I Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest.

Many of my Facebook friends had been wondering where I went. I had several comments and messages today when I got home.

I debated on if I should share this part of my life with everyone. I went back and forth about it. One thing I learned in the last week though was that I have to AND WILL stop worrying about what everyone else thinks. Ultimately the ONLY person I should be worried about is Allen and what HE thinks.

Everyone else can pound sand if they don't like me or something I do or have done...or will do.

Also I know that someone may happen upon this entry that is feeling how I was feeling and hopefully it will encourage them to get help.

Sunday my anxiety got to a point that I couldn't stop seeing visions of slitting my wrists and blowing my head off. The latter was so vivid that I would see myself put the gun to my head, pull the trigger and watch as my head jerked backwards from the bullet.

I woke up that morning with anxiety so bad that my chest PHYSICALLY hurt. It's been that way for a while but typically something needed to trigger it. Sunday morning I literally opened my eyes from sleeping and my chest was so heavy I immediately wanted to cry. The visions were worse and wouldn't go away.

At this point I told Allen I needed help.

He called The Vines and they said they only had ONE bed open and it was a Baker Act bed.

sigh.

The only other place in our area is known to be horrible and I refused to go there.

At this point I started screaming and crying that I wasn't going AT ALL. I didn't understand why it had to be so difficult and embarrassing. Why did we have to involve the police? I was so ashamed.

Eventually I agreed we would go to The Vines and Allen would go to the desk and just tell them his wife was in the car and was suicidal.

This was honestly one of the saddest and lowest moments of my life.

The secretary told Allen we would have to call the police and have me Baker Acted to get me in the door.

I personally think this is ridiculous but we had no other options so Allen called the police.

My sister Elizabeth sat with me while Allen made the call. I was on the verge of a panic attack the entire time. I was just beside myself.

The cop came and luckily he was really nice and made it as painless as he possibly could for me.

I was admitted about an hour later.

I was there for six days. I could have left on Tuesday as my 72 hour hold was up but decided to stay until the doctors though I was ready to go home.

I have story upon stories to share about my experience but those will be separate blog entries. Some of them are incredibly heart wrenching while others will leave you laughing hysterically.

For now I will say that I feel better than I have mentally IN YEARS. I had two wonderful therapists that were amazing with me. My Effexor dosage was increased and they added Abilify which seems to have worked wonders.

To those who called and Allen avoided you please understand that we had not discussed if we were going to tell anyone what was going on. In fact I was so embarrassed on Sunday he knew not to say a word. He was at a loss at what to say.