Anxiety's A Bitch.

*If you have not read the last several entries please look to the right under the heading "Psych Hospital" and read those entries first.*

We went to dinner shortly after my conversation about why I was there with the other patients.

Everyone lined up in front of the door exiting the unit. We had to wait until a staff member gave the okay to go and unlocked the door. Another staff member walked us to the cafeteria. We walked in a line much like you do in elementary school. I could barely eat. I ate a few bites of a salad and immediately wanted to be back in the unit if you can believe that. I was uncomfortable and even more nervous that a REAL CRAZY person would talk to me and that I wouldn't know how to respond.

When we returned to the unit it was about six pm. They finally had my room ready. When I walked in the room I became very uneasy.

Everything was molded plastic and bolted to the floor or the wall or both. There was no mirror in the bedroom, only in the bathroom and it was bolted to the floor. The shower curtain was VELCROED in place. I know this because when I took my first shower there I ripped it off on accident. When I realized it was velcroed I laughed out loud.

When they admitted me the intake lady said the doctor had written orders to add one antidepressant and increase the one I was already on. He did NOT write for ANYTHING FOR ANXIETY. My diagnosis was "Severe Depression and Anxiety", they knew I was taking xanax every day and I actually had a whole anxiety "routine" every night that I won't detail here but I told them everything.

So when I realized I had nothing written and it was past 7 pm at this point, I started to get panicky. I went into my room and paced. Then I laid on the bed....YES with my zebra blanket and sobbed....and sobbed....and then sobbed some more. I remember saying over and over "This isn't happening, I can't believe I am here.." This went on for about 20 minutes before I realized it was only going to get worse as the night wore on and SOMEONE needed to get me SOMETHING for anxiety and NOW.

I walked to the desk and asked a male nurse if I could get something for anxiety....I was GOING to tell him I didn't even think I had anything written but he cut me off and said "They are pouring meds now give it some time." and abruptly walked away.

sigh

I walked back to my room and did the same routine except this time I was hyperventilating also. Full blown panic attack. I didn't want anyone to see me doing this. I went to the bathroom and vomited. Then back in the room where I continued to lay in the bed, sobbing and hyperventilating. A staff member came in to check on me. They did that every 15 minutes around the clock if you were in your room. She asked if I was okay. I said no. She said I was smart to have gone in my room and away from the stimulation of the day room. Then she walked out.

sigh again.

I couldn't calm down. I was trying to but everything was hitting me at once. I can't see my kids again until these people think it's okay.


I can't leave if I want. I have ZERO control in this moment and will continue to have zero control until again...someone else thinks I'm capable of having control. Then I realized I wasn't in control of my own body at that moment and that just made the panic attack worse. I walked to the desk....huffing and trying to hold back the tears. I went to the same nurse and said "I need something for anxiety now!" He barely looked up from his paperwork and said "You need to remove yourself from the stimulation and go to your room for a while...you are just nervous." I told him I had been in my room having a panic attack for the last hour so obviously that didn't work. I also explained I didn't even think I had anything written for anxiety so he was going to have to call someone and get it written. With that he said "I'll get to it when I finish this." He was filling out a piece of paper work.

I. was. infuriated.

At least at home I had a whole routine that would alleviate the MASSIVE anxiety I was having but here I had to wait for the assholes to finish their paperwork.

So I said "That's just fine, FINE....you finish your petty piece of paperwork while I stand here having a panic attack at the desk......because that paperwork is more important in this moment."

I turned around and began walking to my room. Shaking and crying again, I was now more panicked because I had no idea when or even if I would get ANY relief that night. One of the techs had been standing by watching this go on. We will call him "Carlton". He had a very thick African accent and I could barely understand him. He called for me and said "COME BACK, HE WILL GET IT NOW." I walked back and I heard Carlton say "She is crying come on get her meds now." The nurse got up and immediately got an order from the nurse practitioner that happened to be right there (luckily). Then I paced in front of the desk.....like all the other crazies waiting for my medication.

I realized in that moment I had turned into one of "them".

While I may have not been as severe I was THE PERSON I had judged just hours ago for doing the same. This was a telling moment for me as I felt a lot of judgement IMMEDIATELY disappear from my mind. I would no longer judge ANYONE in that place just at first glance OR because they were pacing or "acting crazy". I got it. I get it. I will never forget it either.

The nurse brought me an Ativan. I took it, embarrassed that my hands were shaking holding onto the cup....and it was so obvious.

The ativan kicked in about 20 minutes later and I actually fell asleep. I could physically feel the anxiety letting up as I drifted off.

It's still a bizarre feeling to me.