Okay God, your listening...I get it.

***WARNING THIS BLOG OOOOOZES OF SAPPINESS, READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!***


So my last blog was a bit depressing, the day after I had ANOTHER moment...but this is a happy one.

One thing I have mourned (I promise this gets happy) since Makily was diagnosed was the fact that she will not be the little ballerina I had dreamed of. I had planned that at age two, she would start ballet...that never happened for obvious reasons. I was a dancer in middle and high school. I even danced on the square in Ocala the year Allen and I got married with a Hip Hop dance group I was in with some friends (yes this is the same group that I had my most embarasing moment with). So I just assumed my dancing genes would be passed on to Makily.
I have been a member of a fertility/chat board for YEARS. The ladies there have walked me through TTC, fertility testing, pregnancy, labor, having Makily and everything that happened since then. They have cried with me, cheered with me and laughed with me through it all. So months ago I posted there about how I was in the store looking at bibs for Makily. I saw one with a pair of ballet slippers embroidered on it and it said "twinkle toes". I stared at it for a while, got teary eyed and left the store. I couldnt bring myself to buy it. The ladies from the board all sympathized and of course had such encouraging things to say. They all urged me to dance with Makily in the living room, that she would love it and that maybe one day I would see her dancing around......I have danced with her before and she never seemed to care one way or the other.

Well the morning after I posted my last blog she was in her jumperoo, I had an 80's cd playing and she was in a particularly good mood, bouncing and giggly. I took her out and sat on the couch with her on my lap making funny faces and moving her arms and legs to the music while singing. She thought this was OH SO FUN. What made it even funnier that neither her nor I had our baths that morning yet so her hair looked like a bomb went off in it...so did mine! The next song that happened to come on was "Time after time" by Cindy Lauper. I LOVED her as a kid and even dressed up as her for Halloween two years in a row (stop laughing). Anyway I got up and started slow dancing with Makily. She snuggled, laughed and gigged the whole time. She smiled the biggest grins I think I have ever seen and I just kept singing and slow dancing with her, with tears streaming down my face.

So what is God trying to tell me this time!?

YES there are things that I mourn and that Makily and I will miss out on, there are ALSO moments that I have with her when all the world disappears and it's just me and my baby, dancing in the living room. Would I have cherished that moment with Makily like I did had she not been "special"? No, at least not like I savored every snuggle and laugh that morning. I waited so long for her to enjoy dancing with me she finally did and it was wonderful.

Because I am incredibly vain (least I am honest about it) these are the only pictures I am posting from our "dance". I literally had just rolled out of the bed so I was looking scary....Makily's hair looked much like "The Frightened Family".

enjoy!

Thinking and overthinking...

Well we are home, Makily's heart cath went so well. She recovered so quickly, it was amazing. When the doctor came out and told us about the multiple holes in her atrium, my heart really dropped. When he said "Makily really needed these closed, her lungs were being flooded with blood" it made me feel so sad. I wonder what it must have felt like before the closure for her. He said most likely we will see a big change in how often Makily gets respiratory infections and pneumonia now. She does seem happier than ever so I can already see a difference. She MUST feel alot better.

I have a "book" of paperwork to fill out again for our foster licensing. We had put it on hold until after Makily's cath and since she is okay we are getting back to it. Allen and I both still have not had our physicals yet, that needs to get done soon.

I had a moment the other day. Alot of the P2P mom's I am friends with will know the kind of moment I am talking about. It was another grieving moment for time, experiences and dreams Makily and I did not get to have.

I was rocking the little girl I babysit for to sleep for her nap. It was peaceful in the room and I started thinking. I thought about how before I had Makily I dreamed of sitting in her room rocking her to sleep during that "infant stage" where they are so clingy and eat all the time. We never had that time. The first year of her life we spent doing so many different things trying to get her to sleep. She didnt want to be rocked or held or bothered, she was far from clingy. If I am being honest Allen and I half jokingly called her the "demon spawn". She was miserable for medical reasons. Some known, some not at the time. She would cry for hours on end and NOTHING we did would soothe her. We spent our days and nights going through every imaginable thing to soothe a fussy baby...when we did everything we could think of...we would start over and do it all again. It was hours of endless crying, if she was awake..she was crying. I remember times that I would have to put her in her swing and go into another room and scream into a pillow. I would pray for her to just go to sleep and stop crying. It was mind numbing.

I was so sad that first year, it's all a haze and I hate that there is such a lengthy period in my life that I was SO depressed and that we just did what we had to in order to survive. We slept in the living room for a long time, it was the only place Makily would sleep. I wish her and I would have had that bonding period right away. There are times now when I hold her and I get that feeling in my chest of pure and total awe and adoration for this child. I just wish that I would have had those feelings and that bond from the beginning with her. There is a guilt for that, that I will carry with me forever. I can't change the way things were. It is times like this that I wish I had known before she was born. Then maybe I would have had time to grieve what was never going to be. Maybe my heart would have healed up enough that I could have gotten past my own sadness and been able to focus on dealing with her. It just want the way it was meant to be though. God had a plan and it went according to what he wanted to happen.

Funny stuff...

Been a rough week so I am going to post about some funny stuff in my life....to lighten not only your mood BUT MINE TOO! :-)

My nephew Micah (4) is INSANE and he comes up with some crazy stuff. Recently I was at his house and Makily was asleep on the couch. He went up to her, looked TERRIBLY concerned and said "Princess Makily is not alive anymore". Being her mother this gave me the willies and I explained that she was okay but was just sleeping. He insisted that she was "not alive". An hour later she awoke and was watching cartoons VERY excitedly..kicking and laughing. He came up to me then and said "PRINCESS MAKILY...(making sure to spit while emphasizing the "puh" in princess) is out of control AUNTIE TRISH". So Makily went from DEAD to out of control in an hours time. AMAZING EH?!

My God daughter Cameron is the same age as Makily (3). She too comes up with quite a few strange comments. Some embarrasing.
We were recently in the parking lot at the move theatre. We were chatting before we all left to go home for the night. A Mexican man walked by wearing a red bandana tied on his head. Cameron exclaimed (and Cameron by the way is known to be tone deaf much like me...she has no idea that when she is speaking sometimes she is yelling LOL) "LOOK DADDY, THAT MAN IS WEARING A PIRATE HAT!!" I wanted to crawl under the car while hysterically laughing but I held it in. The more Cameron realized we were tickled by her statement the more she screamed it, which made us laugh more and well you get the picture.

Cameron came up to me Friday and while gently petting Makily's head said "Auntie Trish, Makily is so special, Makily is so beautiful". I shook my head and told her "yes she sure is" while choking back tears. Oh to be as innocent as a child....

My mother fell in the middle of a parking lot two weeks ago. I know you are thinking "ugh isnt this supposed to be a funny entry?" It is really.

I have mentioned in the past that the women in our family have a curse...NONE OF US CAN WALK without occasionally (okay once a monthish) throwing ourselves onto the ground. We are terribly clutzy and for some reason when one of us takes a spill usually the rest of us do the same...within weeks of each other. It's kind of eerie.

Anyway, so my mom had to pee....BAD (sorry mom) and she was RUSHING into the closest McDonald's to pee. She is walking briskly when BAM! She felt her feet fly right out from under her and she was on the ground. She just laid there at first thinking "well here I have done it again". A nice man came out and said "oh, oh dear Lord....ma'am you've lost your shoe....". YOU'VE LOST YOUR SHOE?!?! Here is my poor mother laying on the ground and this guy is worried about her shoe....THIS MAKES ME LAUGH! Anyway he offered help and of course my hard headed mother said she was fine...she got up and went to pee. I am surprised the fall didnt make her pee on herself! LOLOLOL
I told my mom I was going to get her a walker with pink tennis balls on the legs to keep her from falling. I quickly changed my mind when I realized she probably would just end up tangling herself up in the walker and injuring herself even more. Maybe football pads and a helmet would work?!?
My sister Deborah fell last night. I havent gotten all the details of her fall yet but I do know it involves the Starbucks parking lot and a much wanted Rasberry latte that ended up on the pavement!