11 Years Ago Today.

I married my Allen.


I was 23 years old and thought he hung the moon........


.......and I still do.






Our first date was a double date with the friends that had set us up. Allen was shy and almost awkward and I was the loud mouth, out going slightly less mature than I am now 21 year old girl.





I left that date saying "He's nice but really shy, that won't ever work."



Then Monday morning at work I got a HUGE arrangement of flowers from him with his cell phone number on it.



He was the first man I had ever dated in my adult life that sent me flowers.



From that day on I was hooked, his shyness disappeared and the real Allen SLOWLY....EVER SO SLOWLY emerged. I fell in love with the selflessness I saw in him. The cute way he would get embarrased when I would tell him how I felt about him. The way he treated his mom and the eventual way he let me "in" when I KNEW that was not something he did with just anyone.



Although the first six months we dated was a little rocky (and I know now it was because he had so many walls built up that unless you were persistent you would never tear them down), I knew deep down I was going to marry him one day.



Our marriage from the beginning was great. We really didn't have REAL problems at first. Financially we were stable, both us of worked, we loved each other and were dedicated to building a life and family together. I wanted really for nothing except a house and two kids eventually. I couldnt wait to be pregnant and have Allen's babies. My picture perfect, cookie cutter DREAM LIFE was well on it's way to PERFECTION.



Two years later we started trying to have a baby.



This was the first REAL test of our marriage. Six months of trying and not succeeding had me totally insane. I didn't understand what was taking so long. I was convinced something was wrong with me. Allen acted aloof about it. Didn't act like he was bothered by it at all. This made me insane. I wanted him to be as upset as I was and while he probably was he didn't show it and it made me angry. This was a difficult 15 months for us and I remember when I became pregnant that I remember thinking WOW that was so hard. I was proud we had gone through something so difficult and survived it. We were stronger because of it. I had grown as a person.





Then Makily was born.




I fell apart. Allen, who probably was hurting as much OR MORE than I was, WAS A ROCK. He held me for hours while I sobbed the night she was diagnosed. He just laid there quietly holding me, occasionally telling me it would be okay. Although I'm sure even he doubted it then. He cried when they told us the diagnosis and prognosis. That was THE LAST TIME I saw Allen cry. The next day, as if he had mourned it literally over night...he looked at me and with honesty said "She is my daughter, I will love her no matter what, I don't care if she is retarded or if they think she is going to die, she's mine." I sobbed more. I wasn't there yet. Didn't think I could ever get there.



He drug me along the journey with him. Mornings when she was still in the NICU he would get up, get dressed and nag me to get up so we could go see Makily. I could barely lift my head off the pillow. I would have been content to just lay in that bed and stare at the wall all day, recounting how horrible my life was and how it would always be that way now. (Post partum depression anyone?) Allen would get dressed and say, I'm leaving in five minutes and I'm going with or without you. The guilt of that statement would force me out of the bed. I would go, hating myself and everything all the way. I was angry at him for being "okay". Much like when I was trying to get pregnant and he was so calm about it, I wanted him to feel the pain I felt, to show he was hurting, to show he cared like I did.



Well, the truth is Allen isn't me and doesnt show how he feels like I do. I have since learned this and I know now he was hurting as much as I was. He just chose to accept it and LOVE her no matter what. He knew I was completely emotionally and mentally unavailable and if HE didnt pull himself up by the bootstraps and deal, then Makily would have had no one.




I will never be able to repay him for being Mommy and Daddy to her during that time when I couldnt even be a wife much less a Mommy to a baby that I thought was going to die.



I obviously eventually pulled MYSELF up by my bootstraps and got it together with the help of Allen and my family.



Life with Makily has always been difficult. Life with Makily though is much sweeter than ANY OF THE DAYS I lived before her. I look at her NOW and see perfection. I've never seen a spirit more perfect than hers. Ever.

Then the decision to not have any more bio children. Allen again was a rock...he told me that he would do WHATEVER I wanted. If that meant putting us through IVF with PGD, adoption, fostering....he was down with whatever I thought I wanted to do.

That is love. Knowing that ONCE AGAIN he may have to carry me through another emotionally, heart wrenching situation and he was willing to do it again...to make me happy.

He is the most selfless man I have ever met.

Nothing is ever easy for us and so getting our foster license was a pain in the ass, then we got Jakob and I realized there was no way I could ever give this child "back". Literally the second they put him in my arms I knew. I told Allen on the way home, "This is bad, I can't let him go........" Allen was stand offish with Jakob the first three days. He was afraid and he knew that I was already so in love with this baby that he had to be the strong one. He knew it was very possible they could take him away with little to no warning. On day four I noticed Allen holding him more, playing with him and feeding him. It made me happy and afraid. I knew now we would both be heart broken if they took him. In the times that we thought they would...and there were many, Allen showed his concern but held back a lot and I knew it. I didn't push it though because I understood him now. I got it.

Allen has taken on the responsibility of being my rock. He has taken it upon himself to be strong when he KNOWS I can't do it. When it comes to medical decisions with Makily he tells me he trusts the decisions I make. The medical part of this is MY strong point. I know just enough to make me dangerous which is good and bad. Sometimes I wish I didnt have the back ground I do because when they say certain things I panic, because I have seen the outcomes before with other kids when I was working. Allen has not seen those things, so while we discuss all the medical decisions made about Makily, ultimately he leaves it up to me. That's my strength.

We compliment each other, he is my soul mate.

I joked with him this morning saying "If you knew then what you know now....I bet you would have run like your hair was on fire." Then I said I SURE WOULD HAVE! LOL

We didn't know and I am glad we didn't know. It has made us closer than I think I could ever be to anyone else EVER. No one else has lived what we have lived through.

No one else knows the pain I know and live with EACH DAY....except Allen.

No one knows what it is like to love not only Makily BUT Jakob who we also have no idea what his future is going to look like.

No one could have walked this chaotic, difficult, painful, happy, insane, crazy, wonderful, beautiful, LIFE ALTERING road with me but him.

I love you forever Allen, you are my rock, my soul mate and I am forever changed because of you. Thank you for always carrying me when I couldnt take one more step. Thank you for all the times you have had to carry Makily, Jakob AND ME at the same time. I will never be able to tell you how much you mean to me.

There just aren't words in the English language to describe it.

I love you forever.