Have you ever said something....

........intending for it to come out in a positive helpful way and it turns into something OPPOSITE of what you meant to say?

Then to top it off you realize you were also offensive?

I have.

I think the anonymous comment poster on my last entry meant to do that.

At least that is what my hope is.

I have this nagging corner of my brain though saying

"Why would they comment like that and remain anonymous if they really were trying to be positive and helpful"?

Things that make you go hmmmmmmmmmmmmm...................

I debated on whether or not to address the comment as so many addressed it for me either openly (Andrea and Deb, I love you guys) or by privately emailing me.

I am typically not one to keep quiet when someone challenges my faith especially when said person won't even reveal their name.

Besides, it's my blog and I'll do what I want.:

"GOD is in control. Not you, not J's bio parents, not any other human force. Just God. I hope you can believe that He loves you and take comfort in His control over your circumstances."

I KNOW that God is in control more than I could EVER explain. If Makily has taught me NOTHING it is that (and believe me the kid has taught me TONS). Don't "hope" for me to believe that God loves me but KNOW that I believe God loves me. I am comforted in the fact that he has control over my circumstances. That being said he has had control EACH AND EVERY TIME Makily has been on the brink of death and in UNIMAGINABLE pain. He has been in control every time she has struggled to take a breath, when the doctors over dosed her on narcotics and when she had a seizure that almost killed her.

God was in control of every moment of that.

Please understand though that I am human and watching my child suffer is one of the most painful things I have ever encountered. There are no words to describe that pain. It is a physical, moaning, aching pain from the depths of your soul. Knowing that NOTHING you can do will help your child is HUMBLING and heart breaking.

So while it is comforting knowing that God is in control of my life I also know that just because I want something to be a certain way does not necessarily mean it is what God has planned for our family. I didn't want Makily to be disabled or suffer like she has but God allowed that for the greater good. I believe God allows this things to happen to teach others lessons they

never would have learned any other way.

Knowing that, it is still difficult when your child is seizing in front of you and unable to breathe to think:

"Gee Lord this is grand, I thank you for taking the breath from Makily's lungs and making her body twitch uncontrollably so someone else will learn from her...I think I'll dance a jig of glee".

Some may be able to do that but I am not one of them.

"You just seem to be consumed by anxiety, anger, hurt and bitterness, and those things will tear you apart and make you miserable for the rest of your life if you don't find a way to let God work in your heart and give you true peace and strength (and yes, even joy)."

I won't lie their are days that I am CONSUMED by anxiety, anger, hurt and bitterness. Those days have become few and far between. I admit when Makily is suffering or when Little J's future is threatened, my heart cries out and I do feel anxious. I don't think that means I don't trust God. I doubt that any Christian in my situation wouldn't have days they feel like that. HELL, I doubt that ANY PERSON NOT in my situation would not have days like that. I was very angry and bitter at God when Makily was born. In fact I have been brutally honest about that here in my blog so other families in my shoes will hopefully read my words and KNOW they are "normal" and not alone.

I hated God.

I cursed him.

I envisioned him in Heaven laughing at me.

God was with me the day Makily was diagnosed. He had been preparing me for it for years but really in the days, weeks, hours and even minutes before they told us. He was there when I laid on the floor in a pumping room at Shands with my face in a pillow screaming "HELP ME GOD".

I did feel abandoned.

I continued to cry out to him though because deep down my faith was still there, but my HUMAN HEART was so overwhelmed with grief that it was buried.

I AM happy.

I am joyful and I am far from miserable, in fact if you ask anyone that knows me personally, I can almost guarantee you they would tell you that I am loads of fun!

I love my life, I wouldn't change ANY of it.

To some that may sound totally insane but I am who I am today because of all these things.

I kind of like me.

"You talk about trusting God, but it's obvious that you have a big chip on your shoulder where He's concerned.

You're still angry and distrustful of Him because of Makily's condition, and every little thing that doesn't go your way is just more evidence, in your mind, that He is letting you down or doesn't care about you."

I don't agree with any of this statement (and it's rather bold to tell me what is in my mind and heart and what my relationship with God is...especially when you aren't bold enough to say who you are). I also would like to let you know that in saying that in the manner you did, you TOTALLY turned me off to your comment.

There are positive ways to say certain things to people and telling someone they have a "chip" on their shoulder is not a good way to have them be receptive to anything else you have to say.

In addition by saying: "every little thing that does not go your way" belittles the struggles I live on a daily basis.

My mother can tell someone to "go to hell" and she makes them want to run and pack their bags because of the manner in which she says it. In reaching out to hurting people and trying to lead others to Christ I recommend this is something you learn to do yourself.

I do not have a chip on my shoulder where God is concerned. I am humbled that God would give Makily to me to take care of. One of his most precious and innocent souls has been placed in my hands. While I am honored that God has entrusted that to me........it is one of the hardest things I have EVER done. It is also one of the most amazing and rewarding things I have ever done. I am not angry at him or distrustful. As I stated previously I was BOTH of those things for a long time..... It's hard to just let go when every week your child is struggling to do simple things like breathe and eat. It's hard to not be upset and angry when you live in a hospital for weeks a time being treated horribly. I trust the Lord but that does not mean I am not fearful of what he has in store for me or for my daughter. You did not live the life I lived the first year of Makily's life. IT WAS MY OWN private, lonely slice of hell on earth. Even still IT WAS GOD'S PLAN FOR ME TO LIVE THROUGH THAT PRIVATE HELL. I am fearful of what is to come, but I trust and KNOW that whatever is in my future that it IS in God's will. It may hurt like hell and I may have to beg for his mercy.....but I will know it is what he had planned for me. I believe there is a reason for EVERYTHING. I realize that I will NEVER be able to understand why God allows things to take place because I can't even begin to wrap my human brain around what he has planned.

I trust the Lord. I do. That does not mean that if J goes home that I will be able to stand by graciously saying "Thank you Lord for taking this child from me and placing him with people that are not able to give him what he needs and that will likely neglect him, I will not worry about it at all because I know this was your plan".

I know I did not give birth to J but believe me, I love him like I did. In my heart he is MY SON and to Little J I AM THE ONLY MOTHER HE HAS EVER KNOWN.

So imagine having your child torn from you.

Is your faith so strong that you would not question God or be completely heart broken over it?

I love the Lord and I know he loves me. I know he has walked this HARD road with our family and he will continue to. He knows my heart. He listens to me giving him all these things 100 times a day....just to take them back again. He is sitting next to me in church on Sunday when I am clutching Makily in my arms, sobbing for him to heal her, then weeping because I feel guilty in asking him to do something that likely is NOT in his plan.

He understands why I can't give it to him and just leave it.....and that is why he continues to give me these trials.

To teach me patience.

I am learning...but I am only human and I have a long way to go.

I started this blog as a diary, an outlet......IT IS MY THERAPY.

My hope is that other parents of special needs children will read this and say "I get her". I pray that a parent of a newborn Emanuel Syndrome child will come here in their fear and desperation and see that YES it's hard but you will smile again.

I pray that other foster parents come here and read a familiarity in their life and know that they are not alone. That their feelings of unconditional love for these neglected and abused children is AMAZING and that their frustrations with "the system" are founded.

So to the person that posted the anonymous comment I thank you. I do believe in my heart you meant well but you are what Andrea called a "well intentioned Christian". The fastest way to turn a person away from God is to judge them. I feel like you judged me without really knowing all the circumstances in my life and probably missing all the entries where I myself said all the things you "preached" to me.

Next time, say who you are.

God Bless.