***warning language***
Today I went to Walmart to get a few things.
I was walking through the card aisle when I heard what I thought was a child screaming something that was at first unintelligible. The screaming became louder and more persistent. When I got to the pharmacy section I realized the person screaming was a lady in a wheelchair. I figured out what she was saying too.
" I WANT MY FUCCCCKING SHOES!"
Then the lady would hysterically cry. There was a CNA with her and several other handicapped adults.
I continued shopping and the woman continued screaming:
"I WANT MY FUCKING SHOOOOOOOOOOOOOES!"
I found myself wanting to go and get this lady her shoes. It took lots of control for me to not tell the CNA to PLEASE GET THIS LADY HER SHOES. Of course everyone was staring. There was one patient with a helmet on pushing another in a wheelchair. An older lady that had down syndrome was standing by waiting. I finally did go up to the aide with her and asked if there was something I could get or help her with and she smiled but said no. The lady then tried hitting her and so I walked away.
I felt a lump forming in my throat (I know I'm a cry baby shut up).
sigh.
I try not to think about Makily's future but that situation forced me to.
What if Makily's behavior becomes this way when she is older? Some of the children are reported to have behaviors such as screaming and being difficult the older they get. Hormones and puberty aren't always kind to ES kids.
I fear that.
The last couple of days have been rough. Somehow last night Allen and I ended up in a discussion about what happens when Makily passes.
This is the most depressing, horrible conversation to have and we have always skirted around it or just avoided it altogether but for whatever reason last night it all just came pouring out.
Have I mentioned I HATE this time of year?
I told Allen I can't even see life without her now. How would I get up every day, how does any parent that has lost a child get up and keep going? I guess because you have no other choice but to keep moving forward no matter how incredibly painful it is. I would have to move on because of Jakob. He deserves a mommy and daddy that are fully mentally functional. Without him though I'm sure Allen would need to scrape me out of the bed each day. ....much like he did when Makily was first born.
This life is hard.
Sunday, March 25, 2012
...And now a Walmart Story with Trish the Great.
Posted by Patyrish at 3/25/2012 10:38:00 AM
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1 comments:
Trish, first off (((((((((((hugs))))))))) !!!!! The types of conversations we have to have are beyond the comprehension of the average parent and quite disturbing. Mine usually took place within my own head because it was too awful to speak of out loud. However, my main fears were these: 1) what happens after school 2) what happens if we go first 3) what happens if he goes first? For us, number 1 never happened because he passed, as you know, right before he was done with school (graduation was only months away). We skipped right over the 'what if' something happened to us first because it happened to him. I had always known it would be either a major event like a long withdrawn out hospitalization or a sudden, in his sleep thing. Bryant, it appears, chose his exit carefully, I truly believe that, probably with the Grace of God. He was tired, clearly, but I feel like he had so much left; apparently that was not the 'plan'. There are times when I am so angry but as you know, I have had multiple epiphanies, some quite incredible which have eased my mind and granted me some measure of peace ~ Bryant was here only by the Grace of God and only lived at all through that. Bryant accompllished what his life mission was but that has left me with an enormous hole. Sometimes it's gaping and other times it's filled in somewhat with the memories of his life and the path his siblings are now on because of him and the e-mails and other things I receive relative to his incredible spirit and influence to this day on people he chose to be with. Bryant never had time for the 'haters' or for those who did not 'get' him. Those who did, were granted an unual glimpse of perfection and the incredible spirit he possessd. Puberty was not a great fun time for Bryant, it contributed to the already bad kypho-scoliosis and other endorcine issues. But he did live through it and grew into an incredible young man. My worry was always similar, we have those "walmart" experiences here too. With the closure of institutions we have adults who have nowhere to go and not much to do, so they go to Wal Mart or the Mall. I wanted more for Bryant and had lobbied for changes and Bryant did as well. His future looked wonderful in so many ways; but alas, he passed before we knew what would have happened. My advice to you is stay strong and do not give yourself any regrets. Do what you can in the hear and now. Death brings up regret. I can honestly say I don't have (m)any with Bryant. There are a few, but none so large that it gets in the way of my celebrating a life well-lived. So, I get it. Totally get your post and what you're feeling. My Blog often reflects the sadness of missing such an incredible spirit, because the reality has always been that Bryant carried me. However, Bryant left an indelible mark upon me, his father and his siblings as well as countless individuals who I seem to run into when I need it most. Their faces beam with stories of Bryant escapades and life that was lived for every possible experience and with such intensity that to say he lived 20 years would be accurate in time, but more accurate would be he lived a 'timeless' life and continues to be a huge part of my life, his siblings and his father's as well as so many others. My dreams of Bryant have intensified and I see so many things much more clearly now. This time of year sucks for me too, because I miss him so much (physically) ~ hugs hon ~ Cheryl
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