So Makily's little noggin is looking better. The bruise has turned from blue/purple to yellowish.
She has been happy as a clam and you would never know that anything had happened by the way she acts.
I took her and J to Walmart last week. I always have an issue with how to carry both of them in the store without the double stroller. If I use the stroller I can't push a cart obviously. I ended up using one of those for older kids (ya know the carts that look like a bus!) and it worked great....until Makily fell asleep sitting up. I finished shopping quickly while holding her head up! Everyone that saw her went on and on about how cute and sleepy she was :-)
J has started grabbing EVERYTHING within arms reach. When we go shopping he is Mr. Octopus Man. I caught him doing this at TJ Maxx the other day.
Frightening that he already is grabbing at bra's!
The anxiety about all that's happening with J's case is totally overwhelming me right now. Saturday I literally laid in my bed for a while just thinking about everything that was going on until I felt sick. I forced myself to get up and go for a "wogg" because that is the only thing that gets me out of that funk. Yesterday I had an attack in Walmart of all places. I was thinking about how if J's Dad gets him back that we will have to cut contact. Just typing that hurts. It will not be fair to J to have us in and out of his life while trying to bond with his Dad. He is going to be confused enough. I was thinking of the letter I would write to him about how much we love him and saying "goodbye". I suddenly felt like the wind had been knocked out of me and I had to stop thinking about it. I hate that feeling.
All that being said nothing is certain about what is going to happen with Little J. It's up and down and back and forth as always. I pondered my conversation with his Dad the entire weekend and I took some control and did something about it. Part of the problem in this situation is that I have ZERO control. I am having to leave things in others hands and it makes me crazy. I have a hard time depending on other people that are NOT family members. Since Makily was born I have been burned so many times that I just have this mind set "if anything is going to get done I have to do it myself". I CAN'T do things myself here because then it looks like I am a meddling foster mother that does not support reunification. I TOTALLY do support reunification IF it is done properly and the bio parent truly has "fixed" the problem. When I know first hand they have not it's hard to smile, nod and pretend like I think it's a good idea for the kid to go home. I have become very good at pretending now. I told my mom that I need a freaking academy award for the act I am putting on.
I realize that in taking control and doing what I did yesterday could totally blow up in my face. I have to know that I did EVERYTHING I was supposed to do to protect J. If I sat back and did nothing and something horrible happened to him later on down the road because I was afraid of what might happen TO ME then I would never forgive myself.
In the end ALL THAT MATTERS is that he is safe, well cared for and most of all happy and loved. If that is with another family I will have to deal with it, it will hurt but I can live with it as long as I know he is safe.
She has been happy as a clam and you would never know that anything had happened by the way she acts.
I took her and J to Walmart last week. I always have an issue with how to carry both of them in the store without the double stroller. If I use the stroller I can't push a cart obviously. I ended up using one of those for older kids (ya know the carts that look like a bus!) and it worked great....until Makily fell asleep sitting up. I finished shopping quickly while holding her head up! Everyone that saw her went on and on about how cute and sleepy she was :-)
J has started grabbing EVERYTHING within arms reach. When we go shopping he is Mr. Octopus Man. I caught him doing this at TJ Maxx the other day.
Frightening that he already is grabbing at bra's!
The anxiety about all that's happening with J's case is totally overwhelming me right now. Saturday I literally laid in my bed for a while just thinking about everything that was going on until I felt sick. I forced myself to get up and go for a "wogg" because that is the only thing that gets me out of that funk. Yesterday I had an attack in Walmart of all places. I was thinking about how if J's Dad gets him back that we will have to cut contact. Just typing that hurts. It will not be fair to J to have us in and out of his life while trying to bond with his Dad. He is going to be confused enough. I was thinking of the letter I would write to him about how much we love him and saying "goodbye". I suddenly felt like the wind had been knocked out of me and I had to stop thinking about it. I hate that feeling.
All that being said nothing is certain about what is going to happen with Little J. It's up and down and back and forth as always. I pondered my conversation with his Dad the entire weekend and I took some control and did something about it. Part of the problem in this situation is that I have ZERO control. I am having to leave things in others hands and it makes me crazy. I have a hard time depending on other people that are NOT family members. Since Makily was born I have been burned so many times that I just have this mind set "if anything is going to get done I have to do it myself". I CAN'T do things myself here because then it looks like I am a meddling foster mother that does not support reunification. I TOTALLY do support reunification IF it is done properly and the bio parent truly has "fixed" the problem. When I know first hand they have not it's hard to smile, nod and pretend like I think it's a good idea for the kid to go home. I have become very good at pretending now. I told my mom that I need a freaking academy award for the act I am putting on.
I realize that in taking control and doing what I did yesterday could totally blow up in my face. I have to know that I did EVERYTHING I was supposed to do to protect J. If I sat back and did nothing and something horrible happened to him later on down the road because I was afraid of what might happen TO ME then I would never forgive myself.
In the end ALL THAT MATTERS is that he is safe, well cared for and most of all happy and loved. If that is with another family I will have to deal with it, it will hurt but I can live with it as long as I know he is safe.
8 comments:
oh it has to be so hard Trish.
You are doing the best you can.
I hope that he will be with you for the rest of his life. He is lucky to have you now.
You have a big heart and deserve to keep him.
Big Hugs.
GOD is in control. Not you, not J's bio parents, not any other human force. Just God. I hope you can believe that He loves you and take comfort in His control over your circumstances.
Have you considered seeking Biblical counseling from a pastor or Christian counselor to help you deal with your life situation? You just seem to be consumed by anxiety, anger, hurt and bitterness, and those things will tear you apart and make you miserable for the rest of your life if you don't find a way to let God work in your heart and give you true peace and strength (and yes, even joy). You talk about trusting God, but it's obvious that you have a big chip on your shoulder where He's concerned. You're still angry and distrustful of Him because of Makily's condition, and every little thing that doesn't go your way is just more evidence, in your mind, that He is letting you down or doesn't care about you. Please, please find a way to let that go, because He loves you, and He loves Makily and J even more than you do, and He wants you to let Him carry you through these trials.
May God meet you where you are, may he comfort you, and may He enable you to break free of this anxiety and truly put your life in His loving hands.
I feel for you. Don't know what you're going through but Lord do I feel for you. Love you lots! J
tara said...
who is this anonymous guy? i don't know whether to say God bless you back, or WTF?
Ok. To the anonymous person that said this comment to my friend Trish.
I would like to sit and have coffee with you and discuss your approach. First off, Yes, you are right in that God is in control..but saying Trish has a big chip on her shoulder made me hit the pause button in my heart. WHY? Because clearly..you don't know Trish. Listen to me please...I beg you. I'm clearly angry with a Godly Anger at you anonymous person. Your comment sounds spoken from a person that has probably NEVER experienced serious pain and humbling IN CHRIST. (especially with a child from your womb) Trust you me..it's so easy to say what you wrote..but seriously? Do you really think you've spoken in love. Do you really think this comment of yours will want any person to run to church? Hear me out anonymous person. This momma knows God. Ok. She's in 'the walk' and her feelings are a process. And, God is working in her life. As we all have to go through this process of surrending, etc. That's why the Christian life is called "A daily walk". SO.., do you think Jesus would cut her off and just say "you know, you've got a big chip on your shoulder, your consumed, you don't trust me, you don't etc..., your not in conrol, God is."
Ok. my point: I love the Lord anonymous person..and I have had biblical counseling and your response is what we 'humbled' Christians like to call you "well intended Christians" that speak it..but probably have never lived it.
You are OFF base anonymous person. You are what us HUMBLED CHRISTIANS run from and this advice is cleary inexperienced and self righteous.
My Jesus doesn't talk like this to me..nor to my loved ones whom seek Him when feeling anxious and hurt. And I challenge you to send me scripture that will back your response to a hurting mom up! I mean it. Show me where Jesus responds to a hurting woman like this? Show me. Jesus is kind, loving and merciful.
I CHALLENGE YOU. And..I'm posting with WHO I AM. Not anonymously. Email me anytime if you reproof what I'm saying. But consider my heart back to yours. Please next time, consider your approach and your audience. Yes, some of what you said is true..but I'm speaking to you Christian to Christian. Do you really think this comment brings people closer to Christ?
P.S. Trish---girl, here's my comment to your blog.
I love you, I'm praying for you, God loves you. And..weep girl...weep and know that you are NOT ALONE and your feelings are valid and you will get through this by God's grace and mercy.
I love you, Andrea
P.S.S. Trish..sorry to vent on your comment blog. But I cannot handle this type of Christian talk. It angers me with a Godly passion.
To Trish:
You know I do not comment on here much, because hey, I'm your sister, and I see or talk to you nearly every day, cause that's what we do. Know that I feel your pain, and that I am always here for you when you need to talk.
To Anonymous:
If you have been reading this blog for any length of time, you would realize and understand that this is Trish's outlet. This is her soap box, this is how she let's out her "negative" and moves along to the next obstacle in her life. She does not run around spouting meanness and grump all the time. Part of turning it over to God is letting out all of our insecurities, all of our anger, frustration, fear, shame, and whatever else negative we glean from a situation, then turning it to God.
This is a BLOG. A DIARY. Most people don't put themselves out there like my sister has, because they are afraid of what others will think. My sister does it so that other people in her situation can understand that they are not alone, that their feelings are valid, that someone else is going through the same thing they are, and someone understands.
I am sure that in your life, you have had moments when you have questioned why God, WHY?? If not, then I guess your life is perfect. Try raising a child that suffers REGULARLY and see how often you raise the question.
None of us are perfect, all of us have flaws, and struggle daily in our walk with God, because we are HUMAN.
I thank you for your comment, because I think you meant well and are trying to help a fellow christian, but maybe you should ask God for guidance in phrasing your responses before you post them next time, because the way you phrased that was a TOTAL turnoff. And next time, use your name so we can keep in touch. I am always up for speaking with someone who is concerned about mine or my family's spiritual walk.
To Andrea:
Love you girl. Thank you.
I like the WTF approach. To anonynmous, mind your own damn business and seek some Biblical teaching elsewhere b/c whereever you are getting your teachings from are doing you a disservice!
Comments like these give Christianity a bad name. Tolerance and understanding is how Jesus would act, not judgemental.
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