As many of you know Makily was admitted to the hospital last Thursday night.
She was having breathing and major feeding issues.
Conclusion #1:
Hospital stays with Makily are going to be a part of "My New Normal".
I will no longer say "this is the last hospitalization" when it comes to her. It's been something I have said many times in the past.
I have been in denial about that for a long time. Last week really showed me that it's just going to be something I have to get used to. She has been in patient 11 times in the last 3 years. While she is healthier now than she has ever been, her little body just can't bounce back from a typical cold like most kids.
Conclusion #2:
I will never totally be over the trauma surrounding Makily's birth. It will haunt me forever.
This hospital stay we were at the same hospital Makily was born at. I avoid this place like the plague. I made the mistake of going to the maternity ward to get a coke (it was closest) and I could feel my heart racing just walking through the waiting area. I wanted to throw up. I vividly recalled my sister wheeling me from the nursery after I had seen Makily so sick and how all I could think was "What is wrong with my baby, I think she is going to die". Just walking through that area brings me RIGHT BACK to that place.
The next day I was headed to the parking lot. There was a lady in a wheelchair with her newborn. I assume she was waiting for her hubby to drive the car around and load them up. God forgive me, I wanted to smack her. I walked past her as quickly as possible. I could feel the the tears welling in my eyes as I remembered how I left the hospital the morning after Makily was born. I was wheeled out with empty arms and grief that surpasses words. My spirit was broken and my heart ached. Why didn't I have that happy moment? Why was our car ride home filled with my sobs instead of Makily's newborn cries?
Why?
There is a reason for all of it. There has to be.
Only God knows what it is.
I have to trust and believe that or I will certainly go crazy.
On the other hand all it takes to make it worth it is seeing Makily hysterically laughing over something as simple as a balloon. Knowing that she is my purpose and she has taught me more than I could EVER teach her. She has made me tougher than I ever thought I could be. She is the strongest person I know. How many three year olds get an IV placed and are smiling minutes later? Makily is one of them.
I'm her biggest fan.
She was having breathing and major feeding issues.
Conclusion #1:
Hospital stays with Makily are going to be a part of "My New Normal".
I will no longer say "this is the last hospitalization" when it comes to her. It's been something I have said many times in the past.
I have been in denial about that for a long time. Last week really showed me that it's just going to be something I have to get used to. She has been in patient 11 times in the last 3 years. While she is healthier now than she has ever been, her little body just can't bounce back from a typical cold like most kids.
Conclusion #2:
I will never totally be over the trauma surrounding Makily's birth. It will haunt me forever.
This hospital stay we were at the same hospital Makily was born at. I avoid this place like the plague. I made the mistake of going to the maternity ward to get a coke (it was closest) and I could feel my heart racing just walking through the waiting area. I wanted to throw up. I vividly recalled my sister wheeling me from the nursery after I had seen Makily so sick and how all I could think was "What is wrong with my baby, I think she is going to die". Just walking through that area brings me RIGHT BACK to that place.
The next day I was headed to the parking lot. There was a lady in a wheelchair with her newborn. I assume she was waiting for her hubby to drive the car around and load them up. God forgive me, I wanted to smack her. I walked past her as quickly as possible. I could feel the the tears welling in my eyes as I remembered how I left the hospital the morning after Makily was born. I was wheeled out with empty arms and grief that surpasses words. My spirit was broken and my heart ached. Why didn't I have that happy moment? Why was our car ride home filled with my sobs instead of Makily's newborn cries?
Why?
There is a reason for all of it. There has to be.
Only God knows what it is.
I have to trust and believe that or I will certainly go crazy.
On the other hand all it takes to make it worth it is seeing Makily hysterically laughing over something as simple as a balloon. Knowing that she is my purpose and she has taught me more than I could EVER teach her. She has made me tougher than I ever thought I could be. She is the strongest person I know. How many three year olds get an IV placed and are smiling minutes later? Makily is one of them.
I'm her biggest fan.
7 comments:
Hey you my soul sister...you are a tough cookie yourself and I'm a fan of both you and Makily.
I know that feeling - the one you got when you went past the maternity ward - a few years ago I pulled out Maia's "newborn" videos because one of our workers was curious. Within seconds (and I didn't expect the reaction of myself) I was a trembling, catatonic mess. Had to stop the tape. Haven't pulled it out since. Can't do it. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is powerful ;)
I know you aren't anywhere where I am yet - Maia was 8 years older than Makily before I got that euphoria I so desperately sought, and am about to receive again (the universe is great!) but you my dear and Makily, are building up to some serious greatness, which will happen to you as sure as I am breathing this minute and I am going to be as puffed as a peacock when Makily one day in the future smiles and giggles at a new sibling, don't you think? Makily IS the strongest person you'll know though, followed by yourself. It's like looking in the mirror. She will always reflect the strength you have, and you will always see the strength in her and that will keep you focused.
Maia just put me through two of the most hellish years I could imagine - worse than her birth - but you know what? She's come out on the other side and I love her more than ever. And, if I hadn't have had her, I wouldn't have met you....that would have been a travesty!
Are you trying to make me cry early in the mornings girl??!! Ohhh, she's just precious watching her balloon daddy got her. I loved the pictures Trish.
About hospitalizations---I'm terrified and still in denial. I think that's why we have Luke live in a bubble. I read a blog entry the other day about 'a mom's firsts'. Ugghh....not only was it a good friend, it was just plain hard for me to read her 'great first mother moments'. That was not the walk we had. I understand fully and hear you fully.
Love you babe, so elated your home for Christmas. I must confess....Makily being in patient has scared me over this way. I'm keeping everyone out of my house right now. I just want past YUCK season. Big hugs babe,
P.S. I'll put this on my list of things to accept. God has graced you with this girl.
Hey Girly! I was really worried for you all. Glad you are home. I sure do appreciate your honesty. You are an amazing person. Keep writing! Love, J
I feel the same way when I pass the hospital where I gave birth as well. It devastates me. Hope the hospital stay is a short one!
Trish,
I hate the hospital!! I am glad to hear that Makily is out and I am hoping that you have a wonderful, healthy, Merry Christmas and New Year!
I asked the "why" question everyday.
I hope you had a wondeful Christmas!
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