And the labor started......

My due date with Makily was Sunday 4-4-04. Tuesday 5 days before my due date I was laying in bed and kept watching my belly get hard and shape into weird positions. I had been having braxton hicks for a few weeks and just assumed that is what they were. It's weird I even remember that I was watching some kind of surfing documentary on MTV. The night went on and they started getting really annoying. On a whim I timed it and they were 3 mins apart. This made me panic.....I kept thinking OH GOD they are close together I have to hurry (give me a break I was a first time mommy). My husband was out of town for work about 4 hours away so I called my Mom and Dad. As I was on the phone with my mother in a panic I went to the bathroom and there was a bloody show on the toilet paper. I was convinced at that point I was gonna drop a baby any moment....Naive I know....It's kinda funny now that I was really thinking that. I called the hospital and explained what was going on....They asked me if I had felt the baby moving or not and I realized at that point I hadn't really felt her much lately. This didn't concern me because I had rented a fetal Doppler and anytime she wasn't moving a lot I would use it and as long as I heard her heartbeat was strong I wouldn't worry. I told the nurse this but she said I should come in. I called Allen and told him what was going on and he immediately headed home. My parents picked me up and to the hospital we went. I remember feeling embarrassed when they made me get in the wheelchair. I kept thinking "oh Lord if I am not really in labor this is gonna be so embarrassing." I even told the lady I was fine to walk but they insisted. We got up to the room and they got me all hooked up.....I kept waiting for the nurse to say if I was contracting or not and she didn't. Finally I said "Is that machine saying I am having contractions?" She laughed and said "yes you are having mild ones but they are about 3 mins apart". PHEW...At least I knew I wasn't crazy! She checked me and IT HURT SO BAD, she said I was a finger tip dilated....THAT'S IT I thought. She said I was loosing my plug too. Anyway it was about 4AM at this point. She said that my doctor would be in around 8 and he would check me. She encouraged me to walk if I wanted to. Around that time a friend of ours T.J. showed up. Allen had called him and told him that I was in labor, T.J. was excited so he came down. He brought me the ugliest pair of slippers I had ever seen and they were 3 sizes too big.....We joked about that and I wore them anyways! T.J. And I walked the halls, he timed my contractions. I remember noticing in the windows that I was HUGE....I kept thinking Oh God I will be a cow forever.....Then a contraction would come and I would totally forget my tundrous size. After walking for about an hour I went back to my room....They hooked me back up and I was still contracting. The new nurse came in at 7am and asked me when I had last eaten. I told her 8pm the night before and she gave me a weird look. Like "why haven't you eaten since then?" I thought 8pm the night before was reasonable but I guess she didn't. She told me to drink a lot of water and I did. Finally around 8am my doctor came in. He checked me and said I was 1 and about 50% effaced. He did say that my contractions were very regular (still every 2-3 minutes) they just weren't lasting longer than 30-45 secs. He said he would have me eat and drink and if this was "false" labor it would stop everything. So I ate some french toast and drank juice and water....still had contractions. He came in a little later and said that since I was not progressing really he would give me a shot to stop the contractions and send me home with a sleeping pill. The nurse came in later and gave me a shot of Tributilin, I found out later that usually this is NOT given to people that are full term. It is used to stop women in early labor. I still do not know why he did this. The shot made my heart race. About a half an hour later he came back in and said I was still contracting and that he would give me another shot. After the second shot my contractions slowed but didn't stop. They gave me a sleeping pill and sent me home. I slept for an hour maybe 2 and woke up with contractions harder and stronger than before. Allen was home at this point. We began walking up and down the street of my neighborhood. My sister Deborah showed up at this point. She walked with us. We went back inside and sat down and my friend Trish showed up we all talked and were timing my contractions. They were 45 secs and about 3 mins apart. I was starting to feel hopeless because it had been over 12 hours since this had started and I didn't feel like I was making any progress. Later that night Allen and I laid in bed watching TV, timing my contractions....we did this for about 2 hours and finally I told him to go to sleep that I wasn't getting anywhere. I would wake him if things got bad. So Allen went to sleep. I laid there timing my contractions and just got more and more tired. I got up and got in the shower. The hot water felt really good. I am sure it was a pitiful site....I laid on the floor of the shower with the water running over me moaning. After a while the water turned cold but I was so exhausted and in so much pain I didn't want to move....I just laid there moaning and crying. Allen woke up and came into the bathroom with the most panicked, concerned look on his face. "are you okay, what's happening?" I heard you crying. " I got out of the shower and laid back down in the bed and we started timing again. FINALLY they were 2-3 minutes apart and 1 minute long! PRAISE GOD I THOUGHT. Allen was ready to go back to the hospital but I wanted to wait until I had been having them like that for at least an hour....the hour went by and I was still having them. I waited another hour and they were still consistent so I called my parents and they met us at the hospital. Same routine, got into the room hooked up. The nurse checked me and said I was 1 cm and 75% effaced....I wanted to cry right there. 24 hours of contractions and I wasn't making too much progress. They told me that the doctor would be in at 8am as he had a few inductions and he would check me then. I was so anxious, I couldn't relax, I tried watching TV I wanted to jump out of my skin. I was going crazy imagining I would be in labor for a week or more! At about 8 am I heard my doctor's voice while walking down the hall and was elated. Finally I would get some kind of relief and answers. 45 minutes later he hadn't come in. The nurse came in to check on me and said that he had came and went and when his midwife came in that morning she would check me. I was very upset. I just cried I couldn't believe he had left me like that and didn't even have the courtesy to come in. My dad told me when the midwife came to ask for pitocin....I had already thought about this but my dad was very adamant with me that I really needed it...I agreed. When the midwife came in she checked me and I was 1-2 cm and only 80% effaced....I started crying when she told me that they usually don't admit you until you are at least 4 cms. I told her that I had been doing this for 2 days now and I hadn't slept. I begged and cried for her to give me pitocin and break my water. She said she would review my chart and come back in and let me know. The nurse came back a few minutes later and set up a tray to break my water. THANK GOD! The midwife came in and told me they would break my water and give me pitocin. I wanted to kiss her. She broke my water (this was no fun). She told me that there was meconium in the fluid. Makily had a bowel movement. I started to panic. She assured me that they would just have to suction her a little extra and it was not a big deal. I knew that this was something that happened sometimes BUT a rumor I had heard 2 months before was echoing in my head. I was told that my midwife did not like to intubate babies. That she had delivered a meconium baby, the baby needed to be intubated, she wouldn't do it, the nurses were not allowed, the pediatrician was not there and the baby died. This story bothered me at the time but I was 7 months pregnant and couldn't have switched doctors at that point. I reassured myself at the time by saying "what are the chances of my Makily being a meconium baby"? My mother came in and I told her.....She too had heard the same rumor and we both felt the same way. We wanted the pediatrician there. The nurses assured us there was "no need for the pediatrician, we handle meconium babies all the time". I asked the nurse who would intubate if it was needed and when she told me the midwife was responsible for that I became even more uneasy. Thankfully I had worked for Makily's pediatrician a year prior to this. My sister was a nursery nurse at the neighboring hospital so Dr. Pierre knew her also. My sister (Deborah) called Dr. Pierre and explained the situation....she said that she would come in around lunch time to see me, and then when I started to push to call her. This put my mind at ease. My pain was getting more intense and I was given Nubain which put me to sleep for an hour or so. When I came out of my drug induced haze it was about noon and Dr. Pierre was there. She told me to relax and that everything would be fine. She urged me to get the epidural. I had been holding off because I felt like it would slow things down but she kept telling me it would help. So I agreed to get the epidural. The anesthesiologist was not a nice man. He told me that if I had a contraction to just try and deal with it, that if he stopped for every contraction we would be there all day. My nurse was amazing and told him if I needed him to stop that I would tell him to stop! He stuck me the first time and I was trying so hard to be still, I was crying (not sure why other than hormones and fear), in alot of pain and this man wasn't the sweetest guy. He kept poking and I finally yelled and screamed. He said "stop screaming and tell me if you feel pressure or pain". If you have ever been in labor you know pressure and pain can feel ALOT THE SAME! I couldn't decide which it was so I said BOTH!!! He pulled the needle out and explained he was scraping my spine and that is why it hurt so bad. Great. He stuck me again and got it this time. They laid me down and I could hear them talking about my blood pressure. The nurse told me to lay on my side and after a few minutes they said I was fine. My blood pressure had gone down real low but thankfully came back up. I relaxed a bit and finally felt better. I didn't feel ANY PAIN for a while, I was so relaxed and honestly wished I had gotten the epidural sooner. I started feeling pain again but this time it was in my butt. It felt like someone driving a car through my behind. It was with every contraction and just got worse and worse I told the nurse and she checked me, I was 3 or 4 and 90% effaced. I was about to loose it. She said she would call the anesthesiologist to see if I could get a bolus in my epidural for the pain and also that I may need a c -section as I wasn't progressing much and Makily was not dropping down. I just started crying. I didn't want it to be that way. I wanted a vaginal delivery, to have Makily placed on my belly, I wanted that moment, I knew if I had a c-section I wouldn't get it. My mom and I were talking about it and she was reassuring me when a few minutes later my nurse came running in. I immediately realized that I didn't hear Makily's heart beat anymore on the monitor. Never in my life have I felt utter panic like that. I pray I never will again. Helplessness , powerless. I went from bawling about NOT wanting a c-section to wanting them to rip me open and get her out at that very second. They put oxygen on me they moved the monitor around on my belly trying to find Makily....They did but her heartrate was 40, my panic just increased and I was becoming hysterical. I remember Allen was pacing back and forth feverishly and my mother was by my side telling me it was okay and trying to calm me down. The anesthesiologist walked in during all this. The nurse at this point had gone to check me and was literally bouncing Makily's head up and down trying to stimulate her. He started to ask me the most annoying question in the world again...."Mrs. Caldwell is it pressure or pain". UGH!!! I said it's the worst pressure I have ever felt in my life and it's causing pain". Then he told me there was nothing he could do for pressure. I think my nurse had had enough of him because she said "please just give her the bolus, it will help". Remember while all this is going on I still don't' know if Makily is alive, dead, dying or what. Every ounce of sanity in me was gone. The nurse put an internal fetal monitor on Makily's head and thank God, her heart rate went up and things calmed down. I was relieved and scared at the same time. Why did that happen? The anesthesiologist had given me a bolus and my pain was gone. I felt so much better. The nurse came in not long after and checked me and told me that I was 8 cm's!!! I went from 3-4 to 8 cm in about an hour's time!!!! I couldn't believe it. She told me we were ready to push!! I got so scared! I was more afraid of pushing than labor. Allen was really excited, he was going to meet his little girl and I will never forget the look of happiness on his face when he realized she was almost here. Again the nurses assured us that we didn't need the pediatrician but my sister called her anyway. Dr. Pierre called the nursery and they said she really didn't need to come. Praise the Lord she did. I believe God used her as a tool that night. I started pushing and didn't really feel much at first. I slowly began to notice it was starting to hurt and remember saying "OW, OW, OW" when my mom said "why is she hurting, she has the epidural". The nurse had turned it off because I guess I wasn't pushing hard enough at first. I pushed a few times and started to feel the most intense urge to push with each contraction. When I was pushing I kept grabbing Allen's shirt and twisting it really hard....he says I hit him a couple of times in the ribs but I don't remember that part at all! I saw Dr. Pierre walk in but I was too tired to say anything to her. She was standing next to the midwife. Allen and Deborah were holding my legs.....My sister had tears in her eyes. My mom was right at my head reassuring me and telling me she knows it hurts but it's almost over, she had tears in her eyes too. When they started saying they could see her head I got scared I knew that part would be the worst but I was encouraged that my pushing was doing something. I pushed again and felt the most excrutiating pain I have ever felt in my life her head was out. Dr. Pierre stepped in and I saw her suctioning Makily. With the next contraction I pushed her the rest of the way and I felt the most relieved I had ever felt all at once....she was out. They held her up and I immediately thought she looked really little. I dismissed this thought quickly thinking "all babies look little". My mom said "Patricia she is little and she looks just like Allen". "Patricia she is little". It reinforced my thought but I kept trying to deny it. They took her to the warmer immediately. She was supposed to be on my belly....I was thinking I hope they hurry up and get her suctioned and cleaned up so I can have her right away. I kept waiting to hear a cry and didn't, I kept asking....What's happening and I just kept being reassured everything was fine although I didn't hear a cry. Allen and my sister were over by Makily at this point with the pediatrician. Finally after what seemed like a year Makily cried.....And I knew. Something wasn't right. She sounded like a kitten. Why, why does she sound like that I kept thinking. They rushed her by my bed and let me kiss her. Immediately I noticed a skin tag on her cheek. I was too afraid to ask what it was. Bless my mother because she did and the nurse said "it's a skin tag....She has 2 more and a cleft palate." With that she walked out. It was just me, my mom, the nurse and my midwife in the room, every else went with the baby. I laid there talking to my mom trying to figure out why she had a cleft. Her lips were fine. It was later I found out that you can have a cleft palate without a cleft lip. Everyone just kind of acted as perplexed as I was. They finally got me cleaned up. Allen came in my room crying. I had never seen him cry before this (with the exception of the moment Makily was born) so I knew things were bad. Makily can't breathe he told me. They are sending her to Shands to the NICU. I felt like the entire world stopped. My chest suddenly felt heavy and I was so confused. WHY WHY WHY I kept thinking. Why is she sick what happened, what did I do wrong? He finished telling me that they weren't sure what was wrong and then I sent him back to be with Makily. My Dad came in not long after, he just hugged me and I cried harder than I ever had in my life. I couldn't believe that not only my dream birth was gone but my daughter was deathly ill and we didn't know why or how. They transferred me to the post partum unit. Dr. Pierre came in and told me that Makily was struggling pretty hard and she was going to try to intubate her, once she was intubated I could go see her. I just kept crying. An hour had passed and I still had not seen her. Finally I said if someone doesn't bring me a wheelchair to go to the nursery I am walking there. They wheeled me down there and placed Makily in my arms. She had a c-pap on her face, Dr. Pierre was unable to intubate her because her airway was so compromised. She was green, her hair was green, her nails. (from the meconium) She had skin tags on her cheek by her ear. Her legs looked funny to me. When she opened her eyes they kept crossing. She would open her mouth to cry but nothing was coming out. When she took the slow, ragged breaths she was able to take her entire neck caved in. I wanted to put her down and run. I was terrified. How did this happen to my baby? What is wrong with her? Her lips were turning blue around her mouth. I asked if this was okay and they told me it was. I remember staring at Dr. Pierre's shirt...there was blood on it. I kept thinking how it was there and she didn't care, she was trying to save my daughter's life. I vagulely recall Allen taking pictures....I wondered why they were taking pictures of this awful moment. I didnt want to remember this.....of course now I am glad I have them. The NICU team arrived and I was wheeled back to my room. They stopped by with her in the isolette so I could see her before she left. She looked so sick and so tiny. I was told at this point she was 5 lbs 10 oz....I was only 3 days from my due date, why is she the size of a 36 weeker? Again I knew something wasnt right. WHY WAS THIS HAPPENING!?!? I just sat staring, I don't even know what they were saying to me but somehow I knew to shake my head and sign some paper. I remember the whole family being there peeking into the isolette and then looking at me. What are they thinking? They are thinking the same thing I am thinking....this baby is going to die...I can't say that outloud though...that will make it true and I can't stand it if I am right, God help me. Allen followed the ambulance to Shands, my oldest sister Elizabeth stayed with me that night. I was numb they gave me Darvocet and a sleeping pill. I went to sleep.

The first time I held her.

Our first family picture: