray it doesn't always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway
I do it anyway

This world's gone crazy and it's hard to believe
That tomorrow will be better than today
Believe it anyway
You can love someone with all your heart
For all the right reasons
And in a moment they can choose to walk away
Love 'em anyway

(Repeat Chorus)

You can pour your soul out singin'
A song you believe in
That tomorrow they'll forget you ever sang
Sing it anyway
Yeah sing it anyway

I sing
I dream
I love anyway