Awakenings.

The last two weeks I have watched Makily's eyes become brighter and she is smiling all the time.

It's funny that in the beginning all her weird quirky movements would have made me uneasy for fear someone would stare at her. And now, nearly eight years later, here I sit still writing in this blog....watching her rock and shake and grin wildly and it makes my heart soar because all these things mean Makily is happy.

That's all I want and need.

I've said so many times I just want to see Makily dance on stage in a tutu.

My Prima Ballerina.

She's sure got the legs for it. Long, thin, dancer legs. Each time someone comments on her ballerina legs inside I am cringing. Wishing they were legs that she would leap and jump gracefully with.

Then today....really just now as I am writing this I realize that dancing in a freaking tutu may be awesome. But how can that EVER.....EVER compare to what she can do and on top of that what she does without even being able to speak? My kid's videos and blog has comforted more people than I will ever probably know. THAT'S HUGE. That's humbling in ways that I can't even begin to express with words. I don't feel like I am "great" enough to have this blessing (and yes in sad times...this curse) bestowed on me. I'm just me....I obviously can do this but doing this nearly drove me crazy.

She though...she is a ray of light. She is the one thing on this earth that I can hold in my arms and just "be" with and in that moment EVERYTHING is alright. Nothing exists except she and I. It's like Xanax.......but without the side effects.

According to the doctors and statistics, Makily should have been miscarried, stillborn or died soon after she was born. The pulmonary hypertension SHOULD have and nearly did kill her. The overdose when she was six months old, I thought for sure that was it. Then the fucking seizure.......that's the closest I have felt....closest I have gone in my head to her actually dying.

All those things, and here she is sitting next to me in her chair, watching Fairly Odd Parents and grinning at me. That's a hero. THAT is strength. She is perfection........Makily will always be spiritually PERFECT. What more could I ask for?

Is it hard? Yes.

Would I have chosen this for her? Never, but Makily's journey on this earth is more powerful than most. She has these old eyes. She looks like she has been here before. Like she knows something I don't. Like she understands why her Mother is crazy....and she forgives me for it because she understands.

That sounds crazy. Maybe I am. Maybe IT is.

I've watched her in the last several days "awaken" from the haze of TWO seizure meds. We've nearly gotten her weaned off the Keppra and she is brighter, happier and much more engaging. I look at her and my heart swells I'm so proud. I'm so lucky she is still here. Science says I shouldnt have had her for this long.

Makily is showing them.

You keep showing them my girl.

Love Forever
Mommy.