Dimming lights, Enlightenment and Broken Hearts.

When I was in the nut house I noticed a theme in the "groups" they had assigned me to.  Of course there was a variety of things they taught me like being confident in myself and to not blame myself for Makily having ES.  The one theme though unrelated to my issues surrounding ES that kept popping up is "how to choose your friends". 


Sounds like something you should learn in like kindergarten right?


I am known to be very forgiving when it comes to my friends and I don't think that is a bad thing.  The bad thing about it is that sometimes people aren't meant to be in your life.  It's okay to forgive someone but that does NOT mean they need to be in your every day life.  It's even okay to love someone from afar.  This is something that has taken me 34 years to learn.


My friend Amber Burris Baker posted  this on her facebook yesterday and it spoke to my soul. 


"Our purpose is to compliment the lives of others...not complicate each others lives. Are you making a positive impact or leaving a blazing trail of negativity in your path?" 

 Wow.


What's more impressive is Amber's daughter actually said that.


For me I have realized that if someone is complicating my life instead of complimenting it.......they need to go.  I need to remove MYSELF from the situation.  Oftentimes in the past I would give chance after chance.......make excuses for people and hope that they change.  My life is complicated enough then to add others problems to it.  I'm EASY to take advantage of.  Sometimes I will pretend not to notice when someone is taking advantage of my or Allen's kindness, but I see it.  The part of me that is convinced that there is GOOD in everyone and that no one would REALLY take advantage of us keeps me from saying anything and putting up with it.  It leaves that hope in me that all people are good.  Which again at age 34 I have realized that is not the case.  Not all people are good.  Just like not everyone is meant to be in your life.....love from afar if you have to but don't let anyone else complicate your life any more than it already is.  If you have friends or people in YOUR life that are causing more complications then compliments.......it's not worth it.  Walk away. 



Hard lesson to learn but DAMN I'm glad I learned it now then 10 years from now.

A lot of things have been put into perspective for me recently.

My grandmother's health has been on a rapid decline really for two years.

My Nanny.


The woman that has been around and taken care of me as long as my mother.  When we were kids she lived in a trailer within throwing distance from our front door.  On weekends me and my sisters would spend the night with Nanny.  The nights I forgot my underwear Nanny would put hers on me and safety pin them in place.  I would forget them on purpose because I thought this was cool.  We would all curl up in Nanny's bed and I remember how safe, warm and loved I felt back then.   She would go on field trips with us and she makes the best sweet tea that I have ever tasted.  She and I used to sit and talk about the good old days and the depression.  Granted I had no idea what I WAS talking about but I liked to pretend and I loved to hear her stories about how they grew up poor and how she would eat a corn pong for lunch at school. 


There was a short time in my life that I literally had no one........except my Nanny.  I will never forget that.


Nanny is now 85 and unfortunately she has all many of the problems that go along with being 85.   What's being robbed of her right now though that is tearing me....well us apart, is her mind.  She is slowly forgetting things.  She's confused a lot and seeing the vibrant, beautiful, amazing  woman that I have known ALL of my life slowly lose who she is is about to kill me.


Sunday my Nanny took four times the dose of all her meds.  She does not remember doing it or why. 


Several months ago it became apparent that Nanny could no longer live on her own....even if it was just a stone's throw from my mom's house.  She was calling my mom saying that someone was knocking on her door at night but no one would be there.  My dad even sat out one night waiting to see the elusive person but no one ever came, even though the next morning Nanny complained about them knocking again the night before.  Then she really scared us when she was found in her car at 10 o clock at night with the keys in her hand.  She takes meds at night that would make her driving AT ALL dangerous.  Had she driven she would have likely killed herself and/or other innocent people.  She also has broken BOTH hips in the last couple of years and her walking is pretty awful.  She won't stay in a wheelchair because she says if she stops walking she won't be able to anymore.  So she walks with a walker...unsteadily.  When the car incident happened and my mother realized that if left alone Nanny will likely fall again and hurt herself or worse get in the car and drive when she shouldn't be.  My parents both still work as does the rest of our family so there just is no one that can be with her 24/7.  The decision was made to put her in an Assisted Living Facility.  This was the least restrictive thing we could do to ensure her safety.  Nanny was not happy about it and still is not.  This is heart wrenching for us all.  I would LOVE to be able to whisk her up and take care of her but I can barely handle what's on my plate now.  This hurts me to the core.  


Sunday when my sister Deborah went up to see Nanny one of the techs told her that she had not been acting right all day.  She was more confused.  That she had not waited for help to go to dinner or lunch (she is not allowed to go walk by herself).  When my sister got up to Nanny's room, Nanny was passed out in the chair.  Deborah tried to wake her and she would open her eyes but fall right back to sleep.  Deborah is an RN and has been taking care of all of Nanny's meds.  She gets them at the beginning of the week and puts them in her MONDAY-SUNDAY pill box and then all Nanny has to do is dump that days meds out at the right time and take them.  This has worked well up until now.  When Deborah could not figure out why Nanny was so lethargic she went to the pill box to see if anything was missing that should not have been.  When she opened it she realized Nanny had taken FOUR doses of ALL her morning meds....plus then she ALSO took her evening meds at dinner. 


My Nanny is on heart meds, Alzheimer's meds, an antidepressant and pain meds for arthritis and of course the two broken hips.  An extra dose of one of those meds might have been okay but FOUR TIMES the normal amount ON ALL of them was dangerous and honestly could have killed her.  I don't know that she would not have just gone to sleep that night and not gotten up the next morning had my sister not gone up there that night.  Deborah called 911 and the admitted Nanny to the hospital.   Sunday Nanny was totally unconscious the rest of the night.  I went up to the hospital early Monday morning HOPING that the drugs would have worn off enough and she would be coherent and back to normal but that was not the case.  She lay in the bed her body twitching intermittently, unconscious while I sat holding her hand with tears streaming down my face.  She would talk to someone and start chewing as though she was eating in her sleep. I did try to wake her but she opened her eyes only for a moment, looked at me, SMILED and then closed her eyes again. 


Yesterday my mom, my sister and I went to the hospital together after my Nanny called my mother at work telling her she was being held hostage.  When we got there we were told she had been trying to pull off her EKG leads.  She also tried to pull out her catheter.  We all sat down and I asked her if she knew why she was in the hospital.  She was confused so I told her she had taken four times her meds and I asked her if she remembered why she did that.  She says she does not.  I told her that if she did that because she was really sad that she better not ever do it again because then it would make ME very sad.  She promised she does not remember.


She also was not sure where she was.  She kept saying she was at home. Her eyes were not her own and I pray to God or whoever/whatever is up there that once all the drugs are out of her system she will be Nanny again.  I am fearful though that there is a piece of her that's been lost.  The spark....the light in her eyes is dimming and it makes me sob just typing that. The doctor told us that this is "how the progression works....sometimes it's fast".  I wanted to throw a brick at him when he said that.  They are saying dementia and Alzheimer's but honestly I don't care what you call it.......it's robbing my Nanny of her light.  I hate it.

So this week my Nanny has put a lot of things in perspective for me.  Don't let anyone else steal your light.  you are responsible for your own happiness.  No one can take that away from you UNLESS YOU LET THEM and I admit there have been times in the past I have allowed others and their actions steal my light.  I WILL NEVER LET THAT HAPPEN AGAIN.   My Nanny's light is dimming and she has no control over that.....I WILL BE DAMNED if I allow ANYONE in my life to take away the joy and the goodness that is in me. 


I am determined to always be a compliment and not a complication in any one's life.  I won't let anyone else complicate mine again either.





What are you.....a complication...or a compliment?


I love you forever my Nanny.