Okay now that I have that stuff out...

I will jump around from now on. There obviously are many, many more things that have happened since then and I will probably post them here and there. But today I want to write something happy. I cried while typing the first entries. I had to stop several times. Remembering a lot of that still hurts so much and I honestly feel the same anxiety and sadness when I think about it as I did in those days....and Makily is 19 months old. It talked to a friend of mine, her name is Stephanie and she has a daughter named Maia that is 10 years old with Emanuel Syndrome. She said even now 10 years later she has a hard time going back to that place....she has anxiety attacks....post traumatic stress. I think some of that you can never get rid of.
Anyway as I had said in the last entry that when the doctor said "severely mentally and physically handicapped" I imagined Makily being nothing more than a "lump". I know that sounds terrible but I did. I was distraught. BOY WAS I SOOO WRONG. This kid is far from what they described to me or from what I imagined she would be. It took me a while but when I did bond with her it was the most amazing feeling in the world. I never knew love like this until I had her. She is a part of me and when she is not with me I feel like I am missing my arm or my leg. Just last night Allen and I were playing with her and I just got teary eyed watching her and how happy she is. She loves to be ticked. She has the most infectious laugh and her smile will light up the entire room. There is NO feeling in the world like I get when I see her smile or hear her sweet laugh. I told Allen last night that if Makily NEVER develops any further than she has now than that is okay. She is happy, she knows she is loved, she knows I am her Mommy and Allen is her Daddy and that is enough for me. I have really learned what is important in this life. I am so grateful for every day I have with this child. There were times I doubted she would even see her first birthday but she is a little fighter. In fact Dr. Pierre's first description of Makily THE NIGHT she was born still rings true "She feisty just like her Mamma". I admit I can be feisty from time to time...especially when it comes to something that is important to me and even moreso when it comes to advocating for Makily. That is my "purpose" in this life I believe. I am so blessed. I have a loving family that has stood beside me through all of this craziness, A husband that would do anything and everything to make me happy and adores his daughter. Allen has never once blamed me or made me feel like any of this is my fault...I know a lot of marriages would have fallen apart with all that has happened. In fact I have read that parents of special needs kids have a 90% divorce rate. That is so sad to me. I also have an AMAZING pediatrician whom has saved Makily's life and done everything she can to help us through all of this. Not only has she kept on top of Makily's health but in the beginning when things were so tough she made sure I was okay and encouraged me to get help, because LORD knows I needed it and was too proud to ask for it. My parents, sisters and grandmother have been amazing, they have gone to appointments with me, taken off endless hours from work to be with us through all of Makily's hospitilizations and surgeries. I also have friends that have been with us by our sides. Trish and Justin even went to the ER with us once, I know they knew things were hard for us but actually going through that experience with us gave them an understanding of how hard this stuff is. These are just a few things that Makily has taught me. I have more love in this life than most people ever have....we have so many people around us that support us and would do anything to help us out. The real important things in this life are our friends and family. Houses can be replaced, money can be made and spent, but NOTHING can bring back the time you spend with the people that love you. I have learned to appreciate my family more, not to hold grudges, and I am still working on being a better person. All because God sent me an angel. I thank him for her every day.