Thinking and overthinking...

Well we are home, Makily's heart cath went so well. She recovered so quickly, it was amazing. When the doctor came out and told us about the multiple holes in her atrium, my heart really dropped. When he said "Makily really needed these closed, her lungs were being flooded with blood" it made me feel so sad. I wonder what it must have felt like before the closure for her. He said most likely we will see a big change in how often Makily gets respiratory infections and pneumonia now. She does seem happier than ever so I can already see a difference. She MUST feel alot better.

I have a "book" of paperwork to fill out again for our foster licensing. We had put it on hold until after Makily's cath and since she is okay we are getting back to it. Allen and I both still have not had our physicals yet, that needs to get done soon.

I had a moment the other day. Alot of the P2P mom's I am friends with will know the kind of moment I am talking about. It was another grieving moment for time, experiences and dreams Makily and I did not get to have.

I was rocking the little girl I babysit for to sleep for her nap. It was peaceful in the room and I started thinking. I thought about how before I had Makily I dreamed of sitting in her room rocking her to sleep during that "infant stage" where they are so clingy and eat all the time. We never had that time. The first year of her life we spent doing so many different things trying to get her to sleep. She didnt want to be rocked or held or bothered, she was far from clingy. If I am being honest Allen and I half jokingly called her the "demon spawn". She was miserable for medical reasons. Some known, some not at the time. She would cry for hours on end and NOTHING we did would soothe her. We spent our days and nights going through every imaginable thing to soothe a fussy baby...when we did everything we could think of...we would start over and do it all again. It was hours of endless crying, if she was awake..she was crying. I remember times that I would have to put her in her swing and go into another room and scream into a pillow. I would pray for her to just go to sleep and stop crying. It was mind numbing.

I was so sad that first year, it's all a haze and I hate that there is such a lengthy period in my life that I was SO depressed and that we just did what we had to in order to survive. We slept in the living room for a long time, it was the only place Makily would sleep. I wish her and I would have had that bonding period right away. There are times now when I hold her and I get that feeling in my chest of pure and total awe and adoration for this child. I just wish that I would have had those feelings and that bond from the beginning with her. There is a guilt for that, that I will carry with me forever. I can't change the way things were. It is times like this that I wish I had known before she was born. Then maybe I would have had time to grieve what was never going to be. Maybe my heart would have healed up enough that I could have gotten past my own sadness and been able to focus on dealing with her. It just want the way it was meant to be though. God had a plan and it went according to what he wanted to happen.