First Day of School...First Day of School...and other stuff.

So Makily went back to school today.




First day of her second year of Pre-K.



I am so proud of her and still have a hard time believing she is FOUR!

Where has the time gone?

Things went pretty smoothly for the first day I think. We picked her up at 1:00 for therapy and she seemed happy. However she was NOT very happy during therapy today though. She cooperated but screamed the whole time, she has NOT done that in a while. I assume the combination of starting school again and therapy right after was a bit much. I am pushing her hard now though, she is growing and doing well medically and SHE NEEDS that push. I'll be honest though, there was a HUGE piece of me that wanted to just pick her up since she wouldn't stop crying. I hate therapy too, it's a necessary evil though. I am looking into Hippotherapy here. They gave me the brochure today so I am going to call and see when/if we can get Makily in. Someone told me the child had to be three and then another person said five. I'll find out soon enough though.

We FINALLY installed her new car seat. CLICK ME FOR DESCRIPTION OF CARSEAT

When we picked her up from school and put her in it, SHE SMILED so big. I was glad she liked it. It looks super comfy. I was surprised to see how tiny she looked in it. She has TONS of room to grow in this thing!


*note, I know it looks crooked in the picture but I promise it's not crooked in the car!*

We got a call from the school board that there is no school tomorrow OR Wednesday. Tropical Storm "Faye" has been upgraded to a Hurricane and so we are "hunkering down". It's funny because they were all worried about it on the radio and I guess I have lived here too long to get up in arms about it. We haven't had anything REALLY terrible hit here (meaning our local area) since 2004. We're so inland.

Watch just because I said that, we'll be without power for a week.

*sigh*

I feel bad for my nephew Micah. Tomorrow was going to be his first day in Kindy and it was cancelled.

WHAT LUCK?

Makily has a four year well check tomorrow so I will update on that when we get home tomorrow assuming we still have power (great, see now I am started to get paranoid).

Enjoy the pics from today!

Baby Brother is F-U-N-N-Y!


I'm a big girl!


TIME TO PLAY!


School shopping, once again the kid shopped til she dropped
(BTW does she look like EIGHT years old here or what!?)


My Sweeties


Oh and just for fun, I had to include this next one. I was "wogging" through my neighborhood and had to take a pic of this.

It cracked me UP!

As you can see the house has a "for sale" sign in the yard. I guess one of the selling points is that if you buy the house you get a free toilet for the yard.

It even had the little round air freshener still attached to the back!

I guess sometimes when ya gotta go...ya gotta go!

I consider myself an understanding person.......

....really I do.

I pride myself in trying to look at all angles of a situation before making a judgement. Makily taught me that. Typically I don't say "I would never" anymore. I learned VERY quickly after Makily was born that you truly DO NOT know how you are going to react until you are thrown into a situation blindly and without warning. Fostering J has also taught me a lot about life and people. I may not agree with the actions of J's parents that landed them in the situation they are in, I try not to judge them. I don't know what kind of upbringing or life they themselves have had.

ALL THAT BEING SAID..........

This is one thing I DO NOT understand no matter how hard I try to wrap my mind around it.

For those that do not know the story....here's the gist of it.

Baby girl "Danieal" was born premature. Her parents separated soon after her birth. She was diagnosed with CP when she was very young. Originally her mother had custody of her and was the primary caretaker. I know there were several other children in the home, mom has a total of NINE kids. When the little girl was about 3 or 4 the grandmother (mom to the MOM) called the father and told him that she feared for Danieal as she was not being cared for correctly and basically begged him to take her away from her daughter.

He did.

The father had a girlfriend who was a wonderful caregiver for her. The child flourished in the home. The girlfriend made sure she was well dressed, fed, happy and that she went to school. A few years later the Dad and girlfriend split. Things went downhill fast.

When Danieal was 11 the father asked the mother to please move in to help him care for her. She moved in along with her other nine children.....soon after Danieal's father moved out. Abandoning her with a mother he knew would not and had not cared for her properly in the past.

14 year old Danieal died in her mother's home on August 4, 2006. She was basically starved to death. When the paramedics arrived they found her laying on a putrid mattress in her own urine and feces. She had bed sores ALL over her back and her behind. The sores went clear down to the bone. At autopsy she weighed 42 lbs. Her arms and legs were skin and bones. In the report it states that one of the other children in the home told their mother that she needed to call 911 because something was really wrong with Danieal and she told them "she's fine, leave her alone". I also read that the only thing she could say in her last days was "water".

Yesterday I read the "Grand Jury Report" on her case. As I read I felt myself getting angrier and angrier when I realize how many people really failed this child. DHS had been involved for years. Several social workers were assigned to check up on her and make sure she was taken to the doctor, well fed and enrolled in school. From what I have read NONE of these basic needs were met since Danieal was 11 years old. So she laid in that bed slowly dying for THREE YEARS. It also states in the report that her mother was embarrassed to be seen in public with her and also did not want to touch her daughter, so anything that required touching the child did not get done. That explains why she was not bathed, changed or fed. Breaks my heart.

There is evidence that ALL of the social workers involved in this case falsified reports after her death. They filled out "visitation and progress reports" and pre dated them to make it look like they had been keeping on eye on her when in fact they had done NOTHING. Many if not ALL of the social workers involved in neglecting this child ARE STILL EMPLOYED BY DHS.

That's right YOU AS A TAX PAYER ARE PAYING THESE PEOPLE TO LET DISABLED CHILDREN ROT IN THEIR OWN BEDS.

I am disgusted and appalled.

There are several photos of Danieal in the grand jury's report. Most of them while she was happy in the care of her father's now ex-girlfriend. Then there is a photo of Danieal at autopsy. I almost did not look at it as I knew it would likely upset me. I did anyway and instead of upsetting me I got INCREDIBLY ANGRY! How ANYONE could EVER suggest that they had "just seen the child a week before and she was fine" is a COMPLETE AND TOTAL LIAR. Her back looks like raw meat. The bed sores are HORRENDOUS. I take that back, you can't even really make out one bed sore from the other BECAUSE HER ENTIRE BACK and her BEHIND IS ONE HUGE BED SORE. I can't imagine the pain she must have suffered. Urinating must have stung like fire and I can't even imagine what it must have been like for her to have a bowel movement.

Here is a link to the grand jury report:

GRAND JURY REPORT, WARNING AUTOPSY PHOTO IN REPORT!

What's even more sickening is now the child's mother is suing DHS for HER NEGLECT OF HER OWN CHILD! (click here to read article) That takes a lot of guts if you ask me. It even states that her parents have been deprived of the "love and companionship" of their daughter.

Daniel was denied of THE LOVE AND COMPANIONSHIP OF HER MOTHER AND FATHER ALL OF HER LIFE!!! She was denied of the most basic needs to survive so excuse me if I don't feel ANY sympathy for her murdering parents.

I understand the responsibilities and the pressure it is to care for a child that is disabled. I understand being tired, wanting to give up, wondering if things will ever get better. I realize that these parents did not sign up to have a disabled child and that this was thrown at them.

Been there, done that.

All that being said I DO NOT understand why they did not :

1. Give her up for adoption so someone else could take on the responsibility. I realize that there is tremendous guilt that goes along with giving your child up BUT on the other hand I can't imagine that the guilt of letting your child lay in bed with maggot filled bed sores is easier to deal with. This of course makes me wonder how guilty the mother truly felt, and if she was just keeping Danieal in her home for the SSI check (which by the way it's in the report that AS SOON as Danieal was living with her she made sure to get the check transferred into her name). I hate to say it but to me it looks like this was fueled by money.

2. WHY ON EARTH DIDN'T DHS TAKE HER AWAY FROM HER PARENTS!? They had several calls of neglect from neighbors who TOLD THEM the conditions Danieal was living in. While I realize this would have been more costly and more of a hassle for DHS (it would have been difficult probably to find a foster home with the right training to care for her) Danieal likely would have had a good life and be alive today.

Picture of Danieal's Mother:

Andrea Kelly


Picture of Daniele's Father:

Daniel Kelly:



Rest in Peace Danieal. I am sure you are in Heaven now with a huge crown on your head adorned with beautiful jewels. You deserve every single one of them. NO more pain or suffering. You can run free and fly high. No one can hurt you anymore.

Picture of a now Angel (taken while in care of her father's ex girlfriend):

Danieal Kelly

Strange/Awkward Comments Of The Day.

I think I might start doing this once a week. I usually get awkward or weird comments at least once a week, usually more. Just depends on how much we are out and about I guess. Yesterday I got quite a few. Here are my top three though.

Scenario 1:

(While walking past a crazy lady and her teen age kids sitting on a bench. Makily and baby J were both in the double stroller)

Crazy Lady: Aww look it's twins!

Her Kids: I don't think they are twins mom

**I am acting like I am oblivious**

Crazy Lady: Oh yes they are look at them.....if they aren't twins they might as well have been!
I smiled awkwardly and just kept walking by.

I will admit EVERYONE that does not know that J is not mine biologically just assumes that he is mine. I get the "aww he has your eyes/smile...." A LOT. That being said I do NOT think that Makily and J look like twins at all. Makily is 33 lbs and FOUR YEARS OLD. J is a whopping 18 lbs and not quite eight months!


Scenario 2:

(While shopping in my "regular" consignment shop. Again both kids are in the double stroller)

Nice Lady: Oh your kids are beautiful! How old are they?

Me: She is four and he is almost eight months.

Nice Lady: Oh yes that is a great gap between the two kids, ya know one is out of diapers and can do a lot for themselves that way you don't have two at once you are trying to do everything for, your smart.

Me: Uhm, (awkwardly smiling) yeah, I think it's a good gap too.


I get this type of thing ALL the time. People assuming Makily is "normal" and then making comments like that. Part of me feels like I am lying when I don't correct them and say "ugh no my four year old is still in diapers and the baby can do some things she can't". I usually always just smile and nod though.

Scenario 3:

While shopping with Allen in the store for Makily.

Me: Allen, do you think Makily would wear this robe swim cover up thingie or do you think it would just annoy her? (remember Makily has all kinds of sensory problems)

Allen: Hmmmmm....I don't know, let me look at it.

Mom shopping next to me: How old is she?

Me: Uhm she's four.

Mom shopping next to me: Oh honey she will love it, my four year old thinks she is grown up and asks for hers when she gets out of the pool. You should get it. She'll love it.

Me: Oh thank you so much, I think I'll buy it.

So it's just yet another time I feel almost like I am lying because I don't say "well my kid doesn't think like a typical four year old she has xyz issues". I don't really think people want to hear that in the middle of the store though so I am just friendly back but it makes me feel awkward. Maybe over time I will get over that.

My baby is special and SMART.

Makily goes back to pre-k next week.

I had been told two weeks ago that they were changing the pre-k schedule.

Last year Makily went Mon-Fri 7:45-2:05. She got PT twice a week, OT twice a week and Speech twice a week.

This year I was told that they were splitting the day. The new kids coming into pre-k would be there in the morning from 7:45-11:00 and the returning kids would be there 11:00-2:05.

There have been budget cuts here in Florida and I knew things were getting cut. I am disgusted that one of the things they decided to cut was the developmental pre-k program.

The schools get MUCH more money per student if they have special needs.

So while they are getting more money for the special kids, their program is the first that is cut.

How is that fair?

I also feel for the parents that work. I am sure they all depended on their kids being in school from 7:45-2:05. It's RIDICULOUS to give these parents two weeks notice that their child will ONLY get half a day now. I am sure they are all scrambling trying to find transportation, babysitters or daycare. I can imagine this will be financially straining on parents that ALREADY have a financial strain due to their child's special needs.

Why is it that these kids and families are ALWAYS dumped on?

I was frustrated for Makily also. She has SIX sessions of therapy a week at school. They are each 30-60 minutes. If she is only at school for three hours, she will be gone in therapy more than she is in the class learning socialization and other educational things.

I spoke with her teacher on Monday. I had not received a letter explaining what Makily's schedule would be (it was all preliminary when I first heard about it). Makily's teacher told me I did not get a letter because Makily will be attending a full day. She said she told "them" the same thing I said. That Makily has too many therapies for her to only be coming for three hours a day.

Somehow "they" agreed and are letting her go the full day.

I am thrilled for her. At this point Makily is the only child at her school in the pre-k program that is being allowed to do this! :-)

She's special in SO many ways!

She has REALLY been impressing me in speech the last several weeks. I can't get over how smart she is.

We are using a picture board system with her (otherwise known as PECS Picture Exchange Communication System). They worked on it in school last year and Elon and I have been really pushing it in therapy now.

We have a board for pictures of her toys. We have a board for "all done" and "more".

Yesterday there were two pictures of two different toys. One picture was of some blocks (which Makily would NEVER pick, she hates blocks), the other was of a light up, singing toy with animals. She immediately starting patting the picture of the light up toy. We would play with it for a while and then take it away. Then Elon would show her the board with the choices "all done" (with the words and a person signing it in the picture) or "more". She consistently would pick "more". I can see her thinking and watching your mouth as you talk to her. She tries to mimic the same movements and grins the whole time. She is also vocalizing when prompted. NO words but lots of "ahhhhhhs". She seems to be "ahh'ing" in the right pattern and even the right numbers of "ahhhhs" in response to you. You can see how hard she is trying and how much it's taking for her to get the sounds out. There are a few times her sounds came out of as a whisper which really reminded me of another little girl with Emanuel Syndrome. It's neat to me to see these children with some of the same mannerisms and "quirks".

What really impressed me is that she consistently picked the correct pictures when asked. At one point we moved the picture of her light up toy to a different place on her board. She went to pick it on the board and look confused when it was not in the same place. Then she found it and patted it like CRAZY!

So I have many pictures to work with her now at home. I have pictures of her toys, family members and such and will start working with her 2-4 pictures at a time. I have to work on her accuracy as far as touching right on the picture. She starts to "patt" in the direction of what she wants until she patts over to the picture. We want her to be able to go right to the picture and even REACH up to the top of the board eventually. Right now Makily "patting" is her way to communicate everything.

She also started clapping last week.

This kid rocks.

This is what Makily's board looks like.....kind of. Right now we are only using FOUR pictures. Hopefully we can work up to using this many!

Letting the "fat" out of the bag.

So I started Jenny Craig three weeks ago.

My butt is too big and my tummy well...I won't even go there.

I half jokingly say my stomach looks like a road map since having Makily from all the stretch marks.

My friend Janie and sister Deborah have inspired me. Janie's lost I believe 50+ lbs recently. Deborah has lost almost 40 on Jenny Craig. I called Deborah and asked what day she went in every week this way we can go in together. I gave Deborah a really gross but humorous description of how fat I am getting. I can't share it here because while HILARIOUS, it's mortifying at the same time. I cross the line enough on my blog as it is right?

I have struggled with my weight since I was a teenager really. Up and down and up and down. Our family was NOT blessed with the "skinny genes" by any stretch of the imagination.

SO NOT FAIR I might add.

I am also an emotional eater. Really everyone in my family is.


Happy? "Let's have cake"!

Sad? "Let's cry over a tub of Ben and Jerry's".

Bored? "I wonder if Allen left any of those "Dibs" in the freezer"?

Angry? "Hi, I'll have a number one, no lettuce a LARGE sweet tea and LARGE fry...and NOW"

Depressed? "Back up the truck....BEEP, BEEP, BEEP"

In high school I was able to keep weight off because I was so active. I was on the dance team so I had killer legs. Of course even then I thought I was fat.....see it's totally a psychological thing too. I am never completely happy with what I look like. Last time I was at goal I still thought I was fat. *sigh*

I also have this other problem. When I diet....I usually CRASH into it. I barely eat, work out like a maniac until I am so sore I can't move. It takes about a month of that and I burn out. I know they say "don't starve yourself, eat at least xxx amount of calories a day". In my hard headed mind I have always figured "I ate five grapes, a bowl of soup and 3 bottles of water, I am so loosing weight".

FINALLY I am eating the amount I am told to eat and I am not going to starve myself.

I started working out but again I am NOT going to kill myself doing it. Deborah and I walked Sat and Sun. I only walked....did not jog...which for me is hard. I always figure in my head "If I jog like a demon I am burning more calories right"? Yesterday I did a walk/jog aka "wogging" and only jogged for two minutes at a time.

For me music is a MUST HAVE for walk/jogging. I can't stand to listen to myself breathing all heavy and my feet on the pavement. UGH.

Here is a list of music on my IPOD right now. I have to say some of it is "rageful" but it's great to listen to as a SN parent.....or really anyone with high stress in their life!

One Step Closer
Numb
Stronger (Kanye)
Gold Digger (Kanye)
Shakles (Praise You)
How Far We've Come
Desert Rose
Dragula (Rob Zombie and while this song creeps me out, I run like a wild woman during it)
Lean Like a Cholo (the title to that cracks me up)
When I Grow Up
Harder To Breathe
Maneater
CandyMan
Girlfriend

I have lost 1.5-2 lbs a week so far. Of course I want to loose more a week but I realize this is NOT realistic. I am annoyed that I don't loose as quickly as I did back when I was 22. Then again I know loosing slowly help you keep it off so I guess I can be happy with that.

My goal is to be able to do a five mile hike in November with my Dad and Allen. We are going to TN for vacation as a family again and are going to Cades Cove. There is a waterfall that I want to go see but it's a five mile round trip hike.

Hopefully I will be in shape enough to do it.

So I think I have a new addiction.

When Makily was born I stopped doing her baby book altogether. To be brutally honest it was TOO painful to do. I attempting scrap booking for her a few times. Just sifting through pictures would bring me to tears. I put a lot of the NICU memorabilia in "the drawer" in her room. I don't go in "the drawer" because it depresses me so much.

It's sad her baby book is empty except for details of my pregnancy and descriptions of how happy and excited I was to be having her.

During our foster care classes they explained that it's encouraged to start or continue a "life book" for your foster children. They said that when a child has no pictures or nurturing memories from their bio parents when they are very small, that when they get older sometimes they don't believe they were actually "born" to anyone. Sometimes they feel that they were just kind of "dropped" onto the earth. If they have a life book to look at pictures and describe what their early years were like, they develop more of a sense of belonging. At least that's what "they" say.

So I started J's life book several weeks ago. It's really a scrap book. I have done six or seven pages in it so far. I would think about the fact that I had not started one for Makily and the guilt would wash over me. Then I would remind myself how painful it has been in the past for me to do it for her and I would push those feelings aside.

Well Sunday I went to the scrap book section of Walmart and found the cutest scrap book. It was THE ONLY one like it there. What's more significant is that it has a "ladybug" theme. It stood out to me like a sore thumb. I LOVE ladybugs and Makily has a ton of lady bug clothes and hair clippies. She even had a lady bug bathing suit and swim cover up last year.

I bought it and picked out several other things to start her book with.

I found myself getting choked up picking out stickers and embellishments for her.

I bought a few "It's a Girl" sticker packs. Of course there are bottles, pacifiers, and one even had a bib in it that says "Feed Me".

For Makily those are wasted stickers.

All the crap that has "your first steps", "i can crawl", "I like to eat", "My first word" was killing me.

I kept forcing myself to look over it.

Then I went over to MICHAELS to get a few more things. I had an awesome pack I had gotten for J and wanted to get another one but in "girl" theme for Makily. I was looking at some other things and found the "quote" packs. For those not in the scraping "world" they are books of vellum type paper with sweet sayings on them.

This one got me:

".......all the things I prayed and hoped for you in my dreams have come true my daughter......."

*Gouge my eyes out with a spoon.....PLEASE?!*

I felt the tears filling my eyes, I threw it down and went to the register with what I had already found.

While I was waiting to check out I kept thinking:

"God why didn't I get that cookie cutter life, why didn't all MY hopes and dreams come true for Makily, why can't I relish in Makily doing simple things like EATING and talking"?

I checked out, got in the car looked at Allen and said:

"Nothing like scrapbook shopping to make me want to throw myself in traffic"!

He looked at me like I had lost it (a typical look I get these days :-).

Once I got home, I sat down and went through what I had purchased. I started thinking and I realize NO ONE has a cookie cutter life. No matter how perfect things may look on the outside......typically inside there are things that are painful and dark. I need to be thankful for what MAKILY CAN DO and what SHE IS rather than what she is not. It's hard sometimes though when just looking at scrap booking supplies at Walmart seems to be rubbing what she can't do in my face.

I did the first page in Makily's book yesterday. I did NOT use any of her NICU pictures for it, her birth pictures are too sad so I don't know when or if I will scrap them.

I think I am going to start looking for "special needs" scrap booking stuff. I don't even know if anyone makes it but if they do I am going to find it.

I'm not the only one!

I just happened to be browsing other foster parenting blogs and I found this.

It really cracked me up.

It reminded me of my entry a while back "half truths and miscommunication".

For some reason in the foster care world there seems to be a problem with social workers lying or telling half truths to foster parents. I realize it's mostly because the social worker is usually just trying to get the child placed and wants to go home. They omit certain IMPORTANT information to get someone to take the child....before you ask YES this happened in our situation with Baby J.

We were told two different stories about the bio mom and were not given ALL the PERTINENT information about his prenatal and birth history (even though I asked and grilled them with every question I could come up with).

I can't complain though because had we known EVERYTHING, it's VERY likely we wouldn't have taken him. What a huge mistake that would have been.

So here it is:

SOCIAL WORKERS!!!

MEAN WHAT YOU SAY & SAY WHAT YOU MEAN:

Examples of how many sayings seems today:

WHAT THEY SAY:
He’s a very busy little fellow
WHAT THEY MEAN:
He’s destroyed my office apart in 20 minutes flat.

WHAT THEY SAY:
She seems to have a little cold.
WHAT THEY MEAN:
Her temp is 102 and she can’t breathe for coughing.

WHAT THEY SAY:
The family situation is slightly chaotic.
WHAT THEY MEAN:
They’ve been living in the family car which has been re-possessed.

WHAT THEY SAY:
Mom needs to get a little more organized.
WHAT THEY MEAN:
Mom doesn’t remember where she left the baby.

WHAT THEY SAY:
These children need an organized, consistent atmosphere.
WHAT THEY MEAN:
They’ve never worn clothes and they eat off the floor.

WHAT THEY SAY:
You’re the only one I would trust with this child.
WHAT THEY MEAN:
Everyone else has turned me down

WHAT THEY SAY:
This child is a picky eater.
WHAT THEY MEAN:
He eats only cheetos, twinkies and Mountain Dew.

WHAT THEY SAY:
She has difficulty with peer relationships.
WHAT THEY MEAN:
She tried to kill her foster sister in her last placement.

WHAT THEY SAY:
We may want to talk about counseling in a few weeks.
WHAT THEY MEAN:
She thinks she’s a dog and barks constantly

WHAT THEY SAY:
It’s a complicated case.
WHAT THEY MEAN:
I think the grandfather is also the father but he may be the uncle.

WHAT THEY SAY:
I know I promised to take the child on the visit but I have an emergency.
WHAT THEY MEAN:
I’m dumping it on you.

WHAT THEY SAY:
Don’t you think you are overreacting?
WHAT THEY MEAN:
I don’t know what to do either.

WHAT THEY SAY:
He needs a lot of love and understanding
WHAT THEY MEAN:
He’s locked himself in a workers car and he has a knife.

WHAT THEY SAY:
The school staff seems fairly unsupportive in his last placement.
WHAT THEY MEAN:
He held the principal hostage.

WHAT THEY SAY:
We’re going to move quickly to get the child home
WHAT THEY MEAN:
We can’t find his mother

WHAT THEY SAY:
Previous foster mom has switched jobs and can’t deal w/ him right now.
WHAT THEY MEAN:
He’s 2 months old, weighs only 9 lbs, can’t keep anything down, screams constantly because he’s starving, and nobody can figure out what food he can keep down.

WHAT THEY SAY:
She’s very unique.
WHAT THEY MEAN:
She has so many mental and/or medical issues that even the doctors get confused.

WHAT THEY SAY:
It’s only temporary…
WHAT THEY MEAN:
…Unless no one else wants a 16 yr old with RAD, ADHD, dyslexia, autism, texture sensitivity, eating disorders, anxiety, bi-polar, fascination with fire, a history of acting out violently and sexually towards other children and adults, has been expelled from twelve schools, etc. ad nauseum.

WHAT THEY SAY:
She’s a very easygoing child.
WHAT THEY MEAN:
She’s probably RAD, so she doesn’t care if you’re there or not, or where you take her, or what you feed her, etc.

WHAT THEY SAY:
His hair needs to be washed, and he has a rash around his diaper, but he’s a sweet little baby.
WHAT THEY MEAN:
He has lice, so you better wash his hair and clothes and bedding and then repeat the process for everyone else in your home after you discover this.

WHAT THEY SAY:
You work well with boys like this one.
WHAT THEY MEAN:
Lock up is full and they have no place to put him.

WHAT THEY SAY:
It’s interim, he’s going into a residential program.
WHAT THEY MEAN:
They haven’t found one that will accept him.

WHAT THEY SAY:
He needs close supervision.
WHAT THEY MEAN:
He runs away.

WHAT THEY SAY:
Keep him away from younger children.
WHAT THEY SAY:
He has sexually assaulted little boys and girls..

WHAT THEY SAY:
I’ve been meaning to call ______________(pick one or all: the therapist/the attorney/the parole officer/the bio mom/you)…
WHAT THEY MEAN:
Now that you’ve left me 15 messages and gotten a hold of me completely by accident….I’ll pretend to get right on that thing you’ve been bugging me about for three weeks now.

WHAT THEY SAY:
You’re just wonderful to do this
WHAT THEY MEAN:
Its 5 o’clock and I’m out of here!

If social workers were held accountable for their actions or decisions they might stop and think before making them.

The System Sucks.

So Allen and I went to apply again for SSI for Makily.

DENIED......again.

We are over income.

You know because we are so terribly rich and all.


NOT.

It's very frustrating, although I am not surprised. I even told the lady we don't want the monthly check.....we just want the medicaid that comes along with it. I told her we have our own private insurance but our deductibles, co-pays and all are KILLING US. She at least sympathized with us. She said there was no issue with whether or not Makily was disabled. In fact she read the letter from the doctor and kept saying "oh wow" through the whole thing. *sigh*

What's really frustrating is that they of course go off of GROSS income and not NET PAY. This is a HUGE DIFFERENCE for us as Allen's checks have several hundred dollars in deductions and we don't even SEE OR TOUCH THAT MONEY.

It amazes me that people can get SSI for certain simple disabilities (which I WON'T list here because I really am not trying to offend anyone) but yet my child who is unable to walk, talk or even eat can't even get medicaid to help with her medical bills.

Something is terribly wrong with that.

The only suggestions the lady had was that Allen and I could get legally divorced or separated. Makily would DEFINITELY qualify then.

Nice.

She suggested that maybe Allen could get a job making less money but then recanted and said "Well then you wouldn't be able to pay your bills, huh?"

So we will trudge along, while my credit goes into the dumps (all Makily's stuff is in my name so at least Allen's credit is being saved). At least I have my health right?

******************************

Tomorrow is "the big day".

THE STAFFING ABOUT LITTLE J.



I am nervous, anxious and scared. I really have no idea what to expect from the SW (social worker) with DCF. She could really go either way as far as where little J should be placed. I know chances are that she will push for the relative because that's what "the system" says they should do.

How is it in the best interest of Little J to be moved to another state, after living with us for eight + months (by the time they can move him) and bonding with our family? The child has now been in THREE homes. How would that be in his "best interest" to move to a fourth?

The other day I was rocking J to sleep. My necklace with cross had gotten tucked into my shirt. With his eyes closed he was reaching up with his little hand looking for my necklace to hold onto as he drifted to sleep. I pulled my cross out of my shirt and he found it immediately. I sat there crying as I watched him fall to sleep in my arms.



What is he going to think when and if the move him away from me and I am not there to "give him my cross"? Where will he think I went? Will he know how much I loved him and how much I wanted him to stay with me?

Allen and I are still struggling with decisions. We make one and then change our minds a few minutes later. I keep praying for God to send us the answer. I keep waiting and praying that somehow it will come and I will immediately know what I am supposed to do, but that has not happened yet.

I have a feeling big things are going to happen tomorrow and I am so afraid.

Please continue to pray for us.

Back to the real world.

Well our weekend was great. A few hiccups here and there but for the most part we had a nice relaxing time.

Saturday we went to Typhoon Lagoon. They had a "Lazy River" that we floated with the kids around several times. Makily LOVED it and so did J. Only bad thing I can say is that when you are getting INTO the Lazy River, if it's busy....the people can be like vultures waiting for tubes. I swear I almost got knocked down several times and I was holding Makily or Baby J. People can be really rude sometimes. It was good once we got in though and I was able to ignore the rude people and just relax.

*aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh*

We also rode a "family water slide". Makily and J didn't seem to care for it much so we went over to the wave pool and for a while it was very calm. They have this MASSIVE wave every 15 minutes and for some reason they had stopped doing it. The kids played in the water and had a great time. Then they decided to start "the wave" again......it was signalled by a loud HONK. Once it started we realized that even though we were sitting on the very edge of the pool as far away from the wave as possible, we knew we better get OUT of the way. Trishtwo was sitting holding Aubrey (remember we are in water that is no deeper than a foot or two). The wave came and smacked Trishtwo right in the face.....all the sudden I see her feet go flying up into the air, her hat was ripped off (okay NOW I am laughing) and little went Aubrey drifting out to the shoreline with a look of horror on her face. She had a life vest on and was fine but it scared her. She said "Auntie Trish, I drownded".

After that when the horn honked, we all got up with the kids and let it go by.

We went back over to sit and relax a bit and Makily was in such a great mood. I got several pics of her just smiling and talking to Aubrey (she photo montage below!). She was so happy and she really LOVES the water. It seems to relax her.

Sidenote: Can I just say that sometimes people's bathing suit choices really surprise me. I was embarrassed and mortified several times. I saw more hiney and cellulite this weekend than I think I saw anything else. Don't get me wrong, I am FAR from perfect myself but you can bet you won't find me in a two piece, thong ANY day! The men in tight speedo's really cracked me up. I often wonder if they look in the mirror before they went out that day?

Sunday we went to Blizzard Beach.

Things were nice until we decided we were going to go on a "family tube" ride. We go up and see there is a 30 minute wait JUST TO GET ON the "ski lift" to take you up to the ride. There was no way we would be able to carry Makily all that way. So I told the people running the ride that Makily was disabled and they moved us to the front of the line. After MUCH confusion they explain that Little J and Aubrey (Trishtwo's youngest age 2) are too little to go (although the ride was described as a family tube ride...I was thinking a flowing, fun....well tube ride that I could hold the baby/babies on my lap). We grapple back and forth with them and finally realize there is no way they can go. So Justin said he would stay with the two little ones while we took the rest of the kids to the ride. We get off the ski lift to where the ride is and there is yet ANOTHER LOOONG LINE.......ANd we had to carry Makily through the line. So imagine we are in a HUGE cluster of lines for several different water slides, it's hot as you know what, we had to loose half of our group cause our kids were too little, and we are carrying 35-40 lbs of Makily when Cameron (Trishtwo's oldest age 4) says "Mommy, I have to go potty".

Poor Kid.

Trishtwo says "Cameron honey there is no where to go up here and if you have to go that bad you are going to have to go on yourself because there is really no way down right now except on the slide". Now Trishtwo was only half serious, not really expecting Cameron to pee on herself right then and there in the line.....but well...Cameron did. I look over and Cameron is standing with her legs apart, her butt stuck as far out behind her as she can get and she is peeing on the ground. I glance behind us and see about 10 people watching Cameron pee in the spot that they will soon have to walk through as soon as the line moves. The look of sheer terror on their faces was priceless and it was all I could do not to bust out laughing.

I look at Trishtwo and say "I am sooo blogging this".

Allen looks over to see what I am cackling about and goes "ugh, gross" and moves up. Trishtwo is REFUSING to look behind us as she is going to pretend she has no clue that her child just peed, right there on the ground in line. Finally the line moves and I kid you not, there was a HUGE gap behind us, as everyone was trying to avoid stepping in little Cameron pee.

About twenty HOT, SCORCHING, arm crippling from holding Makily minutes later they come over the loud speaker announcing that the ride that we were going to go on.....yes the ONLY ONE that Makily could ride up there was SHUTTING DOWN!!

ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?

So we turn around to go BACK the way we came and of course the crowd is HORRIBLE, all these people trying to get back down after being up there all that time and riding NOTHING. Cameron kept saying "there's too many people"!

I go to get back on the dang ski lift to get Makily down and they have to send for the "gondola" for Makily to ride. For some STUPID reason they ONLY let handicapped people ride down, everyone else has to take the STAIRS FROM HELL. They would only let me ride with Makily so poor Allen had to huff it down the stairs. While waiting for the wheelchair and gondola to come up a lady and her son come over and are waiting for the rest of their party to come up and get off the lift. They start chatting and say how awful it is that the ride went down. I agreed and said "yeah we waited in that line for nothing too". Then she asks what we were waiting for now. I told her we were waiting to go down. To which her son replies "Oh no, you can't ride this down, you have to take the stairs". So I say "No she needs the wheelchair so we are waiting for that". He looks at Makily and then looks at me and says "Why does she need the wheelchair?" I pretend not to hear him. Then he asks his mother "why does she need a wheelchair?" Again I am pretending not to hear a thing. His mom says "Well because something happened". He then says "Well what happened". Then she says "It's none of your business". Then he tells her yes it's his business and then she very quickly told him to shut up.

CAN YOU SAY AWKWARD MOMENT!?

Anyway we finally got back down after what seemed like forever. When I got off the ride the ski lift I really though my feet were going to incinerate right there on the pavement. My feet are a mess as it is and after walking on hot pavement and grinding them on the bottom of the wave pool while holding a baby or two, they look like a took a cheese grater too them.

Once again I have gone too far haven't I?

We took the kids back into the "kiddie area" to play in the water some more and then we retired back to the hotel. Of course we were exhausted from the long hot day so we all took a nap. I wake up two hours later to the fire alarm. It would turn on, then off, then on, then off. I called the front desk and they assured me we were not on fire and that it would not happen again.

Well this morning at about 5:30 AM.....guess what went off?

You guessed it...the screeching fire alarm.

Now Makily can sleep through anything but Little J will wake up and at that time of morning he has a hard time going back to sleep. So each time it went off I was ready to go knock someone out. This went on and off for a good 10 minutes before I called the front desk and very firmly thanked them for waking up my seven month old SEVERAL TIMES to the point that now no one can sleep!

She said "ma'am we're sorry, it wasn't intentional, our alarm is broken and they are trying to fix it. ".

We won't be staying there again.

All in all though it was a great trip and we had so much fun. Makily FINALLY has a bit of color to her skin. We slathered her with sunscreen at least 3 or 4 times a day but she is a shade darker than when she went!

Here's a video of our weekend ENJOY!

Make an on-line slideshow at www.OneTrueMedia.com

We're off.....

.......................to Disney!

We had planned on spending the weekend at the beach but decided to take the kids to the Disney parks instead. We have passes and we need to get our money's worth! I think we are going to Blizzard Beach or Typhoon Lagoon on Sunday......pray I don't get harpooned by someone thinking I am a beached whale!

All kinds of drama with J's case in the last week or so. Not sure how much I will be able to blog about but just know that things are still looking good for US.

I have more to blog about but it's late here and I need to go to bed so we can get up early and head down to Orlando.

Be back Monday sometime.

Have a great weekend!

Makily's Music.

We noticed when Makily was very little that she loves music. I am told that most Emanuel Syndrome children do.

Certain songs or music make her light up more than others. Her favorite "kid" song is "My Bonny" (although I insert Makily). Whenever the song starts she shakes her head, kicks her feet and grins. She does seem to like top 40/dance/pop music. Allen listens to a lot of alternative stuff and she really likes that.

So here's a video of Makily and Daddy singing and listening to music. This is all from over the weekend. Please excuse the mess that is her hair in a few of the clips. She had just gotten out of the tub and we hadn't brushed it out yet. It's looking pretty crazy!

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Feeding Makily.

So originally we had planned on sending Makily to summer school. She would get her PT,OT and speech while there. It was Mon & Tues from 8-1. Well the first several weeks things were crazy here, either I was sick, Makily was acting sick or something was happening.

Finally Allen just said let's do private therapy for the summer and give her the summer out of school.

So we went back to see Mrs. Elon last week. I just love her. Makily does too.

Which leads me to this decision that Allen and I had made a while back but that I have not really talked much about.

We had stopped orally feeding Makily at all.

It wasn't like she was taking large amounts by mouth. In fact it was minimal and ALWAYS a fight. I can probably count how many times in four years we had a feeding session where Makily was not screaming and fighting me through at least half of it. Makily's ability to eat by mouth (or lack thereof) has been a HUGE source of stress and sadness for me.

There are so many reasons why she does NOT want anything to do with food. The cards were stacked against her from the get go.

Here's a little history on Makily's struggle with eating.

Birth: Cleft palate with Pierre Robin Sequence, Severe hypotonia, delayed swallow with severe suck, swallow, breathe dis coordination.
(all that in a nutshell means she had a hole in the roof of her mouth, her jaw was pushed WAY far back and her tongue was balled up in the back of her throat obstructing her airway at times. She has low muscle tone and that INCLUDES the muscles that help coordinate eating and so her coordination was a mess)

Six weeks: Diagnosed with SEVERE GERD AND *trace aspiration with oral feeding.
(*to this day I do not think she truly had aspiration during that swallow study as THREE professionals reviewed the tape arguing (in front of me) over whether or not she actual aspirated...two said they didn't see it, the speech therapist SWORE she did over and over so the other two relented and said "well if she did it's just a trace amount) I was advised to STOP all oral feeds until we could get the reflux under control as Makily was at high risk for aspiration pneumonia from not only the *possible oral aspiration but the reflux too. She had lung damage from the meconium aspiration at birth and I as told pneumonia would likely land us back in the hospital...we had only been out of the NICU two weeks at this point. We were given medication to try and control the reflux to no avail.

Three months: Nissen fundoplication done to stop Severe reflux, pyloroplasty to help her stomach empty and G tube revision.

Four Months: Makily had intermittent dumping and retching syndrome

Six Months: G tube started leaking. Spent a month at Shands where she almost died (click here to read about that nightmare). G tube eventually removed after a total of six weeks leaking and an NJ tube was placed (which caused MAJOR issues with putting ANYTHING in Makily's mouth as she ALWAYS had that tube in the back of her throat) at APH Childrens.

Nine Months: Had speech eval, we were NOT cleared to orally feed yet by her doctors and were in the process of transferring EVERYTHING to APH Childrens. (I was sneaking some baby foods in though)

Ten Months: NJ tube removed, G tube replaced.

Eleven Months: FINALLY cleared to oral feed again *with caution*

One Year: We saw the craniofacial team and were PRAYING they would repair her cleft ASAP. It was causing major issues with eating because everything that went in her mouth came out her nose. This made Makily VERY mad. Due to all of Makily's airway issues, intubation problems and the fact that she has problems with anesthesia (going down and coming out of it), they insisted on NOT fixing her cleft until she was 15 months old....then they put it off until she was 18 months.

Makily's first year and a half was spent on and off in the hospital, having surgeries, pneumonia, breathing problems, retching and in pain. During that time orally eating was not a priority and was dangerous.

All that being said.....I logically know that with all those problems, even with a "typical" G tube child you will have oral aversions and feeding issues....so add in a severe genetic condition and things get really hard.

Even still I feel like I have failed Makily miserably and it makes me cry.........a lot.

Last December at the Christmas parade we had bought some boiled peanuts. I smushed one up and fed it to Makily. She loved it. Smiled and everything....I was even more proud when she swallowed it. Ten minutes later she started coughing and tiny smushed up pieces of peanut came out.

She didn't swallow it, it had just been sitting in the back of her throat the whole time.

That was a pivotal moment for me.

I decided I was not going to force her to do something her little body just can't seem to do. I stopped doing it. I stopped putting pressure on myself about it.

I gave up.

The guilt and relief of that is tremendous.

I do feel a terrible sense of failure. I remember when Makily got her G tube I swore that we wouldnt need it more than a month or so. Here it is four years later.....she still has it and deep down in my heart.....I know it's a permanent part of Makily.

So after talking with Elon last week she asked me what I would like to get out of therapy with Makily. Obviously communication is one thing and then I said this and after I said it, I lost it.

"I just want her to swallow".

Something so simple.

I just want my daughter who I love more than I love myself to learn how to swallow. It hit me like a ton of bricks when I thought about what a SIMPLE thing that is. I am not asking for the moon God. I just want my baby to eat.

Is it too much to ask? Is it?

So I am setting back out on the "feeding Makily" journey yet again.

I am going to try and not pressure myself or Makily about it. If she freaks out too much or gets too angry then I will stop until next time. I don't think she will ever be rid of the G tube but I would love for Makily to be able to enjoy something simple like a Popsicle or ice cream. She can't control her saliva and that is something I would love for her to be able to do...or at least do better than she does now.

So here is a little video of today's session with Elon. We focused on communication and play a lot today and Makily did a REAL FIRST!

She VERY purposefully waved bye bye when Elon asked her too. I couldn't believe that she did it AND that I was actually taping when she did!

Check it out:

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

"OMG her button is gone!"

So Sunday after church Makily decided she would take a three hour nap. Allen got her up and put her on the couch in the living room. He went to hook her up and yelled:

"OMG, HER BUTTON IS GONE!"

Inside I panic because I am thinking....."How long has it been out?"

I could hear her surgeon's words echoing in my head.

"Wow Makily's stoma really closes up quickly when the button is out."

Since she had napped for three hours it could have been out three hours or five minutes. If it had closed up, well you can imagine what we would have to do then.

My stomach was churning.

Allen and I both run to her room. He finds the button in the bed....balloon deflated. I check it and there is a BAD leak in the balloon. So bad that I can see the water squirting out the side of it.

*sigh*

So I run into the den and start digging through all my g tube supplies. I am a freak when it comes to Makily's g tube stuff and I keep everything. When we replace her button with a new one (every three months or sooner if it's leaky or the balloon pops) I sterilize them and then I put them in a zip lock baggy. This way I always have something I can put in there if I am EVER stuck in a position where I can't get my hands on a new button. They aren't the easiest things to get ahold of by the way....especially if it's in a hurry. Been there done that.

I find a button that isn't leaky (the balloon just inflates uneven for some reason?). I decide I will put that one in since I don't have a new one.

Why don't I have a new one you might ask?

Well you see our home health company will ONLY send me ONE every THREE months. Every now and then there is a short period of time that I don't' have an extra, new button because I had to replace Makily's early for one reason or another. This just happened to be a two week period where we don't have a new one to put in.

Does Makily have impeccable timing or what?

So I go to put in the button, I slather it with lubricant and I try to get it to go in.

Makily is crying, my hands are shaking and I am pushing and pushing....it's not going in.

I try again after squirting half the tube of lubricant on the button and Makily's tummy.

It would not go.

I want to sit down and cry but know I don't have time to do that.

Then I realize I have a new button one size down (meaning the width of the button) in her closet. The home health company had sent it by mistake months and months ago.

I get it ready to put it in.

I say to Allen if this doesn't go in we will end up in the ER and by the time we wait and they get us back I doubt we will be able to get ANYTHING IN THERE, not even a foley catheter (they sometimes use those to hold a stoma open until something more permanent available...of course I don't have a foley at the house but believe me I am getting one now). Most likely Children's ER in Orlando would take us right back but they are two hours away.

Time is not on our side here.

I squirt more lubricant all over the new button and Makily again (she was a slippery little girl by the time I was done). Honest to God I prayed over the button and Makily's tummy (a quick prayer though).

I pushed the button into the stoma and it slid right in....EASILY on the first try.

I inflated the balloon, put gauze around the button and then BAWLED my head off.

It's strange to me how I totally hold it together until it's over and then I completely loose it afterwards. Allen sat Makily up and would you believe she squealed happily and clapped her hands together like we had just read her favorite book? She is such a trooper.

I had a "she'll never" moment the other day. Totally unexpected and out of nowhere. I was watching John and Kate plus eight. They had taken one of the older twin girls (I think it was Maddy?) for her "one on one" day with Mommy and Daddy. They went to the mall to get her ears pierced. As I was watching I imagined what it would have been like to take Makily to get her ears pierced once she had decided she wanted it done. I thought about what a great Mother/Daughter bonding day that would have been for us. I had my ears pierced when I was six and I still remember it to this day. Makily will never have that day with me. I cry just typing that. She will never be able to make the choice to have it done, and honestly I wouldn't put her through it either. She has been poked more than any four year old ever should so don't think it's fair for me to decide that for her.

She started some private therapies this week. We'll see how that goes. I'll go into more details about that in another post.

******************************************

Things are still looking very good in our favor for J. There are so many details and ins and outs to his case. If I were to update on everything going on with that most of you would be scratching your heads. It's all very confusing and at times contradictory. Just know for now things are in our favor. I did seek some professional advice which I knew would be brutally honest with us. I just wanted to know the actual legal aspects of everything from an unbiased person. It was all good news for us on that front too.

Sorry it's been so long on an update. I have actually been writing this entry for a day or two but kept being interrupted by one or both of the babies....I love it.

Fun on the Fourth

We had a fun filled Fourth.

We started the day off at Carney Island. The whole family went, my mom, dad, sister, brother in law, niece and nephew. The kids had a great time playing on the swings. We cooked out.

Makily LOVES to swing



Deborah and Delaney swinging


Me and Delaney Swinging.



Makily and J fell asleep. My Dad had brought his boat so Allen sat with the kids while my Dad took me out on the boat. We bought this tube to pull behind it:



I had NEVER done this before and let's say I have the war wounds to show for it. My arms are so sore from holding on for dear life! I sat in the middle of the tube. There was no way I was sitting on the side and holding on like in the picture. I mean let's face it I can barely walk and chew gum at the same time.

At first I lost total control of the tube and went flying. Allen told me he saw the tube go up about three feet up in the air at one point and he was just waiting for me to fly out of it. I had a death grip on that thing! My face slammed into it a few times. I have a bruise under my chin and I may have broke my nose, my arm looks like I have been beaten.....




......................but DAMN THAT WAS FUN!


LOLOL

Once I was done Allen took a turn while I sat with the sleeping babies.

We ended the day at the pool at Allen's mom's house. The kids are really water babies. Makily usually plays for a while and then the soothing water makes her sleepy and she is out. J kicks his feet and has a big ole time. We got him a life jacket. He loves that because we can just hold on to it and he free floats.



We had planned on doing fire works here at the house (just the "cheap ones") last night but the kids were tired and so were Mommy and Daddy. I went to bed at 8:30!

Hope you all had a great fourth.

We are going to try and do fireworks tonight to make up for last night!
More pics to come tomorrow.

On a walk to the store with Daddy

Holding On.

Every time I feed J he plays with the necklace I wear. More so when he is sleepy. Yesterday after court we went to the mall to take our minds off things. Allen and J went to go to the "video store". When they met back up with Makily, Tara (my niece) and I, J was holding a small box in his hand. With Allen's help J bought me this simple gold cross. Now when I am feeding him he plays with the cross as he slowly drifts to sleep.



I will never take it off and it will always have a special meaning to me.

Here are a few pictures from the last couple of days.

Little J trying to steal Uncle John's hat.


Makily playing patty cake with Tara


Makily snuggling with Uncle John


Giggling with Uncle John


J in the stroller at the mall


This is a video I took in the van yesterday.
J LOVES Peek-A-Boo now and Tara had him laughing so hard.

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

As for me I am "holding on". I go back and forth on how I feel about everything and I just want to have peace about it. I can't have peace if I don't give it to God and LEAVE IT THERE.

I am trying.

My friend Heather posted this "poem" for me and it rings very true in my situation and MANY situations in my life.

I may add it to my sidebar of my blog.

As children bring their broken toys,
with tears for us to mend,
I brought my broken dreams to God,
because He is my friend.
But then instead of leaving Him
in peace to work alone,
I hung around and tried to help,
with ways that were my own.
At last, I snatched them back again
and cried, "How can you be so slow?"
"My child" He said, "What could I do?
You never did let go."

--Author Unknown

I keep reminding myself that we have been through so much with Makily. We can get through this. I am stronger than I give myself credit for. I just really have to surrender this and let whatever is going to happen....happen. I had a horrible time in the beginning with Makily doing that and I struggle with it now with J.

Please pray for peace in all of this for Allen and I.

Court Today.

First off I apologize that it is so late and I am just now posting this. I have had a lot to take in today.

The hearing was heard by the magistrate and not the judge. I don't really know what difference that makes except we are now having another hearing in a month.

J's parents did not call or show up for his hearing. This is the first time they have no showed to court.

Everything was reviewed and they did discuss the fact that there is a family member in another state that wants J. The ICPC process (home study on that family member) was started last week. Typing that sentence just turned my stomach. Due to the fact that Allen and I have only had J for two months, they (social worker (SW) and GAL) initially were not even going to mention the fact that we want him. The courts look at us as no more than a "babysitter" until we have had him for six months (which will be Oct 2...I am going to start counting the days).

The motion was made to change the goal to TPR (termination of parental rights) with a CONCURRENT plan of reunification. One of the bio's attorney's said he felt it was "premature" to move for TPR and would rather they just make the family member J's guardian once the ICPC goes through. That way eventually his parents would still have the opportunity to get him back. The GAL spoke up then and stated that the family member adamantly stated she DID NOT want to foster J or be just his guardian, that if she was going to take him she would only do it if it was a straight out adoption. Then she went on to say that if the ICPC on the family member does not go through that the foster family wants to adopt J. My eyes welled up when she said that and I was SO thankful she mentioned us.

In the end the goal was not changed. There will be ANOTHER hearing in August (by the judge and NOT the magistrate) and at that time the goal will be changed. The magistrate out right said that while there was some progress on the case plan it was minimal and she doubts that reunification will be possible. I believe the next hearing will be in another county, this is to make it easier for J's bio's to be there (I am rolling my eyes after typing that by the way). I may be mistaken on that as some of what was said was a bit confusing for me.

The GAL is going to speak with J's bio's. She is going to explain that we want him. She is going to discuss things we would and would not be willing to do to keep J in our family. Allen and I have discussed some pretty heavy things today but we have not made any solid decisions. Let's just say at this point we are very desperate to keep J and we are thinking about doing things we swore we would not do before we started this whole process. We have already broke all the other rules we made for ourselves.......why not another one?

*sigh*

This is SO hard.

I am not sure when the GAL will be able to speak with them because no one seems to have any contact information for J's bio's that is current. I am hoping she will be able to talk to them next week at visitation...if they show up.

They also feel the family member needs to (and has a right to) know the complete and total background on J. There are problems that could pop up later on down the road and this is something they should know before jumping into this. She also said that since J has moved so much it may not be daisies and roses from the get go and so the family member needs to realize that now. How awful would it be for him to get moved to a family member that can't deal with him just to be moved again?

So that's about it. I have been able to think of nothing else but this today and I need to stop. I have stared at him and looked at him all day today wondering what it is going to feel like if they take him away. I keep catching myself trying to memorize his scent and the way his head feels on my shoulder. I don't know how long I will have that and I never want to forget.

Pray for us, pray for J and most of all pray for God's will. I admit I say that half heartedly because the "devil" on my shoulder keeps whispering "what if it's God's will for him to be moved thousands of miles away with someone he does not know". I have given this to God all day long, and I keep taking it back. I have to surrender this and know that no matter what happens, it was meant to be.

Have I said how hard this is yet?

Pictures and video tomorrow. Too tired to do it tonight.

Shopping Spree, Sleepless Nights and Attachments.

Saturday we received an unexpected $200 check in the mail for J from our agency. The letter attached said it was J's clothing allowance. I had just told Allen I was going to have to buy J a new wardrobe again because he was outgrowing some of his stuff, great timing huh? I was also pleasantly surprised because I had been under the impression that the clothing allowance was really just $50 and honestly I was not going to even bother trying to collect it.

My friend Sarah is a foster mommy too so we went shopping for the babies together. We had so much fun and got A TON of clothes. We stopped at GAP in the mall and they were having a great sale. I got at least five outfits from there.



JC Penney's had a great sale going on too so we really made out. I still have money left over for more clothes for J and I plan on going shopping later this afternoon for him again.



He needs more socks. I just don't understand where the heck his socks go. It's like they sock gnome comes and steals them. Of course I had to buy some things for Makily (out of our own money I would never use J's money for anything but J of course). I tried to get them a couple of outfits that would match for pictures. I also got a HUGE bag FULL of clothes from my friend Chontee. I haven't been able to go through them yet but I am sure J will be well dressed for quite a while!
(*thanks again Chontee*)

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J is NOT sleeping well. This started Sunday and I am not sure what is going on. My guess is it's a growth spurt. I know Allen's schedule has something to do with it too. He has really grown fond of Allen and it's so cute. Saturday Allen was putting his shoes on to go to the grocery store and J started SCREAMING and crying. He stopped as soon as Allen picked him up to take him with him. It warmed my heart :-) Last night he was up every hour and would eat at least 3-4 ounces each time and then fall back asleep. It MUST be a growth spurt right?

I also have not been sleeping well the last week or so. I have a hard time falling asleep. Court is tomorrow and I just can't stop thinking about it. My stomach is in knots. My friend Sarah has court on her foster baby girl too so we are going together. Allen will be home and is staying with the babies. He said he just doesn't think he can handle going. I know it's going to be hard for me too BUT I am too nosy NOT to go. I want to hear every word, see every expression and know every detail.

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It's safe to say that J has attached to us. He does not like being alone in a room for any period of time. It's gotten worse over the last couple of weeks. I have been reading up on attachment issues with foster babies and children. I was reading what the risk factors were and was sad to see that J has MANY of the risk factors of developing RAD (reactive attachment disorder). Read up on it. It's pretty sad. At this point he is not showing any signs of RAD but I am afraid if he is moved again, especially if it's more than a few months from now, he will have major issues with it.

When I give Makily a bath he really gets upset because he's in the play pen and we are in the bathroom. I have resorted to doing this to avoid the tantrum.

Enjoy!

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