Four years ago today.....

Five weeks old.


Makily Ashtyn Caldwell
April 1, 2004 8:07 pm
5 pounds 10 ounces 19 inches long.


.........I laid in a hospital bed trying to have you.

Four years ago today I was so anxious and excited about the change that was about to happen in my life. My little girl, how beautiful she would be. I just knew you would have a head full of black hair. You would be just like me. A lifetime of dreams I had planned for you my daughter. Tutu's, curlers, dollies and ballet slippers. How much fun this was going to be.

Four years ago today your room was freshly painted. Fit for a Princess we had planned it so meticulously. Brand new bottles waited for you, enough clothes and toys for THREE little girls, but no, it was all for you.

As the pains grew closer my anxiety built. You were almost here and I could not wait to see your beautiful face. The room was filled with joyful, anxious tears. So many had waited and longed for your presence.

Then all at once you were finally here. The room became silent, it was deafening. I strained to hear that glorious cry. The one I had dreamed of for all of these years. The cry was not right, you sounded so small. The words "cleft palate and skin tag" echoed through my brain as you were whisked away from me. Nine months of being as one, now you were taken all in an instant, I felt so alone.

The next several months were filled with such grief. You experienced more pain in your first year than I have my entire life. The guilt of that weighed so heavy on my soul. How could I do this? It's not what I had planned.

Time carried on and you grew so strong. You struggled and struggled but you wouldn't give up . In awe of your strength, I started to see. You were more precious than any "dream baby" could be.

My heart broke for the "dream baby" that was not in God's plan. As I let her go I embraced all that YOU ARE and all that you WILL BE. I am grateful for all the hearts you have touched and lives you have changed. I am stronger, better and more compassionate, all because of you. Your joy is my joy, pure innocence and perfection you are.

I took back all those bottles, I replaced them with tubes. The tutu and slippers have left a sore spot. Though you dance in my dreams and always in my heart.

I love you forever and ever Makily. You have made me who I am today. I have learned so much from you in the past four years and I can only pray that I can give you all you have given me. I am so BLESSED to be your mother.

**Read post on 3-31 for update from Makily's doctor's appointment and video**