Changes, Decisions and Closing Chapters.

Me and Doodles Yesterday at the Scarecrow Festival.
(excuse my messy hair...my blow dryer died and so this was the result!)


I had mentioned in my last post that I started a Freelance position with our local newspaper. I have been hired as the lead moderator for the Ocala.com Mommy forum. It is a job I can do from home and so that is a HUGE plus. I have tons of experience as I have been a moderator on the "fertility/mommy" site that I have been a member of since 2002.

So if you are an Ocala mom PLEASE join the forum and get involved. That web addy is

www.ocalamom.com

Pretty easy to remember eh?

They have a pic of me and Doodles up on the home page which is VERY COOL and a little embarrassing at the same time! We plan on doing contests and get togethers with the members once the board really gets hopping. I think it's a great way for local moms to connect so PLEASE join and participate guys!

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I thought I would update on my weight loss. I am now down 18.4 lbs. I actually was a bit annoyed that I have not lost more until we measured this time.

I HAVE LOST A TOTAL OF 19 INCHES!!!

I knew I was getting smaller because my pants are seriously starting to get WAY too big. I am talking they are falling off of me. I didn't understand why my weight wasn't just dramatically dropping with the way my clothes are fitting ya know? In the last month I lost 8 inches.....half of which off my stomach so that explains why my pants are falling down. Kathy (my diet counselor) says she thinks I am gaining muscle and that is why I am seeing more of an "inch loss" rather then seeing the numbers are the scale go down drastically. I have been HORRIBLE about pushing myself to be "done" by a certain date. I finally am going to stop timing myself with this and just "be". I will loose the weight in the rate my body wants to and if that means I am only loosing 1-2 lbs a week then so be it. I keep thinking back to when I was in my early 20's and how I EASILY dropped at least 3 lbs a week. I have to realize I ain't 20 anymore and so it's just gonna take as long as it takes.

sigh

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I had a consultation with my new OBGYN last week. It's never a "fun" experience going to the "crotch" doctor but I had to go. He was super nice (Dr. Johnson for those Ocala gals btw he is NOT the dr that delivered Makily) and we talked about tying my tubes. Ugh. He totally understood our position and why I want it done. He didn't try to talk me out of it at all which shocked me a little at first. Then when I thought about it I realized that as an outsider looking in, our life isn't "normal" by any means.

Allen and I have discussed and discussed it. He is not sure if he wants me to do it or not. Deep down I DO want to do it but when I was talking it over with my mom I just started crying. It's the closing of a chapter that I never planned on closing this early and after only one biological child. Having J though has taught me that "biology" really is not what makes a child YOUR child. Even still the thought of never being able to feel another baby grow in my belly, kicking and squirming breaks my heart. Knowing I will never breastfeed, see another u/s, name another child etc is very sad especially for a person who when she grew up wanted nothing more than to be a "mom".

I don't want to chance accidentally getting pregnant EVER because I just don't have the guts to face the decisions I would have to face if it happened. The thought of that nauseates me. Those that have done it, I commend you, I am just not that brave. On the other hand I am totally happy with Makily and with "Little J". We will probably continue fostering even if we get to adopt J so it's not like we won't ever have more little ones running around if we wanted.

I am still so conflicted on this. I think the main reason I am having such a rough time just making a decision is that I don't want to regret it. What if five years from now I want to try? I don't think I will, but what if I do? I can't take it back then. On the other hand five years from now I will be 36, Allen will be 46 and so do I want to try that late and risk even more chances of not only having a child with Makily's condition but one with ANOTHER genetic problem because my eggs are older?

I have another consultation planned for the end of November. Will update on this later on down the road. Pray for God's will in this. Pray for peace in my heart about it. I do believe even if I decide to go through with it, it's going to be emotionally trying, so pray that I will be able to handle it with grace.


Enjoy all these pics from our day yesterday. It was awesome!






Makily had an ALL OUT tantrum when we went to eat. We always take one of her favorite toys when we go to a restaurant. We figure hey she can't eat might as well let her play. We had her in the high chair and she was having a BIG time playing with her toy when WHAM.....she slammed it RIGHT into her face.....HARD. She FREAKED and screamed for AT LEAST 10 minutes. She was PISSED! I held her, rocked her and it just would not work. She would start to calm down and then look at the toy and start right back up again. We finally moved her over to Daddy's side of the table and well as you can see, he cheered her right up.

She's SUCH a Daddy's girl....I'm a smidge jealous.