The Highs of being Makily's Mom.

1. Each time she smiles is like the first time she smiled. We weren't even sure we would ever see her smile. To this day my heart still skips when she smiles.

2. I feel much the same way each time she laughs. She has the cutest, tiniest laugh. She *almost* sounds like a munchkin from the Wizard of Oz. Other times she just chuckles and other people may not even realize she's laughing. I do. Every time though. Her shoulders will go up and down, she'll have a huge grin on her face....and if you listen really closely you will hear her squeak in between chuckles. I find myself wanting to stop time each time she laughs. To bottle it, to carry it in a little box with me forever. To always have that perfect angelic part of her forever.

I just went back and read this paragraph. It occurred to me that maybe some of what I wrote sounded "stalkerish". Maybe like one of those overzealous, hovering mothers. How is it I know each sound, body movement and facial expression that my daughter exhibits when she is happy? How is it that I have somehow memorized these things without even knowing it or without it occurring to me? It is BECAUSE I live each day in fear that my child will leave this earth before me. It is because I never know if when I get up in the morning if Makily will still be with us. In the mornings I go to her room hopeful that all is well when I get into her room. I even have learned to push that so far back in my head that I ALMOST don't think about it and walk quickly into her room to get it over with. Like ripping off a band aid. I'm not sure if quick is better or not. My fear that a seizure will take her in her sleep makes me insane. So insane that she is SEVEN years old and I still have her on an apnea monitor for infants.

I memorized those things about Makily because we have always known that she may leave this world sooner than any of us want her to. Every thing she has accomplished to us has been AMAZING. Everything she does is amazing. SHE is amazing. All that could stop abruptly and all that will be left is all the incredibly changed people that she touched, and all the memories we have made with her.

There are so many more Highs of Being Makily's Mom. I will stop with just those two for now though. Why? Because those two things, make ANY of the low worth EVERY. SECOND.

I love you Makily.