The Climb.

My friend Chontee told me about this song not too long ago.


I've mentioned her on my blog a few times.


It's strange how we met....

I had taken Makily in to have a chest x-ray done. The radiology lady was helping me position Makily and she had lots of questions. She was asking more than they usually do and I was starting to get annoyed. Then it clicked in my head that this woman may have reasons for asking and I need to get over myself. I explained all about Makily to her and she seemed genuinely interested so I kind of felt like a jerk for initially getting annoyed.


ANYWAY.


Once the x-ray was over, she took me to the side and told me her daughter had a little girl that was two. Her name was Brianna and she had "something". She was not walking or talking yet and had some other health problems. The doctors couldn't seem to figure out what was going on with her, although they knew at birth something was wrong. She had lots of tests and no answers. (I must add that after her mom told me all this I felt like an even BIGGER jerk for being annoyed at all, this was a HUGE lesson learned, believe me I am much better about talking about Makily to strangers that ask now)




Her mom also told me that her daughter was 21, and also had a one year old. I remember thinking "wow I was crazy with Makily and she was my only kid and I was 26...I can't imagine having two kids that young, one with problems".

I told her mom about my blog and gave her my email and I think my phone number. I have done this before in the past. We get stopped a lot especially if we are at a specialists office and sometimes just randomly out of no where (if people see the tube) so I didn't really expect to hear from anyone.

Well Chontee read my blog, emailed me and we became fast friends. She told me all about Brianna. I laughed at how she, much like me has nearly earned her medical degree using the University of Google. She told me she had diagnosed Bri with just about everything under the sun.......and I totally understood that.

Makily and Bri at the Christmas Parade.

We only went six days not knowing what exactly was wrong with Makily.

That was a torturous six days.

Granted once they told me I found myself wishing they would "un-tell" me.

Still not knowing is HARD.

REALLY HARD.

I wanted to know what was wrong with Makily but I was terrified at the same time. I had less than a week's wait though. I think after several months I may have lost my mind though.

So Bri is still undiagnosed........and she is three years old.

Chontee is still researching everything she possibly can to try and figure it out and seeing many specialists for their help. She and her husband much like Allen and I have to make decisions.....decisions where both choices suck.

Sometimes when I talk to Chontee I can hear myself in her.

I hear the pain in her voice, I can feel it deep in places I don't like to go. The pain of knowing you will not see your child dance in a tutu, go to prom, graduate, get married, have babies. The simple things that most parents take for granted..those are the things that hurt the most.

You hurt for you, but the hurt you feel for your child is....well....it's indescribable.

It's a horrible helplessness.

You can't fix it, it's there, glaring at you every day. No matter how much you try to push it to the back of your mind, your heart is aching with it even when you are wearing a smile on your face. When you are showing the world all is okay.....deep down there is always this open wound that will never heal and will never go away.

You always will wonder "what might have been".

I remember last year at Cameron's dance recital Makily was LOVING IT. She kicked and laughed and had a big time. It warmed my heart but tore me up at the same time. I remember looking at Trishtwo and saying "she would have really loved doing that huh"?

While the scenario's will change over time as Makily gets older, I will always wonder what she might have been had it not been for the faulty gene she has.

My point to this entire depressing post is that in some ways I have come A LONG way emotionally since Makily was born. In other ways, I am still an open wound. One hard knock and I start bleeding all over the place again. I guess the difference in me now and then is that it takes much more to break me back open.

My skin is thicker and I have gotten tougher.

It took me five years to get here.

This has been one bitch of a mountain to climb. What's worse is that, I'm not even a quarter of the way up this mountain. "The Climb" has made me who I am though, it will continue to. I don't know what the top of this mountain will look like, I really don't think it matters anymore.

Makily has taught me that I need to take EVERYTHING day by day, step by step, battle by battle.

J has taught me that sometimes I just need to take my hands off things and let God do it. I can't control everything, I've never been able to and when I finally get that through my thick skull maybe I won't have to climb so damn hard all the time.

*Chontee, I've told you that this will always hurt, but it will get easier. You are an amazing mother to Brianna. God gave her to you because he knew you would give your life and do everything to make her life the best it can be. I pray that one day you will be able to see her do all the things you dream for her. If that day never comes though, I know you will have learned more from her than you ever imagined you could. *

Thank you for being my friend, quirks and all.

**Forgive my spacing on this, the html codes got all garbled halfway down and I am too lazy to go through and fix them all. I know I suck.