Guys I am tired.
I feel defeated.
Betrayed.
Depressed.
Used.
Ignorant.
Defeated.
(I already said that didn't I?)
I feel like I am ALWAYS fighting an uphill battle.
Like I am always taking one step forward and two steps back.
The fighter in me wants to just keep going but honestly at this moment I just want to roll over in a ball and cry.
I want to throw my hands up and say "fine, do whatever you want"!!
I guess I am hard headed because I can't do that.
Either that or I am just plain stupid.
I am so tired, I can't sleep and when I do sleep I dream about what is going on. So it's fitful sleep at best.
There are so many horrible things that could happen in the next several weeks and I am sick over it. I keep telling myself not to keep saying "what if" this or "what if" that. It's hard though when you are dealing with vindictive people that seem to have no conscience.
This is what I get for telling the truth.
This is what I get for putting J's best interest in front of EVERYTHING INCLUDING myself and my feelings.
What have I risked?
Of course when things as horrible as this is going on I find myself saying it again.
WHY GOD............................WHY?
I just don't get it.
I suppose I never will.
I just want some peace and happiness.
That's all I was ever looking for when all this began.
Am I asking too much?
Maybe I don't deserve it, maybe I am destined to struggle all my life.
I don't know how much farther my faith can be stretched.
I don't know how much more crap I can carry on my shoulders, but this has brought me to my knees and I don't know how to get up from here.
I just don't know anything anymore.
10 comments:
It is tough...it is unjust...it is relentless. I will continue to pray...for strength, encouragement, and His peace...which passes ALL understanding. I know that you are worn out...friend, we absolutely can't do it alone. We also must resolve to the fact the we will probably never be able to comprehend some the life changing experiences that we endure.
Hang in there...I get it...I do. These experiences can feel very dark and lonely. Don't give in. :0)
Oh Trish.
Normally what I do is hope for the best but prepare for the worst but I don't know how you do that or if it is even possible to go there (preparing for the worst) when it comes to your child. That leaves you with hope and turning the rest over to God. I hope you get some resolution to this soon as this back and forth, waiting and wondering has to be eating you alive.
I am continuing to pray that the powers that be involved in this situation will make the push for him to stay with you. In the meantime, find peace and strength in the knowledge that you are doing all that you can do. You are loving him, giving him a safe and stable environment and advocating for his best interests. You are nothing short of a saint for what you are doing and what you are putting on the line (your heart). You are giving this child an incredible gift and no one can take that away, ever.
Thinking of you
I am thinking and praying for you.
I too have felt that black cloud that just won't seem to go away.
its funny....I feel all the same things you feel right now....and for all different reasons:) Everyone has that since of doom every once in awhile and you will pull out of this....love you....you have been on my mind alot lately and I an praying for you....
my word verification for today? psyco ugs....thats what they are....psyco ugs.....FREAKS!!!!
My sister did foster care and it broke all our hears some times....I am thnking of you and praying for you and J's situation.
When my cousin and I feel like this we call it “soul tired”. It is by far more than just tired and not many people understand what we are saying and often respond by saying “take a nap”. If only taking a nap could rejuvenate the soul! My faith is never skewed by the devils doings but everything within me feels defeated. I have often joked with her that life has given us some pretty sore lemons but God must have some glorious lemonade awaiting us in heaven. One of my favorites quotes is:
“When Life Knocks You Down To Your Knees, Just Remember That You Are In The Perfect Position To Pray”.
As faithful people I believe the devil is always trying to throw stones so that our faith might be skewed. I think we have to learn to deal with the distractions that the devil puts in our lives and never let him take our faith. Always remember “with God all things are possible” ~ Matthew 19:26 and never forget the power of prayer!
Lots of Prayers,
Naomi
“Pray, ask, believe, forgive!”
www.myspace.com/mysweetangelsfromabove
Keep your head up. You are doing the right thing by fighting so hard for little J. He needs you! I have been following your blog for a while now and you are truly an inspiration to me.
You are a terrific mother and a wonderful person. Fight with all your heart.
As always I am praying for you and your family.
Steph
I've BTDT and it is not easy and never will get easier. Believe me I've made some enemies for all the fighting for the best interest of the babies I've done and I'm labeled the "Mama Bear" but that's our job! Some of our situations have turned out in favor of the baby but a lot have not.
I've learned that when a situation, as a foster parent, comes up that I just don't understand or agree with, I have to force myself to remember that everything happens for a reason...if my Alex (I'll have to put that story on my blog sometime) would have stayed then Lexy would not be with us (because we would have closed our home). When we took J&J over the summer as adoptive placements I realized that everything was not falling into place b/c we were meant to be a stepping stone in their journey to their family not BE their family.
All this to give big (((hugs))) and say hand this over to the Lord, he will guide this case and all involved. We do all we can but in the end we are not in control (as hard as it is).
Its strange, but I took some inspiration from a phrase in the movie "Elizabeth town" When dealing with the loss of her husband, the new widow said
"all forward motion counts."
I took that into heart, and when I found myself feeling defeated and wishing to curl into a corner and cry in despair and abandon, I would repeat that phrase. Then, I would get busy. Dishes. Dinner. A walk. Anything. Becasue ALL FORWARD MOTION COUNTS, even if its one step at a time.
One foot in front of the other gets me to where Im headed. Feelings or no feelings.
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