I feel icky.

I started this entry trying to be humorous yet profound. I retyped it, deleted it and then said screw it....I'll just be me. raw. uncensored. I couldnt even come up with a good title which usually annoys me but this time I just AGAIN just said screw it and used the first phrase that came to mind.

I feel icky.

ICKY.

I know profound and intelligent isn't it?

I feel like I am juggling 897 balls all the time.

When someone throws in ball number 898............I get icky.

I have been "getting icky" for seven years, since Makily was born. The intensity of said "ick" has gotten worse over the years because my "traumatic memories" have multiplied so much because of all we have been through with Makily.

I don't know how to stop doing this or if there is anything I can do to make myself stop.

This will be an ugly dump of a post.....yes again...I know. I want it out of me, although I feel like once it's out the "feel better" will only last so long. I'm not sure if I will be able to post this publicly. We will see when I get to the end of this "dump". (that makes me think of poo)

I remembered something depressing the other day when I was upset about something else. I find myself doing that often and again, I don't know how to stop. I know it's not healthy,

I am going to share a memory or a couple of them that flood into my brain when that 898th ball is thrown at me and I drop all the other balls I had already been struggling to juggle.

I was 11 years old. I started the 6th grade. Middle School for ME was a nightmare and I imagine for the majority of kids (especially being a girl going through puberty)it is. I had gone to the same elementary school all of my life and had a lot of friends. The Middle School I went to had two classes they picked to segregate from the rest of the 6th grade. They would only have TWO teachers (as opposed to 7), and they would only change classes twice and the two classes would only do things with each other.

Lucky me I ended up in one of the two classes (saracasm).

With none of my friends, I didnt know anyone.

I remember feeling that feeling of loss because I no longer saw any of my friends that I had been in school with for YEARS. I was for whatever reason embarrassed by this. I think maybe because I didnt want my parents to know I didnt have any friends at school?

I dont know.

My grades were atrocious. I was always in trouble for it at home. I would DREAD report cards or progress reports. I don't know if I would say I had become lazy. I had always struggled somewhat with school but had caught up and done fairly well in fourth and fifth grade having b's and c's.

I had tons of D's and F's in the 6th grade.

So I look back now at how I was during that year and I can now say I WAS VERY depressed.

It was the other day when I was dealing with ball number 898 that I realized THIS memory IS the reason why I believe I was so depressed and sad that year.

I had tried out for the Pom Pom Squad and made it. It was a Middle School Dance team and I was ELATED. I had always loved to dance.

A week or so later during practice Ms. Thomas (the gym teacher and also the pom pom coach yes that is her real name and I feel ZERO guilt about using her real name.) said she would be passing out uniforms. All 12 of us girls ages 11-14 were told to strip down to our bras and panties and stand in the locker room. We all did and I remember being mortified. It was the first time in my life I had to be that naked in front of that many people but she told us to do it so I did.

Ms. Thomas walked around giving a skirt to each of us telling us to try them on to see if she was going to need to have anything altered. When she got to me she said she didnt think she was going to have anything to fit me (in front of everyone) and then threw a skirt at me to try on. I put it on and couldn't zip it. There was one other unfortunate girl that also got the same treatment as I did and I CRINGED for her as many of the other girls giggled. Ms. Thomas then came back to me, told me to turn around and "suck all that in". More giggles while I tried to suck in as much as I could so the skirt would zip and the humiliation would end. I was fighting tears the whole time.

It was incredibly tight but she zipped it. When she saw how ridiculous I looked with the now roll I had hanging over said skirt she said "You need to lose that or at least suck it in".

I was sucking in it is what was sad.

So there I stood 11 years old, half naked in front of my peers (most of which I did not know), looking ridiculous in a skirt too small, being made fun of by an adult and hearing the giggles from those that were not as unfortunate as I was in that moment.

From that day on the two captains of the team were mean to me and ridiculed me all the time.

They called me fat.

I felt worthless and ashamed.

I felt fat and ugly.

I felt like I would never be as beautiful as the other girls.

I felt like I would never be "good enough".

Today at age 34 and 23 years later....I stll struggle with a lot of those feelings. I still struggle with my self esteem and the feeling that no matter what I do or how hard I try I will never be good enough.

I don't know what to do with that.



publishing this post with anxiety in my throat. I don't understand how I can be so brutal and blunt about my feelings and thoughts about when Makily was born but THIS memory from so many years ago makes me sick to my stomach to publish. I'm embarrassed and ashamed by it but maybe someone else will happen upon this and it will make them not feel so alone.