Dedicated to Makily.

I had thought about going through and re-hashing the two days I was in labor here on my blog.

I actually started to do it....I did the first night.....I began writing the second night.....

I am not going to finish it here.

I already wrote it out in the "How it all started" section of my blog to the right.

What is the point in rehashing it all right now?

It always ends the same, Makily's birth and life is NOT what I had dreamed it would be.

I hurts like hell but I can't change it.

I am determined that today.....I am going to try my best to focus on the positive.

Today should be about Makily and not me right?

I am going to focus on how far she has come and not how much she has lost.




To My Dearest Makily,

Today my sweet girl, you are five years old. FIVE. Where has the time gone? It seems like just yesterday they placed you in my arms. You were so tiny and so sick. I didn't know what to do. I saw the worry in every one's eyes as I held you, Dr. Pierre even looked nervous. She looked at me though and while patting my arm said "She's feisty Trish, just like her momma". I don't think ANY of us had any idea how feisty you really were, you sure planned on showing us though didn't you?

You fought so hard that first year.

We lived at the doctor and each time we went they told us something else that was "wrong" or needed to be fixed. We were in the hospital all the time. You kept going though. You wouldn't give up.

The odds stacked higher and higher against you, your doctors failed you, you suffered with incredible pain, your own Mother began to crumble at all of this but YOU refused to give in. You continued to fight for every breath you took, every hour, every second and every minute of your precious life you reamain determined. Many adults (myself included) would have given up with just half of what you were going through........but you just kept going.

I am in awe of your will to live and your strength.

When you smile at me my heart totally melts. I waited so long for a full out grin from you and it was well worth the wait. You light up the room, you truly do. Your laugh is the sweetest sound I have ever heard. The roof could be caving in on us and your laugh could make me smile anyway.

I love it that even though you can't talk you have figured out ways to get the things you really want. I love that I have learned your unique language and that I know what just about every sigh, squeal, cry and snicker mean. I know when you kick your leg over the other that you are fighting sleep, when you shake your head back and forth you are usually bored, when your arms get stiff you are excited, when you "patt patt" that's your way of saying "i love you, your pretty cool". I also realize that when you are screaming at the TV it usual means there is a commercial on and thanks to Granny spoiling the heck out of you, you are not used to having to sit through those (dang TIVO).

Although your life is not what I wanted it to be and not what I feel you deserve (let's face it you deserve the world and then some), you are happy and you have joy.

Isn't that what all parents want for their children?

Pure Happiness.

Pure Joy.

How lucky I am that I know you have that each and every day.

You have changed me in ways I never imagined and taught me more than I will ever teach you in a lifetime. You are loved and cherished by so many and I am so blessed to be your Mommy. Thank you for making me who I am today, for giving me strength I never thought I would possibly possess.

Thank you for loving me no matter how crazy I am or how hard I push you sometimes.

Thank you for your "patt patts" and for holding my hand even though that's hard for you sometimes.

Thank you for forgiving me for all the mistakes I have made. I know there are lots of them and I am sorry. I'm learning a lot of all this stuff with you.

Mostly thank you for the joy your bring to my heart.

Happy 5th birthday my baby girl, you have fought for each day and you are truly my hero forever.

I love you always my angel, Makily.

Love
Mommy.