My God-Daughter/Niece Cameron (Trishtwo and Justin's oldest, she's four) had her first recital last night.
I was so excited to go. I love that sort of thing, always have. I knew there may be a few moments that may tug at my heart....but the one that really got me was one I didn't even think of.
Cameron came out dressed like a Princess in her pink costume. It was so adorable, I really just wanted to eat her up.
They did a little dance to a song called "Lullaby" and it was incredibly sweet. I was proud at how well I was holding it together, I mean I was a little choked up but not for the reasons I thought I would be. Seeing Trishtwo GLOW with tears in her eyes watching Cameron dance was so touching. Makily was peacefully sleeping on my lap......I did wish she could have been up there with Cameron but I was handling it well.
They finished their dance and Trishtwo and I wiped our faces and said "OMG that was so sweet".
It was a total girl moment.
Makily woke up from the applause and I sat her up on my lap.
The next dance started it was ballet also. The girls were a little older.
Makily LOVED IT.
She was kicking her feet, smiling, giggling and squeaking her shoes like a mad woman. I thought maybe it was just the song she liked and that the dancing wasn't really what had her so excited.
She continued to intently watch the dancers on stage. She wanted to make sure everyone knew how much fun she was having.....she would smack Trishtwo to get her to look at her and then grin like a maniac.
When the third act started and Makily continued with her squealing, grinning and laughing I realized it wasn't just the music, she was REALLY enjoying the dancing.
I felt that familiar feeling in my heart.
The feeling of a four year old wound, that will never heal, breaking open again.
I buried my face in Makily's hair and tried to hide the fact that I was bawling.
I quickly realized that there wasn't much hiding it.
I looked over at Trishtwo and in a choked voice said:
"Ya know, she would have really enjoyed this".
Trishtwo threw her arm around Makily and I and she cried with me.
The more excited Makily got the harder I cried. I finally got it together by the fourth (okay fifth) dance and was able to really enjoy the rest.
Near the end I noticed Allen watching Makily, then I saw his face drop in the same way mine had earlier. I knew immediately he was thinking the same thing and it broke my heart.
I never even thought about Makily watching the dancers in delight. I never thought she would have cared one way or the other. Seeing her so BLATANTLY loving it broke my heart for her.
What I wouldn't do to see my sweet girl in a pink tutu on stage.
*sigh*
GOD, THIS IS SO HARD.
Luckily the second half of the recital was tear free. Makily did have to include her input one way or the other. There was a group of older girls that did a "modern dance" that freaked me out a little. It was a little too "tribal/voodoo" for my taste. The last 30 seconds or so of the dance was supposed to be very dramatic. It was one lone dancer on the stage, the back ground was BLOOD RED and the music had ended, it was DEAD silent. This girl is dancing (to no music) very intensely when all the sudden Makily kicks her feet together and squeaks her squeaky shoes.
It was SO LOUD it was all I could do not to bust out laughing.
I love it.
*************************************
I cut Makily's hair for the first time Friday. It's needed it for a long time but she hates anyone messing with her hair I didn't have the guts to take her to have it done. I just cut off an inch or two and it's much easier to manage and not as tangly. I would have tried a smidge more but she kept shaking her head no and I was afraid I may ruin it if I pushed it much more.
I saved it.
Makes me feel special that I was the first person to ever cut her hair.
********************************************
Little J is doing well. Rolling over, eating baby foods, it's all good! Still lots of uncertainty where he is concerned but there isn't much we can do about that right now. It's definitely a wait and see game, God is REALLY trying to teach me patience. I am finally getting it I guess but wow it's so hard.
Makily and J sitting together....their feet are so close in size it's weird. Tiny feet is really common in ES kids.
Makily is on the right, J is on the left.
Here's a video of Makily at the recital. Sorry the quality isn't that great. It was dark in the theatre and so this is the best we could get. She was happy and "dancing" along through the whole thing.
This video is of Makily and J together. He really likes her and is always trying to get to her. Makily let's him play with her bibs and her toys.
I was so excited to go. I love that sort of thing, always have. I knew there may be a few moments that may tug at my heart....but the one that really got me was one I didn't even think of.
Cameron came out dressed like a Princess in her pink costume. It was so adorable, I really just wanted to eat her up.
They did a little dance to a song called "Lullaby" and it was incredibly sweet. I was proud at how well I was holding it together, I mean I was a little choked up but not for the reasons I thought I would be. Seeing Trishtwo GLOW with tears in her eyes watching Cameron dance was so touching. Makily was peacefully sleeping on my lap......I did wish she could have been up there with Cameron but I was handling it well.
They finished their dance and Trishtwo and I wiped our faces and said "OMG that was so sweet".
It was a total girl moment.
Makily woke up from the applause and I sat her up on my lap.
The next dance started it was ballet also. The girls were a little older.
Makily LOVED IT.
She was kicking her feet, smiling, giggling and squeaking her shoes like a mad woman. I thought maybe it was just the song she liked and that the dancing wasn't really what had her so excited.
She continued to intently watch the dancers on stage. She wanted to make sure everyone knew how much fun she was having.....she would smack Trishtwo to get her to look at her and then grin like a maniac.
When the third act started and Makily continued with her squealing, grinning and laughing I realized it wasn't just the music, she was REALLY enjoying the dancing.
I felt that familiar feeling in my heart.
The feeling of a four year old wound, that will never heal, breaking open again.
I buried my face in Makily's hair and tried to hide the fact that I was bawling.
I quickly realized that there wasn't much hiding it.
I looked over at Trishtwo and in a choked voice said:
"Ya know, she would have really enjoyed this".
Trishtwo threw her arm around Makily and I and she cried with me.
The more excited Makily got the harder I cried. I finally got it together by the fourth (okay fifth) dance and was able to really enjoy the rest.
Near the end I noticed Allen watching Makily, then I saw his face drop in the same way mine had earlier. I knew immediately he was thinking the same thing and it broke my heart.
I never even thought about Makily watching the dancers in delight. I never thought she would have cared one way or the other. Seeing her so BLATANTLY loving it broke my heart for her.
What I wouldn't do to see my sweet girl in a pink tutu on stage.
*sigh*
GOD, THIS IS SO HARD.
Luckily the second half of the recital was tear free. Makily did have to include her input one way or the other. There was a group of older girls that did a "modern dance" that freaked me out a little. It was a little too "tribal/voodoo" for my taste. The last 30 seconds or so of the dance was supposed to be very dramatic. It was one lone dancer on the stage, the back ground was BLOOD RED and the music had ended, it was DEAD silent. This girl is dancing (to no music) very intensely when all the sudden Makily kicks her feet together and squeaks her squeaky shoes.
It was SO LOUD it was all I could do not to bust out laughing.
I love it.
*************************************
I cut Makily's hair for the first time Friday. It's needed it for a long time but she hates anyone messing with her hair I didn't have the guts to take her to have it done. I just cut off an inch or two and it's much easier to manage and not as tangly. I would have tried a smidge more but she kept shaking her head no and I was afraid I may ruin it if I pushed it much more.
I saved it.
Makes me feel special that I was the first person to ever cut her hair.
********************************************
Little J is doing well. Rolling over, eating baby foods, it's all good! Still lots of uncertainty where he is concerned but there isn't much we can do about that right now. It's definitely a wait and see game, God is REALLY trying to teach me patience. I am finally getting it I guess but wow it's so hard.
Makily and J sitting together....their feet are so close in size it's weird. Tiny feet is really common in ES kids.
Makily is on the right, J is on the left.
Here's a video of Makily at the recital. Sorry the quality isn't that great. It was dark in the theatre and so this is the best we could get. She was happy and "dancing" along through the whole thing.
This video is of Makily and J together. He really likes her and is always trying to get to her. Makily let's him play with her bibs and her toys.
10 comments:
I know exactly what you mean. It's always those unexpected moments that get me the most. Just when I think I'm prepared for everything, something will happen out of the blue that will just break my heart. The other day I missed a turn and had to go up to the local school and turn around. All the dads were walking their sons up to little league and I just started crying thinking that my Little J would love to be able to do that! What I wouldn't give to see my hubby be able to take his son to play baseball or any other sport he desired. Oy! I am so happy that Makily enjoyed the show. Keep smiling that just watching brought her so much joy! Hugs to you as always!
I so cried when i read that..I feel your pain, im not quite were you r. u have 3 more years on me.. I think makily is so special and beautiful and happy. that video of her was to cute she was dancing. thinking of you and makily..
I'm amazed at how quickly you pulled yourself together. Just the other day a psychologist talked to me about Katy and It took me two weeks to recover from depression. And my troubles havent been as difficult as yours! I wish you would write to me about how you reconcile with happiness so quickly.
I've had many of those moments...thinking about how much Kira would enjoy something or when a situation is hard for and easy for all the other kids....why is so hard for her? It's those moments that tear my heart apart.
I understand.
I have those moments too, and it's always the unexpected. It's hard from me to watch my first daughter dance, sing, be in the Christmas Pageant, her first ballet recital, run at gymnastics, and hold my second in my arms knowing that she'll never hold her head up again let alone do any of those things. It HURTS. I comfort myself with the knowlege that Marie will do it all in Heaven, and if I am patient one day when I get there I'll get to see her do it. But, somedays that's too much so I just cry.
God truely gave Makily a wonderful mother:)
tara said..
when you first told me all this in person i went into, "be strong for trish mode" b.c you started to tear up at granny's but i'm sure that didn't help. but i did cry a little bit reading this. i can't imagine how hard. but even though if she'll never dance onstage, she's a happy girl! and that's all that matters! you and allen LIVE for her happiness, and you have both done an incredible job. i still think she'll walk one day. and soon after that, allen will teach her some of his dance moves...tee hee
Well, I may have to stop reading cause I always end up crying. I know exactly how you feel. My niece is the same age as Grace and is now taking tap and ballet. I'm excited for her but so sad for Grace. I want to put her sister Sophie in dance class but can my heart handle one daughter dancing and the other watching and squealing with delight.
Ohhhh, adorable Trish. Makily is a dancing girl! She and Luke are so soul mates. Loved the J/M video with J falling over. So funny! Loved it all. Hugs honey,
A
Thanks for sharing! I can't imagine your pain. It did make my heart ache a bit but on the other hand it made me feel joy. Remember when Makily was first born and the terrible prognosis the doctors gave you guys? Its obvious that they were soooo wrong. Makily has so much going for her and who knows maybe one day she too will be on that stage in a pink tu-tu. Heck, why can't she where one now? Love you, J
I just found your blog tonight and can't stop reading. Although I probably should since it is making me cry. The love you have for her shows in every post.
I love the video of her dancing.
I am hoping that this is not out of line, but I would love to make her a tutu. Just because she is not on stage, does not mean that she could not wear one. Let me know what you think, sarastutus@hotmail.com
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