I surrender.

Things are somewhat resolved.

That being said I am taking a step back.

I am surrendering this (seriously this time....stop laughing...I really mean it) to God.

I fear if I don't this entire situation will ruin me.

I can't let that happen.

I have too many people that love me and need me.

Seriously last night I was slipping down so far that I felt the "old me" coming back. Meaning the "me" when Makily was little and I was so consumed with grief, anger, fear, sadness, depression etc. I do not ever want to be in that place again or become that person.

All I can do is love J with every ounce of me and do what is best for him. Ultimately no matter what I do or say what is to be...will be...I have no control in this.

I have to be patient and see what God does.

I have to wait for him.

I am going to be positive and hopeful in all these things and let God do his work. I have control issues and even bigger issues with being patient and so maybe this is the lesson God is trying to pound into my head. What can I say, I'm hard headed and it's taking a while to sink in.

Please pray for strength for me to be able to stay with this resolve, to leave it with God and to trust him.

I have to have blind faith here....there's no other choice.


Damn, this is hard.