Randomness..........

I havent blogged here for a while. At times I feel like I am still pining over the same issues and who wants to hear the same crap over and over? But then again it's my blog so I guess I can do what I want.

This time of year is pretty tough on me. Part of me feels like "you have a disabled kid get over it". Then the rational side of me realizes that it's an impossibility to get over it. Every day there is something else Makily misses out on. This isnt something that will magically go away. I will always wonder what might have been. Would she be in gymnastics now? Ballet? What would be her favorite toy? Would we be potty training? These are questions that I will forever ask, they will change over time as she gets older...but the pain of those questions will remain...always. I can tuck it away most times in the back of my mind....but it's always there....hidden behind my smile, it's there. The month of April brings back so many horrible memories. It's harder to hide those feelings because I think to myself "three years ago today I was..she was....." and since she was in the NICU all of April, it's usually not a happy thought. In fact three years ago April 9th Makily had been diagnosed 2 days prior and I was insanely depressed.

It didnt help that Makily had pneumonia for Easter this year. We spent the day in the ER comforting her. She missed her first Easter because she was in the NICU and now her 3rd because she was sick. *sigh*

All that said I can't help but ADORE this child. She doesnt know all that she is missing so she continues to smile up at me while folding her hands together making herself look even more like an angel then she already does. She has the most joyful spirit. I can be a crying mess and seeing that kid smile or "clap feet" can bring a huge grin to my face. She is so amazing.

We go to the foster care orientation next week. Still not completely sure this is the way we are gonna go but I would like to get the information on it and make a decision from there. It's exciting thinking we could have another child in this house as early as December. On the other hand I am frightened of what could happen so we will see.


Makily has her Pre-K eval Thursday. I am not terribly excited about this but I know it needs to be done. I am hoping that she will get every service available and that she will possibly get a one on one aide. I plan on volunteering at the school so I will be there alot. I intend on popping in often too, I want them to know that I will be very involved and that Makily better get the proper attention and care she deserves and NEEDS. It may be as late as August that she will even start school. We will see.