Sometimes you just wish you hadnt worn makeup that day!

A year or so ago I was at Walmart. We were there with the Teal's (our family best friends Trish and Justin). As usual the boys went off to look at electronics and they took Cameron with them. Trish and I took Makily and Aubrey (yes my best friend's name is Trish, we like to call her Trishtwo).

Aubrey was about one at the time and was in the Trishtwo's shopping cart. I was pushing Makily in her stroller. All of the sudden Trishtwo gives me this look of urgency and says "Oh My God, I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM AND NOW"! Trishtwo does NOT use public bathrooms unless she has NO OTHER choice. So you can imagine the desperation of the situation if she was actually willing to use the bathroom at WALMART! She asked if I would keep Aubrey so she could make better time to the bathroom.

I pointed and laughed at her and said "sure".

Little did I know that the last laugh would be on me.

Trishtwo darts off to the bathroom leaving me standing in the middle of ladies and men's clothes. I couldn't maneuver very well because I had a Aubrey Bobs in the cart and Makily in the stroller so I figured I would just stay put. I am googling at the girls when I suddenly feel someone looking at me. I knew it couldn't be Trishtwo because well it hadn't been long enough for her to be back. I look up and there is a swarm of men walking around the men's section together giving me the eye and grinning.

I am immediately uncomfortable and PRAYING Trishtwo hurries up so I can get out of there. I start trying to think of ways to get out of the situation:

"Okay Trish, you can't get away because you got these two babies....hmmmmm maybe I can try to maneuver them out of here.....no then one of them might try to help me......ugh.....Trish better HURRY UP AND PINCH IT OFF......okay I just won't make eye contact, yeah that's right NO EYE CONTACT!"

I pretend to be looking at this HIDEOUS shirt hanging on the closest rack to me. Hoping they won't disturb me since I am shopping right? I can see one of them coming closer out of the corner of my eye.

OH LORD, I am so stuck!

So it happens, the one guy comes up to me.

He was a tiny man, probably about five foot tall and about 100 lbs.

He wore a large cowboy hat and a western shirt. He also had on a HUGE SILVER BELT BUCKLE (that probably weighed more than him), skin tight khaki colored stretch jeans and a pair of boots.

He approaches me with a huge grin on his face and says:

HIM: "your babies?" (while pointing to Aubrey and Makily)

ME: "this one is mine and this is my God daughter"

HIM: "your babies?"

ME: "uhm.....this one is mine and this one is my God daughter"
****he is GRINNING the entire time mind you and I notice a red line across his front teeth that I assume was a cherry Kool-Aid stain****

HIM: "Not your babies"?

(at this point I realize he does NOT speak English and I am wanting to kill Trishtwo)

ME: (pointing)"This one mine, this one not mine"(said in a very cavemanish way)

HIM: "OH OK"

(then he awkwardly laughs and pulls out his cell phone, now I really want to die)

HIM: "Telephone?"

ME: "No I don't have a phone" (I realize everyone in the free world has a phone but I was under pressure here okay)

HIM: "Telephone"

ME: (pointing to my wedding ring) "No, No I am married"

HIM: (remember still the big huge Kool-Aid toothed grin)"Telephone number?"

**GOD HELP ME**
At this point I am praying that one of the girls will puke or do something horribly obnoxious so to scare this man away. Of course Makily had fallen asleep and Aubrey was cooing and giggling at this man as sweetly as she possibly could...the kid TOTALLY THREW ME UNDER THE BUS.

ME: "No no....married"

HIM: "you have phone...number"

(now I am wracking my brain for the word for husband...I took Spanish in high school)

ME: "Can't give you number I have....uhm...I have espouso" (while pointing to my ring)

HIM: "it's okay....it's okay....telephone number"

ME: "not okay......no no" (while awkwardly laughing)

HIM: "What you no like Mexicano?"

SOMEONE PLEASE SAVE ME NOW!

I just awkwardly laughed again and repeated "espouso..married".

Then he kept saying "your babies" again while pointing at the girls and I just gave up and said "yes....my babies!"

Just then out of the corner of my eye....I see Trishtwo walking my way.....

"I hurriedly say "ugh there is my sister...yeah my sister gotta go."

I push the cart with Aubrey in it while dragging the stroller with Makily towards Trish, I am running into things with the cart and Aubrey is laughing. Trish has a confused look on her face and all I can think is:

GET ME OUT OF HERE!

Thought I would share

One of the most embarrasing moments of my entire life. While at the time IT WAS NOT FUNNY, now I look back and laugh hysterically at myself. Enjoy!

So when I as 22 ( 6 years ago!oh my! ) Me, Trish and Cathie found out there was a lady starting hip hop dance classes in Ocala. Well the 3 of us danced together in high school and thought it would be fun to take the class.

There were a couple of "downfalls" to the class. The main one being it was mostly teenagers. There was maybe 4 or 5 others older than us but still, teenagers can be annoying at times.
The good thing was it was a GREAT work out and BOY WE WERE SO SKINNY BACK THEN.....we would leave and be so sweaty it looked like we had jumped in a pool NO LIE. IT WAS GREAT......plus we were 3 of the best in the class if I do say so myself.

So onto my shame.

We decide that WHAT THE HELL we will be in the recital that year.

We danced to......are ya ready?

Don't laugh too hard....

Rhythm Nation by Janet Jackson

So we are shown our costumes and they are U-G-L-Y....I AM TALKING IT LOOKED LIKE A TRASH BAG, but again we were in it for the fun of it so the trashbags we would wear....not happily but we would wear them.....we also were forced to do our hair like the "Simply Irresistible" girls. If that wasnt enough we had to glue rhinestones in our hair in the shape of a barrette.......lovely...

I am not even to the embarassing part.......are you dying yet?

While the song is kinda LAME and rather old the routine was really cool. The beginning was started out in pitch, black darkness and we did a neat thing with flashlights.....IT WAS COOL REALLY IT WAS, YOU HAD TO SEE IT, I know sounds lame but it wasnt. When the flashlights part was over everyone gets off the stage.........the lights turn on and a group of us dramatically come sliding out onto the stage on our knees..............
are ya with me?

Well as I mentioned earlier our costumes were like black trashbags....literally, the material was really slick and EXTREMELY THIN. Oh yeah and we werent aloud to wear underwear.....we had to wear black tights.

Okay now for the humility of it all:

I am standing just off stage after our flashlight part......I am pumped up for my GRAND ENTRANCE onto the stage, my dramatic slide that I have worked so hard on for months and months to perfect........the slide that I have bruised my knees for and ripped several pair of dance pants in the knees learning to do. I am SOOO ready to get out there and SHAKE MY BOOTY!

The lights COME ON

I take a running start.........


...........I slide professionally across the floor when IT HAPPENS......



What is that draft?


I look down..................



MY WORST NIGHTMARE.




When I slid....my pants slid.............



ALL THE WAY DOWN TO MY KNEES!


It happened so quickly....My mind was racing...................

WHAT DO I DO??

.....the next "move" was kind of a fan of the legs and then a hop up to your feet.....instead I did some AWFUL jacked up backspin, and while on my back and pulled my pants up....very quickly.

The whole routine, all I could think of was that the ENTIRE audience saw my PRIVATE REGIONS!
Near the end......Cathie is next to me....we turn to the right and so her back is to me and my front is to her back.....I am still MORTIFIED but "the show must go on" so I am dancing as hard as I can with a fake plastered on smile Our next move was sort of a bend and then you stick our butt out.....Cathie bends and what happens?


I notice her pants are split right down the middle.....and with each shake, bend and wiggle, I CAN SEE HER BUTT CRACK!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA

Trish is the only one of us that didnt have a costume malfunction of some sort.....I wasnt the only gal who lost her pants during that dance or split her pants for that matter........I am *told* no one noticed......
I am wondering if they are just being nice though!!!