And now A Moment At Big Lots....with Trish the Great.

So I picked Jakob up from school today. I had to go to Big Lots to get shipping stuff because I sold some bibs.

As we are walking throughout the store Jakob and I are talking. I understand him about 75% of the time. When I don't know what he is saying I will reply with something like "Oh reallly?" or "Oh okay I see". This used to always work but he recently has realized that my replies don't always match his questions or statements. He will say "Mommy, NO...." and then repeat whatever it is he is trying to say about 800 times. Sometimes this ends in a tantrum (him not me) and others I will distract him with something else OR I'll actually figure out what he is saying.

I often wonder what other people must think when they see me talking back, with interest to a kid that to them is just mumbling gibberish.

So I get to the register after shopping for about a half an hour. Jakob was in the back of the buggy "hiding" under the pillows I was buying. He would get under them and then say "Mommy I hide"....that's my cue to say "Where's Jakob?" to which HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER ensues. Yes he STILL loves this game...and YES he is terrible at hiding.

As the checker was ringing up my items the woman behind me said

"Ma'am you are really good with him, it's so sad these days I usually see parents out with their kids and they are so terrible and hateful to them. It's nice to see someone who loves her kid".

It took me back for a moment because seeings as all we have been through the last month it was ironic to me that someone THAT DID NOT know me was telling me that I was a good mom. I honestly got choked up.

I told the lady thank you and that Jakob was a much loved, much wanted and waited for little guy.

With that Jakob started clanging the seat part in the buggy SO obnoxiously loud AND embarrassing that I immediately wanted to snap into TYRANT momma mode but realized this would have ruined said moment.

So instead I just said "No SIR" FIRMLY.

Jakob's reply?



"MOMMY I HIDE!!"

God I love this child.

I'm a kick ass mommy too.

Finding Our New Normal.........Again.

Things have been pretty good since I got out of the nut house. We are always adjusting to our life though. A friend of mine was just saying that as special needs parents you get used to one normal and once you are finally adjusted to a new normal then BAM it changes again. Always changing....always adjusting.

With Makily's EEG last week and Allen being off we still aren't on a "regular" schedule.

Monday will be an exciting new start for our family.

Allen has been working over the road as a truck driver for 14 years, 13 of which we have been together. When Makily was born nearly eight years ago we planned on him doing something local instead of over the road. When she was born we had no choice though because there was no way we could have taken a cut in pay OR lose our insurance.

Allen found out on Friday that he is going to be driving locally, meaning only in Florida. He should work basically 5AM to 5PM Mon- Fri and be home EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT, off on weekends!

Trying to help Daddy fix the TV.


This takes a incredible amount of stress off of Allen as he has fears of what may happen at any time with Makily.........what if he is hours away? I've had to make that phone call a couple of times and believe me, it's never pretty. Then he drives like a bat out of hell all the way home and I worry not only about whatever is going on with Makily at the time but if Allen is in his right mind enough to get here safely. Very Stressful!



I have noticed positive changes in Makily since lowering her dose of Keppra and increasing her Topomax. She picked up a toy that was sitting NEXT to her and put it on her lap to play with it. Typically Makily DOES NOT pick up anything on either side of her TO PLAY with....it usually has to be in her lap. I saw her do it once and then asked her to do it again......and SHE SURE DID. That's progress. That's understanding. This kid is amazing.

Things really have improved in so many ways. I've had many people that have noticed the shift in my mood and how I handle certain things. I'm less hot headed and more patient. I find myself letting things go when before I would have probably made a big deal out of it. I ask myself "Is it really that big of a deal?" If the answer is NO I usually just move on.

I was really worried that people would be judgemental of me when I came out and announced I had been in the nut house. I'm shocked at how much support I have gotten.....that being said I have had a couple of people give me the pitiful eye and say "How are you doing?" like I am going to break out sobbing and spilling my guts at any moment.....okay so maybe they know me more than I thought! lol

My Kelly concert is THIS Thursday. Can't believe how close we are getting.

We went to the Market on the Square today. I found Makily an AWESOME tutu for her birthday party this year. It's ADORABLE. We got some candied jalapenos and some fried plantains too!

We also found this living room set. It was listed for $165 and we ended up talking them down to $130.....LOVE. A. DEAL.



For those local this was at Brother's Keeper down on the Square. They had some really great deals in there today and usually always do.

My grandmother is still having a hard time adjusting to the assisted living facility. Please keep her in your prayers. My mom and sisters are trying to do the best they can for her but she is just not very happy right now and so it's hard on everyone.

Overall I am happier than I have been in years. I have seen so much resolve in the last two weeks that I just know things can only get better. I am going to do another entry about life in the nut house soon. I know a lot of my readers are LOVING that part of my blog. I have tried to vlog but WOW it was bad. I'm gonna work on it a bit more though. I think it has to be spur of the moment rather than me trying to talk about one thing in particular.

We will see.

Home Again, Home Again, Jiggity Jig.

So we are home.

The doctor discharged us and we were out of there in less than 30 minutes.

The nurses were all phenomenal.

Everyone was really friendly.

The Neurologist says that her eye drooping does not correlate to anything abnormal going on in the brain. This is good news. I'm pretty comfortable now assuming that it's just muscle weakness but I will eventually make it over to the eye doctor with her to confirm this. Since it's only prevalent when she is sick or tired I doubt they will do anything about it.



For some reason she stopped having the abnormal brain spikes. She had them on Monday a few times and then NOT ONE on Tuesday. Since she is so sleepy he agreed we should change the medication. I'm nervous but I think it's the best choice. We are going to increase her evening dose of Topomax and slowly DECREASE the Keppra until she is weaned off of it. I'm comforted knowing that we have emergency medication AND that she is on an apnea monitor at night. If something happens we will catch it and can help her. I don't like messing with the medication at all but at this point it's been nearly A YEAR and she's just as tired today as she was back when the initially put her on it. It's just gotten worse. The doctor said by now if that side effect was going away it would have already.



He is going to see her in the office in a month and set up another EEG to make sure the spikes are gone completely and that the increase in Topomax is working.

I have to add this. Her Neurologist was so good to her. He said/sang something in Indian to her. I think it may have been a prayer, whatever it was I thought it was incredibly sweet. Then he picked an eye booger out of her eye with his bare hand and she giggled.



Made me want to hug him.

The only time she cried the entire two days was when they had to remove all the leads from her hair/head. It's left some read marks from all the glue. She cried really loud which she never does. Poor baby girl.

I'M REALLY PISSED OFF YOU GUYS.....NO REALLLLY!


I'm glad part of this mystery is over but I am nervous about the road ahead.

Whatever happens though we will just keep on going.

That's just what WE do.

Raw Thoughts and Sushi.

That is my favorite title I do think.

Every time we have been inpatient there has been at least one other family that we have connected with them. It's almost impossible to NOT connect with each other because let's face it as a special needs parent we are trying always to bring normalcy to our kids. Most people just take "normalcy" for granted. Understand that when I use the word normalcy there really is no such thing, I am talking about the VERY BASIC FUNDAMENTALS FOR LIVING SELF SUFFICIENT ONE DAY. Breathing, eating, SWALLOWING (it still stuns me to this day how difficult mere swallowing can be to an immunodeficient child). I could go on and on about this by I will get to my point.

Today I have taken at least four....maybe five breaks out of this box of a room. Every time I venture out something has made me reach out to people. Say things I wouldn't have said but only would have thought but I said them out loud because I knew it would make the other person happy. And ya now what? It's made me happier.

Please know I realize that makes me sound like Mary freaking Poppins but I assure my dear friends (angel faces as Jenna Marbles would call you)I ain't Mrs. Poppins. (I not so secretly love you Jenna!).

This picture makes me LOL FOR realz.


Don't want to be either. I'm starting to like myself again.

Tonight I went downstairs to get food and kept looking at the sushi, I've never had it. Normally I would have just gotten something familiar. Today I BOUGHT THE SUSHI. As I was going back to the elevators with my food I heard a mother saying "Come on Nicholas....now the elevator is here....". I stood holding the elevator....and holding....and holding......*she didn't ask me to but I'm still holding it lady.....and holding........ANNNNND around the corner comes a little boy barreling towards me. He trips and falls, he even bumped his head pretty hard when he fell. I waited for screaming and crying but it never came. He jumped RIGHT up and said "I'm fine" and got on the elevator with his mom quickly following behind. It was then I realized this boy had cancer (cancer kids break my heart). Initially I thought he was three or four until I heard him talking and saw his face......he was totally bald. He was likely closer to six'ish. He pushed the button for the second floor on the elevator and grinned at me.

I looked at his mom and said :

"Don't you just wanna carry him around and keep him in your pocket and snuggle him?" She grinned and said "OH YES all the time, every day but he doesn't want to be still." I said OH I know all about that I have a little boy. I told her how cute her son was and they got off on the next floor. The other woman in the elevator look on her face that I did. I smiled and said "Ya know I have been in and out of the hospital the last eight years with my daughter and each visit there is usually one kid that stands out and I always will remember....that was that kid....he just made me want to.....

With tears in her eyes she interrupted me and said:

"Carry him around keep him in your pocket and snuggle him forever?"

I looked at her now with tears in my eyes and simply said "Yeah".

The elevator door opened to my floor and as I walked out I heard the lady say

"God Bless you and good night".

Preliminary Partial 48 Hour EEG Results.

The Neurologist just left.

The Neuro examining her.....best pic I could get.


He told me that Makily is still having abnormal brain spikes concentrated in the frontal lobe of the brain (that's where your personality is ..sad face). He says that those brain spikes can spread throughout the brain and cause a seizure but at this point they have not seen any actual seizures.



He was concerned about the eye droop and stared at a photo of the drooping/turning out for quite a while. Then he examined her and stared at her eyes for a while too. She did the eye droop thing in front of him.

RIGHT Eye droop thing.


I expressed my worry about the Keppra keeping her so tired all the time. She's actually regressing and it's horrible for her and TERRIBLE for us to watch. She's always wanting to lay down now. I sit her up and she has figured out how to lay back without hurting herself. This is not normal for her to always want to be laying down. It's been since the start of the Keppra. She's always been sleepy but this is much worse.

The doctor wants to do another day of EEG (today) and then review the results again. He is also going to consult with his team to figure out something to change the Keppra to. He thinks the Topomax is ideal for her since she has done so well on it for so long. She had break through seizures last year though so that is why we added the Keppra.

I'm okay but bummed a little. I was hoping he would say all was fine but I should know better than that when it comes to my "abnormally normal for her little girl."

When I went to take her picture again.........she totally put this in front of her face. bahahahhaha


I love you Makily.

Get That Dirt Off Your Shoulder.

So yesterday blew.

It really wasn't that bad but being in the hospital totally has affected my mood. I cried a lot yesterday. Had panic attack Sunday night and I shook so bad my teeth chattered.

I really thought while it was happening "wow my teeth are chattering....that's impressive."




The nursing staff has been great. Everyone is very professional and friendly. Makily is handling it all well and is having a cartoon and toy fest.



She actually lifted her head on her own here and there for the tech that hooked all the electrodes to her head. She didn't cry for one second. I'm amazed at this child that has matured from screaming the the second they started hooking her up when she was little to seeing her actually do what SHE can to help. She's amazing. Always has been and always will be.



The hospital definitely brings back some scary memories. We are in the peds unit (we have always been in the PICU here so it's a nice change). It's adjacent to the PICU though and the elevator is right in the PICU hall. As soon as I hit that hall I was overwhelmed with memories of her heart cath, how serious it was, how scared we were.....and again how AMAZING she is. Always has been....




Yesterday we had a moment with Jakob that broke my heart. He came in the room and looked at his big sister. She was in a hospital gown (ugh makes me wish even more now I had remembered the pink girly gown I had made for the trip specifically), one of the green ones, on green sheets and with her head all wrapped up to hold the EEG electrodes in place. Jakob looked very sad and said "Mommy, Kily dead.....Kily dead?"

*long pause as I try to fight tears*

"No baby sissy is just sleeping."

Then he got up on her bed and rubbed her leg and said

"Kily night night?"

"Yes baby Kily night, night."

SOB

SOB

I didn't even KNOW that Jakob even knew what "dead" was so the entire comment really upset me. My nephew had asked the same question years ago when Makily was sleeping really hard. He too was relieved Kily was okay and gave her a kiss on her forehead in relief. She's so fair skinned and if she is sleeping hard and catching flies, 'I can see how one would think that, especially a child.



After that conversation I began to wonder if we are somehow scarring Jakob from exposing him to the medical side of all this. I wondered if he is sad that lately Mommy has been gone here and there. My friend Cheryl Paquette shared an entry on her blog written by her daughter Emily. It details her outlook and view on her brother who had a genetic condition that was similar to Makily's. Sadly her brother Bryant passed away after LIVING a full life for 20 years when his parents were told he'd likely die in infancy. Another awesome kid always was......and always will be.



I am still working on vloging. It's harder than I thought because I find myself rambling and wondering if I am just rambling or if I'm interesting or not. LOLOLOL Give me time I'm working on my stage fright okay?! That and every time Allen I watch my tutorial on bib making we both end up hysterically laughing at me. I crack me up with how dingy I can be.

So while yesterday was hard, I am determined for today to be a good day. I brought a "learn to knit kit" and I'm actually gonna try to do that. Another special needs mom of mine will be here today, her daughter is having surgery so keep her in your thoughts. We will be able to keep each other company though so that's nice. My friend Whitney is bringing me dinner tonight too so that's plenty of distraction from anything sad and believe me friends THERE IS LOTS OF SAD at the pediatric hospital. Yesterday while downstairs I saw a woman with a baby on her hip. She was pushing on IV pole and baby was hooked up to two IV pumps and a pulse ox. The reality of that situation was HEAVY. I wanted to hug them both but decided against it. lol

Later on there was a lady with a TEENY baby in his carrier. He had oxygen on his face and was just adorable. I walked by her twice and then had the overwhelming urge to say something to her. I finally did. I just told her how beautiful he was. She told me he had been a 24 week micro preemie. He was seven months and TEEENY. She said he had all sorts of gastro problems as of late and she didn't understand why. He had a g tube also. All the problems she described Makily had been through at that age so I told her what I knew. She looked at me dumbfounded and said "How is it you can give me all this information but the doctors can't?" I jokingly told her I graduated from the medical school of Google. I told her to watch the nurses, ask questions and research EVERYTHING. That's how we got through it. I gave her my number and I hope she uses it. :-)

I got a phone call yesterday that brightened my entire day. It was great chatting even though it was about rectal water, you know who you are and I do hope we can do it again....lol Love you.

So while some of yesterday was emotionally draining it had it's bright spots and I am feeling better today after a good long nice night's sleep. I took a sleeping pill last night and wow did it work like a charm, I usually can't sleep in the hospital....if I do it's fit full.

I love wearing her name.


I'm gonna get up this morning in a little bit and get that dirt off my shoulders and continue trying to be positive.
*WARNING LYRICS.*


I love the new start I have made and I am determined to keep moving forward and leaving old, sad and negative people and things behind. It's hard, it's sad sometimes but DAMN there is just too much living to be done to be so damned depressed.

I am Super Woman you know?




I will leave you all with a G tube Fail photo. Enjoy.

hehee


Love to All,

Trish

The Big Day.

Today Makily and I will head down Orlando to say the night in a hotel. In the morning we will be at Arnold Palmer Children's Hospital to start her 48 hour EEG.



I am a little anxious just about BEING in the hospital with her as it's been quite a while since we have been inpatient. Sometimes that brings on flashbacks from the past and it depresses me. This will be the true test on HOW STRONG I have become and how much my medication works.

The good thing is I have a friend Whitney that is bringing me dinner on Tuesday night and is coming to hang out. That will definitely break the boredom for me and The Princess. My other friend Kiley's daughter Briella is having surgery Tuesday morning so I am sure we will be back and forth in each other's rooms and I'm sure between the both of us we will drive the nurses batty! lol

Everyone is noticing a difference in me. I'm slower to get angry. I'm able to catch myself now and I say "is it really THAT BIG of a deal?" in my head. If the answer is NO then I just say "meh....no biggie." Allen even told me yesterday how much more laid back and cheerful I am. this makes me happy.

I went to a birthday party for a friend yesterday and I was so relaxed and had such a good time. We did karaoke and drank, and ate and had a great time. Jakob ran around like a maniac and Makily enjoyed watching TV and playing with her toys.

My next entry will be the beginning of the video blog I am going to do for this hospital stay. I'm actually kind of excited.

I kind of feel this trip is going to be pivotal for me in so many ways. I want to see what coping skills I have perfected (or not) and I really do want to know what is going on in Makily's brain and if she is having absence seizures like I think. I don't care what kind she is having.....I just want them controlled. PERIOD. They scare the hell out of me.

This is a example of an absence seizure. Makily does something similar but since she can't walk or talk and since they are so vague like you see in the video it's hard to determine.

If anyone wants to come visit call me and let me know. I'll give you a time when we aren't doing anything and you can visit my girl. I'd like to keep this to the people we know or have met personally.

This week will be pivotal for me. It will be pivotal for Makily and her seizure control and care.

I wanted to say how thankful I am for all the comments and for all my blog readers. The maxi pad post got 752 hits in ONE day. I was baffled as it was only getting about 80 hits a day before I started blogging again. I'm going to keep it up. It's helping me in ways I can't even describe. It's therapeutic.

Love to you ALL,

Trish

I love how I look so serious and Jakob is chilling in the background. lol

A TUTORIAL BY MWAH.

I've had requests to do a tutorial for Makily's bibs.

Several months back I started making bibs for Makily. Then I gave some away to ES parents and then they started ordering them.

So here's some kids modeling my bibs........













All of the above children have ES like Makily. Aren't they all SUCH precious angels.?

I had some friends asking me to do a tutorial on how I make the bibs and I decided I would do it. I'm going to VLOG our visit to APH so I figured I' do a tutorial to get my feet wet.

Here it is...how to make really absorbent bibs.

What I'm Listening To Right Now.

My music selection lately has been pretty insane. Some of it I listen to over and over. Some because it makes me feel better, some of it I enjoy listening to just to wallow in the "suck" of it all.

Some of it I relate to pieces and parts and then some of the music is just out and out rage or the entire song speaks to me. Some of it I just enjoy the beautiful soulful voices. Reminds me of my sister when she sings. I LOVE MUSIC. I really always have.

I'll post the videos below and I'm going to try to find all videos with the words. Sorry if the spacing is off. I design the layouts on my own and there is only so much I can do about certain sizing settings.


Favorite part of this one is "Imma' be what I set out to be, undoubtedly and all those who look down on me I'm tearin down your balcony."


"I'm alive again, more alive than I have ever been in my whole entire life, I can see these people's ears perk up as I begin."


Her voice is JUST amazing.


"Do you ever feel so paper thin, just like a house of cards, one blow from caving in."


"I can tell, I can tell how much you hate this.....and deep down inside you know it's killing me."


"I tried so hard and got so far, but in the end it doesn't even matter..."


"I need a little room to breathe cause I'm one step closer to the edge and I'm about to break."


"Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood, miss "no way it's all good", no it didn't slow me down, mistaken, always second guessing underestimated look i'm still around."


"Staring at the blank page before you, open up the dirty window, let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find, reaching, for something in the distance, so close you can almost taste it release your inhibitions feel the rain on your skin."


"Look into my eyes and I own you...." I <3 Adam Levine so you get the real video on this one so all you ladies can drool along with me. lol



"Theres a count down waiting for me to erupt. Time to blow out." I love Britney and her spiked boots! She's go-just and a card carrying member of the crazy society like me.



That's all for now folks. Please enjoy my varied music choices.

Pot Luck.

Okay I'm just going to ramble on in no orderly fashion to update what is going on RIGHT now with our family.


Makily is going for a 48 hour EEG in Orlando at Arnold Palmer's on Jan. 23rd. I think Allen is going to try to take off work so we have someone to take care of Jakob while the other of us is in with Makily. Allen offered to be the one in the hospital with her but I just don't think I can do it. I've been to EVERYTHING she's ever had and so I can't NOT go. Since the seizures started back up and the new med was added she's sleepier than usual (and the school has even went so far as to say they see a regression) and I want the meds adjusted or changed to help with that. Her EEG's have been abnormal for over a year now. She has no stamina. Her strength is the worst it's been in a while. She was sick for 11 days straight and she looked so crappy I could barely look at her without crying.

Jakob is doing well but still very behind speech wise. He's trying his best though and so we are very proud of him. Recently he has actually sat and snuggled with me or Daddy for 15 minutes at a time. THIS IS HUGE because that was something just six months ago he COULD NOT and WOULD not have been about to do. He's still a handful and a half though and keeps us all on our toes.

Allen is awesome as always. He makes me laugh and knows how to cheer me up. He's been really supportive the last month or so that I have been struggling. I'm honestly not sure how I got so lucky with him. He bought Makily flowers last night. Made me BAWL. She loved them. I couldn't be more grateful.

I'm doing alright.

Lie.

I'm a wreck. Facing another hospitalization with her just puts me back in that "anything can happen to her at any moment" mode. It stinks. Today she had what Allen believes was a seizure. Her right eye turned COMPLETELY OUT while her left stayed "normal", she was very still and Allen said he just sat there holding her hand telling her it's okay. It lasted maybe 30 seconds. Then she acted totally normal so I don't know what to think. I just hate dealing with ANYTHING to do with her brain. It scares the hell out of me. I still hate being responsible for giving her a medication that effects her BRAIN FUNCTION. Makes me so nervous and always has. There have been a couple of times I've drawn all her meds up and then started to question if I drew up the seizure med or her robinul twice (those two are clear and she gets the same amount of each). When that happens I just dump them both and start over. It's a lot of pressure that I don't usually let myself focus on. I'm sad she is getting bigger, older and heavier. It's getting so hard to lift her in certain situations. I hate it so much, it makes me want to cry.

I was on our local radio station recently. I am helping to coordinate the Chromosome 22 Central Conference. Robin and Larry let me come on and talk about Makily, ES and other Chromosome 22 disorders. It was really an awesome experience. I was pretty nervous as I had never done that before and was afraid I would get emotional and not be able to get myself back together. I did much better than I thought I would. I had a rough morning before I had to go on so I mentally was struggling but went anyway and was proud that I did. They had it up live on their podcast so there is video of it!



I am going to get over to the hotel we are looking at this week to try and get a contract written and final details for that. Believe me I will update the closer we get and once we have more things set in stone.

I'm still looking for a new shrink. I called some this week and got lots of voice mails. One did want to help me but she said the doctor I was calling about wouldn't be that good of a match for me but that someone else in the office would. She would have to see if that doctor was covered by my insurance. That was two days ago and I haven't heard back. sigh.

I bought the dog a dress this week and she still has it on. I was shocked she liked it and didn't try to rip it off.

Yesterday I went to check my blog and was shocked to find blogger had deleted it. Or so I thought. It said something like this blog no longer exists. I have been blogging here since 2005 and so I was in a total panic to figure out what happened. The thought of not being able to retrieve it was horrible. After trying to sign into my gmail which is how I sign into my blogger it told me that there had be fraudulent/suspicious activity on my account. It made me change my password and THANKFULLY my blog was BACK. So lesson learned here is that I MUST keep blogging regularly. I think this will be a wonderful keepsake for my kids. They will get to know me in a way they never would in having this. I plan on printing out all my entries and making a book for them one day. I went through some old things on my blog the other day THAT I didn't even remember, so I'm glad I have it all here.

I'm back....or at least I'm working my way back.

Goodbye 2011.

So it's 2012.

woo hoo.

I had this longer blog written and I just said screw it I'm just gonna candidly speak.

Bear with me.

Last year blew.

Makily started having seizures again, my grandmother went into a nursing home, I had some personal family issues and I had/HAVE some personal and emotional mental issues.

I've done a lot of soul searching this year. That sounds so cheesy but it really is the truth. I think I'm still more confused than certain of anything.

My faith is almost non existent these days. I can't even pray anymore. When I try I just feel like a fool. Imagine how mind boggling this is for a southern girl who was born and raised in a Baptist and then Pentecostal (yes I know polar opposites, I told you my family is odd) church and baptized at the age of five at her request. Yeah. Talk about opening boxes you had once taped up tightly and stored in the back of your head refusing to ever open......NOT. GOOD.

So with all this soul searching you would think I would have some kind of enlightenment. Some sort of "A HA!" moment that I could blog about and sound like I have it all together...right?

Unfortunately there has still been no enlightenment.

I FAR from have it all together.....TRUST ME.

In fact I am pretty sure at THIS moment in time I know less NOW than I ever have and that my friends is the truth.

"The only thing I am sure of.......is that I'm not sure of ANYTHING."

I should tattoo that on the back of my hand. Seriously no other words could more accurately describe the sense of confusion in my head.

I'm trying to find a good shrink to help straighten me out. I saw one right before Christmas and I left there thinking I WAS ACTUALLY normal and SHE was crazy. That is definitely a blog entry of it's own though.

I'm hoping this year will bring me some clarity and peace. I am so full of anxiety I wish I could get away from myself sometimes. I actually had three full out panic attacks this year. I've had them before but not like this. I felt each coming on and typically I can control it and think of something else, do something else and have always avoided it turning into a big deal.

I have lost the ability to control it anymore.

The first one was the day Makily's teacher called and literally JUST said "Trish, COME QUICK!!" and nothing else. My friend Trish witnessed THAT panic attack and let's just say it was UGLY. I screamed and cried and was a total lunatic. I was hyperventilating and saying over and over "WHAT IF SHE IS DYING.....WHAT IF SHE IS NOT BREATHING...IT MUST BE A SEIZURE SHE'S GOING TO DIE OMG SHE'S GONNA DIE I'M NOT READY...." all the way there....... The school called during the HORRIFIC car ride there to say Makily was at least breathing.........I made Trish say over and over to me "She is breathing, she is breathing, she is breathing....." Bless her heart she repeated it like a mantra and I will never forget that. It was the only thing that kept me IN the car at the stop lights or when we were delayed by a train (yes seriously...my luck) and then a STUPID cop who was pulling someone over.....I really almost got out that time. Thankfully Trish talked me down. Thank you for that....as I type this please know my chin is quivering and I have tears streaming down my face. I love you girl.



The second panic attack was later in the year and I felt it coming. My entire head and neck got REALLY hot, I could feel myself breathing faster and right as I was on the edge of full panic attack and sanity I remember thinking in my head that I didnt have the strength anymore to fight it off and it just overtook my whole body. I sat hyperventilating, crying, my head in my hands, shaking and feeling nauseous......feeling pieces of my sanity slowly leave me. It was bizarre and scary and I finally just collapsed into a heap on the bed and I could actually feel when the attack was slowly subsiding and when I was actually starting to be able to control myself again. I won't describe what brought this on, it's too personal and sometimes I share too much here anyway.

I have heard people claim they have panic attacks too. When I asked them what it felt like they said they just felt fidgety.

SERIOUSLY?

Maybe I'm crazy....(lol) but when I feel fidgety that's what I call it.......fidgety. I don't dramatize it for attention by calling it A PANIC ATTACK. Grow up. Realize that dramatizing your fidgetiness (yes I just made that word up) by calling it a panic attack IS VERY ANNOYING to those that actually suffer from them. You suck.... a lot.

END RANT ABOUT THAT.

So my goal for 2012 is to get myself to a place mentally where I am not on the verge of a panic attack all the time. I want to get my house back in order, get my mind as "clear" as it can possibly be. It's been a while since I felt mental clarity. I bet it feels nice. I want that. I don't even totally remember what it feels like.

I have all these people tell me how strong I am, what a great person I am, I'm inspiring...yada yada yada. The fact of the matter is I don't feel any of those things about myself. These people don't witness the "say she's breathing" moments. They don't see me on my kids bedroom floor sobbing after she's fallen asleep. They don't know EVERYTHING about me. Only what I reveal here. I realize I am imperfect. Sometimes I feel like I am MORE imperfect than everyone else.

They don't know some of the EPIC mistakes I have made. I've made some decisions others wouldn't have but honestly I wouldn't go back and change it now. I have experienced things I wouldn't have otherwise and I cherish those experiences and lessons I learned. I am grateful for those that came into my life this year whether it be for just a season or for the rest of my life.

I've learned a lot about myself...but I still feel like I don't know anything.

Painful or not it was worth it.



One more thing this year has taught me is to LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY AND WITHOUT RESERVATIONS. The rewards of this are great.