Sweet Cheeks.

Last night Makily woke up from her nap with ROSY RED cheeks. Typically this means she has a fever. I checked and she was fine. She was in a GREAT mood. Auntie Liz teased her and she was giggling like crazy.

This makes me smile.









************************************************************

Dinner with my sister, brother in law, niece and nephew the other night.

I said "Delaney SMILE", this is what she did?


Then I said "Ugh no, try not looking like Popeye"...she wasn't amused.

Finally got a good one


Micah cheesin', he was in a great mood, he had just gone and seen "The Hulk" with Daddy.


Delaney wanted ALL the yeast rolls.


So that's the last couple of days here for us.

Not much more to say tonight except thanks for all the supportive comments I have been receiving lately. It really helps me in ways I can't describe. Next week is going to be better, I just know it.

I'll leave you with this. It's hard to make out, but it's a picture of my hair....with butter squished into it. Courtesy of Little J.

Reality Bites.

So I had mentioned a few entries back that the GAL would be meeting with J's bio's at visitation on Thursday. The plan was for her to explain to them that we would be willing to adopt J if they are not going to get him back.

Transport picked J up and then promptly brought him back less than 45 minutes later. I had laid down for a nap and honest to God thought I was dreaming that the door bell was ringing!

His parents cancelled 15 minutes before they were to be at visitation. They gave an incredibly LAME excuse that irritated me more than anything else. I won't share it here because again, that whole anonymity thing.

Initially I was happy for me....then as the transporter was handing J back to me, my heart sunk for him. I immediately wondered if when he is older if he will want to know why his parents didn't try harder to get him back.

I called the GAL and let her know so she didn't waste a trip. Obviously she didn't have "the talk" with them.

I am not sure if it is because of the fact that court is just days away or what but I have this impending feeling of dread. Part of me wanted to make sure that the bio's know we are willing to keep J before court. The GAL came for a visit today and she still is planning on speaking with them but who knows when she will actually be able to connect with them.

I have known from the get go that it's very possible J could be taken from us. I try not to dwell on it because I can't change it. I can only do what I am doing right now, today. This hearing coming up is forcing me to think about it and I don't like it. I know they won't be moving him anytime soon as the ICPC on the family member has to be completed but I am still on edge about it all.

**************************************************************

The other night I was sitting on the floor with Makily laying across my lap. I have held her that way more times than I can count. She was peacefully sleeping and looking like the angel she is. It was time to put her in bed and as I began to get up I realized, I can't do it anymore. This brings tears to my eyes just typing those words. My baby has become to heavy for me to get myself and her up off the floor at once. I tried and tried and then gave up for fear that I would drop her or hurt myself. I scooted over to the couch and laid her down. Then I sat and cried.

Last night Makily, J and I went shopping with Deborah and Delaney. We had to make a stop in the "family bathroom" for an all around diaper changing session. It was so hard changing Makily. I was sweating by the time I was done and she was whined the whole time. The bigger and older she gets the more I can't ignore the fact that my angel baby girl is profoundly disabled. Usually I can go about my daily life and not think about it but when things like this happen, I am forced to and I don't like it.

She is growing up and I can't do a thing to stop it.

***************************************************************

REALITY BITES.

**Am I am HUGE ray of SUNSHINE lately or what?**

I apologize for the glum nature of my posts lately. I have been telling myself I need to post another "Walmart Adventure" story or something light but I just haven't felt like it. This is my real life and sometimes it aint daisies and roses I guess.

God Gave Us You.

Every parent MUST have this book.

If you don't have it, GET IT.

Someone had bought it for us after Makily was born. To be honest it was almost a year before I even was able to think about books and reading to her. I hate it that Makily's first year was so stressful. I wish I could go back and not have been so crazy depressed.

ANYWAY....

I remember the first time read this book. I was laying in bed with Makily and just happened to pick that book to read for bedtime. As I read along it choked me up and to this day I still can't get through it without crying.

This part especially gets to me EVERY TIME for obvious reasons.

"Every night, I prayed for you, my special child, I prayed that your bones would be straight and your heart would be strong. But most of all, I prayed that someday you would love God"

I DID in fact pray all those things for Makily while I was carrying her. I remember driving to work rubbing my belly and telling her how much I loved her. I would say "Makily you have to grow big and strong so when you come out we can do all kinds of fun things".

Ironic huh?

While God didn't give Makily a strong heart, she was born loving him. He hand picked her to do a special job on this earth. I am so blessed she is mine.

I read this book to Makily every night these days.

She pats the book and squeals like crazy the whole time.

I like to believe she knows exactly what I am saying and that is why she gets so excited.

No one will convince me any different.

Anyone know of any good adoption or foster child books?

J needs one.

Update on how I am feeling.

I *think* I am on the road to recovery thank God!

I have actually been able to eat without puking or feel like I have to puke.

The dizziness has gotten better, the headaches are gone.

The shortness of breath is better. I am still getting winded easily but not as bad as it was.

I have all these appointments being scheduled for a pulmonologist, cardiologist etc but I don't even know if I should go now. It does not help that the doctor I am seeing has drug her feet on everything even when I called them crying saying "HELP I FEEL LIKE DEATH".

You would think that when the doctor mentions something like endocarditis to a 30 year old patient that she would be having things done that day or the next day but she really put me on the back burner and I don't like that. I have lost my faith in the majority of doctors at this point in my life.

It's sad really.

*sigh*

So who really knows what was going on with me. My guess is that it was mono/Epstein Barr coupled with a kidney infection. I noticed that the more I took the antibiotics for the kidney infection the better I was feeling.

Writing a Will.

**Disclaimer**:
This is a depressing post that may have some statements that could offend others. Please read with caution and as much understanding as you possibly can muster. Realize that this was written by a mother who loves her child more than she loves her self and that fears for her future every waking moment of her life.

So Allen and I have said to each other many, many times that we need to right a will.

We do.

Why have we avoided it like the plague you ask?

Well because when you are the parent of a special needs child, writing a will is enough to send you into total panic mode.

We talked about it in length last night while we were laying in bed.

Of course the biggest subject is what would happen to Makily.

The thought of her on this earth without Allen or I nauseates me.

Don't get me wrong, we have a ton of friends and family that love Makily dearly and that I would trust her with. In the end though NO ONE will do things like I do them or be able to connect with MY Makily like Allen and I do.

Is this about control?

To an extent for me it is.

Let's face it, I can't STAND to watch Allen do Makily's hair (when in reality I should thank my lucky stars I have a husband that WILL DO Makily's hair). It's not that he does it wrong, it's just not how I do it. Same with the way he gives her meds, sets up her bath etc etc. It's NOT wrong by any stretch of the imagination but it's not my way so it irks me. I have come a long way in the past four years though. I have learned to keep my big mouth shut and let him do it.

Even some paid professionals have made catastrophic mistakes with Makily. How on earth could I trust that she would be watched over like a Hawk when I am gone? I watched one nurse fumbling all over the place once trying to give Makily medication into her "balloon port" on her G tube. I quickly pointed out that was the wrong port. If you have been reading my blog for any length of time you will know all the lovely mistakes made at Shands Childrens Hospital too.

SCARY!

Of all the things in my life that torture me, the thought of my girl sitting alone somewhere in a "home" is the worst. What if she is just left to sit in a chair and stare at a wall all day? What if they don't feed her right or keep her clean?

Most of all what if she is not loved and what if she is lonely and sad.

The what if's go on until I am a hysterical, crying mess.

Like I said before we have family and MANY friends that love and adore Makily. I have to be brutally honest with myself though. Asking someone to take care of her after Allen and I are gone is a HUGE, life long responsibility that will NOT get easier. It will be forever.

I vividly recall the feeling I felt when I as her own mother realized the "foreverness" of caring for Makily.

I would be lying if I said it didn't scare the crap out of me and depress me down to my toe nails.

Let's face it wiping the butt of a 20 year old is not something one looks forward to.....

.......but it's my reality.

The reality that most people never have to or want to think about. It's easier to live in their cookie cutter, normal lives with blinders on (and yes that is me being very bitter that I had my blinders taken away four years ago).

It's the reality that I would be asking someone else to willingly take on.

That's a TERRIBLY hard thing to ask.....even if it's your own family member.

So when Allen and I discussed this I couldnt help but think of this story:

CLICK ME TO READ THE STORY

I can imagine the desperation that must have been going through this man's mind when he did what he did. Was it the right thing to do? Probably not, but I understand why he did it, and my heart breaks for his family.

This story also came to mind:

CLICK HERE TO READ THIS STORY

I actually saw a documentary on that story on MSNBC. They interviewed the mother and I sobbed while listening to her life's story. Her husband had Huntington's and she cared for him until she physically could not anymore. He died a horribly long, painful, slow death. Can you imagine as a mother KNOWING your two sons would meet the same fate? Can you imagine your sons BEGGING you to not make them live that way, that when they became that sick to please help them end it?

The weight of that must have been unbearable.

She looked much older than her years and like the saddest person on the earth.

I am not saying that suicide or assisted suicide is the answer to this type of problem AT ALL. I just want to show how lonely and scary it can be for a parent of a special needs child. I want to show people the side of parenting most people never see.

The quiet reality that many parents face and never talk about.

Allen and I are still undecided of what to put in our will about Makily. As awful as this may sound I actually told Allen that I don't think I could rest in peace knowing Makily was left on this earth without us. There is a part of me that prays the Lord takes her before Allen and I. While it would likely kill me, I would know that she was okay once I was gone. That she would only know love, never be lonely or sad and that she was always taken care of and never abused.

God will somehow send us the answer. We just have to wait and pray.

Life is hard.

Doctors, Doctors, Doctors.

Today my Nanny had a mastectomy.

She was diagnosed with breast cancer a little over two weeks ago. I have not spoken about this on my blog for personal reasons.

She is doing very well and was even sitting up this after noon. She is expected to go home in the morning as long as everything continues to go well.

Please pray for her recovery in the coming weeks.





I went back to the doctor today. My pulse is still high, I am still feeling VERY out of breath and fatigued at just doing simple things. I am breaking out in sweats and it's not getting much better. I took a shower today and was so tired afterwards I thought I would pass out. It's starting to really get on my nerves.

My blood work was good except for a few things. My potassium was low so they are going to supplement me with that.

My liver enzyme's were elevated (not sure why).

I tested positive for the IgG and IgM Epstein Barr Virus. Strangely enough though I was negative on the mono test so that is leaving us all scratching our heads...including my doctor. I have read a little and from what I see having elevated liver enzymes and testing positive for the IgG and IgM means that you either HAVE or VERY recently had Mono. I am no doctor though.

Since my doctor does not really know what is going on she has set up a ton more blood work, an abdominal u/s, an echocardiogram and a chest x-ray. None of which scares me at this point I just want to know what the heck is wrong with me so I can feel better. I can't stand to be cooped up like this, it's driving me crazy.

This will be gross.

Ya know what sucks?

Choosing what to eat by how horrible it will taste coming back up.

Advice to all:

Lemon-Lime Gatorade is VERY unpleasant coming back up. That mixed with two partially dissolved pills is enough to make for a never ending puke session. Believe me...I know.

Salsa is HORRIBLE!
(that was at the start of this funk when I didn't realize I was going to be puking often)

Dr. Pepper isn't so bad.
In fact if I had to pick something to puke, I'd pick that.

I have not heard back from the doctor so I assume that I don't have some horrible disease that will land me in the hospital.

*knock on wood*

My headaches haven't been near as bad today and I was able to half way clean up the living room before I got out of breath. I still feel winded all the time....like I just got done running but I haven't done anything.

Makily and I are watching "America's Got Talent" and she so loved the 80 year old lady with the curly hair tap dancing.

Can you tell I am delirious!?

**Does that Ziggy cartoon at the top TOTALLY represent my entire life or what!?**

Been feeling crummy.....

I had missed two days of my meds (Effexor) and then got a nasty stomach bug. I kept chalking up how bad I felt to the fact that I had missed my meds. The withdrawl from Effexor is HORRID, google it and you will be shocked (something I knew nothing about before I started taking it of course).

It didn't make much sense though because it's been more than two weeks since I missed a dose.

I FINALLY went to the doctor today after calling my mother crying saying "ack what to do".

Yes at 30 I still need my mommy to say "go to the doctor you fool!"

She came over, stayed with the kids and I went to the doctor.

She does NOT think the way I feel has ANYTHING to do with my Effexor.....been to long since I missed a dose.

I am dizzy, TIRED, nauseaus, short of breath, my heart is pounding, I am breaking out in sweats and I have a massive headache that won't quit.

My resting heart rate was 120ish (high), my blood pressure was high, EKG was slightly abnormal, and my pee was dark and "icky" for which I was given Cipro (once again I have crossed the line in sharing the color of my pee with my blog readers, forgive me). I have no "pee pain" or kidney pain so go figure.

She ordered a ton of blood work and says that all my symptoms point to endocarditis. She said the blood work would be back tomorrow and she could tell me more. She also checked me for Epstein Barr and Mono (I thought that was one in the same though?).

So that's where I have been. Hopefully it's something simple that will clear up quickly and easily. I am praying it is NOT endocarditis because that requires IV antibiotics and well I just don't have time for all that.

In the wise words of Garth Brooks:

I am much to young to feel this damn old.



Hopefully I will be back to my regularly blogging schedule very soon.

"She would have really enjoyed this".

My God-Daughter/Niece Cameron (Trishtwo and Justin's oldest, she's four) had her first recital last night.

I was so excited to go. I love that sort of thing, always have. I knew there may be a few moments that may tug at my heart....but the one that really got me was one I didn't even think of.

Cameron came out dressed like a Princess in her pink costume. It was so adorable, I really just wanted to eat her up.



They did a little dance to a song called "Lullaby" and it was incredibly sweet. I was proud at how well I was holding it together, I mean I was a little choked up but not for the reasons I thought I would be. Seeing Trishtwo GLOW with tears in her eyes watching Cameron dance was so touching. Makily was peacefully sleeping on my lap......I did wish she could have been up there with Cameron but I was handling it well.




They finished their dance and Trishtwo and I wiped our faces and said "OMG that was so sweet".

It was a total girl moment.

Makily woke up from the applause and I sat her up on my lap.

The next dance started it was ballet also. The girls were a little older.

Makily LOVED IT.

She was kicking her feet, smiling, giggling and squeaking her shoes like a mad woman. I thought maybe it was just the song she liked and that the dancing wasn't really what had her so excited.



She continued to intently watch the dancers on stage. She wanted to make sure everyone knew how much fun she was having.....she would smack Trishtwo to get her to look at her and then grin like a maniac.

When the third act started and Makily continued with her squealing, grinning and laughing I realized it wasn't just the music, she was REALLY enjoying the dancing.

I felt that familiar feeling in my heart.

The feeling of a four year old wound, that will never heal, breaking open again.

I buried my face in Makily's hair and tried to hide the fact that I was bawling.

I quickly realized that there wasn't much hiding it.

I looked over at Trishtwo and in a choked voice said:

"Ya know, she would have really enjoyed this".

Trishtwo threw her arm around Makily and I and she cried with me.

The more excited Makily got the harder I cried. I finally got it together by the fourth (okay fifth) dance and was able to really enjoy the rest.

Near the end I noticed Allen watching Makily, then I saw his face drop in the same way mine had earlier. I knew immediately he was thinking the same thing and it broke my heart.

I never even thought about Makily watching the dancers in delight. I never thought she would have cared one way or the other. Seeing her so BLATANTLY loving it broke my heart for her.

What I wouldn't do to see my sweet girl in a pink tutu on stage.

*sigh*

GOD, THIS IS SO HARD.


Luckily the second half of the recital was tear free. Makily did have to include her input one way or the other. There was a group of older girls that did a "modern dance" that freaked me out a little. It was a little too "tribal/voodoo" for my taste. The last 30 seconds or so of the dance was supposed to be very dramatic. It was one lone dancer on the stage, the back ground was BLOOD RED and the music had ended, it was DEAD silent. This girl is dancing (to no music) very intensely when all the sudden Makily kicks her feet together and squeaks her squeaky shoes.

It was SO LOUD it was all I could do not to bust out laughing.

I love it.


*************************************

I cut Makily's hair for the first time Friday. It's needed it for a long time but she hates anyone messing with her hair I didn't have the guts to take her to have it done. I just cut off an inch or two and it's much easier to manage and not as tangly. I would have tried a smidge more but she kept shaking her head no and I was afraid I may ruin it if I pushed it much more.

I saved it.



Makes me feel special that I was the first person to ever cut her hair.

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Little J is doing well. Rolling over, eating baby foods, it's all good! Still lots of uncertainty where he is concerned but there isn't much we can do about that right now. It's definitely a wait and see game, God is REALLY trying to teach me patience. I am finally getting it I guess but wow it's so hard.

Makily and J sitting together....their feet are so close in size it's weird. Tiny feet is really common in ES kids.
Makily is on the right, J is on the left.


Here's a video of Makily at the recital. Sorry the quality isn't that great. It was dark in the theatre and so this is the best we could get. She was happy and "dancing" along through the whole thing.

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

This video is of Makily and J together. He really likes her and is always trying to get to her. Makily let's him play with her bibs and her toys.

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Standing Outside The Fire.

I have ALWAYS loved this song.

I remember as a teenager watching this video and it made me cry (big surprise right?).

When Makily was born it meant even more to me for obvious reasons.

Makily taught me that the things in our lives that are the hardest and most painful are almost always the things that eventually bring us the most joy and teach us the most important lessons (even though when the "fire is at it's hottest" I may not always see it that way).

Today I had a meeting that has shaken my confidence in whether or not we will be able to eventually adopt little J. All hope is certainly NOT lost by any means but there is yet another obstacle that may possibly get in our way.

I cried about it for a while.

I had some pretty nasty internal dialogue with myself.

It went a little like this (I have edited it for graphic language):

"What the heck were you thinking? You knew going into this how uncertain it was. You knew it was very possible you would bond with a child and have them ripped from you. You knew it would hurt. Why are you so stupid to have put yourself and your family in this mess? What are you going to do if you loose him?"

This berating of myself went on for a while.

Then when I realized that even if they take J from us, I wouldn't take it back.

I would throw myself right back into the fire for him.

Just like I wouldn't take Makily back.

She is worth every tear, every ounce of depression I suffered, every angry moment that I asked God where he was and every second that I sat in the hospital with her wondering how long she would live.

Both of MY children are worth every second of pain I have suffered to have them in my life.

I will gladly jump back into the fire to keep BOTH of my babies with my as long as I possibly can.

I love you J and sweet Makily.


Standing Outside the Fire:

We call them cool
Those hearts that have no scars to show
The ones that never do let go
And risk it the tables being turned

We call them fools
Who have to dance within the flame
Who chance the sorrow and the shame
That always come with getting burned

But you got to be tough when consumed by desire
'Cause it's not enough just to stand outside the fire
We call them strong
Those who can face this world alone
Who seem to get by on their own
Those who will never take the fall

We call them weak
Who are unable to resist
The slightest chance love might exist

And for that forsake it all

They're so hell bent on giving, walking a wire
Convinced it's not living if you stand outside the fire

Chorus:
Standing outside the fire
Standing outside the fire
Life is not tried it is merely survived
If you're standing outside the fire

There's this love that is burning
Deep in my soul
Constantly yearning to get out of control
Wanting to fly higher and higher
I can't abide standing outside the fire

Repeat Chorus(twice)

I feel like a rung out washrag.

Friday I felt weird all day. Just out of sorts. Sleepy, groggy, nauseated etc.

I spent most of Friday night into early Saturday morning hugging the toilet.

Oh joy.

Since then I have felt so lethargic, walking across the house leaves me out of breath. ICK. I keep breaking out in sweats, if I didn't know better I would think I was going through menopause at 30.

Hoping tomorrow is a better day.

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Thursday J had visitation again. I sent a note with him. I really got a wild hair and sent four pictures of him. I had only intended on sending one but Allen and I couldnt choose which was the best. His bio sent back a very gracious reply. Truth be told I was excited to read it and then AFTER I read it I wished I hadn't.

*sigh*

I go from desperately wanting to loathe J's bio's to actually feeling sorry for them. Don't get me wrong, in my mind there is NO EXCUSE for what happened that put them in the position they are in. This is not their first "day at the rodeo" so to speak.


It is no one's fault but their own and they both should have known better.


On the other hand reading a letter saying things like "thank you so much for taking such good care of J, he is cleaner and happier since being moved to your home and we are so grateful" tends to make them more human and not just a "situation".

Does that make any sense?

I don't know it's just all very confusing and conflicting.

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Delaney is going in for a bone marrow biopsy on Tuesday. We are all on edge about that and I am sure no one wants it to be over with more than my sister and my brother in law. Please pray that the test results come back fine and that little Delaney does not need any further blood draws or needle pokes.

******************************************************

I spoke with both the home health company and the insurance company about Makily's bed. They will NOT cover the sleep safe but they will cover a "fully electric home health bed". I looked up online this is the bed they approved.

Here it is:



When I saw it the first thing I said was "there is nothing on that bed to keep Makily in it!!" She said "oh well the rails would come with it and then directed me to the "safest" rails for Makily.
Here is a picture.

They picked those for Makily because they go the length of the bed, all the others are either half rails or less than that. These rails ARE NOT going to cut it and if they would have carefully read my letter they would have realized that. Makily will get wedged in between the bed and railing in NO TIME I can see it already. She is so wiggly at night I KNOW her tubes/wires/cords are going to get tangled and caught in that railing. For Heaven's sake she just fell out of the bed because SHE GOT WEDGED IN BETWEEN THE TODDLER RAIL AND MATTRESS AND BROKE THE TODDLER RAIL! Everytime she has been in the hospital in one of their beds I wake up to find her sideways in the bed with her arm/leg stuck between the bars/rails.

SO NOT SAFE!


Which is why we picked this bed.



See no rails, nothing for her cords and wires to get tangled into, no way for her to wedge herself in between anything.

At this point I have to write a letter of appeal and I will include pictures of Makily all tangled up in her wiring/tubing. Hopefully I will be able to catch her wedged in her bed....isn't that horrible that I hope to catch that? I should have taken a picture the last time but I was so mortified I didn't.

Right now she is sleeping in a toddler bed and I am sleeping in her big bed when Daddy is out of town for work. J sleeps in his room in his crib. We figured if Makily falls out of the toddler bed at least she is only falling a foot rather than falling from the height of a twin bed. She has already found ways to wiggle down past the rail on that and I went in last night finding her halfway in and halfway out of the bed...


...................................WHY DID NT I TAKE A PICTURE? ACK DANG IT!

Do you ever notice that when you go on vacation....

....sometimes you come back more tired than you did before you went!?

We took the kids to MGM Studios over the weekend and stayed in a hotel in Orlando with the Teals. As soon as we got to MGM it started POURING rain. I was not surprised since this is our luck. We waited it out a bit and luckily it cleared up enough for us to get over to "The Little Mermaid" show that Makily LOVES. Trishtwo held her for the show and I watched Makily more than I watched the show. I can't tell you how happy it makes me to see her going crazy happy like that. It makes me cry every time. I am a huge sap (and it does not help that CD one was Monday by the way that's code stolen from Michelle for all the ladies). Then we went to "Playhouse Disney". Makily really liked that. Daddy stood her up and helped her some and she watched the majority of the show like that. I was so proud of her. Baby J could have cared less though and was more interested in eating than anything else!

Makily watching Playhouse Disney and TOTALLY ignoring me in the background feeding J.


Makily again watching playhouse Disney (check her hair...Daddy did it :-)


Sunday we spent most of the day at the pool and I have the MASSIVE sunburn on my back to show for it. It is sore and itchy and I am way old enough to know better. I am pretty sure it was the first time Baby J had gone swimming and he really had a good time. He did not like to get out of the floaty though, the water was too cold.

Baby J in the stroller by the pool waiting to go for a dip


Makily loved the water as always. I spent a lot of time floating around with her singing our song (You are my sunshine). She laughed and giggled and made sweet Makily noises. There are moments I have with her that the whole world disappears and it's just me and Makily, I had many of those in the pool on Sunday. :-)

She wore her floppy sun hat and so the sun didn't seem to bother her much. I got a little choked up wondering how much longer I will be able to float around with her like that. She is getting so big. She's 32+ lbs, and while that does not sound too terribly heavy it is when you are carrying a hypotonic child that gives you minimal help. It makes me sad that I can't just pick her up and go anymore. I find myself sweating after a few minutes of carrying her. I know this will only get worse and that really breaks my heart.

GOD PLEASE LET HER LEARN TO WALK.

Both kids got sleepy after swimming for a while and took a little nap




Sunday night we went to Old Town. It was fun. We took Baby J on the carousel and he LOVED IT. I let him ride a horse and I held onto him. He giggled most of the time. I think Makily was tired though because she acted like she would have rather been sleeping.

I have to say that Allen and Baby J have really bonded. I was worried at first that Allen was having second thoughts that first week he was here. He was stand offish and I know it was because he is/was afraid. Now they are like two peas in a pod and they really love each other. It gives me a lump in my throat. Allen carries him around in the sling without a second thought.

I love this picture.


I also go back and forth and back and forth on my opinion on whether or not we will end up with Baby J. One day I will be totally confident and then the next day I find myself saying "what if this or what if that". I am really pushing myself to be realistic and accept that he can be taken away from us. He has been with us almost a month now and he has totally blended into our family. A stranger came up to me in the store the other day and told me how adorable J is and that he has my eyes. I just smiled and said thank you.

I found this poem the other day and the words rang so true for me. Although I do not know how dedicated J's bio mom is to getting him back I do know that deep down she loves him and this touched me deeply.

This is exactly how I feel.

He's Not Mine


I have to remember~~
When he's laying there peacefully asleep next to me,
He's not mine-

She loves him too
When he smiles that smile that makes me fall in love with him more,
He's not mine-

She loves him too

When he gazes at me with those beautiful blue eyes,
He's not mine-
She loves him too

When I hold him tightly in my arms,
He's not mine-
She loves him too

When he lays his weary head on my breast,
He's not mine-
She loves him too

When I whisper "I love you"
He's not mine-
She loves him too

For the moment I'm the lucky one he's with… but, he's not mine.

I know one day soon he'll leave me and go back to her,
and I can only hope that he'll think of me ~~

I know I'll be thinking of him~

No matter how much I love him; no matter
how much I care it won't change the fact ~

He's not mine…

He has a mother who loves him, she loves him enough to try to work her problems out~
She loves him enough to try to get her life straight so it's a safe place for him to be~
And me, I love him enough to take care of him while she's doing that~~ but then I have to love him enough to remember

He's not mine…

I have to love him enough to teach him the things he needs to know at this stage in his life, then let him go…

I have to love him enough to pray each night that he's safe and that I will have made some positive impact on his little life…

I have to love him enough to remember that no matter how much I love and adore him…

He's not mine…

Author Unknown



**Please continue to pray for my neice Delaney. Her blood work today was low again and we are now just awaiting an appointment for her to have a bone marrow biopsy. You can follow what is going on with her at my sister's blog. The link is in my link list to the right.**

TGIF, it's been a crazy week.

I'll start off with Thursday morning. JJ woke me up at 4 am. He ate a bottle and drifted in and out of sleep for a while after that. Makily started making sweet noises around 5 am. I start to walk to her room when I hear this loud noise and then her SCREAMING. I RUN in there and she has fallen out of the bed again...this time she BROKE THE TODDLER BED RAIL! She was sandwiched halfway on to the floor in between the bed and the rail. One end of the rail held up but the other broke.

Looking mischievous


All I could think was that I hate our insurance company and while they say Makily meets all the requirements for a "medical bed" that they do NOT cover the SleepSafe Bed.

What beds do they cover one might ask?

Well apparently it's a secret because no one at BCBS will tell me and they just keep repeating "Just submit the claim ma'am and if it's medically necessary we will pay it".

*sigh*

Transport was a half an hour late picking up J for visitation....which annoyed but did not surprise me.

I was told that J's bio mom said that she has noticed a difference in him the last several weeks. She says he is much happier and that she is grateful he is with wherever he was moved to this time.

That made me cry.

Of course there are many more details to all that, and I can't share them but some of the things that were said have left me feeling very confused toward her.

I am also now suffering from what I can only call "Foster Parent Paranoia".

I am locking and re-locking the doors. If someone looks at me funny and J is with me I am wondering if it's a relative or someone that knows his parents (when all reality they could be looking at me because I have poop smeared on my shirt or snot in my hair).

When I am here with the kids alone I don't answer the door unless it's the mail lady, UPS or someone I know. Today Allen was home and some 17 or 18 year old kid came knocking at the door. He told Allen his mom kicked him out of his house and he had nothing and wanted to mow our lawn. Then he asked Allen if he knew what it was like to have nothing and if we were in a recession? The kid fake cried a few times, Allen gave him the cash he had on him (which was a whopping two dollars, we are debit card users here) and he left. I watched him walk down the street and he did not go to any of the neighbors houses so I am wondering why he picked our house.

Ever since we got J I am suspicious of everything.

Wednesday I went with my sister Deborah for Delaney's 800th blood draw. Poor kid.

Delaney on Wednesday at Dr. Pierre's office. GOSH she looks like her Mamma.



She had not yet met J and let's just say SHE LOVED HIM. Micah thought he was pretty cool too and kept saying "oh he's so cute, that baby's cute!" Delaney smothered him with a billion kisses.




Micah looking so grown up!


She was INCREDIBLY brave for her blood draw. She cried but did not kick, fight or hit anyone. That totally impressed me because I vividly recall when I worked there being kicked, hit and smacked by children MUCH OLDER than Delaney for blood draws and shots. Our family sure makes tough babies huh?



Delaney's blood work came back low AGAIN so they are repeating the CBC for the 7th or 8th time (I lost count) on Tues and if it's abnormal AGAIN they will be doing a bone marrow biopsy on Wednesday which NONE of us look forward to. Please pray for my sister Deborah as she has SO MUCH stress on her already and with all that's going on with Delaney, it's very hard for her right now. You can check her blog for more details on what's going on. The link is to the right in the link list.

Tomorrow we are leaving for Orlando and taking Makily and J to the Disney Parks. Not sure which one but we are going. Sunday I think we are lounging by the pool. I can't wait. I need a tan.

No I won't smile, but I WILL stick my tongue out at you!


Plotting to take over the world!


How J Helps get Makily ready in the morning...he steals her shoe, chews on it while laughing at me screaming "where's your other shoe Makily??" Little Booger!

What is that smell!?

Between Makily and baby J, we have more poop than the sewer.

When I took the trash down to the street today, my heart went out to the garbage men who will have to collect our garbage. The stench was enough to make me gag. I don't know how two children can produce that much poop in a matter of THREE days.

I had de ja vue the other day.

I had changed J's diaper and was sitting on the couch with him. I kept smelling poop. I had taken his diaper and threw it outside our front door (yes, I am was too lazy to carry it down to the trash cans and leaving it there scares solicitors and unwanted people away LOL). I kept checking J's diaper thinking he had pooped again. He hadn't. I checked all the rooms, the trash to make sure there was no poopy diaper somewhere. This went on for almost an hour. It drove me nuts. Finally I look down and see, I have a poop smear on my shirt.

LOVELY.

I had this same exact experience with Makily when she was little. So J has peed on me twice now and smeared poop on my shirt. I guess I am officially broken in.

Makily and J are getting along nicely. He really likes her and they sit together on the floor often. If he is too close this is what he does:



Surprisingly Makily does not get mad right away. She only screams if I don't pry her hair out of his hand fast enough and BOY he's got a grip.

I have been putting her hair way up on her head a lot lately to keep him from pulling it.

I want to apologize for my blog slackin the last week or so. Going from one child to two is surely a challenge (although I love it) and I am still juggling how to divide up my time and not forget anything. I am resorting back to making lists for myself like I used to do when Makily was really little and very sickly.

Here's today's list:

1. Change cell phone plan
2. Take trash out and down to the street :-)
3. Blog
4. Take weekly shower (okay it's not that bad but close LOL)
5. Go to post office and mail the THREE packages that I have been meaning to mail for the past month (and yes Steph one of them is the one you have been on me about for a long time and I am so sorry, I love you though and will call you later to let you know it has gone.)
6. Call Makily's neuro for follow up appt
7. Call about the SleepSafe bed. I got an approval for a medical bed but NOT the sleepsafe so now I need to figure out what the heck to do.
8. Get J a bumbo seat tray from Target.
9. Do laundry and dishes
10. Collapse on floor.

I really am enjoying having two kids even though I am busier than before. Right now J is next to me in the walker, intensely watching my fingers type this entry. Every now and then he looks at the ball on his tray and screams as if to say "YOU ARE MINE". He is teething and slobbery right now. We had one REALLY bad day over the weekend but he's doing good now.

Makily is loving school as always and made me the SWEETEST Mother's Day card EVER! I will have to take pictures of it and post it. She is attending the Summer Program at school. It's Monday and Tuesdays 8-1. She will continue to get her therapies there and will have the same teacher.

That's all for now, enjoy the pictures.

Zonked out at Silver Springs last week


Allen and with a disguised Baby J in the sling. It takes a REAL MAN to carry a baby in a sling! :-)





I got my hair chopped and "streaked" on Friday. I really like it. It's easier to deal with and I think it's funky.....makes me feel a smidge younger too!