Christmas 2008 Run Down

J hated Santa. He screamed bloody murder for his picture.



Makily loved him as always and stared intently.



The kids got so many toys and clothes that our house looks like Toys R Us exploded.



I got a NEW LAPTOP that I needed desparately BUT NEVER would have bought for myself. Allen really is an awesome husband.



Allen got a Magellen Navigation System and he loves it. Everywhere we went today he had to "test it" to make sure it was right. It was.



I am tired, feeling fat and lazy. Gotta get back on Jenny Craig and wogging after the New Year.



Thanks to all my family and friends. We appreicated each and every gift.



Now photo overload.



Enjoy.



Elmo and "Brobee" from Yo Gabba Gabba. These were the "big toys" we got this year. The kids love them both. The Elmo is REALLY cool and I am shocked at all the things he does.





Makily's Cabbage Patch (Andrea I thought of you and Luke's "sister" when I bought this! LOL)





A small portion of our Christmas Mess





My mom and Makily on Christmas Day





Makily and Uncle John on Christmas Eve





Little J's Christmas Robeeze





Allen Christmas Eve





Little Beauty





Happy Girl





The Princess with Santa









Christmas Eve








Christmas Morning, she's not sure what the heck to think!





That's all for now. Will try and blog more updates in the next couple of days. Christmas really has me thrown off right now.

What must Jospeh have been thinking?

Two weeks ago our church had a Christmas program.

The WHOLE family went and the program was really nice.

Their was one scene in particular that REALLY spoke to me.

I found myself with a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes listening and watching it.

The scene was about what Joseph must have been thinking/feeling and praying while Mary was in labor.

It struck me because I have often times found myself saying (and I have said it on this blog more times than I can count):

"THIS IS NOT WHAT I HAD PLANNED"!!!

I think in ALL of our lives we can look back and see times when we desperately wanted God to come down and explain himself. Many times I would have given my right arm if he could just come down and say "Patricia, this is happening because XYZ". I have learned (and am still learning and MUST remind myself a million times a day) that sometimes we just have to have blind faith and believe that there is a plan. I may not be able to see it, touch it, feel it or even understand it....but that is what having faith is all about.

I was thinking about what to blog on this Christmas Eve and it hit me that I needed to somehow find that "Joseph's Prayer" . I didn't have to look long, I found it almost immediately.

I hope you all are ministered to by it and enjoy it as much as I did.

Joseph's Prayer

What was he thinking while Jesus was being born? What was on his mind while Mary was giving birth? He'd done all he could do-heated the water, prepared a place for Mary to lie. He'd made Mary as comfortable as she could be in a barn and then he stepped out. She'd asked to be alone, and Joseph has never felt more so.

In that eternity between his wife's dismissal and Jesus' arrival, what was he thinking? He walked into the night and looked into the stars. Did he pray?

For some reason, I don't see him silent; I see Joseph animated, pacing. Head shaking one minute, fist shaking the next. This isn't what he had in mind. I wonder what he said . . .

This isn't the way I planned it, God. Not at all. My child being born in a stable? This isn't the way I thought it would be. A cave with sheep and donkeys, hay and straw? My wife giving birth with only the stars to hear her pain?

This isn't at all what I imagined. No, I imagined family. I imagined grandmothers. I imagined neighbors clustered outside the door and friends standing at my side. I imagined the house erupting with the first cry of the infant. Slaps on the back. Loud laughter. Jubilation.

That's how I thought it would be.

The midwife would hand me my child and all the people would applaud. Mary would rest and we would celebrate. All of Nazareth would celebrate.

But now. Now look. Nazareth is five days' journey away. And here we are in a . . . in a sheep pasture. Who will celebrate with us? The sheep?

The shepherds? The stars?

This doesn't seem right. What kind of husband am I? I provide no midwife to aid my wife. No bed to rest her back. Her pillow is a blanket from my donkey. My house for her is a shed of hay and straw.

The smell is bad, the animals are loud. Why, I even smell like a shepherd myself.

Did I miss something? Did I, God?

When you sent the angel and spoke of the son being born - this isn't what I pictured. I envisioned Jerusalem, the temple, the priests, and the people gathered to watch. A pageant perhaps. A parade. A banquet at least. I mean, this is the Messiah!

Or, if not born in Jerusalem, how about Nazareth? Wouldn't Nazareth have been better? At least there I have my house and my business. Out here, what do I have? A weary mule, a stack of firewood, and a pot of warm water. This is not the way I wanted it to be! This is not the way I wanted my son.

Oh my, I did it again. I did it again, didn't I, Father? I don't mean to do that; it's just that I forget. He's not my son . . . he's yours.

The child is yours. The plan is yours. The idea is yours. And forgive me for asking but . . . is this how God enters the world? The coming of the angel, I've accepted. The questions people asked about the pregnancy, I can tolerate. The trip to Bethlehem, fine. But why a birth in a stable, God?

Any minute now Mary will give birth. Not to a child, but to the Messiah.

Not to an infant, but to God. That's what the angel said. That's what Mary believes. And, God, my God, that's what I want to believe. But surely you can understand; it's not easy. It seems so . . . so . . . so . . . bizarre.

I'm unaccustomed to such strangeness, God. I'm a carpenter. I make things fit. I square off the edges. I follow the plumb line. I measure twice before I cut once. Surprises are not the friend of a builder. I like to know the plan. I like to see the plan before I begin.

But this time I'm not the builder, am I? This time I'm a tool. A hammer in your grip. A nail between your fingers. A chisel in your hands.

This project is yours, not mine.

I guess it's foolish of me to question you. Forgive my struggling. Trust doesn't come easy to me, God. But you never said it would be easy, did you?

One final thing, Father. The angel you sent? Any chance you could send another? If not an angel, maybe a person? I don't know anyone around here and some company would be nice. Maybe the innkeeper or a traveler?

Even a shepherd would do.

Copyright (c) 2008 Max Lucado from the book Cast of Characters: Common People in the Hands of an Uncommon God published by Thomas Nelson; September 2008

I also wanted to attach this video of "Mary Did You Know". It's one of MY FAVORITE Christmas songs. It is done to clips from "The Passion of the Christ". I would not let your little ones watch it as some of the clips are rather graphic. I picked this video though because of how much I loved the movie. I was pregnant with Makily when it came out and I remember sobbing through the majority of it.

You know it was a good movie when you come out and your face is red and puffy from crying right?!

Okay so I admit, I'm a smidge warped.

So anyway here it is:

What a Party!

We had an amazing 1st Birthday party for Little J.

Cousin Micah and "The Pa Pa" have birthday's in December so we celebrated them all at once. It's a little funny that my Dad had a Monster Truck Birthday party though!

He got TONS of clothes and toys. Most of all he had TONS of love. He played, he laughed, he was loved on and held all day long. He ate his cake on my living room floor (don't worry I had mopped it that morning!). He smeared it everywhere and had A BIG TIME. He only had one nap all day and usually that means you have a GRUMPY baby by four.....not Saturday he was the happiest, sweetest little boy.

We just invited immediately family and close friends. I thought that would make it even more special and that it wouldnt be so crowded. WOW, when I looked around and saw how many people love J in my tiny house, I was touched.

Thank you to everyone that came and loved BOTH my babies. I am so grateful for the love and support you all have shown to our family. Not once has ANYONE close to us EVER treated Makily differently because of her special needs. The same goes for J, you would never have known that he was not "genetically" (that's probably a good thing right LOLOL) a part of our family. He is loved and treasured by all of us.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY BIG ONE YEAR OLD. WE LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

**warning, this will be TOTAL PICTURE OVERLOAD and I hope you love it as much as I do!**

*oh and PS......Thanks to Barbara at my mom's work for the fruit and wine basket. WE LOVED IT and J even ate some of the grapes!*



THE FOOD TABLE!


The cake, notice how it says "Baby J", it's funny that in real life we have started calling him his "blog name" LOLOLOL


The bounce house was a HIT!


My full house, we were busting at the seams but it was great!


"HE STOLE MY PUPPY"! This picture cracks me UP!


"Get this Puppy Theif off of me"!!!


"Why, Why are you all laughing at my misery"?


"Oh sweet, puppy, back in my arms again"!


"I think I'm okay now'


BIG SIX year old Micah and Mommy


Trishtwo and Pretty Cameron Rose


Justin and Cole


Sweet Alivia


Micah and Deborah opening presesnts


Allen and his clone aka Mini Me aka SWEET MAKILY (I swear this picture really shows how much she looks like Daddy, it's almost like I had nothing to do with it).


Micah and Cameron. When they see each other they always have a nice warm hug, they both close their eyes during the hug too, we need to watch these two!


Little Deborah...ooops I'm sorry it's Delaney again!


Me and my Angel Girl


Brianna, she had the CUTEST outfit and prettiest bow ever! She's incredibly snuggly too!


Work it Cameron baby WORK IT!


Makily and Uncle Justin


OMG I GOT ANOTHER GORILLA, this kid loves gorilla's, the hulk and dinosaurs!


Allen and Micah BOUNCIN!
(Allen's shirt says "I ate jalapeno" and had a stick figure with fire coming out of his butt.....only my husband...only my husband.)


This is SO fun!


He loves this POPPER!


CAKE


Cake feet!


Cool BOOTS!


All J's new clothes!


He got a TON of new toys too, I havent gotten the pics of those uploaded yet. We are having all kinds of issues with our desktop and I fear we may have to buy a new one. I'm hoping it's just the monitor. We'll see.

It was a zoo in this house and I loved EVERY MINUTE OF IT.

We had a button fiasco yesterday. I was pretty bad. I cried, Makily cried, Allen paced like a maniac. Oh the joy of it all. I'll blog it tomorrow. I have a ton of crap to finish today. Christmas is sneaking up on me so fast and I just have SO many balls up in the air. I don't know how I think straight most of the time.

What was I just doing?

I have blog slacked this week.

It seems like between all that's going on with J's case, Christmas, getting my tubes tied, Lots of upcoming appts for Makily, licensing workers calling (yes they already want to start re-licensing us, GOD LORD) I ha vent had time to really get anything done. I know I am horribly distracted because I will walk across the house to get or do something and have NO IDEA what I just went to do by the time I get to where I am going.

I need some Ginko Biloba I think.

We are celebrating J's first birthday this weekend. It's not his real birthday but I didn't want to do it on a week day. I have not posted about his real birthday for privacy and confidentiality reasons.

I can't believe he is ONE though.

Is that crazy or what?

I'll post whatever pictures of his party that I can.

I am loving my freelance job with the newspaper. It's cool that they are letting me try so many different things. It's a bright spot.

I'm doing alright by the way. Hanging in there and taking things day by day. I don't know how to function any other way at this point. If I focus on all the bad things that could happen in the coming months I will be a walking anxiety attack (I did that for a day or so and hmmm...I didn't like it much). I'm not good to Makily or J if I can't think straight right?

So I am desperately trying to pull myself up by the boot straps and get it together.

Keep the prayers coming for Allen, Makily, for me and right now especially for our Little J.

Christmas Parade 2008

So yesterday was Ocala's Christmas Parade.

We go every year. I was determined we were going this year.....it will be J's first and Makily always has a great time.

We parked at Allen's mom's house that is right off the the Blvd. I drove her motorized scooter and Allen pushed the kids to our seats in the double stroller. I didn't feel up to walking all that way yet and so I borrowed Julie's scooter. It was great! LOLOL

Makily ate cotton candy WILLINGLY.

J stayed up way past his bed time and we all had a nice time.

Here are pics from the evening.

Makily and Brianna playing together
(red stuff on Makily's bib is cotton candy slobber!)


Cole saying "Hi" to Kily


Delaney and Makily playing


Daddy and Baby J Bird aka Santa Baby


Delaney cheesin for the camera


Me with a Glow Stick on my head
(holy cow my glasses need an adjustment, look how crooked LOLOL)


Mommy KISSES!


Deborah and Delaney


Herman and Micah


Daddy and Kily watching the parade


I am still doing good.

My body is a little "out of whack" right now but nothing serious. My belly button is itchy and irritated. I did great yesterday only had to take a pain pill once before the parade and then at bed time. I tried going without one today. I lasted until after church and was feeling really crummy so I took one and then had a long nap. Allen has been amazing. He has taken care of both the kids and me. He has not complained one bit. I am so blessed to have him.

More to come this week.

Nerve wracking stuff but really what else is new?

It's Done.

Yesterday morning I arrived at the hospital at 8:30 am.

My mom and both sisters were there waiting for Allen and I.

I am so lucky to have my incredibly supportive family.

They took me back did my vitals and then had me pee in a cup and get in a gown. They even gave me some bright teal grippy socks to wear!

Nothing like a hospital gown, BRIGHT teal socks, florescent lighting and a marshmallow hat to make you look SEXY!


You know I look hot! No you can't have my hat.


I kept noticing that my gown had an itchy tag inside it. It was really annoying me so I decided to inspect. Imagine my horror when I realized it was NOT a tag but someone else's old EKG lead stuck to the inside of my gown. Allen and I were both so grossed out.

It did look like it had been washed....but still.....

PUKE.

I called the nurse and showed her.......then I asked her if I had MRSA now. LOLOLOL She quickly got me another gown and explained that sometimes they just throw the gowns in the washer without inspecting that nothing is left sticking to them. Deborah reassured me those gowns are practically boiled in such hot water so I think I am safe from MRSA.

We waited in "pre-pre op" for an hour which was ANNOYING.

Once I got into pre-op though I was very tearful but numb and sad. Allen was sweet. I love him. The nurse came and did my IV and that's when my nerves started to get take over. Luckily the Anesthesiologist gave me some VERSAD and WOW that stuff works wonders.

Drugs are good...mmmmkay?!


I was in and out of it. I vaguely remember Dr. Johnson coming in and asking me if I knew what they were going to do and then asking if I knew why.

I just said "no more babies".

:-(

sigh

They came and took me into the OR about 20 minutes later. Thankfully I was still loopy. They put an oxygen mask on me. Dr. Johnson came in and they started push more Versad and they must have pushed it fast because IT FREAKED ME OUT. I kept telling them to take the mask off that something was wrong. I thought I was going deaf. My eyes were crossing and I couldnt focus. Dr. Johnson came over and was stroking my hand saying "It's okay Trish just breathe in and out". The nurse asked me if my ears were ringing and I said "No I think I am deaf take this off". Obviously I wasnt deaf but I couldnt explain what I was feeling since I was out of it. It felt like I was hanging my head out a moving car window and the wind was blowing HARD in my ears. Dr. Johnson was awesome and kept holding my head and saying "Your okay Trish just breathe honey".



The next thing I remember was waking up in post op hearing "bong bong bong" and trying to take a cannula off my face. The nurse had given me Dilauded when I first woke up (I don't remember this) because I said I was hurting. My o2 sats kept dropping because I kept falling asleep from it. For some reason the cannula made me mad and I remember thinking I just want it off.

I guess I am not a good patient.

The nurse put a mask on me and I kept drifting in and out. I would wake up to the "bonging" again and the nurse telling me to take deep breaths. I kept asking "Where is Allen, is Makily okay"? (I thought the bonging at first was MAKILY'S o2 sat dropping).

I finally woke up some and she put the cannula back on, I was not thrilled with it. I remember I kept telling her I'm sorry. lololol

She was very nice to me though and just kept saying "it's okay". She fed me ice chips and I started to wake up more.




They took me to post op and I sat there for a while drinking juice and water. Allen had to run to the school to pick Makily up so Deborah was waiting for me in Pre-op. It's kind of awesome having a sister that's a nurse by the way. She was great. Allen bought me a balloon and this doll. It's an old man with a shirt that says "If I flush will you go away". We all keep joking that the doll is Allen in 30 years. It also sings "Doncha" I have named him "Mr. Doncha". Makily loves him and thinks he's hilarious.



So my belly button is really sore. I have been laying as flat as I can to avoid gas pains in my shoulders. My right shoulder was bothering me last night but as long as I lay down it's okay. Allen has been great about giving me my pain meds (Percocet) when it's time so I know that's helping me. I had some peeing problems yesterday (too much info I know). That seems to have resolved as today goes on though.

Emotionally right now I am okay. I don't know if it's a "drug induced" okay or if it has not totally sunken in yet. For now though I know I made the right choice and I have a peace knowing that I won't accidentally bring a sick baby into the world. That I won't have to face the decisions I talked about before.

Thanks to everyone that left such touching comments. Many of them made me cry. I appreciated each one. I love that I have such a great blog family that prays and thinks of us. Please continue to pray that my resolve in this stays the same and that I don't find myself incredibly depressed about it a month from now.

Love
Trish

It's been nearly five years.

Since we heard the words:

"Balanced 11,22 Translocation".

Soon after that we were told we could have ANOTHER child with Emanuel Syndrome.

We were also informed we were at high risk for multiple miscarriages and still birth.

I was still reeling from Makily's diagnosis just a week before........and then this.

I remember that day so clearly.

Makily was still in the NICU.

In fact it was the same day she had her FIRST G tube placement surgery.

She was three weeks old. I was walking into the NICU to see Makily before her surgery. I can still smell the soap I had just washed my hands with. I vividly remember the feeling of panic when I saw the Geneticist walking towards me. I wanted him to just tell me....hurry up.......what are you going to say?

When he did tell me he was SHORT, not so sweet but to the point. I remember standing there watching him quickly walk away feeling like I had just been kicked in the chest.

I remember thinking to myself that I would never have another child. It was too painful on top of all the other crap going on and so I would push it as far back as I could.

When I mentioned it to anyone they would quickly say "Oh you shouldn't worry about that right now".

So I tried not to worry about it, I tried not to talk about it.

Deep down though, in my heart I knew Makily would be the first, last and only baby that grew in my tummy.

Allen and I have discussed every option and scenario there is as far as children are concerned. I have struggled and gone back and forth as far as what I want to do. The last year or so has given me some clarity.

I don't EVER want to get pregnant naturally EVER again. The thought of it nauseates me.

If I did get pregnant again I would have wait an agonizing six weeks or more to know if the baby was healthy or unbalanced.

Then what?

Then Allen and I have to face the decision of choosing to terminate or not?

Terminating a pregnancy is not really an option for us.

I don't judge those that have made the heart breaking choice to terminate a baby with a severe medical and developmental problem. Until you have been faced with that decision you do NOT know what you will do or how you would feel. That being said I do know my heart, I know my beliefs and when push comes to shove, I just don't think it's a decision I could make. I have the utmost respect for those who have had to brave this very scenario. I just don't have it in me and I don't feel like it is what God has planned for us.

It is because of all these reasons that tomorrow morning at 8:30 a.m. I am going in to have my tubes tied.

My heart is hurting tonight. I want it over with so I can move on and let go. I have to let go of the baby that never was.....and never will be. Makily is not the "perfect little girl" that I dreamed I was having back then but she is MORE THAN I EVER IMAGINED I COULD HAVE EVER WANTED OR NEEDED. Being her mother is the HARDEST and best thing I have ever done and so I am grateful for that. All that being said it still pains me to walk past the tutu's and ballet slippers in the store and know that Makily will never dance in them...except in my dreams....and believe me, I have those dreams. Those and dreams of her walking and talking...then when I wake up my I am so sad......

I don't know what is in our future, I can't even begin to guess. I never guessed that this would be my life and to be honest there are days when I still say "what the heck.......who's life is this"?

It's the life that God had planned for me though and while the last five years have been hard.....I wouldn't change any of it. I never would have dreamed that I would be a foster mother. I would never dream I could live through half of the things I have lived through since Makily was born.

I am stronger BECAUSE of her and that is the strength that is going to get me through this.

I love you Makily, more than I could ever tell you with words little girl.

Say a prayer for me and send positive thoughts to me tomorrow morning please.

Love
Trish