"She would have really enjoyed this".

My God-Daughter/Niece Cameron (Trishtwo and Justin's oldest, she's four) had her first recital last night.

I was so excited to go. I love that sort of thing, always have. I knew there may be a few moments that may tug at my heart....but the one that really got me was one I didn't even think of.

Cameron came out dressed like a Princess in her pink costume. It was so adorable, I really just wanted to eat her up.



They did a little dance to a song called "Lullaby" and it was incredibly sweet. I was proud at how well I was holding it together, I mean I was a little choked up but not for the reasons I thought I would be. Seeing Trishtwo GLOW with tears in her eyes watching Cameron dance was so touching. Makily was peacefully sleeping on my lap......I did wish she could have been up there with Cameron but I was handling it well.




They finished their dance and Trishtwo and I wiped our faces and said "OMG that was so sweet".

It was a total girl moment.

Makily woke up from the applause and I sat her up on my lap.

The next dance started it was ballet also. The girls were a little older.

Makily LOVED IT.

She was kicking her feet, smiling, giggling and squeaking her shoes like a mad woman. I thought maybe it was just the song she liked and that the dancing wasn't really what had her so excited.



She continued to intently watch the dancers on stage. She wanted to make sure everyone knew how much fun she was having.....she would smack Trishtwo to get her to look at her and then grin like a maniac.

When the third act started and Makily continued with her squealing, grinning and laughing I realized it wasn't just the music, she was REALLY enjoying the dancing.

I felt that familiar feeling in my heart.

The feeling of a four year old wound, that will never heal, breaking open again.

I buried my face in Makily's hair and tried to hide the fact that I was bawling.

I quickly realized that there wasn't much hiding it.

I looked over at Trishtwo and in a choked voice said:

"Ya know, she would have really enjoyed this".

Trishtwo threw her arm around Makily and I and she cried with me.

The more excited Makily got the harder I cried. I finally got it together by the fourth (okay fifth) dance and was able to really enjoy the rest.

Near the end I noticed Allen watching Makily, then I saw his face drop in the same way mine had earlier. I knew immediately he was thinking the same thing and it broke my heart.

I never even thought about Makily watching the dancers in delight. I never thought she would have cared one way or the other. Seeing her so BLATANTLY loving it broke my heart for her.

What I wouldn't do to see my sweet girl in a pink tutu on stage.

*sigh*

GOD, THIS IS SO HARD.


Luckily the second half of the recital was tear free. Makily did have to include her input one way or the other. There was a group of older girls that did a "modern dance" that freaked me out a little. It was a little too "tribal/voodoo" for my taste. The last 30 seconds or so of the dance was supposed to be very dramatic. It was one lone dancer on the stage, the back ground was BLOOD RED and the music had ended, it was DEAD silent. This girl is dancing (to no music) very intensely when all the sudden Makily kicks her feet together and squeaks her squeaky shoes.

It was SO LOUD it was all I could do not to bust out laughing.

I love it.


*************************************

I cut Makily's hair for the first time Friday. It's needed it for a long time but she hates anyone messing with her hair I didn't have the guts to take her to have it done. I just cut off an inch or two and it's much easier to manage and not as tangly. I would have tried a smidge more but she kept shaking her head no and I was afraid I may ruin it if I pushed it much more.

I saved it.



Makes me feel special that I was the first person to ever cut her hair.

********************************************

Little J is doing well. Rolling over, eating baby foods, it's all good! Still lots of uncertainty where he is concerned but there isn't much we can do about that right now. It's definitely a wait and see game, God is REALLY trying to teach me patience. I am finally getting it I guess but wow it's so hard.

Makily and J sitting together....their feet are so close in size it's weird. Tiny feet is really common in ES kids.
Makily is on the right, J is on the left.


Here's a video of Makily at the recital. Sorry the quality isn't that great. It was dark in the theatre and so this is the best we could get. She was happy and "dancing" along through the whole thing.

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

This video is of Makily and J together. He really likes her and is always trying to get to her. Makily let's him play with her bibs and her toys.

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Standing Outside The Fire.

I have ALWAYS loved this song.

I remember as a teenager watching this video and it made me cry (big surprise right?).

When Makily was born it meant even more to me for obvious reasons.

Makily taught me that the things in our lives that are the hardest and most painful are almost always the things that eventually bring us the most joy and teach us the most important lessons (even though when the "fire is at it's hottest" I may not always see it that way).

Today I had a meeting that has shaken my confidence in whether or not we will be able to eventually adopt little J. All hope is certainly NOT lost by any means but there is yet another obstacle that may possibly get in our way.

I cried about it for a while.

I had some pretty nasty internal dialogue with myself.

It went a little like this (I have edited it for graphic language):

"What the heck were you thinking? You knew going into this how uncertain it was. You knew it was very possible you would bond with a child and have them ripped from you. You knew it would hurt. Why are you so stupid to have put yourself and your family in this mess? What are you going to do if you loose him?"

This berating of myself went on for a while.

Then when I realized that even if they take J from us, I wouldn't take it back.

I would throw myself right back into the fire for him.

Just like I wouldn't take Makily back.

She is worth every tear, every ounce of depression I suffered, every angry moment that I asked God where he was and every second that I sat in the hospital with her wondering how long she would live.

Both of MY children are worth every second of pain I have suffered to have them in my life.

I will gladly jump back into the fire to keep BOTH of my babies with my as long as I possibly can.

I love you J and sweet Makily.


Standing Outside the Fire:

We call them cool
Those hearts that have no scars to show
The ones that never do let go
And risk it the tables being turned

We call them fools
Who have to dance within the flame
Who chance the sorrow and the shame
That always come with getting burned

But you got to be tough when consumed by desire
'Cause it's not enough just to stand outside the fire
We call them strong
Those who can face this world alone
Who seem to get by on their own
Those who will never take the fall

We call them weak
Who are unable to resist
The slightest chance love might exist

And for that forsake it all

They're so hell bent on giving, walking a wire
Convinced it's not living if you stand outside the fire

Chorus:
Standing outside the fire
Standing outside the fire
Life is not tried it is merely survived
If you're standing outside the fire

There's this love that is burning
Deep in my soul
Constantly yearning to get out of control
Wanting to fly higher and higher
I can't abide standing outside the fire

Repeat Chorus(twice)

I feel like a rung out washrag.

Friday I felt weird all day. Just out of sorts. Sleepy, groggy, nauseated etc.

I spent most of Friday night into early Saturday morning hugging the toilet.

Oh joy.

Since then I have felt so lethargic, walking across the house leaves me out of breath. ICK. I keep breaking out in sweats, if I didn't know better I would think I was going through menopause at 30.

Hoping tomorrow is a better day.

***********************************************************
Thursday J had visitation again. I sent a note with him. I really got a wild hair and sent four pictures of him. I had only intended on sending one but Allen and I couldnt choose which was the best. His bio sent back a very gracious reply. Truth be told I was excited to read it and then AFTER I read it I wished I hadn't.

*sigh*

I go from desperately wanting to loathe J's bio's to actually feeling sorry for them. Don't get me wrong, in my mind there is NO EXCUSE for what happened that put them in the position they are in. This is not their first "day at the rodeo" so to speak.


It is no one's fault but their own and they both should have known better.


On the other hand reading a letter saying things like "thank you so much for taking such good care of J, he is cleaner and happier since being moved to your home and we are so grateful" tends to make them more human and not just a "situation".

Does that make any sense?

I don't know it's just all very confusing and conflicting.

************************************************************

Delaney is going in for a bone marrow biopsy on Tuesday. We are all on edge about that and I am sure no one wants it to be over with more than my sister and my brother in law. Please pray that the test results come back fine and that little Delaney does not need any further blood draws or needle pokes.

******************************************************

I spoke with both the home health company and the insurance company about Makily's bed. They will NOT cover the sleep safe but they will cover a "fully electric home health bed". I looked up online this is the bed they approved.

Here it is:



When I saw it the first thing I said was "there is nothing on that bed to keep Makily in it!!" She said "oh well the rails would come with it and then directed me to the "safest" rails for Makily.
Here is a picture.

They picked those for Makily because they go the length of the bed, all the others are either half rails or less than that. These rails ARE NOT going to cut it and if they would have carefully read my letter they would have realized that. Makily will get wedged in between the bed and railing in NO TIME I can see it already. She is so wiggly at night I KNOW her tubes/wires/cords are going to get tangled and caught in that railing. For Heaven's sake she just fell out of the bed because SHE GOT WEDGED IN BETWEEN THE TODDLER RAIL AND MATTRESS AND BROKE THE TODDLER RAIL! Everytime she has been in the hospital in one of their beds I wake up to find her sideways in the bed with her arm/leg stuck between the bars/rails.

SO NOT SAFE!


Which is why we picked this bed.



See no rails, nothing for her cords and wires to get tangled into, no way for her to wedge herself in between anything.

At this point I have to write a letter of appeal and I will include pictures of Makily all tangled up in her wiring/tubing. Hopefully I will be able to catch her wedged in her bed....isn't that horrible that I hope to catch that? I should have taken a picture the last time but I was so mortified I didn't.

Right now she is sleeping in a toddler bed and I am sleeping in her big bed when Daddy is out of town for work. J sleeps in his room in his crib. We figured if Makily falls out of the toddler bed at least she is only falling a foot rather than falling from the height of a twin bed. She has already found ways to wiggle down past the rail on that and I went in last night finding her halfway in and halfway out of the bed...


...................................WHY DID NT I TAKE A PICTURE? ACK DANG IT!

Do you ever notice that when you go on vacation....

....sometimes you come back more tired than you did before you went!?

We took the kids to MGM Studios over the weekend and stayed in a hotel in Orlando with the Teals. As soon as we got to MGM it started POURING rain. I was not surprised since this is our luck. We waited it out a bit and luckily it cleared up enough for us to get over to "The Little Mermaid" show that Makily LOVES. Trishtwo held her for the show and I watched Makily more than I watched the show. I can't tell you how happy it makes me to see her going crazy happy like that. It makes me cry every time. I am a huge sap (and it does not help that CD one was Monday by the way that's code stolen from Michelle for all the ladies). Then we went to "Playhouse Disney". Makily really liked that. Daddy stood her up and helped her some and she watched the majority of the show like that. I was so proud of her. Baby J could have cared less though and was more interested in eating than anything else!

Makily watching Playhouse Disney and TOTALLY ignoring me in the background feeding J.


Makily again watching playhouse Disney (check her hair...Daddy did it :-)


Sunday we spent most of the day at the pool and I have the MASSIVE sunburn on my back to show for it. It is sore and itchy and I am way old enough to know better. I am pretty sure it was the first time Baby J had gone swimming and he really had a good time. He did not like to get out of the floaty though, the water was too cold.

Baby J in the stroller by the pool waiting to go for a dip


Makily loved the water as always. I spent a lot of time floating around with her singing our song (You are my sunshine). She laughed and giggled and made sweet Makily noises. There are moments I have with her that the whole world disappears and it's just me and Makily, I had many of those in the pool on Sunday. :-)

She wore her floppy sun hat and so the sun didn't seem to bother her much. I got a little choked up wondering how much longer I will be able to float around with her like that. She is getting so big. She's 32+ lbs, and while that does not sound too terribly heavy it is when you are carrying a hypotonic child that gives you minimal help. It makes me sad that I can't just pick her up and go anymore. I find myself sweating after a few minutes of carrying her. I know this will only get worse and that really breaks my heart.

GOD PLEASE LET HER LEARN TO WALK.

Both kids got sleepy after swimming for a while and took a little nap




Sunday night we went to Old Town. It was fun. We took Baby J on the carousel and he LOVED IT. I let him ride a horse and I held onto him. He giggled most of the time. I think Makily was tired though because she acted like she would have rather been sleeping.

I have to say that Allen and Baby J have really bonded. I was worried at first that Allen was having second thoughts that first week he was here. He was stand offish and I know it was because he is/was afraid. Now they are like two peas in a pod and they really love each other. It gives me a lump in my throat. Allen carries him around in the sling without a second thought.

I love this picture.


I also go back and forth and back and forth on my opinion on whether or not we will end up with Baby J. One day I will be totally confident and then the next day I find myself saying "what if this or what if that". I am really pushing myself to be realistic and accept that he can be taken away from us. He has been with us almost a month now and he has totally blended into our family. A stranger came up to me in the store the other day and told me how adorable J is and that he has my eyes. I just smiled and said thank you.

I found this poem the other day and the words rang so true for me. Although I do not know how dedicated J's bio mom is to getting him back I do know that deep down she loves him and this touched me deeply.

This is exactly how I feel.

He's Not Mine


I have to remember~~
When he's laying there peacefully asleep next to me,
He's not mine-

She loves him too
When he smiles that smile that makes me fall in love with him more,
He's not mine-

She loves him too

When he gazes at me with those beautiful blue eyes,
He's not mine-
She loves him too

When I hold him tightly in my arms,
He's not mine-
She loves him too

When he lays his weary head on my breast,
He's not mine-
She loves him too

When I whisper "I love you"
He's not mine-
She loves him too

For the moment I'm the lucky one he's with… but, he's not mine.

I know one day soon he'll leave me and go back to her,
and I can only hope that he'll think of me ~~

I know I'll be thinking of him~

No matter how much I love him; no matter
how much I care it won't change the fact ~

He's not mine…

He has a mother who loves him, she loves him enough to try to work her problems out~
She loves him enough to try to get her life straight so it's a safe place for him to be~
And me, I love him enough to take care of him while she's doing that~~ but then I have to love him enough to remember

He's not mine…

I have to love him enough to teach him the things he needs to know at this stage in his life, then let him go…

I have to love him enough to pray each night that he's safe and that I will have made some positive impact on his little life…

I have to love him enough to remember that no matter how much I love and adore him…

He's not mine…

Author Unknown



**Please continue to pray for my neice Delaney. Her blood work today was low again and we are now just awaiting an appointment for her to have a bone marrow biopsy. You can follow what is going on with her at my sister's blog. The link is in my link list to the right.**

TGIF, it's been a crazy week.

I'll start off with Thursday morning. JJ woke me up at 4 am. He ate a bottle and drifted in and out of sleep for a while after that. Makily started making sweet noises around 5 am. I start to walk to her room when I hear this loud noise and then her SCREAMING. I RUN in there and she has fallen out of the bed again...this time she BROKE THE TODDLER BED RAIL! She was sandwiched halfway on to the floor in between the bed and the rail. One end of the rail held up but the other broke.

Looking mischievous


All I could think was that I hate our insurance company and while they say Makily meets all the requirements for a "medical bed" that they do NOT cover the SleepSafe Bed.

What beds do they cover one might ask?

Well apparently it's a secret because no one at BCBS will tell me and they just keep repeating "Just submit the claim ma'am and if it's medically necessary we will pay it".

*sigh*

Transport was a half an hour late picking up J for visitation....which annoyed but did not surprise me.

I was told that J's bio mom said that she has noticed a difference in him the last several weeks. She says he is much happier and that she is grateful he is with wherever he was moved to this time.

That made me cry.

Of course there are many more details to all that, and I can't share them but some of the things that were said have left me feeling very confused toward her.

I am also now suffering from what I can only call "Foster Parent Paranoia".

I am locking and re-locking the doors. If someone looks at me funny and J is with me I am wondering if it's a relative or someone that knows his parents (when all reality they could be looking at me because I have poop smeared on my shirt or snot in my hair).

When I am here with the kids alone I don't answer the door unless it's the mail lady, UPS or someone I know. Today Allen was home and some 17 or 18 year old kid came knocking at the door. He told Allen his mom kicked him out of his house and he had nothing and wanted to mow our lawn. Then he asked Allen if he knew what it was like to have nothing and if we were in a recession? The kid fake cried a few times, Allen gave him the cash he had on him (which was a whopping two dollars, we are debit card users here) and he left. I watched him walk down the street and he did not go to any of the neighbors houses so I am wondering why he picked our house.

Ever since we got J I am suspicious of everything.

Wednesday I went with my sister Deborah for Delaney's 800th blood draw. Poor kid.

Delaney on Wednesday at Dr. Pierre's office. GOSH she looks like her Mamma.



She had not yet met J and let's just say SHE LOVED HIM. Micah thought he was pretty cool too and kept saying "oh he's so cute, that baby's cute!" Delaney smothered him with a billion kisses.




Micah looking so grown up!


She was INCREDIBLY brave for her blood draw. She cried but did not kick, fight or hit anyone. That totally impressed me because I vividly recall when I worked there being kicked, hit and smacked by children MUCH OLDER than Delaney for blood draws and shots. Our family sure makes tough babies huh?



Delaney's blood work came back low AGAIN so they are repeating the CBC for the 7th or 8th time (I lost count) on Tues and if it's abnormal AGAIN they will be doing a bone marrow biopsy on Wednesday which NONE of us look forward to. Please pray for my sister Deborah as she has SO MUCH stress on her already and with all that's going on with Delaney, it's very hard for her right now. You can check her blog for more details on what's going on. The link is to the right in the link list.

Tomorrow we are leaving for Orlando and taking Makily and J to the Disney Parks. Not sure which one but we are going. Sunday I think we are lounging by the pool. I can't wait. I need a tan.

No I won't smile, but I WILL stick my tongue out at you!


Plotting to take over the world!


How J Helps get Makily ready in the morning...he steals her shoe, chews on it while laughing at me screaming "where's your other shoe Makily??" Little Booger!

What is that smell!?

Between Makily and baby J, we have more poop than the sewer.

When I took the trash down to the street today, my heart went out to the garbage men who will have to collect our garbage. The stench was enough to make me gag. I don't know how two children can produce that much poop in a matter of THREE days.

I had de ja vue the other day.

I had changed J's diaper and was sitting on the couch with him. I kept smelling poop. I had taken his diaper and threw it outside our front door (yes, I am was too lazy to carry it down to the trash cans and leaving it there scares solicitors and unwanted people away LOL). I kept checking J's diaper thinking he had pooped again. He hadn't. I checked all the rooms, the trash to make sure there was no poopy diaper somewhere. This went on for almost an hour. It drove me nuts. Finally I look down and see, I have a poop smear on my shirt.

LOVELY.

I had this same exact experience with Makily when she was little. So J has peed on me twice now and smeared poop on my shirt. I guess I am officially broken in.

Makily and J are getting along nicely. He really likes her and they sit together on the floor often. If he is too close this is what he does:



Surprisingly Makily does not get mad right away. She only screams if I don't pry her hair out of his hand fast enough and BOY he's got a grip.

I have been putting her hair way up on her head a lot lately to keep him from pulling it.

I want to apologize for my blog slackin the last week or so. Going from one child to two is surely a challenge (although I love it) and I am still juggling how to divide up my time and not forget anything. I am resorting back to making lists for myself like I used to do when Makily was really little and very sickly.

Here's today's list:

1. Change cell phone plan
2. Take trash out and down to the street :-)
3. Blog
4. Take weekly shower (okay it's not that bad but close LOL)
5. Go to post office and mail the THREE packages that I have been meaning to mail for the past month (and yes Steph one of them is the one you have been on me about for a long time and I am so sorry, I love you though and will call you later to let you know it has gone.)
6. Call Makily's neuro for follow up appt
7. Call about the SleepSafe bed. I got an approval for a medical bed but NOT the sleepsafe so now I need to figure out what the heck to do.
8. Get J a bumbo seat tray from Target.
9. Do laundry and dishes
10. Collapse on floor.

I really am enjoying having two kids even though I am busier than before. Right now J is next to me in the walker, intensely watching my fingers type this entry. Every now and then he looks at the ball on his tray and screams as if to say "YOU ARE MINE". He is teething and slobbery right now. We had one REALLY bad day over the weekend but he's doing good now.

Makily is loving school as always and made me the SWEETEST Mother's Day card EVER! I will have to take pictures of it and post it. She is attending the Summer Program at school. It's Monday and Tuesdays 8-1. She will continue to get her therapies there and will have the same teacher.

That's all for now, enjoy the pictures.

Zonked out at Silver Springs last week


Allen and with a disguised Baby J in the sling. It takes a REAL MAN to carry a baby in a sling! :-)





I got my hair chopped and "streaked" on Friday. I really like it. It's easier to deal with and I think it's funky.....makes me feel a smidge younger too!

Adjusting

I am still alive.

We are still adjusting and getting into the groove of things.

Yesterday we took Makily (she played hooky from school) and JJ to Silver Springs. Makily fell asleep within the first 20 minutes.

Sleeping on Mommy at Silver Springs



JJ lasted about ten minutes longer than her! I guess they were not impressed!

On Sunday we went to the "Symphony Under the Stars". It was a Mother's Day special thing they do at the golf course. We had a great time.



We are having issues with transport and JJ's visitation. I told his case worker last week that I do not want to transport him anymore as the first time I did I was exposed to his parents when I had been assured that would not happen. I did it for her and I am hoping that she does not think it will be a regular thing. We will see.




There is a hearing on JJ in early July. As always I can't go into details but if things go our way we will be one step closer to being able to adopt him eventually. That's nerve wracking and exciting at the same time. As you can see he and Makily have become fast friends, I have some even cuter ones of them together but unfortunately I can't post those. Sorry.



Sorry this is such a short entry, JJ is wanting me to come play with him so I need to get off here. Just wanted to update everyone on how things are going.

One final note. My niece Delaney's blood work is still coming back abnormal. It's been this way now for three weeks and some of her counts are dropping even lower than before. They are wanting one more CBC next week and if it comes back low they will be scheduling at bone marrow biopsy which is NOT something any two year old should ever have to endure. Please pray that her levels go up and that she does not have to have that done.

You can visit my sister's site for more details at:

My Sister's blog


I wanted to add this to my entry today. I heard this song several weeks ago when Leona Lewis appeared on American Idol. I immediately liked it. I am a huge nerd and I try to relate myself to all songs I like. I had nothing in my life at the time that would relate to the lyrics to this one.

I heard this on the radio after I dropped JJ off to visitation on Tuesday.

I bawled all the way to the school to pick Makily up.

I relate to it now in a way I never thought I would.

I love this child like my own.

If they take him it is going to break my heart into a million peices. I only pray that God will give us the strength and grace to handle it. Also that we are strong enough to continue our journey to complete our family, although we desparately pray that JJ is the missing peice.

This is my song to little JJ.

Happy Mother's Day.

This Mother's Day is an amazing and emotional one for me.

To my babies.

My precious miracle Makily.

You are the child that changed me forever. The child I have watched fight from the brink of death more times than I like to admit. You are the child that has given me strength when I didn't think I had any left to give. You have shown me what Love really is. You have connected me to a circle of so many people that have enriched our lives. You have made me a better person. You have taught me what is important in life, your determination has given me hope when there was none to be found. You are the reason I was born. You ARE my purpose in life and ALL things in my world lead back to you somehow. Because of you I have done things I never would have thought I had the strength to even attempt.

YOU have led us to your baby brother.

You are my center, my love and my life.



Sweet Little J


My first foster baby, my first boy....my first son.

You have only been here a week and I love you like my own. While my heart aches with fear of the future, it soars when you smile at me. Already you know that I am "Mommy" and I am overwhelmed with joy because of that. I pray that God's plan is for you to stay with us forever. If you leave us, you will NEVER be forgotten and you will take a piece of my heart with you. You stole it when you happily smiled at me and immediately cuddled into my arms when we first met. You made it impossible not to attach myself to you, I never had a chance sweet one.


Being a mother is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

I am so thankful to God for giving us these two blessings.

I love this song. I am stealing it from Jen's blog today.

It's been a week...

....since JJ came home with us.

I am proud to say we have really started to get things down patt.

He was a bear all Tuesday night though. Didn't eat very well, was so clingy and started a three hour crying fit around 9 pm. I felt so bad for him because NOTHING seemed to help him. My biggest fear was that this was a "typical" behavior caused from "his past" (read between the lines okay) and so I was worried. He finally passed out with a bottle (that I had been trying to get him to eat for hours) around midnight. I sat down and did some research and I found that the Rotavirus vaccine can cause diarrhea and vomiting. He got that Tuesday morning so I think it's what made him so fussy, he did have diarrhea too.

As strange as this is, Makily LAUGHS....I mean BELLY LAUGHS when he cries.

She's a turd!

I am also REALLY trying to juggle when to pick him up and when to let him chill. He wants to be held all the time. He has been in several other homes before mine so I feel like I need to pick him up so he knows I am here for him. On the other hand I can't get anything done that way and it makes for a VERY spoiled little boy.

His social worker came over Wednesday and we chatted. She was impressed with him and how he is with me. He is very aware of where I am in the room if I am not holding him and she saw that he does not like it when I put him down. She said as long as I know him tummy is full and that his hiney is dry that I shouldn't pick him up every time. So we are working on that.

I borrowed an awesome baby sling from my friend Sarah today and HE LOVED IT. I ordered it online so when I am holding him I can at least get some other things done.

We have already totally fallen in love with this kid.



It's looking good on our end as far as keeping JJ long term. We are trying not to get our hopes up too high but what the social worker told me was VERY promising for us. All that being said things could change overnight when it comes to this sort of thing so we are VERY cautiously optimistic.

His cradle cap is pretty much gone now. YAY!

Makily had another field trip on Friday. It was to Chuckie Cheese. JJ and I went with her.

She rode several of the rides and had a BALL watching the crazy boys in her class dancing and being silly.

She is such a little peach.


It's amazing how she has become my big girl almost overnight. She honestly is my "easy" child if you can believe that one! She patts JJ when they sit together and today she was just talking and smiling at him.

They are too sweet together.

****By the way Keely, I LOOOOVED your suggestion to call JJ "Wilson" from Home Improvement. I swear I laughed OUT LOUD here in the den. That was hilarious! *****

**** Laurie....honey I have GOT to post that "Ken LEEEE" video on my blog. I know you love the name but I think we are sticking to JJ.*****
LOLOL

What day is it!?!?!?

WOW!

It's been CRAZY here at the Caldwells.

My babies are currently doing this:


and this.............


So I had a minute and though I would blog an update.

I have had a couple questions that I thought I would answer here.

First of all I do not plan on posting photos of JJ's face on my blog. Today you will get pictures of him and Makily, but your not gonna see his face. I hate it but we really need to protect ourselves. We do not want his bio's (biological family) to know where he is. Keeping our family safe is a priority and we do not wish to risk that in any way, shape or form. The fear is that a "friend of a friend of a friend" would see my blog and inform them of it. So as much as I hate it I can't post pictures of his GORGEOUS face. I can't really go into his background too much for the same reasons. We also want to protect his privacy as he may not stay with us forever.


ANYWAY!

Have I said it's been crazy here?

We are adjusting though.

Monday went incredibly smooth!

Tuesday was PACKED full, I didn't stop all day long it seemed like.

First off I got up at 5:30 , fed JJ a bottle, rocked him back to sleep, got Makily up and ready for school, packed her into the car with all her bags, got JJ out of the crib, into the car and we dashed off to school. Then I raced home, took a shower and made myself presentable. JJ and I went to the Health Dept for his well check and he got his four month shots (no fun poor baby). He has cradle cap (which I knew and was working on) and they said I could use Head and Shoulders on it....neat huh? The back of his head is also a little flat so we are doing lots of tummy time with him so he will have a nice round "charlie brown" head. :-)



Then I went to the WIC department and I was clueless. I had never been there before and to say I looked like an idiot is an understatement. JJ gets WIC since he is a foster baby and we have never had it before so I was lost. Got that done though.

After that I took JJ to visitation. I can't go into details for privacy reasons BUT I did come in contact with his bio's while there and I was NOT HAPPY. It was awkward and uncomfortable just as I had imagined it would be. I was assured this would not happen, it did, so now I am not taking him to visitation anymore. I tried, they screwed up, so now they have to find a transporter to take him. *sigh* I hate it but again we can't risk our family's privacy and safety.
Allen being the nice guy he is, is thinking about telling them HE will take him to visitation but only if they will change the day to WED's. We'll see.

While JJ was at visitation I rushed to get Makily from school, dropped her off at her Granny's (didn't want the bio's to see Makily) and picked JJ up. Then I picked Makily back up and came home. The respiratory company rep was here when I drove up to deliver Makily's c-pap mask. I made her help me get the kids out of the car and carry about 25 bags! LOLOLOL

I had been giving JJ Tylenol since he had his shots earlier in the day, they told me to give him 0.4 of a dropper. Well he spiked to 103.3 YIKES! Come to find out he should have been getting 0.8 (a whole dropper!). So I gave him the right dose, bathed him, (all the while he is crying from the temp) wrapped him in a towel when he decided it was time to pee on my lap. I moved him to my chest to dry my leg off when he peed on my chest.

LOVELY.

Allen walked in after all that and the house looked like a bomb had gone off in it. I was wet and peed on and poor JJ was naked, screaming in a towel. Makily though was the trooper sitting on the floor playing with her toys and giggling. I think JJ and Makily have plotted against me already!

Today was better. I got the house back in order. My Nanny came over and watched the kids while I cleaned and she also folded laundry for me. She is so sweet.

So while it's been crazy, we are adjusting and getting into a routine. Allen is taking Wed-Sun of next week off so that will be a big help.

The promised pictures:

Makily and JJ chatting it up.


She likes to play with his toes and feet

We are so blessed.

Things are going VERY well.

J.J. has adjusted AMAZINGLY. I take that back, he hasn't really had to adjust, he just fit right in from the get go. It's very strange and refreshing at the same time.

He has slept through BOTH nights that he has been here, in his crib. He is eating well also and has such a sweet personality. He is happy, giggly and very friendly. He loves it when you talk to him and has the cutest little squeals. He is also very strong, like a tiny ox! I finally got some time this morning to go through his things. I am a little disappointed with what he came with.....it's scanty to say the least. Most of the clothing was too small or too big, some of it was stained or ratty. We are building up his wardrobe. I had SO MUCH fun shopping for him yesterday. He and Makily are going to be the best dressed babies in Florida!

It's funny because when we were called about him my biggest concern with taking him was what his temperment would be like because of his past. I was terribly afraid he would be excessively cranky, moody and unhappy. Allen and I struggled with that issue back and forth and decided to go for it anyway.

We are so happy we did. I read through the majority of his file last night, it made me very sad. Sometimes life is incredibly unfair and it makes me sad that some babies get such a rough start even before they are born. It's amazing to know what his life has been like, what kind of start he had and then to see him so happy and sweet.

Babies are resilient.

He fits right in with our family.....Makily's a fighter and so is he.

This morning I put him in the bumbo seat next to Makily on the floor. She kept patting on him and smiling. She really likes him and he likes her too. I can't get over how "okay" with it Makily has been. We are trying to give her extra attention so she does not feel left out at all. Honestly though she seems totally fine like nothing has happened.

We are trying to get into a routine and I know tomorrow will be the test because I will have both kids by myself. Makily has to go to school in the morning, then I have to take J.J. to the doctor (A doctor visit is required within 72 hours of a placement for obvious legal reasons).

For obvious reasons everyone is trying to guard their hearts. Myself included but I am not sure how good of a job I am doing with that. My hope and prayer is that if he does go back home that we will be able to deal with it gracefully and continue to help other babies that need and deserve the love J.J. does.

Pray for our family, continue to pray for Makily and pray for little J.J.

IT'S A BOY!

We picked him up today. He is four and a half months old.

For blog purposes we are going to call him J.J.

He is ADORABLE and sweet as pie.

I walked in the door and said "Hi Baby" and he grinned and then came right to me.

I almost cried right there.

I'm in so much trouble!

He's on a great schedule. I am told that he sleeps through the night and he is sleeping as I blog right now.

Makily seems to like him already. We all sat on the floor when we got home. J.J. and Makily cooed, giggled and smiled at each other. I cried again. It was really cool to see how quickly she took to him. She kept holding on to his little foot and smiling at me.

So far his temperment is AMAZING considering his background (which for legal reasons I can't go into here....sorry). He just lights up when you talk to him and makes the cutest little squeals.

I know that there are many unknowns and that things may not work out how I would like but for now.....for tonight I am just going to relish in the Joy of this sweet baby boy.

Life is good.

Thank you God.

All over the place.

If you recall I submitted all the paperwork OVER A MONTH ago (March 17th) for Makily to get a Sleep Safe Bed. I called Apria (the home health company) two weeks ago and spoke with a lady named...well we'll call her Nicky.

She says:

"Mrs. Caldwell I submitted that THE SAME day you sent it to us.....I LOVE a challenge, I am going to stay right on top of this, the insurance company won't even talk to us about this until it's been 30 days so I am putting it on my calendar to call them when 30 days is up"

Inside I laughed, I've heard that song and dance before but whatever.

So it's been over a month now, I call BCBS, of course they say they have no idea what the heck I am talking about. I call Nicky back at Apria and she says "Who did you talk to customer service"? I say "uhm, yeah who else would I talk to?" She replies with "I need to call this other dept, they will know about it". I ask her for that dept's number and she says she will call them for me THAT MOMENT.

FINE.

I don't hear back from her the rest of the day.

I call the next morning and she says they told her the same thing, they don't have it.

So I have waited A MONTH ON NOTHING!

To top that off, it will be at least another month for them to review it and of course deny us.


Nice huh?

I asked her if she spoke with anyone when she originally sent it and she said "I usually don't, typically I just fax it over to them".

God forbid she call and MAKE SURE they got the fax and that it was being taken care of.

She said she "re-sent it" and that if I would like she would "put it on her calendar" to check on it in two days.

I laughed at her and said:

"No offense but that's what you said to me the first time I called, you never checked on it and if it weren't for the fact THAT I CALLED, I would still be sitting here waiting and they STILL wouldn't have it, so thanks, but no thanks, I will continue to take care of it myself because that's the only way I know that it's going to get done".

I didn't even give her a chance to say anything back I just hung up.

I am so tired of having to go behind people to make sure things get done for Makily. It makes it very hard for me to be nice and pleasant.

On a good note the CEO of Sleep Safe Beds contacted me via email. His wife found my blog. He said that if we have problems getting coverage to call his office. They have someone there who specializes in working with the insurance companies and getting things paid for. I was really impressed that they contacted me. It was really cool!

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We are still waiting for a placement. I talked to the Director of our agency today. She is very, very nice and I thanked her for all of her help. Once her and the director of licensing found out about the struggles we had been having in getting our license, they took over and we were licensed within two weeks. We got the hard copy of our license in the mail yesterday. I am so framing it. She (the director) went into the placement office while we were on the phone to ensure they had our names and check to see if they had any babies. None for Marion County right now so we just are playing the waiting game. I sleep with the phone, waiting for the call. Allen and I are reallllllly excited.

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Delaney developed what my sister thought was the chicken pox (chickie pops as Delaney calls them) last night. We were actually happy because that would have explained the abnormal blood work. Her big brother Micah asked my sister if Delaney got "chickie pops" because she at too much chicken.


Too cute.

She took her in to Dr. Pierre today and, it's not chicken pox. We don't know what it is. For now we are calling it a "viral rash" but she is not showing any other symptoms of anything else. Since she has the rash Dr. Pierre is waiting to repeat the blood work until Tuesday now. Gotta love the waiting game.

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Makily has a finger infection. Every now and then the tips of her fingers will get red. I assume it's from always have them in her mouth. Typically it will go away within a day or so. Well this time her middle finger got really HOT and inflamed, the skin started peeling, then I noticed her ring finger was starting to blister. I took her in to see Dr. Pierre and it's infected. (I swear between Makily and her cousins we keep her in business huh?) We soaked her hand in Epsom salt water and she thought it was bath time. She "splishy splashed" her and me the entire time. It looks much better today and she is on antibiotics for it.

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Sorry for the lack of really new pictures. I still have not gotten another flash drive and my computer has almost zero memory left. I have gotten rid of everything I don't use and so I know it's the fact that I have a BAZILLION pictures on here. Hopefully I will have it taken care of by next week though!