Goodbye 2011.

So it's 2012.

woo hoo.

I had this longer blog written and I just said screw it I'm just gonna candidly speak.

Bear with me.

Last year blew.

Makily started having seizures again, my grandmother went into a nursing home, I had some personal family issues and I had/HAVE some personal and emotional mental issues.

I've done a lot of soul searching this year. That sounds so cheesy but it really is the truth. I think I'm still more confused than certain of anything.

My faith is almost non existent these days. I can't even pray anymore. When I try I just feel like a fool. Imagine how mind boggling this is for a southern girl who was born and raised in a Baptist and then Pentecostal (yes I know polar opposites, I told you my family is odd) church and baptized at the age of five at her request. Yeah. Talk about opening boxes you had once taped up tightly and stored in the back of your head refusing to ever open......NOT. GOOD.

So with all this soul searching you would think I would have some kind of enlightenment. Some sort of "A HA!" moment that I could blog about and sound like I have it all together...right?

Unfortunately there has still been no enlightenment.

I FAR from have it all together.....TRUST ME.

In fact I am pretty sure at THIS moment in time I know less NOW than I ever have and that my friends is the truth.

"The only thing I am sure of.......is that I'm not sure of ANYTHING."

I should tattoo that on the back of my hand. Seriously no other words could more accurately describe the sense of confusion in my head.

I'm trying to find a good shrink to help straighten me out. I saw one right before Christmas and I left there thinking I WAS ACTUALLY normal and SHE was crazy. That is definitely a blog entry of it's own though.

I'm hoping this year will bring me some clarity and peace. I am so full of anxiety I wish I could get away from myself sometimes. I actually had three full out panic attacks this year. I've had them before but not like this. I felt each coming on and typically I can control it and think of something else, do something else and have always avoided it turning into a big deal.

I have lost the ability to control it anymore.

The first one was the day Makily's teacher called and literally JUST said "Trish, COME QUICK!!" and nothing else. My friend Trish witnessed THAT panic attack and let's just say it was UGLY. I screamed and cried and was a total lunatic. I was hyperventilating and saying over and over "WHAT IF SHE IS DYING.....WHAT IF SHE IS NOT BREATHING...IT MUST BE A SEIZURE SHE'S GOING TO DIE OMG SHE'S GONNA DIE I'M NOT READY...." all the way there....... The school called during the HORRIFIC car ride there to say Makily was at least breathing.........I made Trish say over and over to me "She is breathing, she is breathing, she is breathing....." Bless her heart she repeated it like a mantra and I will never forget that. It was the only thing that kept me IN the car at the stop lights or when we were delayed by a train (yes seriously...my luck) and then a STUPID cop who was pulling someone over.....I really almost got out that time. Thankfully Trish talked me down. Thank you for that....as I type this please know my chin is quivering and I have tears streaming down my face. I love you girl.



The second panic attack was later in the year and I felt it coming. My entire head and neck got REALLY hot, I could feel myself breathing faster and right as I was on the edge of full panic attack and sanity I remember thinking in my head that I didnt have the strength anymore to fight it off and it just overtook my whole body. I sat hyperventilating, crying, my head in my hands, shaking and feeling nauseous......feeling pieces of my sanity slowly leave me. It was bizarre and scary and I finally just collapsed into a heap on the bed and I could actually feel when the attack was slowly subsiding and when I was actually starting to be able to control myself again. I won't describe what brought this on, it's too personal and sometimes I share too much here anyway.

I have heard people claim they have panic attacks too. When I asked them what it felt like they said they just felt fidgety.

SERIOUSLY?

Maybe I'm crazy....(lol) but when I feel fidgety that's what I call it.......fidgety. I don't dramatize it for attention by calling it A PANIC ATTACK. Grow up. Realize that dramatizing your fidgetiness (yes I just made that word up) by calling it a panic attack IS VERY ANNOYING to those that actually suffer from them. You suck.... a lot.

END RANT ABOUT THAT.

So my goal for 2012 is to get myself to a place mentally where I am not on the verge of a panic attack all the time. I want to get my house back in order, get my mind as "clear" as it can possibly be. It's been a while since I felt mental clarity. I bet it feels nice. I want that. I don't even totally remember what it feels like.

I have all these people tell me how strong I am, what a great person I am, I'm inspiring...yada yada yada. The fact of the matter is I don't feel any of those things about myself. These people don't witness the "say she's breathing" moments. They don't see me on my kids bedroom floor sobbing after she's fallen asleep. They don't know EVERYTHING about me. Only what I reveal here. I realize I am imperfect. Sometimes I feel like I am MORE imperfect than everyone else.

They don't know some of the EPIC mistakes I have made. I've made some decisions others wouldn't have but honestly I wouldn't go back and change it now. I have experienced things I wouldn't have otherwise and I cherish those experiences and lessons I learned. I am grateful for those that came into my life this year whether it be for just a season or for the rest of my life.

I've learned a lot about myself...but I still feel like I don't know anything.

Painful or not it was worth it.



One more thing this year has taught me is to LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY AND WITHOUT RESERVATIONS. The rewards of this are great.