Standing Outside The Fire.

I have ALWAYS loved this song.

I remember as a teenager watching this video and it made me cry (big surprise right?).

When Makily was born it meant even more to me for obvious reasons.

Makily taught me that the things in our lives that are the hardest and most painful are almost always the things that eventually bring us the most joy and teach us the most important lessons (even though when the "fire is at it's hottest" I may not always see it that way).

Today I had a meeting that has shaken my confidence in whether or not we will be able to eventually adopt little J. All hope is certainly NOT lost by any means but there is yet another obstacle that may possibly get in our way.

I cried about it for a while.

I had some pretty nasty internal dialogue with myself.

It went a little like this (I have edited it for graphic language):

"What the heck were you thinking? You knew going into this how uncertain it was. You knew it was very possible you would bond with a child and have them ripped from you. You knew it would hurt. Why are you so stupid to have put yourself and your family in this mess? What are you going to do if you loose him?"

This berating of myself went on for a while.

Then when I realized that even if they take J from us, I wouldn't take it back.

I would throw myself right back into the fire for him.

Just like I wouldn't take Makily back.

She is worth every tear, every ounce of depression I suffered, every angry moment that I asked God where he was and every second that I sat in the hospital with her wondering how long she would live.

Both of MY children are worth every second of pain I have suffered to have them in my life.

I will gladly jump back into the fire to keep BOTH of my babies with my as long as I possibly can.

I love you J and sweet Makily.


Standing Outside the Fire:

We call them cool
Those hearts that have no scars to show
The ones that never do let go
And risk it the tables being turned

We call them fools
Who have to dance within the flame
Who chance the sorrow and the shame
That always come with getting burned

But you got to be tough when consumed by desire
'Cause it's not enough just to stand outside the fire
We call them strong
Those who can face this world alone
Who seem to get by on their own
Those who will never take the fall

We call them weak
Who are unable to resist
The slightest chance love might exist

And for that forsake it all

They're so hell bent on giving, walking a wire
Convinced it's not living if you stand outside the fire

Chorus:
Standing outside the fire
Standing outside the fire
Life is not tried it is merely survived
If you're standing outside the fire

There's this love that is burning
Deep in my soul
Constantly yearning to get out of control
Wanting to fly higher and higher
I can't abide standing outside the fire

Repeat Chorus(twice)