These wounds, they will not heal.

I'm a little crazy, I've just decided that.

I'm not blogging like I should...I know.

I decided I needed to today.

I think I've realized that Makily being age five is what has gotten to me lately.

Five year olds arent babies anymore. They go to kindergarden, they cut, paste, color, glue, dance, sing, jump, yell and talk your ear off. They are obnoxious and ask a million questions, have embarrasing tantrums in Walmart and beg for candy in the candy aisle.

Makily does none of that with the exception of going to kindergarden.

I had hoped she'd be walking by five...she's not.

I had hoped she'd at least be eating some by mouth, we've pretty much given up on that.

I had hoped she at least have two words Mamma and Daddy. She doesn't.

This has all been eating away at me and I don't want to talk about it. I've pushed it back, ignored it, didnt want to deal with it because really it's been five freaking years. I need to get over it, but I know....likely, I never will. No one wants to hear me whine about the same shit over and over again. I don't even want to hear me whine about it anymore.

So I guess I have just retreated into myself which in turn cuts everyone else off.

Is this healthy? NO.

Do I know how to stop doing it? NO.

Do I want to stop? I know I need to but right now I just lack the motivation.

It's incredibly difficult to go anywhere right now when Allen isn't home. J is walking but I don't trust the maniac to just walk and hold my hand. Taking TWO kids to the store both of which can't walk on their own is a chore in and of itself. Makily is getting way too big for the double stroller. I can't use the wheelchair when we go out because then what am I going to do with J? Can't carry him and push the chair. I'm sure being cooped up in the house is not making things any easier right now either.

So there it is.

I talked to my mom about it just now. I think I need to change my medication. I've been on Effexor for five years now and I'm thinking I'm somehow immuned to it or it's just not working. I don't want to need medication and so the fact that I obviously do....well it frustrates me.

I am listening to a lot of angry music. Linkin Park mostly. They have a great way with putting frustration into a song I must say. If your ever angry/sad/mad....I highly suggest listening to them.

I'll leave you with the lyrics and video to a song that I can really relate to. When Makily was little I listened to it over and over. I actually relate to it more now then I did back then. It describes EXACTLY how I am feeling right now.

I want out of this funk.


CRAWLING
LINKIN PARK

Crawling in my skin
These wounds, they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real

There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
Consuming, confusing
This lack of self control I fear is never ending
Controlling

I can't seem
To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(Without a sense of confidence I�m convinced that there�s just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
So insecure

Chorus

Discomfort, endlessly has pulled itself upon me
Distracting, reacting
Against my will I stand beside my own reflection
It's haunting how I can't seem...

To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(Without a sense of confidence I�m convinced that there�s just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
So insecure

Chorus (Repeat until end)

There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
Consuming, confusing
This lack of self control I fear is never ending
Controlling (Whispered during chorus)

Linkin Park - Crawling




AM I A HUGE RAY OF SUNSHINE TODAY OR WHAT FOLKS?

Big Day In Court.

Been waiting for this day for 14 months.

I'm a nervous wreck.

Don't know what will happen.

Hoping all goes well, but I really feel like I am walking into the total unknown here.

Was told about 10 minutes ago I'm on a witness list. This is news to me.

Hoping I'm just on the list and I am not called.

Will update later today.



Think and pray for us.

Father's Day at the Beach.

We went to the beach in Crystal River.



The beach is a great place to get awesome pictures don't ya think?






NOTE: KEEP SCROLLING DOWN, THIS IS THE 3RD ENTRY IN THE LAST TWO DAYS...I AM SO TRYING TO CATCH UP!

I'm back Bloggies and trying to catch up.

Bear with me ya'll. I'm really trying to get myself back in order.

Figured I'd play a little catch up here with random pics of what's been going on around our parts (that sounded very country of me).

We went to a tattoo party on Sunday. It was a little different but we had a good time. Everyone brought their kids and they played, Makily watched TV and did really well hanging with the other kids. I put her in one of the bedrooms while she ate, but after that she watched TV and hung with them. She did great. J was the maniac he always is. He loves kids, and had a big time.

Me waiting for the guy to start....NOTICE THE SMILE!



During....not so smiley anymore!


The finished product....sorry for the oogy looking picture of it, still have ink and stuff smeared. It's healing now so I will get better pics eventually. I think later I may add legs to her and little swirlies above and below to make it look like she is walking up my toe.



YES IT HURT, luckily it only took like 15 minutes. I would never get a huge tattoo again. I have a big fairy on the small of my back and I wouldnt do that again.

I don't have an actual pic of mine but here is the pic I used to have it done.



That was my first one, it took forever. Too painful for too long.


J is doing all kinds of new things. Climbing is his new skill, I AM NOT A FAN. He will push a chair over to the sink, climb up on it and then try to do dishes. He also enjoys mopping and sweeping. I joke that he is going to be a janitor one day. He will find a broom or mop ANYWHERE we go and use it. He enjoys cleaning. He is pretty much finger feeding himself and will eat nearly anything you put in front of him. He loves stuffed animals and will pick them up and hug them to himself. Of course he is obsessed with all things he's not allowed to play with. The phone, TV remote, camera, keys etc. He's doing well in speech and is babbling MUCH more. Just like Makily HE LOVES MUSIC. He will stop in his tracks when he hears it and DANCE. IT IS SO CUTE AND HILARIOUS.

Makes me laugh every time.

Will blog more later....keep checking....trying to catch up guys!