Losing My Religion.

I have ALWAYS loved music and I am one of those people that will hear a song and say

"Oh this is sooo me!"

Allen likes to make fun of me for this. In the beginning of our relationship he was well....Allen was a jerk and he will tell you that himself. I knew underneath his hard shell there was an amazing guy (I was right ;-) I recall once telling him that "I can't make you love me" was our song. I loved him and he was VERY stand offish early on in our relationship. Not long after that Allen and I were in the car and he says "Oh I heard a song this week and it made me think of us". Of course you can imagine my happiness in that Allen had picked a song that made him think of me right?

He played the song.....it had an incredibly LOOOOOOOONG intro (remember all the while I am waiting with baited breath to hear the words to the song that he thought was "us"). Anyway once the singing started and I realized it was some 80's metal band screaming the words "I want ya to rock me" I wanted to punch him. While he thought it was funny I didn't see the humor. I assure you Allen is a changed man and I have since forgiven him for his evil ways of the past.

So today I decided to go for a walk. I had my IPOD and somehow ended up with music on there that I didn't really mean to put there. Allen has been using it lately and at times I can't seem to figure out how to get his stuff off.

The song "Losing my Religion" by REM came on.

The first memory that sparked from hearing this song was how when it came out how everyone was up in arms about not only the lyrics but the video. I never really paid much attention to the song because in our household it was one of "those" songs and we just didn't listen to it. I didn't really understand it anyway. I was in to New Kids On The Block at the time and was too busy planning my wedding with Joey McIntyre (circa 1991)!

Give a 14 year old girl a break!

The second memory that was sparked was how I listened to this song over and over in the months after Makily was born. While this song is said to have so many meanings the lead singer of REM Michael Stipe who wrote it claims it was about an obsessive relationship.

When Makily was born I had a totally different interpretation of the song.

The lyrics were all the things I felt and wanted to say to God and felt guilty for thinking and wanting to say.

I walked up the driveway of my house and laid in the middle of my yard with my headphones turned backwards, eyes closed and listened to the song over and over. I noticed every now and then I had tears in my eyes. I wonder what my neighbors were thinking I was doing.

I did something I try not to do too often, I let myself think about how I felt in the months after Makily was born.

I was so confused about my entire life.

I felt like I was being forced to be something, someone I couldn't and had no desire to be. I felt that I was being tested and that God knew it was a test I would fail miserably.

I questioned everything I had ever believed and wondered why if God was real would he let my child suffer, force me to watch her suffering, make it my fault she was suffering (since I am a carrier for Makily's genetic problem). To top it off, how could I have more babies knowing that I could have another sick one?

I felt like a fool.

I believed God was laughing at me.

What type of cruel God does that?

It made no sense and it was a constant struggle for me to pray. I hated God. I had begged him to give me a baby and he finally did, and she was near death.

I also felt like I was right in the spotlight. Like everyone around me was waiting for me to fall apart. I tried to pretend I was okay but I was really awful at faking it.

I felt like the "happy normal" life I thought I was going to have once Makily was born was just a fantasy.....a dream that wouldn't come true......ever.

It took me several months, but I started to see how all of this was foreshadowed YEARS before Makily was even born. My life read like a book. God had been preparing me for this all along. It was my destiny. I don't know why he picked me to be Makily's mother.

One of the things I remember thinking vividly when the doctor diagnosed Makily was that I would never laugh again. Never have fun, the good part of my life was over and I was destined to live a life of sorrow, sadness and suffering.

Almost four years later I see that I couldn't have been more wrong.

I am the happiest I have ever been in my life.......and it's BECAUSE of Makily.

Here are a few scriptures that have helped me along the way:

Proverbs 3:5, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding."

Psalm 139 : 13-16
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful,I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

We've come a long way from this...........

Loosing My Religion
by REM

Oh, life is bigger
It's bigger than you
And you are not me
The lengths that I will go to
The distance in your eyes
Oh no, I've said too much
I set it up

(chorus)
That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight, I'm
Losing my religion
Trying to keep up with you
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no, I've said too much
I haven't said enough
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try

Every whisper
Of every waking hour I'm
Choosing my confessions
Trying to keep an eye on you
Like a hurt lost and blinded fool, fool
Oh no, I've said too much
I set it up
Consider this
Consider this
The hint of the century
Consider this
The slip that brought me
To my knees failed
What if all these fantasies
Come flailing around
Now I've said too much
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try

But that was just a dream
That was just a dream

(repeat chorus)

But that was just a dream
Try, cry, why try?
That was just a dream
Just a dream, just a dream
Dream

Here's the video, it's kind of freaky and I almost didn't post it on my blog but I wanted you to be able to hear it as well as read the lyrics.