My Makily.

She had her IEP on Friday.

So I was dreading it like the plague.

Lots of reasons really.

Last year they said "Makily is unable to participate in meaningful play with others due to her disability".

This TOTALLY JUST CRUSHED ME.

I mean I knew that already but to hear a professional say it was like a kick in the chest.

I took J with me and he did AWESOME.

It wasn't bad at all.

Since school started this year Makily has gained three months of development which for her is AWESOME. They all agreed she is becoming more and more and more social. They're is one little boy in her class that ADORES her. They said that when he comes over to Makily that she just GRINS and laughs. He strokes her hand and says "Oh Makily" and loves on her.

They said she loves him as much as he loves her.

*gives me warm fuzzies*

Mrs. Byrd also says that if you sit down near Makily and don't acknowledge her right away she MAKES sure you know she is there. If you are close enough she will touch or patt your arm until you look and say "Hi Makily". If you are sitting farther away she will lean over or around whoever is in the way and stare until you talk to her. She does this here at home so I was not surprised. In church if my mom is holding J and Makily decides it's her turn for Nanny time she will lean past me and GLARE at my mom until she gives J to me and takes Makily. Then she will snuggle right into my mom, patt her in the face while smiling and talking....then eventually fall asleep in her arms.

SERIOUSLY.

This kid knows how to get her way.

Last night we went to dinner with my parents. She was at the table with one of her favorite toys having a BALL. The waitress came up and was telling her how cool her toy was. Makily screeched her excited "ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh" with huge goofy grin at the lady and I could tell she wasn't sure what to make of it. LOLOLOLOL I told her that was her "happy screech" and the waitress thought that was cute as can be.

So socially my baby has come right along.

They all agreed that music is a HUGE bright spot for Makily. She dances and "sings" and claps. I already knew that music was one of her favorite things. She goes CRAZY in the car. Her teacher Mrs. Byrd said that she discovered Makily likes rap, top 40 and Pop music. She is not too interested in "kid music" except Mr. Richard (she's seen him live maybe that's why?).

They all also agree that Makily struggles with transitions (she's always been that way since birth). She cries for them for about 15 minutes between physical activities (meaning things that are physically difficult for her). She only cries for about five minutes here at home so I think she is trying to "work them over". Her OT said eventually she calms and does what is required.

Speech says she is seeing Makily showing interest in mouth movements and trying to imitate certain things....but as always it's not a consistent thing. That makes it hard to gauge if she is doing certain things intentionally or if it was just a sporadic thing that she happened to do at that certain time.

We have struggled with this sort of thing with her for a while. She will have awesome days where she is RIGHT ON and so bright and then the next day she won't do the same task she did the day before.

It's confusing.

Her private speech therapist Elon and I have seen huge gains. She is using her PECS board in identifying objects (i.e. Makily show me the flower toy....Makily where is Spongebob?). We hope that one day she will be able to choose what she wants with the PECS board but we obviously need to make sure she can identify all the choices so that's the step we are in now. She is doing well with that. She will sign more when asked "Makily do you want more of your flower toy?....show me the sign or use your voice". She will either sign "more" or say "aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh" while clapping her hands. We have also recently seen that she is chewing and moving food around in her mouth SO well. Elon REALLY believes that if we can JUST get the turd to swallow she could at least eat enough for enjoyment purposes (we'll never be rid of the tube, I don't think so at least and that's okay, I can live with it). She chews and spits right now. Elon gave me some exercises to do with her mouth (using hot/cold on the back of her tongue to stimulate a swallow). I am not getting my hopes up but I also am not giving up on her either.

*sigh*

She is doing MUCH better with the oral aversions she has. I no longer have to practically hog tie her to brush her teeth. She lays there and let's me do it with no tantrum which saves TONS of time in the morning and I am SO grateful for.

PT is going to be turning into (well sort of already has) boot camp.

She is going to walk dammit.

SHE IS GOING TO WALK.

We have started making her stand to get her pants on, walking her to and from the van. They are walking her to and from the bathroom and activities at school. Once again Makily is difficult when it comes to walking. With a gait trainer she figures out she can sit in it (The Rifton Pacer) so she sits on the sling seat and tries to swing on the damn thing.

*sigh*

We just got a Crocodile from a friend (thanks Keely!) and so far she will stand at it but will not walk. She ONLY takes steps with you holding her under her arms OR holding her hands and nearly dragging her. She will take steps but begrudgingly....better with the right foot than with the left...bigger steps on that side and I don't know why. She can stand while holding on to something for long periods. She'll stand in her stander indefinitely. I am not sure why she is resisting so much when it comes to this. Is it her AFO's? Do they feel weird on her feet (it looks like it would feel weird to me)? Is she unsure of her balance? Is she just being spoiled? Lazy? Have we coddled her too much? This is yet another frustration there is to having a non-verbal child. I just wish she could tell me what is making it harder for her. I typically can figure out what is going on with her but in situations like this I am left scratching my head. How I wish I could get into this kid's head and walk around for a while, I think I could help her more if I just knew exactly how her mind works.

I don't know but whatever it is, we have to overcome it.

I NEED her to walk.

I NEED IT.

Yes that sounds selfish but when I look to the future I realize that Makily MUST be able to walk when she is older and weighs to much for me to carry. I have learned already that I need to save my back and physically need to keep up with MYSELF (which I have not been, that's a later post) or I will be regretting it later when she is bigger.

I had gotten really worried about her behaviorally.

Makily has always done well when we are out and about. Recently I started noticing she was not tolerating being out. In fact they're were like four times in a row that she was REALLY cranky the entire time I was out with her. With all going on with Maia (how I adore her, she stole my heart years ago) recently it was starting to worry me. Well I braved her out again twice the week and she WAS THE HAPPIEST little booger ever. I don't know, maybe she was just having a rough time before?

Everyone at the IEP agreed that Makily is just a love. That everyone that works with her can't help but fall in love with her. She's a joy and a sweetheart and that makes me so happy. They all raved about how cute she is and how they love that she has matching bows to most of her outfits. (Chontee when Bri starts school, they are all going to just DIE!)

So overall good things. I am looking to find a switch that we can use at the house so she can turn the TV on and off. She uses the computer at school to play music. It plays for a little bit and stops and she has to hit the screen to get it to come back on. She LOOOOVES TV (seriously, she's a couch potato) so I figure it will motivate her to start using a switch more at home.

Basically Makily will be getting all the services that I wanted to have for the next 12 months. I did not have to fight or argue for anything. That was nice. We JUST discussed goals for next year and NOT kindergarten (ugh, just the mention of kindy makes me stomach churn....Mamma don't like change and HOW THE HECK IS MY BABY OLD ENOUGH FOR KINDY?). She will get a new teacher and class and I am not terribly excited about that. Not because I don't like the teacher (I don't even know who it is) but because Makily has grown fond of Mrs. Byrd and Mrs. Leslie. They love her, she knows it, I KNOW IT and I hate to see her have to adjust to new people and say goodbye to the class that she has been in for the past two years. I'm sure I will bawl at her graduation from Pre-K. Might as well prepare for the flood now....it is going to be BAD.

sigh.

I'll leave you with a video of Makily in the van.

It shows how much she LOOOOVES music.

She really JAMS in the car.

I love this kid.

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

What's wrong with this picture?

Today leaving Walgreens.....



If you are handicapped can you really drive/ride a motorcycle?

I checked, he had no placard....not sure where he would hang it? Checked his tag too, no handicapped thing on that.

I'm just sayin.

More later if I have time, check back.

PS, Have I said lately how much I love my camera phone? Gives me TONS of blog material!

Our weekly occurance...

So maybe it's not weekly but it sure as hell is starting to feel like it.

Makily's button came out AGAIN.

I don't even get surprised anymore.

This time it was even more of a mess because we just had it sized and she went down to an 18fr.

Of course the ONLY spare I had was a 20 fr because that was what she had been in.

Insurance paid for the 18fr early because it was sized down.

So I had no spare.

BANG HEAD AGAINST WALL NOW.

So I go through my stash of buttons, I don't even have a "holy yet sterilized" 18 fr.

We decide in our panic to try and put the 20 fr BRAND NEW button that we had in.

It was BRAND NEW out of the package....remember that.

I take out the button our of the package, and as always I test the balloon.

Why do I test a balloon on a BRAND new button you might ask?

Because I don't trust the suckers.

Would you believe that this button RIGHT out of the package HAD A HOLE IN THE BALLOON?

If I didn't see it for myself, I wouldn't believe it.

So I go back through my stash and I do find ONE button that is a 20 fr that the balloon is actually still good on.

Allen being the awesome Daddy he is decides he will try to put this one in.
(usually I do all the button changing around here and he assists, I was proud of him that he volunteered to do it). I even warned him that this was a size up from what was in her tummy and he still said he would do it.

Well he tried and it was too big, would not go in.

My poor Makily. :-(

We gave up and just put back in the holy 18fr and taped it in her tummy.

Nice.

Obviously Makily can't go to school with a taped button in her tummy so she had to stay home yesterday.

Allen called Kendall Clark and expressed his disgust with our ongoing problem (again I was so proud because usually I am the one b*tching.....me b*tch?.....never.....LOLOL). They apologized again and they are overnighting a new one to us. I should get it today. That means that Makily is missing school again today because of this. This is the second time now that she has had to miss two days of school because of all these stupid button fiasco's.

I am calling AMT today. Someone that works for them actually suggested me calling them on one of my other blog entries. I figure what can we possibly lose in at least trying this brand of button. God knows if the balloons hold up better then it will be worth whatever amount we have to spend on the thing.

I am still not desperate enough to try that BARD button with the long obturator thingie.

Hopefully we won't have to resort to that.

Buying Dirty Panties.

**three entries today folks so keep reading!**

Now when I say dirty panties I don't REALLY mean dirty panties.

Who would buy those?

I mean lingerie.

Yes lingerie, have I gone too far on my blog again?

I dont like to call it lingerie, in fact I usually call it

LING GER REEE

That or of course "dirty panties".

So last week I went to go buy some dirty panties.

Now I am a 31 year old woman, married for eight years and I have two kids.

Still, buying "dirty panties" makes me feel like a 16 year old pimply faced boy going in buying condoms.

Not that I know what that would feel like, I've never been a 16 year old boy or bought condoms.

Work with me here okay?

I just feel like I am doing something wrong, like I'm not old enough to be buying that.

There is still a huge part of me that feels 13.........15 on a good day.

Mom are you totally cringing yet....I apologize in advance!

So I go to Bealls outlet to look for dirty panties. I tell myself in advance that I can't JUST buy dirty panties. I have to get something else too so it won't look like I was only there to buy dirty panties....even though I really was.

I pick out the dirty panties, hang them on the stroller that J was in. I immediately dedide hanging them like that is a NO GO. I mean dirty panties hanging off a baby stroller is wrong in so many ways right? So I open the umbrella part of the stroller and set them up there. Then I desparetly start looking for something else to buy so I can put that on top of the dirty panties and hide that I was buying them.

I told you I feel 13 at times.

I go to the kids section and try to find something for one of the kids. Then I realize that it would be weird to buy dirty panties AND kids stuff.

This is how my mind works people, I'm warped, I know.

So I look around my section and still I can't find anything to buy that will hide my dirty panties purchase. I continue sifting through clothes when I hear J squealing "mamammamamammamaaaa" so loudly. I look and he has somehow grabbed the side of my dirty panties off the top of the umbrella and is waving them happily in front of him.

GOOD GOD.

I give up, snatch my dirty panties from J and decide that I will buck up and be the 31 year old married woman I am and JUST buy the dirty panties and nothing else.

I walk up to the counter and there is just one person in front of me buying about 800 things. Great I'll be here forever meaning more people will see me buying only dirty panties......sigh.

Then like a beacon of hope, this lady walks into the store.

She asks if she can get the basket off the counter in front of me. She selects a pair of clearance earrings. I tell her since she just has the one item she can go ahead of me. She smiles and gets in front of me. Truth be told I only let her butt me so I could take her picture.

Here she is selecting her earrings.

While standing behind "curler lady" I realized something.

If she can come into Bealls Outlet at 1:00pm in the afternoon wearing her curlers to ONLY buy a pair of clearance earrings, then I SURE AS HELL can buy a pair of dirty panties and not feel any shame.

Thank you curler lady.

Tax Preparation NIGHTMARE.

Allen and I usually go to H&R Block for our taxes. We had some problems with them last year that resulted in us having to wait over three months to get our tax return. We had also been told that they had gone up DRAMATICALLY in price this year and were even charging an extra $29 JUST to have the IRS direct deposit your refund in your bank account.


So because of all those reasons we decided to take our business elsewhere.


I will not name where we went because at this point they have apologized, fired the idiot that did our taxes and say they will be doing our taxes for free next year. You can rest assured though that if our taxes aren't done free next year I will be blasting their name all over the Internet. I am supposed to be receiving a letter in the mail stating we will get free tax prep, if I don't get it, I will just be blasting their names sooner!



So here's the story.



Allen called the placed, we'll call them ABC taxes. He asked to make an appt and they said "we are slow today just walk in". So that is what we did. We got there and were the only people in the place. Here's how our initial interaction went, which by the way should have sent us running the other way. We wanted to get our taxes done RIGHT THEN though because Allen had to leave out the next day and we are greedy b*tches and want our money now! LOLOL



IDIOT AT DESK: Can I help you?



Me: Yes we need our taxes done.



IDIOT: Oh well our tax preparer just went to lunch.



Me: *dumbfounded look* ugh well you guys don't do anything BUT taxes here right...so....well we called and were told just to walk in without an appt.....is there really no one here that can do taxes, I'm confused.



IDIOT: Oh no I mean, ugh I can do taxes...is it easy?



Me: ......ugh.....I don't know, that's why I come here, I don't know how to do taxes and isn't that what YOU DO HERE?



IDIOT: Oh, i mean the EZ form.



Me: I don't know, I mean we are married filing jointly and itemizing.



IDIOT: Oh I can do that no problem, I just don't know how to do it if you are self employed the other preparer will be back from lunch though in like 15 minutes.



I had an uneasy feeling but again I just wanted to get it done so we stayed.



BIG MISTAKE.



We go to the back and the idiot enters our information into the computer. She looks at my measly 1099 from my freelance job with the newspaper. Seriously it was only $600 but I knew if I DIDN'T report it, it would bite me in the butt so of course we are reporting it. She has no clue what to do with it. I tell her what it's for, she again looks lost.



sigh



She says "let me call".



This began a long process of calling some woman across town.



She hangs up and says "I am going to fax this to her so she can look at it and tell us what to do with this". She faxes the form.



STRANGE.



She continues inputting our information in the computer. I tell her that Allen gets a deduction for being a truck driver called Per Diem. It's a daily rate he gets for being over the road that is supposed to cover meals, expenses etc. Last year we got a nearly $11K deduction for it so obviously this is NOT something we can just NOT use as a deduction.



She has no idea what this is and looks at me serious as day and says "so is it a work related expense"?



SERIOUSLY?



I just looked at her like the moron she is and said "uhm yeah".



I tell her that it's in the tax book they should have. She gets up and aimlessly looks for "the book". Tells me that there is a guy that works there that comes in every day and just reads that book.....she does not know what he did with it.



WHO JUST READS THAT BOOK FOR FUN?



She again calls across town to ask what the per Diem is. The woman on the phone tells her and then explains that it's $42/day...which is WRONG. Allen gets $54/day because it's based on WHERE YOU TRAVEL TO, and NOT where you actually live. They were looking at the rate for our town and NOT for TEXAS where he goes to every week.



sigh



I explain this to the idiot and she goes on a search for her book again.



**shaking my head**



She finds the book and then says I will have to help her find the page.



I did.



She says "oh look you are right it IS $54 a day"!



REALLY?



We had other deductions for medical, mortgage interest, home owners insurances and taxes.



Now JUST the total for our mortgage interest and Allen's per Diem was nearly $18k in deductions right?



She gets to the end of the form and says:



"okay your itemized deductions equal $15K".



I put my head on the desk and say immediately "NO THAT'S WRONG".



She goes BACK and shows me that she input all the deductions.



I say "yes, i see you put that in but if you add JUST our mortgage interest and per Diem it's MORE than that", ADD IT UP".



She says "oh yeah".



Then of course she says "let me call".



I almost said "look if I wanted the person across town to do my taxes, I would have gone across town you moron".



Instead I kept reminding myself that I need to be more patient, that God is ALWAYS testing my patience so I held that in.



I also kept thinking that the tax prep person at lunch would be back any moment and that the idiot would have someone else that could take over and do it for her.



She calls the woman who starts saying that with your medical deduction the first 7% is taken off....WHICH I HAD ALREADY TOLD the idiot myself. She begins to tell me this and I say I KNOW THAT, forget the medical altogether, if you don't count that at all you're still wrong just add the per Diem and mortgage interest and you get more than $15k!!!!!!!!



She tells this to the woman on the phone whom then tells her to email her our return and she will look at it.



sigh



I am really pissed at this point.



Then she calls the woman back and asks about the 1099 from my freelance job. They argue back and forth about whether or not it was faxed. Then I say "how bout you just fax it to her again"?



She does.



A few minutes later the lady across town calls, says she fixed our return and that she just emailed the corrected version back. She also explained the 1099 to the idiot. I am thinking FINALLY we are good to go...right?



WRONG.



The idiot tries to open up the corrected tax return and because they already had an open return with Allen's social security number it would not let her open it. She gets two other people to come over and try to help her figure it out. I am STEAMING now. Allen is just shaking his head. J is wiping lollipop on Allen (yes we gave him a dumb dumb to calm him....don't hate, sometimes you get desperate) and crying because we have been there forever and it's his nap time. Thankfully we had let Makily visit with Granny or she would have been screaming too.



They tried a few things to get the corrected return to come up with NO luck. She calls the lady across town AGAIN and says she can't get it to come up. She starts writing some numbers. When she hangs up she tells us that the lady in the other office is going to print the return, fax it to her, then we can sign it, find out what we are getting back and pay them.



I ask how much in deductions the lady across town came up with when she "fixed" the return. It was $21K...which was correct and what I had come up with myself. So had I not pointed out to the idiot that she was wrong we would have missed out on $6K+ in deductions.



NICE.



They fax over the return that says we are getting back and NICE refund. In fact the most we have ever gotten. It was also what I had figured up in my head so I felt confident about what the woman across town had done.



Then the idiot drops the bomb.



She tells me that our bill for today is:



$353.00



My head flew off my body. The patience I had been so desperately trying to maintain well....it flew out of me when my head came off.



I WENT OFF.



I started yelling at her.



shameful, I know.



I said:



"ARE YOU CRAZY"???? We just sat here for over an hour, with you calling someone across town to do our taxes, you needed ME to tell you what to do, messed up on your deductions, we just sat through this circus you call tax prep and NOW YOU WANT ME TO PAY $353"!!!!!!!!


She pulls out this coupon and says she will give us $20 off.

I laughed.

In her face.

*shameful*

I said "gee thanks, that is still ridiculous when you had NO IDEA what you were doing".

To which she replied "well I wanted to make sure I got this right for you, you itemized so there are lots of forms to file and I am giving you $20 off, do you want me to call the other office and see if I can get it down another $30"?

I told her to keep her stinking $30, just finish the return, I wanted to get out of there. If I didn't need my taxes done RIGHT THEN I would just leave with all my crap.

So Allen and I paid $333 to get our taxes done by a moron and a woman in ANOTHER office 10 miles away.

HOW DO WE ALWAYS END UP IN SITUATIONS LIKE THIS?

I swear we always do.

I called the owner who I later found out was the woman across town. She apologized profusely for the idiot and told me she fired her later that day. Personally I think she should have called me and apologized herself (the owner) but maybe that's asking for a lot. We worked out that she will be sending me a letter to take in next year to get our taxes for free. I'll let you know when and if I get said letter.

MUCH to blog.

I plan on doing at least two entries today so check back. I have much to catch up on here. Sorry I havent been blogging like I usually do. It's been a busy, emotional week and I am trying to catch my breath.

**This may be removed so read fast**

When a child is in foster care the courts assign a "goal" to them. J's goal has always been "reunification with a parent". They added the goal of TPR (termination of parental rights) long ago.

His goal just changed.

The goal is now "TPR/Adoption".

The court has DROPPED the goal of reunification with a parent.

This is a good thing for us. I can't help but feel a bit sad for J though. Once again conflicting feelings on my part. I feel bad for J because I fear that one day he will think he wasnt good enough or important enough to fight for. That is so far from the truth and I just pray that I can show him how much Allen and I and really our entire family has fought for him. How much we love him and how much we want him to be a forever part of our family. He is worth every single second of worry and heartache we have felt in this journey with him. I wouldnt take a second of it back.

That being said I am now told they're are several family members that have popped out of the wood work.

He's 14 months old.

Where were they before now?

Nice.

I have my reasons but I do not know how true and really how many family members have come forward at this time.

I was told that a few were contacted and they said "I love him but he is in a wonderful place where he is happy and bonded, I can't give him what they are giving him and I will not take him away from that".

That makes me cry and feel really awesome at the same time.

So while we are one step closer to adopting our son, we have this new "thing" that we have to worry about.

Once again I refuse to let this consume me. I can't control this, I only can love J and give him the best possible life while he is with us.

It is up to God what happens in the end.

Updates

Hope everyone had a HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY.

Allen is such a wonderful husband. I really just adore him and I am so blessed that he is my husband. He bought me THREE DOZEN roses, chocolates and made my FAVORITE dinner. It was surely a romantic evening at the Caldwells. :-)

Makily has been trying to get sick for what seems like a month now. She was up most of Saturday night coughing, hacking and gagging. She is not running a fever but she has more snot then she knows how to manage. Suctioning her is a nightmare these days. She acts like you have broken her arm when you do it, then all the crying produces even MORE snot so it's almost not even worth doing it.

sigh

There's no school today so we kept her home. She seems somewhat better this morning. I will be happy with the cold/flu/winter season is over. She always struggles this time of year with colds. I am just thankful that we went an ENTIRE YEAR last year without pneumonia. THAT'S A HUGE MILESTONE! *knock on wood*

Little J started walking. It's the cutest thing ever. Only five or six steps here and there but he is doing it and it's so cute. He's this little tiny guy walking.

I'll admit the first time he did it I cried. Happy and sad tears. Happy for obvious reasons but sad because I have yet to see my Makily walk without anyone helping her.

I still haven't given up on that. I don't plan on it either.

More stuff going on in J's case this week. As always I can't give details but when things start happening with that I get SUPER nervous. I am trying to stay as calm as possible but it's not always easy. I have been as "hands off" with his case as I can possibly be lately. I just really have felt like God is telling me to "get out of the way" and so I am desperately trying to stay OUT of the way. Pray for me on this.

We got our taxes done last week. WHAT A FIASCO! I plan on posting the entire story this week so stay tuned for that. I can't even begin to tell you what a CIRCUS it ended up being. I am starting to wonder how Allen and I end up in situations like that! I seriously kept sitting there going "seriously...Allen is this happening"? He just kept looking down and shaking his head.

Good times.

How to wait in line at Walmart 101.

Seriously someone needs to write a curriculum and teach a class.

I am SO tired of Walmart these days I could scream. I go to the check out counter KNOWING there is going to be some sort of hold up. Either the clerk is older than dirt, the people in front of me are morons, they have to switch clerks when I get up there or do a cash drop with the manager.

IT NEVER FAILS PEOPLE......AND IT DRIVES ME INSANE I TELL YOU.

So I go to Walmart on Thursday.

I had this toy to take back because we got three of them for the kids for Christmas. I go to the "customer treat you like crap service desk" .

I wait in line because God knows that line is always RIDICULOUS.



This chick walks up and stands NEXT to me, not behind me.


I do not know her, she smiles at me and stands there.


For a split second I thought I might know her since she is standing next to me and is so close.

Here she is, yes I took a picture of her, I look in front of her but I assure you I was not, I had to hold the phone out pretty far so she couldn't tell I was taking her picture! LOLOLOL



Then I realized this idiot does not know how to stand in a line.


Each time we moved up, she moved up and was still RIGHT NEXT TO ME.


Not BEHIND me where she belonged but next to me.


The 3rd grader in me is screaming "no cuts" but I held it in. When we would move up I would try to inch as far ahead of her as possible without being obvious but she just kept standing NEXT TO ME....like a little leach.

Now everyone else getting in line was standing BEHIND me.


It reminded me a little of Dane Cook's rules for cutting in line.
(while HILARIOUS the above link has cussing and some crudeness just a warning)


FINALLY we (me and my new friend) get to the front of the line.


I am thinking


"this lady better not go to the next available counter or I am so going off on her".


When the clerk said next I BOLTED to her and left my new found friend in the dust.


So rule number one for waiting in line at Walmart:


Stand BEHIND the person that is LAST in line. Do not stand next to them and especially NOT in front of them. Also leave at least three feet between you and said person. Standing just inches from them IS ALSO NOT APPROPRIATE and could get you a black eye.



ISN'T THIS COMMON SENSE?



I shopped a little after the leach lady incident.

I had to pick Makily up at 2:05 and so around 1:30 I go to the check out. Car line does not really even move until 2:12 so I had PLENTY of time.

The lines were are LOOONG (surprise) and so I decided to go to one of the self check out lanes. There was only one person scanning their stuff in front of me.

It was a lady on a motorized cart with basket on the front and her husband.

He scanned several items then started putting DIMES in the machine for payment.

DIMES?

REALLY?

He finishes paying after about 3 million dimes and then I notice he starts scanning more crap.

Strange.

He pays AGAIN with change and I am thinking "finally it's my turn".

OH NO, boy was I WRONG.

His wife on the motorized cart gets up and starts scanning cat food that was in her little basket.

She scans about 20 cans, then pays with cash into the little machine. Her husband stops her at one point to tell her he wants to get rid of all his change and to use that instead. An argument then ensues while I stand there FUMING at the fact that these idiots are on their THIRD transaction, paying with CHANGE and I am STILL waiting.

Finally she wins and pays totally with cash. Then she walks back to her basket where I see her putting MORE CRAP up on the belt.

Now I am PISSED.

She scans that stuff pays with a card.

She does this THREE MORE TIMES.

My head was about to fly off of my body at this point.

The line had gotten ridiculously long behind me at this point. I could not stand another second so I started complaining to the equally annoyed lady behind me. Nothing like complaining about an idiot at Walmart to bring two strangers together.

FINALLY the lady gets to her last item which literally was a pack of paper.

I am not kidding.

She scans it, and when she tried to pay for it, her card was declined.

The reason for my insanity.



GOD PLEASE TAKE ME NOW!!!!

She scanned it twice more and was declined both times. Then her husband happily pulls out his change and they pay with about 5 hundred dimes.

Someone PLEASE explain to me WHY do people do this. Why on earth would they have had 800 different transactions?

Rule Number Two

When in line at Walmart if paying with check, have check out, drivers license number written on it and made out (unless your gonna let them make it out on their computer thingie), don't just stand there reading the magazines when people are in line behind you. If you are paying with your card.....SCAN your card WHILE waiting for the clerk to finish checking you out. This saves EVERYONE on time and you will make a friend with the person behind you. DON'T EVER send your child back to go get the bag of cookies or okay ANYTHING after you have been totally checked out. THAT IS BEYOND RUDE and since YOU forgot the item THEN YOU should have be the one inconvenienced by going back in the store and getting back in line, NOT THE PERSON WAITING PATIENTLY BEHIND YOU! If something is on sale and you notice you didn't get your discount...if it's less than twenty five cents GET OVER IT. Don't hold up an entire line over a quarter...PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND THE SANITY OF PEOPLE LIKE ME FOLLOW THESE RULES!


FYI, I realize that rule number two had about 500 rules in it but I went off on a tangent.

Forgive me?

Awards, Awards!

Over the past couple of months I have won THREE...yes count em....THREE awards.

The first was from MICHELLE AT DAILY GRIND GONE MAD.


The second was from Andrea at The H Blog


The third was from FosterMomtoMany at Postcards from Insanity.



I have not posted about them because honestly I have had so much chaos going on that I just hadnt got the chance!

I am taking this moment to THANK YOU LADIES for these PRESTIGIOUS AWARDS.

I would also like to thank Walgreens for having such moronic employees and ridiculous policies so that I have something to write about.

I warm thank you to the tiny Mexican men that hit on me constantly. It is because of the repeated awkard moments in Walmart and various other department stores that I can come to my blog and share these embarrasing moments with the world.

I would like to also extend warm appreciation to Kendall Clark the makers of the Mic-Key button. Your recent faulty batch of Mic-Key buttons have caused me to loose my mind, spend hundreds of dollars and cause my kid undue pain. You gave me something more to bitch about so I guess this award is also in thanks to you.

In conclusion I will leave you with a link to one of my older posts.

I wrote it back in 2006!

I've been blogging that long!?

It's one of my favs and highlights the most embarrasing moment of my life.

I hope you enjoy.

TRISH MORTIFIED....CLICK ME

Baby Boy Knows How To Share ALREADY!

He has shared his NASTY cold with me.

Thank you so much J.

I am so congested that I woke up at 3 am feeling like someone had shoved something in my nasal passages. I could not breathe out of my nose at all. The harder I tried the more I sounded like Jim Carey in that scene from Me, Myself and Irene after his nose was broken. You remember the whistle. I tried to youtube that scene for you but can't find it.

ugh

I am thankful that Makily has not caught it though and J is MUCH better today.

So I am doing nasal spray and Motrin today. Of course I get sick the weekend before we are "re-inspected" for the renewal of our foster license. We are trying to "spring clean" this weekend and re-organize.......and I get sick.

I have impeccable timing.

I would rather lay in bed pumped full of Nyquil with a smile on my face.

sigh

Pray Makily does not catch this.

I am a Frozen Prune.

Baby boy is sick.

He has been spiking HIGH temps and he had a dr visit yesterday.

He wants to be snuggled which is fine by me but he is really running hot.

I am giving him Tylenol/Motrin every four hours. It's helping some.

He insisted on taking about six showers today. I tried putting him in the tub and it was a no go, he would only tolerate a shower with me holding him. He would just lay there on me with the water running over us.

So I sat in the FREEZING shower with the little turd half the day.

He has not napped or slept well so I am TIRED.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better for all of us.

One of the many reasons I am a total lunatic.

Since Makily was born I have to deal with pharmacies WAY more than I ever wanted to.

For the most part, they make me want to run amok, screaming naked and banging a pot. So far I have had the sanity to resist this urge.

One time I was having such a hard time JUST GETTING MAKILY'S reflux medication. Her stomach acids WERE OUT OF CONTROL and so her G tube was LEAKING LIKE A FAUCET. I am talking bile, stomach acid just pouring from under her button.

GOOD TIMES.

I had argued with the doctors office and pharmacy over the phone so much that I finally went DOWN to the pharmacy with Makily in tow. She looked like she had stuck her finger in a light socket as I had not even touched her hair that morning. I was still in pajamas with my hair tied in a knot on top of my head. See we had been up all night with a leaking PAINFUL G tube site because the drs, pharmacy and insurance company could not get it together enough to GET US SOME DAMN MEDICINE.

So we went into the pharmacy and I argued with the tech at the counter. Makily all the while is screeching and miserable on my hip. I got sick of fighting with the idiot at the counter so I pulled Makily's shirt up to reveal her leaking g tube and the SOAKED gauze. The area was FIRE RED and a MESS. I said "THIS IS WHAT SHE IS HAVING TO DEAL WITH BECAUSE YOU WON'T GIVE ME HER FREAKING MEDICATION"!!!!

Drastic, yes I know, but I was sleep deprived and tired...and my baby was in pain.

After showing them Makily's horrific looking painful tummy they gave me enough meds to get her through the week until they could get it together.

Thanks, wish you would have done that a week ago before I came in here and made a scene.

ANYWAY!

Last month I started having another issue.

The powers that be in Florida decided that it would be a good idea to have ALL of Florida Walgreens pharmacy phone calls to be routed to a "call center" (answering service) in Orlando.

WHAT A FREAKING STUPID IDEA.

It took me two phone calls to realize that I wasn't talking to the actual store. I only figured it out because she asked where I wanted my script transferred and when I said "oh the one on 40 next to K-mart" and she said "I don't know where that is".

Then she went on to tell me that they were out of stock of my medication which was weird because it's common and this has never happened before.

I was rather irritated so I called the pharmacy again, demanded to speak to the PHARMACIST IN OCALA and finally got her. She apologized, said that they in the store ALSO hated this new policy and that the next time I called to ask for the pharmacy directly and tell them I WOULD NOT AND COULD NOT speak with Orlando. She said my script had been ready and waiting for TWO DAYS, and she does not know why Orlando said they were out of stock.

*sigh*

Well this is what happened this month when I called to make sure my meds were ready.

I was already annoyed because I KNEW I was going to get the LAME call center in ANOTHER CITY! So when I called I pressed the button for the photo lab....waited on hold forever just for the automated system to say "that extension is not available please hold for the next available extension"

sigh

Finally this guy picks up. I explain that when I called last month the pharmacist explicitly told me that the next time I call, ask for customer service and tell them I DO NOT want to talk to the Orlando call center and to PLEASE carry the phone back to the pharmacy.

The guys says "ma'am all I can do is transfer you into the callrx system".

*sigh...*

I then VERY FIRMLY explained that I DID NOT WANT to talk to the idiots in Orlando and to either GET ME THE MANAGER or walk the phone BACK to pharmacy.

With that he put me on hold and then transferred me to the callrx line where I got none other than the Orlando call center.

*I think my head almost flew off my body at this point*

I calm myself enough to ask the call center if they see my script is ready or not.

That guy tells me "no I have nothing for you".

SIGH

I did not trust the info he was giving me after last month's fiasco.

So I call Walgreens back and push the stupid button for customer service AGAIN.

I get a girl this time, I tell her I WANT THE MANAGER. She says to hold and I do for what felt like five years. Then the line starts ringing again and she answers and says:

"cosmetics how can I help you"

*My head DID fly off then*

I said:

"I'VE BEEN HOLDING ALL THIS TIME FOR THE MANAGER, NO ONE IS PICKING UP THE PHONE"!!!!!!!!

So she says "oh hold on..."

I cut her off and said "PLEASE don't put me back on hold, I've been sitting here forever".

She tells me she isn't putting me on hold that she is going to go get the manager herself...then she puts me on hold.

*while on hold this time I decided to curl up in the fetal position in a corner and rock back and forth while sucking my thumb*

FINALLY the manager gets on the phone and I VERY FIRMLY explain what I was trying to do, what the other guy had done and THAT I JUST WANTED TO TALK TO THE PHARMACY IN OCALA...NOT ORLANDO!!!

He does not apologize.

I got no sympathy.

What did he say?

My favorite phrase of course:

HOLD ON.

SURE I MEAN I HAVE BEEN ON THE FREAKING PHONE FOR AN HOUR NOW TRYING TO DO SOMETHING THAT SHOULD TAKE FIVE MINUTES BUT HECK I'LL HOLD SOME MORE.

This time I hear everything as he didn't click the hold button (I had told him not to put me on hold so I guess he figured if he didn't push the hold button I would be thrilled) so it sounded like the phone was flushed down the toilet, dropped and then put through a wind tunnel.

FINALLY the pharmacist picks up, asks for my name and says:

"Yes ma'am it's here and you have three refills"

To which I say:

"Are you sure Orlando says there is nothing there".

His reply:

"They don't know what they are talking about, I'm so sorry ma'am. Next time don't talk to them just ask for us directly"

I DID THAT!!!

I didn't say anything else except thanks but seriously that was SO RIDICULOUS.

Walgreens really needs to knock this off or I am going to go bald.


****On another note****

PLEASE say prayers for my friend Stephanie, her daughter Maia and their family. Maia is 13 w/ES like Makily and they are having some really horrible problems with her lately. Maia has unexplained and seemingly untreatable screaming rage and anger issues. This started THREE years ago and they have tried EVERYTHING to help her. The entire family is exhausted both mentally and physically. Stephanie and Martin are being forced to make INCREDIBLY impossible and heart wrenching decisions. My heart goes out to them.

Please visit their blog and offer them words of encouragement and POSITIVE thoughts during this trying time.

Stephanie's blog for Maia click me

Maia we love you honey and we all so desperately want you to feel better.

Stephanie, I am here for you day or night. My heart is with you right now.

Surgery DONE, Baby Girl is doing AMAZING.

I am soooo grateful you guys!

That was the quickest and EASIEST surgery EVER!

We got up at 3 AM, in Orlando by six. We were headed home BY NOON!

She did awesome, there was no need to intubate this time. They just placed an LMA and she did fine with that.

SHE IS GETTING SO BIG, it seems like she *may* be outgrowing her airway problems.

The hearing screen was "close to normal". Won't know the full results for a few weeks. I am not concerned about it in the least. Ear tubes went in without a hitch. He used Titanium tubes this time so they will last longer. He said her eardrums were "retracted with some fluid" and he cleaned it all out and things look great!

Here is a video and pics of today.

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

**btw thanks Michelle, last video I tried to post that didnt work WAS because I didnt embed it in the html mode. I am a dork. Thanks for your help!**

Thanks for all the prayers, they worked. My baby is doing great!

Momsicle.

Not long after I blogged last night I went in to see why J kept talking to himself.

When I picked him up he was BURNING up hot.

I checked his temp and it was 104.7.

I stripped him down, gave him Motrin and threw him in a cool bath. He played in the tub really well, I can't believe his temp was that high and he was playing. He did keep "talking" so maybe he was hallucinating fun things?! Every now and then he would try to get out (it was cool and not warm like he is used to).

His temp went down to 102 and he fell asleep so I laid him back down.

At five am I heard him "talking" again.

This time he was 103.7.

sigh

He must have remembered the "cool bath" from earlier because he started crying when I put him in the tub. He would not calm down so I got him out. I sat on the couch with him and his eyes started looking all freaky. I got nervous about him possibly having a febrile seizure so I decided to sit with him in a cold shower.

For some reason this was okay with him but he wouldnt let me put him down. He also peed on me and I learned that a baby with a fever of 103+ has MOLTEN LAVA HOT PEE. I guess he figured if he had to be cold and suffering, someone was going to suffer with him. After about the first 10 minutes he was crawling all over the shower and splashing.

I on the other hand I was a shivering Momsicle (I am going to patent this word I think, moog needs to tell me how ;-).

He has ran a fever all day long on and off. I know this is from the FIVE shots he got yesterday. I would have delayed a few of them if I had the choice but I really can't make that decision since he is a foster kid.

We're alternating Tylenol and Motrin but he has been a CRAB all day long.

I just hope that he is better in the morning because having one going in for surgery and then other temping like that IS NO FUN FOR THIS MOMSICLE.

It's still freezing here too guys. I hate the cold weather.

We are getting up in the morning around 3 am to be at APH by 6:15 AM. Does that sound like FUN or what?

Please pray that all goes well with Makily's surgery and that we are home by tomorrow afternoon. As always even though this is a simple surgery, I am starting to get nervous.

sigh

Wonder if I will ever get used to this?

Surgery Friday and stuff......

So yes it's that time, Makily's getting ear tubes on Friday morning. They will also do the ABR (auditory brain response hearing screen).

Typically we ALWAYS stay over night in Orlando but I *think* this time we may actually try and head home Friday afternoon if all is well. I am sure it will all be just fine. If she has ANY troubles whatsoever coming out of anesthesia we will likely stay over night in a hotel . The last time she only had tubes done she was totally fine right afterwards.

It's FLIPPING COLD HERE!

I swear I need to move to Florida where it's warm right?

Yesterday morning driving Makily to school, the temperature thingie said 27 degrees....IS THAT POSSIBLE? Obviously it is but I do not appreciate it one bit. It's soooo darn cold my feet are DRIED OUT and cracking. One is so bad I am limping on it. Ouch.

You know you all wanted to know about my crusty, cracked feet.

J got FIVE shots today.

ugh.

He usually does REALLY well but this time he SCREAMED bloody murder. I have watched his temp and it's been okay (with Motrin/Tylenol) but right now it's 11:48pm and he is in his room talking to himself. That's not like him, usually he sleeps from 7pm to 6am (yes and I love it thank you very much, don't hate, Makily screamed the first six months of her life and never slept so I feel like J's good sleeping habits are God's "sorry bout that" to me LOLOL).

I am proud to say I have been able to stay with my resolve to "let go and let God" as far as J's case is concerned. I have already seen HUGE positive things happening since I finally was able to do this. Other than God dropping an anvil on my head to show me he wants me to BUTT OUT, I am not sure what else he could do. It's all good stuff. That does not mean that something can't go terribly wrong or change as we have seen MANY times in the past several months. I intend on enjoying the positive now and trusting when and if the negative occurs.

More fun posts tomorrow.....I think .

I Confess....

*I Confess that I have a Mountain of laundry that is nearly as high as my house. I just separated it into piles.

Pile One: Towels (We have an UNGODLY AMOUNT OF TOWELS).
Pile Two: Dress Clothes
Pile Three: Blankets and sheets
Pile Four: Around the house clothes and PJ's.

90% of all this are the kids stuff. How these children got all these clothes I have no idea....I don't remember buying all this, I think I may have a problem, is there a hotline for women who obsessively like to buy kid clothes?


*I Confess that after surveying said piles I seriously considered going to the laundry mat. I quickly decided against it when I recalled the last time I went to the laundry mat. Let's just say that trip involved a women wearing flip flops, short shorts (complete with muffin top), a crop top and a dew rag screaming "I'm gon beat yo ass" at her toddler for three hours. Aforementioned toddler had the ever popular koolaid stain/crusty snot mustache.

*I Confess that then I seriously considered a "drop off" laundry service when I remembered I am the cheapest person alive and so I went and started another load.

*I Confess I found another AWESOME blog last night that made me LAUGH SO HARD.

*I Confess that said blog is PRETTY RAUNCHY and nearly offensive(and I am far from a prude) but I continued to read because I SO need a laugh lately. Here is the link to the new raunchy blog, it's HILARIOUS but if you are easily offended DON'T GO HERE!. He uses the "R" word which I hate but again, the rest of his humor CRACKS ME UP so I just try to overlook that word.

*I Confess that I just realized that the "R" word offends me more than any curse word....strange.



*I Confess that I put poopy diapers in a Hellmart....ooops I mean Walmart bag, tie them up and put them outside the front door. This scares door to door sales people away *almost* every time. Unfortunately it irritates Allen but he has stopped yelling at me for it and just takes it to the trash can that is a long 15 feet from my doorway. Looks it's cold here and I am lazy.

*I Confess that I still have HALF of my Christmas decorations up.



*I Confess that our family generates more trash than ANYONE ELSE on our entire street and possibly in our entire neighborhood.

*I Confess that I get WAY too excited over comments on my blog and I'm starting to wonder if that's healthy or not.

Have a great Saturday.

I surrender.

Things are somewhat resolved.

That being said I am taking a step back.

I am surrendering this (seriously this time....stop laughing...I really mean it) to God.

I fear if I don't this entire situation will ruin me.

I can't let that happen.

I have too many people that love me and need me.

Seriously last night I was slipping down so far that I felt the "old me" coming back. Meaning the "me" when Makily was little and I was so consumed with grief, anger, fear, sadness, depression etc. I do not ever want to be in that place again or become that person.

All I can do is love J with every ounce of me and do what is best for him. Ultimately no matter what I do or say what is to be...will be...I have no control in this.

I have to be patient and see what God does.

I have to wait for him.

I am going to be positive and hopeful in all these things and let God do his work. I have control issues and even bigger issues with being patient and so maybe this is the lesson God is trying to pound into my head. What can I say, I'm hard headed and it's taking a while to sink in.

Please pray for strength for me to be able to stay with this resolve, to leave it with God and to trust him.

I have to have blind faith here....there's no other choice.


Damn, this is hard.

I am tired.

Guys I am tired.

I feel defeated.

Betrayed.

Depressed.

Used.

Ignorant.

Defeated.

(I already said that didn't I?)

I feel like I am ALWAYS fighting an uphill battle.

Like I am always taking one step forward and two steps back.

The fighter in me wants to just keep going but honestly at this moment I just want to roll over in a ball and cry.

I want to throw my hands up and say "fine, do whatever you want"!!

I guess I am hard headed because I can't do that.

Either that or I am just plain stupid.

I am so tired, I can't sleep and when I do sleep I dream about what is going on. So it's fitful sleep at best.

There are so many horrible things that could happen in the next several weeks and I am sick over it. I keep telling myself not to keep saying "what if" this or "what if" that. It's hard though when you are dealing with vindictive people that seem to have no conscience.

This is what I get for telling the truth.

This is what I get for putting J's best interest in front of EVERYTHING INCLUDING myself and my feelings.

What have I risked?

Of course when things as horrible as this is going on I find myself saying it again.

WHY GOD............................WHY?

I just don't get it.

I suppose I never will.

I just want some peace and happiness.

That's all I was ever looking for when all this began.

Am I asking too much?

Maybe I don't deserve it, maybe I am destined to struggle all my life.

I don't know how much farther my faith can be stretched.

I don't know how much more crap I can carry on my shoulders, but this has brought me to my knees and I don't know how to get up from here.

I just don't know anything anymore.

Anonymous Comments = COWARDLY PEOPLE

Once again ANOTHER anonymous poster on my blog.

First of all "anonymous" I would like to commend you on how incredibly COWARDLY you are to post something like this and not put your name. VERY NICE. It's really easy for you to comment like this especially when you know ZERO of the circumstances surrounding J'S CASE!!!

I guess I will post it here so everyone can follow whom and what I am answering. This was left in the comment section of my last entry.:

I hope when you say you'll never give up baby J that you don't mean that you would not give him back if the state deemed his parent or parents fit to take care of him. The first goal of Foster Care is to reunite the family, their first obligation is not to help you adopt the first baby that comes along, I'm sorry to say that but it's the truth and you really should already know that. You took on foster care because you couldn't afford to adopt but maybe you should concider saving your pennies and adopting a baby in a few years rather than going through the foster care system. Clearly you have gotten yourself attached to this child and when the day comes that he needs to be returned to his biological parents I seriously hope you give him back. People can actually change and they might actually be able to provide for baby J. You are just the extended babysitter until such time that they can provide for him. You really should have known that you are the sensitive type of person who gets attached and you should have concidered saving all that money you spent on preparing for foster care and just using it for adoption. It's too late for that now, so maybe you should concider once this case is over NOT getting another child from foster care and just saving for adoption. Personally it seems to me that your little girl has enough need of your time that it wouldn't be a bad thing to wait a little longer anyway

******LONG ANNOYED SIGH***********

********DRAMATIC EYE ROLL**********

If J's parents had gotten it together then YES it would rip my heart out but I would not fight tooth and nail to keep him here. If he were going to a home in a stable environment where he would not be in danger DAILY then YES it would hurt but I could let him go. We would not do anything illegal like flee the state or country. Makily is too fragile and we NEED all of our friends and family to survive. We are rooted here and don't plan on leaving. So no we would not risk our freedom and Makily's life, we are not criminals.

FIRST AND FOREMOST being a foster parent it's my job is TO PROTECT AND NURTURE THIS CHILD. What would you do ANONYMOUS if you took care of a child for eight months and were the ONLY MOTHER HE KNEW and you were told they were sending the child into a dangerous situation? Would you sit by and say "well I am just the "extended babysitter" whatever you say DCF". Maybe you would but I WON'T AND CAN'T as I wouldn't be able to live with myself if J's little face was splattered on the front page of the paper weeks later. At least I WILL KNOW that I did EVERYTHING I could possibly do to keep him safe and ultimately DCF made the decision and it's on their heads NOT MINE!!!

I know that DCF's FIRST GOAL is to reunite families. It's been pounded in my head for nearly TWO YEARS now. AT WHAT COST THOUGH?! Reunite a family when the problems that started the entire case ARE STILL BLATANTLY THERE IN EVERYONE'S FACE!?!? Then what? The child (in our case) whom has had a "nearly normal" life is thrown into an environment that he likely will be ripped right back out of months later and put into a DIFFERENT foster home? If that doesn't scream ATTACHMENT DISORDER I don't know what does.

YES people can change I have seen people do it, BUT IN THIS CASE THEY HAVE NOT!

YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT.........NONE. I CAN GUARANTEE IF YOU KNEW THE CIRCUMSTANCES OF THIS CASE (WHICH YOU DON'T) YOU WOULD CRAWL RIGHT BACK INTO THE LITTLE DARK ANONYMOUS HOLE YOU CAME FROM WITH YOUR LITTLE FORKED TAIL TUCKED BETWEEN YOUR LEGS.

I won't even address the LOW BLOW comment you made about Makily and how much time she needs from me. Your not worth it.

I am seriously considering disabling anonymous comments on my blog. The last thing I need is someone coming here without the GUTS to say who they are judging me without knowing what the hell is going on. Don't I have enough to deal with anonymous? Does it make you feel good to pile on ANOTHER weight on my shoulders?

Do me a favor anonymous.......lose my blog address.


*by the way I so hate trying to spell anonymous and it was so annoying to have to go spell check it 800 times. At least I know how to spell "consider".**

Nothing's ever easy.

So just when I thought that "the powers that be" could not shock me anymore....well......they did.
I am aghast at what they have done this time. (I don't think I have ever used the word "aghast" in my life before, it's appropriate here I think!)

I don't know why but I just didn't see this coming.

I admit that I have had some pretty evil thoughts about these people in the last several days. It has helped me tremendously to read through the entries at POSTCARDS FROM INSANITY. It's funny reading my thoughts and feelings written by someone else whom has lived through this hell that I call my life.

Of course I can't share details but I will say that the behavior being displayed right now is sheer vindictive, hateful and just downright childish. How some of these people can do the things they are doing and sleep at night is BEYOND me. I get that after you are in a field for a while you can get hardened to certain things. My feelings on that is that if you have become as HARDENED as these people appear right now, then you need to find another job.

What baffles me is that the "solution" they are coming up with IS so far from what would be beneficial to J it's not even in the same atmosphere. It's so blatantly obvious that this is being done in retaliation. I revealed some things they were not doing correctly and so I suppose this is my punishment.

There is a special place in hell for some of these people.



**warning crude statement ahead*


Allen says that special place is "Under Satan's genitalia".

He said it in a WAYYY cruder way but I tried to clean it up.


Once again forgive my blatentness here. If I am anything I am REAL on my blog and well once again as ugly as it is, this is how I feel.

Keep praying blog stalkers, keep praying.

I'll never give up J.
Love you Baby Boy.


p.s. Michele from Daily Grind, now you partially know why I needed that AWESOME VIDEO you put up last night. Seriously I couldn't think straight ALL DAY and so watching your roll with your punch TOTALLY lifted my spirits. Keep the vids coming girl.